


Seen and Unforeseen

by MIZUM0NO



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:35:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 126,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28430994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MIZUM0NO/pseuds/MIZUM0NO
Summary: Part five of the series starting from 'The Potions Master'In which the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor and the Potions professor both make mistakes they cannot reverse, altering the course of their relationship forever.(The story will follow in accordance to The Order Of The Phoenix, set in 1995-1996)
Relationships: Severus Snape/Reader
Comments: 139
Kudos: 134





	1. The Summer Home

1st July 1995

The hottest day of the summer thus far seemed to be on the very same day Severus Snape was spending the last week of his honeymoon on. He squinted his eyes, the hand that had reached out to block the burning rays of the sun from them not helping at all, and saw the figure again. The figure of the woman on the top of the stairs of a summer beach house, calling out to him to beckon him over. She was laughing, and Severus looked her over once more to remind himself of just how breathtaking she looked, her kind eyes looking down at him as if she was an angel. His angel.

"Severus! Are you going to come up here, or not?" Her voice was like honey as she called out his name. Severus allowed himself a small smile before he joined you up on the steps to the house, the final step in the journey to the place, which in Severus' opinion, had gone on for far too long. He was rather tired, but being able to see your smile as the both of you entered one of your childhood summer homes and reminiscing of the times when life had treated you well meant everything to him. _What's the point in leaving them uninhabited around all over London when we could at least spend our summer there?_ You would tell him words along those lines, and he could only nod along and agree, though he found it rather difficult to relate to that frustration of yours. 

The house was right on the edge of London and very near the sea. Up sheer, dizzying bluffs and perched on the edge of the rocks, lay a mansion that had been untouched for years. Floor-to-ceiling windows looked out onto the ocean, although now they were rather dirty and dusty from years of neglect. But Severus did not mind, he had never been in a house this big aside from the Malfoy's, and even the sight of it right then was enough of a marvel for him. He watched from the side as you brandished your wand and began shifting the furniture that had been covered in layers of dust and grime to clean them, as well as summoning cloths and disinfectants to clean the surfaces of the house. He was holding your trunks and bags, and wanting to help you out, he moved to set them aside for a moment when the little creature that had run up to him nearly made him yell out in shock. 

"Master!" A house-elf screeched as he looked past Severus towards you, and as you turned to see the source of the voice, your face broke out into a small grin at the sight of the house-elf that lived there. "Master has returned! Oh, Kooby has missed master quite terribly, master!" 

You felt a twinge or regret for not remembering his name as you studied the dirty rag on his body that served as his clothing, to the finer lines that had broken out into his face from the years he had spent in the house, to his rather underfed frame as he rushed forward to immediately jump and grab a cloth in the air to take over your cleaning. But you could hardly say it was your fault as well, your parents had many other summer homes apart from this, among the myriad of properties they owned as well. Muggle real estate seemed to be a keen area of interest for your father, one of the only good things he could say about Muggles. So to be able to remember the names of all the house-elves that had been appointed to be in charge of the houses' upkeep while you were gone was an almost impossible task, adding onto to the fact that you had not visited all these homes in years. 

The house-elf's eyes then fell back on Severus, and a brief look of disgust flashed across his face. "Master has brought about...a guest? A half-blood? Master's parents never let anyone less than a pure-blood enter!" 

_Right._ Apart from you, your parents had also taught nearly every creature they owned and every person they associated with that they refused to let anyone apart from the _purest_ step foot into their homes. Their offices were the places for that. You cringed as you turned back towards Severus, who had a look of something on his face that you could not place. Then he looked towards you, and you kept your wand to walk over to Kooby.

"Kooby, we'll be staying here for a while, so I would like to introduce you to my husband, Severus Snape." You encouraged Severus to reach out his hand to shake the house-elf's, and in any other normal occasion, Kooby would have been overwhelmed to know that he demanded such respect from wizards, but Kooby had been conditioned so well to only hold pure-bloods in regard by your parents that he turned his nose for a while, unsure if Severus was going to hex him if he shook his hand. 

Severus, on the other hand, was fighting the urge to smile widely as he heard the way you introduced him to the house-elf. _My husband_ , it still felt surreal to hear it come out of your mouth. 

"...Husband? Master has married herself a...half-blood?" Kooby said in shock, as he raked his large eyes over the man in front of him. Then, he screeched with another jolt. "Oh, master! What has master gotten herself into! Master's p-parents! They will be very disappointed, yes! T-they will think it's Kooby who has caused master to become such a bad girl! Oh, Kooby must punish himself, oh, oh—” The house-elf immediately ran towards the broken bottle of Butterbeer on the floor, and picking up a shard as if to hurt himself, you stopped him in the nick of time as you surged forward to snatch it out of his hands. 

"Kooby! Don't do that! No, no, it's not your fault, and...it's alright, my parents are gone now, and you're with me. And with me, you're not going to be believing any of that blood superiority nonsense, okay? We are one and the same, Kooby, and I would like you to treat my husband the same way that you have treated all our other guests, and be warmer to him, even. He's part of _my family_ now. Come on, let's get you away from here, don't hurt yourself when you're with me, that's a direct order. You are not allowed to punish yourself when you are under my ownership, Kooby." You allowed the house-elf to study you for a moment, before suddenly, he burst out into uncontrollable sobs, clutching onto your feet desperately. He was thanking you over and over, saying how you were far too good to him, and you felt a pang of guilt when you thought about all the abuse and hardship your parents had put him through, to make something as simple as not allowing him to hurt himself seem like such a big deal, and you wished that you could turn back time to reverse their mistakes. Kooby still had the scars from the years of punishments that he had suffered, and as Severus watched you console him while he desperately apologised profusely to you for the state of the house he had left it in (he had thought that all three of his owners had died in the war), he once again realised, that he was worlds away from you. He could never relate to having a house-elf in the house, much less know what to do with one. 

When the house-elf had finally calmed down and got right to work in scrubbing every inch of every surface in the house with a renewed fervour, Severus took it upon himself to have a look around. On top of a small fireplace, was a series of photographs of your family. His heart tugged as he approached, allowing his fingers to trace one particular photograph he had picked out. You looked no older than five, and behind you, your parents were smiling, happy as they waved to him, while you were holding a medal of some sort. It was crazy to think that years later, he would be the one closer to them than you, with them being his mentors in his Death Eater journey. He wondered if they would find it surreal as well that _their daughter_ would be the one marrying him; before he winced when he realised that they probably would have been so disgusted at the thought of you marrying someone as undeserving, as filthy as him. 

You laid your chin on top of his shoulder then, and put the frame in his hands down, shaking your head. He understood, and moved to envelop you in his arms as the both of you settled on the sofa for the night. The view overlooked the sea, and Severus thought that nothing could have been more beautiful than what he was seeing then. You took off your cardigan and sighed into the cool air in the room as you made yourself comfortable, and the man's eyes looked you over, before they fell onto your injured left arm, with bandages extending from your wrist to just short of your elbow. You attributed it to an old Quidditch injury resurfacing again, which made you have to have it on all the time to stimulate blood circulation or something Severus could not remember, but he chose not to speak of it. It did not bother him much, anyway.

"I've never had a house-elf in my home," Severus pointed out as the both of you watched Kooby clean a part of the kitchen, with a cabinet on the bottom being labelled messily in the house-elf's handwriting as _Kooby's Korner_. "I could never afford one, anyway."

"You've never even invited to me to your home, Sev. I'm sure you wouldn't have needed one to keep it spick and span, knowing you." You smiled against him, but the man cast his head down, mildly embarrassed.

"You wouldn't want to see how my home looks like. Not only does it bring back a lot of bad memories for me, the place is also like a Muggle dunghill. You, having lived in places like these your whole life, would be appalled."

"Sev, your salary is almost twice of mine with your Head of House position, I'm sure it can't be _that bad_."

"It was my childhood home." _Oh._ "And Hogwarts is my true home, that's why I haven't bothered to purchase an apartment or a small home for me to spend over the summer holidays. And besides, I have you now, and you have always been my home, there's nothing like you."

You giggled against his chest. "Of course, I will share all of my homes with you, I would go anywhere with you, too, Sev. You can be incredibly sappy when you want to, you know?"

Severus could not remember the last time he had allowed himself to feel so happy, to laugh so hard, and to smile so wide, than he did as the both of you spent the rest of your honeymoon in that summer house. He cherished every second of every day he spent in that place, even with Kooby giving him the occasional wary stares and you assuring him that he should feel as comfortable as possible since Kooby meant no harm. The both of you went to the beach nearby in the remaining days, taking turns to take photographs with one of your father's old cameras as you ventured out to the sea, and on one occasion, you even asking a Muggle stranger to help you and Severus take one together. He kept the photographs of you by slipping them into all of his personal belongings, to remind himself of your comfort whenever he was down, and you kept the photographs of the both of you in a small pocket in your robes where you always kept your other personal items, to remind yourself that he would always be with you. In the nights, the both of you would cook with the ingredients you had tasked Kooby to help you harvest in the small garden behind, and then the rest of the night would be spent with you curled up in his arms or with your limbs tangled with each other beneath the sheets. Severus could have sworn that once or twice, your screams startled the house-elf downstairs, but in those moments, he too would have been too lost in a lustful daze to care any less. _Let married couples do what married couples do,_ he thought whenever Kooby sent him stares the very next morning as he scanned his eyes over the bruises and hickeys the man had left all over you. It was a magical time, really, that the two of you spent in that house, and by the time you were due to finally visit the Order of the Phoenix headquarters for the first time that summer, you were at least in a slightly better mood than when the other members saw you for the first time in the Hogwarts infirmary.

6th July 1995

Severus left the summer home early that day to send another report to the Order, while you were supposed to go there for the very first time later on in the night. You were alone with Kooby in that house for the first time that summer, and although you were thankful that he had warmed up significantly to Severus in the span of the time that he spent there, you knew he was quite relieved when the man went away, even for a short while. Right then, he was in front of you on the floor, while you sat on the sofa facing him. You had invited him to sit with you, but he dared not step that far yet. His eyes travelled to the photographs on the walls and above the fireplace, where you had either turned them face-down if they were in a frame, or covered them completely with a sheet you found then. Just looking at the moving figures of a younger, happier you with your younger, happier parents brought you bitter memories you did not wish to revisit during your honeymoon. 

Kooby was about to say something, when the doorbell rang. You frowned, you distinctly remembered that the only other neighbour you had was a Muggle elderly couple, and they almost never left their house. The beach was also quite a distance away, and beachgoers never bothered to climb up so far as to ask you for a favour when they visited, so it was strange that you would have visitors. Ushering Kooby to hide in his corner for a while, you kept the wand on the console desk and looked over to make sure that there were no magically moving teacups or kettles on the kitchens that would scare away any visitors that would look into the house. 

The door swung open, and you felt the blood drain from your face when you saw who it was. 

"Hello, (y/n), your mother told me that I would find you here. Put on your mask, the rest of the Death Eaters will be arriving soon, and you wouldn't want them to know who you are apart from those that have already known, do you?" The Dark Lord was accompanied by Wormtail to his side, along with the figure of the woman in all of the photographs you had so dreaded to see again. _In broad daylight._

The woman looked older, her long hair then cut around her shoulders, and the very same grey eyes you saw in the graveyard, looked exhausted. She was still wearing the same type of robes that you remembered she would walk around fancy dinners and parties in, nothing less than sophisticated, but for all the time in your twenty seven years of living, had you never seen her look so afraid. The man beside her entered, and in an instant, the house you knew, the house you had spent the past few days with the love of your life in, transformed. The white walls that carried the most comforting, homely feelings suddenly turned dark grey, bleak and devoid of anything on them. The furniture that looked like they belonged in museums and galleries with their fascinating shapes and sizes, turned to Victorian-era style tables and chairs, as if the place was suddenly a large conference room. And then with another swift motion, the curtains drew themselves in, making the bright atmosphere that the beach allowed it to have to be shut off once and for all. The place was cold, dark, and gloomy, and a chill ran down your spine as The Dark Lord looked around, apparently very pleased with himself. 

"Our old headquarters, back to it's intended use," he said, sitting himself down on the grand throne at the head of the table, while Wormtail scurried to his side. You were left standing there at the doorway, speechless as everything sunk in to you, and what you had been inevitably dragged into.


	2. Double Missions

6th July 1995

You stood frozen; staring at the spot where just a few nights ago, had been where you and Severus had fallen asleep along with a heap of cushions and blankets on, now turned to a grand, dark mahogany wooden table that spanned the length of the living room. Kooby had come out of his corner then, and running straight to your mother behind you, he earned a look of disgust from The Dark Lord, but was ignored anyway. She stepped over the threshold, into the house, and you wondered for a brief moment if your father would be joining as well. 

"Come on then, don't be shy," The Dark Lord patted the two seats beside him, and you exchanged looks with the woman, before deciding it was best to follow his invitation. "I think you two have some catching up to do. Unfortunately, we do not have the luxury of time, and I shall make this quick, painless. _Hadriana_ , do you have anything to say to your daughter?"

Your mother shifted in reluctance. "...Your father is going to attempt something risky, something right under the Ministry's nose. You need to make sure he does not get sent into Azkaban. I know you are Dumbledore's spy for them."

 _Absolutely not._ What made the woman think, that after years of neglect, of disapproval, of not speaking to you, that she deserved your sympathy to do her a favour? You gripped the edge of the table harder, sending her a glare that made her look away. _Was she afraid of me?_

"And (y/n), my dear, there is something that you ought to tell her as well. Only then, can mutual exchange be done. She does you a favour, you do her one. Balanced, fair." The Dark Lord said coolly, wordlessly slamming another window shut while your mother spoke. It scared Wormtail, who scurried to the far corner of the room, eyeing you and the woman warily. 

"I have nothing to say to her."

"...Severus Snape? Is he _nothing_ to you, my girl?" Your blood ran cold, and it was as if there was ice dropped down the back of your shirt at the mention of his name. _Of course, all that time he chose not to speak of him when he was sifting through my memories, he had been saving it for this. For when he needed it. I was a fool to think otherwise._

You kept your eyes steady. "I don't know what you're talking about, my lord."

"Ah, I see how it is. The girl is shy, isn't she? Because the fact is, Hadriana, your daughter married a man. _A half-blood_ at that, as I am sure you know. After all, Severus had been under your watch in the first war." Your mother jumped with a start, her eyebrows flying to her forehead. 

"S-Severus? _The_ Severus Snape?" 

"Yes, Hadriana, how many Severuses do you know of?"

"NO!" Her voice carried an air of disgust, and your eyes bore into hers. "A half-blood like him, my lord, you are—”

"Do I look like I am pulling your leg, Hadriana?"

She sat back down in her seat, the shock on her face unmistakeable. "N-no, of course not. I was just..."

"The fact is that Severus has been and is still very useful, you and I have to admit that. To think that I have lost him forever, but now his usefulness returns in ways I would never have foreseen. But seeing as your family has always regarded marriage to be a sacred ceremony, something that only should happen between pure-bloods, I figured you would have liked to know."

"Y-yes, I would." Your mother seemed to try to hide her disbelief once again under the guise of an unperturbed face, but you knew her mind was running at a hundred kilometres per hour, the absolute betrayal you had caused the family once again sticking out to her like a sore thumb. The truth was that you would never be able to please her, to live up to her expectations, no matter how much you tried, and this was just another one thing she was going to disapprove of. But like hell if you were going to let her insult Severus right in front of you like that.

"You have no business in my personal life anymore, mother," you warned, and she looked like she was about to hex you, before The Dark Lord raised a hand, as if to halt her words. _Enough_ , he said, once again emphasising the lack of time to let the both of you settle your issues then, and he concluded that since you now had something hanging over each other's heads, the favour could be done. But you could not see how, seeing as what she wanted of you seemed an almost impossible task, while the secret that had been leaked to her carried little to no risk at all. It was not fair in the slightest. You clenched your jaw, shocked at the audacity the woman had to still have concerns over how you lead your life, seeing as she was the one who abandoned you all those years ago. Honestly, you could not care less if she disowned you, claiming you were never her child, since it already seemed like it. Sure, she had saved you in that graveyard that night, but it still did not make up for the years of absence she had left you in, leaving you under Dumbledore's care, who was not any better ever since he revealed to you the real reason why they had left, but was it so hard to come back to you after the war was over? When you had graduated, when they were _safe?_

"I hardly think that deal is fair at all, my lord. What she is asking of me, it puts my position, your position, within the Order of the Phoenix at risk. Dumbledore will know," you said cautiously, and he smirked. 

"In that case, think of it this way, my girl. My, you are every bit as stubborn as your mother. Severus Snape does not know that you are _my_ spy, and I am sure you would love to keep it that way, keep your husband thinking you are the innocent, Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher who devotes her entire life to the good of wizardry. It is natural that you joined the Order, and it is natural that he would not suspect a thing out of you. But if something were to _accidentally_ happen to that traitor who deserves nothing but the most painful death—“

"Okay, okay! Fine, I will do it. I will do..." You swallowed, the next words hard to utter, "...Her the favour of keeping my father out of Azkaban, and anything else you want, my lord, anything at all. In exchange, neither of you will speak of my position to Severus Snape...or touch him at all, please."

The Dark Lord smiled at you, nodding. You wondered if he was one to keep promises, considering everything Severus had done to him. 

True to his word, about ten or so other Death Eaters entered the double doors of the home later that day, and you found out that the group, your group, was the particular group that had been designated to tackle the Ministry. Apparently, The Dark Lord had other headquarters elsewhere all around London, stationed for each front he was going to tackle. Severus apparently was supposed to belong to the Hogwarts front. 

Lucius Malfoy sat beside you, and you knew instantly that he had recognised you. Thankfully, he kept his mouth shut, though you were not sure if it had been on The Dark Lord's orders or not, since he claimed the secrecy of your identity was paramount. You were the only one wearing a mask on that table, as all the others studied each other, before their eyes inevitably fell on you. You ignored them as the man beside you began the meeting. 

You were Hogwarts' representative by default from Dumbledore, so when you communicated it to the rest, it was clear what you had to do. Your father was currently off to visit the giants, but when he returned, you were to escort him safely to the Department of Mysteries to obtain the prophecy, and if the plan did not work, as The Dark Lord was afraid of, you were to aid Lucius in getting a member of the Order to open it for you. _An Imperius Curse should be simple enough, I do not underestimate the both of you,_ he said. Then, if everything was to go to plan, you, and a few others, were tasked to break out the remaining prisoners in Azkaban, once the Dementors had been persuaded to leave their post, which was another front altogether. Bellatrix Lestrange was to be put in highest priority, and you shifted uncomfortably at her name. Her and her husband used to attend many of your parents' balls and parties when you were younger, and that woman was neither put-together nor sane enough to warrant for you wanting to get close to her. But it took all you had, to sit through the next few hours of the meeting, sitting beside the very man that made your skin crawl, inside the house where you thought could have been your sanctuary, where you thought was safe, and not break down. And when it was finally over, you could not be more glad to excuse yourself early for a meeting at the Order.

But before you could go, you were reminded once again of the grim fact that The Dark Lord had access to your memories, and if any part of your conversation had been leaked, he would know. In addition, he thought you would do well with Occlumency lessons, and you winced as he mentioned that he would personally teach you until Bellatrix was freed, earning the almost jealous looks of everyone else on the table. _This was going to be harder than I thought._ You solemnly agreed, before shutting the door behind you. 

A young woman with bubblegum-pink hair and dark, twinkling eyes was waiting for you at King's Cross station when you arrived, and she squealed when she saw you, which confirmed your suspicions that she had been Nymphadora Tonks, a Hufflepuff girl who had been around five years your junior. You remembered her from her ability to change her hair colour and morph into any animal face she wanted to when she was at school, which had caught your attention quite fairly, not to mention that she had been quite the jokester, as well. You did not know if she remembered you or if she was just tasked to pick you up without remembering you as her schoolmate, but as she rushed forward to excitedly shake your hand and laugh happily at your confused expression, you knew it was definitely not the latter.

"(y/n)! Oh, I've heard all about you, everyone says I'll immediately know you when I see you, but oh Merlin, nobody told it's because of how pretty you are! Look at you!" She stepped back to look you over, and you felt a blush creep onto your cheeks.

"Thank you, Tonks. I remember you too. It's so nice to see you again."

Tonks looked like she was about to combust with excitement at the mention of you remembering who she was. "You...remember me?! Merlin, I used to look up to you so much, (y/n)! You were magnificent in the Quidditch pitch, the first and best Seeker Ravenclaw's ever had, and you were brilliant in your studies as well, I remember your NEWTs, they were perfect! I really used to adore you, just like everybody else."

There seemed to be a dreamy look in her eyes as you quietly shushed her from spilling everything she knew about you, and you laughed uneasily as you tried to drag her away from where a group of Muggles had already began giving the both of you questioning looks at the absurd things Tonks was talking about. She was supposed to be your guide to a number twelve, Grimmauld Place, but right then, it felt like you were the one leading her away from everything as she looked up at you with admiration. You tried interjecting her at several points to ask in which way the both of you were supposed to go, until finally she disclosed that someone else was supposed to join her in accompanying you to the place. So as the both of you settled outside a bench near the station, you allowed her to continue interrogating you enthusiastically while you waited.

"But what about you, what are you working as now?" You tried changing the subject from yourself. Thankfully, Tonks allowed you to do so.

"I'm an Auror, actually. Just qualified a year ago, it's pretty cool when—oh look! There he is!" Tonks began, but was cut off when she pointed to someone behind you, and as you turned, you felt your lips lift into a smile at the sight of an old friend.

"Remus!" He, too, grinned as he surged forward to pull you into a hug, chuckling as your arms wrapped around him too. He looked slightly thinner, his hair a little longer, but he still felt like comfort nonetheless. You had last seen him two years ago, and although you wrote to him on his birthdays and on Christmas, it could not compare to seeing him in real life again.

"You two know each other?" Tonks seemed puzzled as you laughed heartily when Remus pointed out something about your hair and cracked an inside joke. He responded by slinging his arm over your shoulder, before nodding to her and beginning to walk from the station. You held onto her wrist to drag her along, suddenly more relaxed in the company of an old friend. You had missed him, really, and to see him again felt like a breath of fresh air as you made the journey down to the headquarters.

"We worked together as colleagues briefly, at Hogwarts," you said to her, but Remus made a sort of snorting sound.

"Colleagues? We were the best of friends, (y/n), and I'm shocked that you don't feel the same! Though, it was true, you didn't feel the same for my feelings towards you too, back--" A sharp jab to his ribs made him yelp as you surreptitiously led the conversation back to Tonks, glaring at a grinning Remus in the process.

Number twelve, Grimmauld Place looked as grimy as it did unwelcoming. In fact, the neighbourhood in general looked unwelcoming. The houses were painted in bleak colours with streaks of it chipping off, along with broken glass that had fallen from broken windows littering the overgrown grass on the ground. Rubbish bags lay uncollected on the pavement, and you had a strong suspicion that the putrid smell could also be attributed to the few dead small animals in the area. Remus gave you the slip of paper from Dumbledore to enter, and when you did, followed by him and Tonks, you realised that the house, like many of your parents' other houses, seemed derelict. Dust collected around the shelves and furniture as you entered, and there seemed to be not enough light in the halls even with the presence of gas lamps.

Molly Weasley appeared out of a corner of the house, and upon finally seeing what her children referred to as one of their favourite teachers at Hogwarts, she rushed forward to envelop you in a bone-crushing hug. You had known who she was, of course, but apparently she could not recall all the other occasions that she had seen you in, which was not her fault in the slightest, since those occasions had all been traumatic experiences for her. 

"Dumbledore's here, he wants to see you for a bit. And will you be having dinner with us later, dear? You must have had a long journey." You went up the stairs as she said out loud, already preparing the pots and pans. You politely rejected her, seeing as there were many, many others in the house, and you were never one to enjoy much attention, which was ironic, considering your previous profession. Promising to do so some other time, though, you waved her off before heading into the room that Remus had pointed you to where Dumbledore was at. 

"Hello, (y/n)," The man looked even more exhausted than the last time you had seen him, and you felt a tinge of pity as you studied his wrinkled face. "I wanted to sort out some administrative matters with you, nothing serious. Relax."

You let out a breath you did not hold you had been holding. Standing opposite of where he sat, you watched as he sorted through a few pieces of parchment. "You are aware of what you are to do for the Ministry, correct?"

"Yes, Headmaster."

"And that you will be gone between lessons for days in between to _sort stuff out with them_ , are you aware?"

"Yes. As Hogwarts' representative to discussing Ministry measures that they will be placing upon the school."

"Then you must be wondering who will be covering for you while you are gone," The man raised an eyebrow, and you nodded. "Unfortunately, I had great difficulty finding another Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, which, I cannot fault anyone for, given our track record. Only you have managed to stay. But I digress, so under a new educational decree that Cornelius Fudge has posed, it has become clear that the Ministry has assigned us the teacher fit for the role. This is another way of Fudge relinquishing his grip upon us, of course, but I do not want you to worry, (y/n). Stay focused, carry out your tasks, and teach the best you can while you are at Hogwarts. Leave the rest up to me, and all will be fine."

He had put a heavy emphasis on practical lessons for Defence Against the Dark Arts, and not just for those taking it for their OWLs and NEWTs, given what was looming ahead. And although you were fine with taking over the whole syllabus by yourself (rather than getting a repeat of the previous year, or any other year that had not been the one with Remus in it), you were quite thankful that that burden had been eased a little bit for you. But then again, you always had a sickening feeling that Dumbledore tended to sugarcoat things, to not tell the truth. He had done that to you far too many times. At the very least, you had to do research on who was to be your partner for the year before you could safely let the person handle your students for you. 

"Dumbledore, if I may ask something?"

He lifted his eyebrows.

"Who...is this replacement? The one who will be teaching the students while I am gone. "

"Dolores Umbridge, senior Undersecretary to Cornelius Fudge. They called it a mutual exchange of right-hand women."


	3. The First Attempt

6th July 1995

Severus was already fast asleep by the time you got home. The summer house had been returned back to its original state after the meeting, and you could not be more relieved when you walked past the double doors to see the usual sofas and tables instead of the ones that had been replaced for Death Eater meetings. Slinging your bag off your shoulder and looking over at a now reluctant Kooby, you realised that he of course, had gone back to your mother after all. There was no point in asking him to listen to you then, and you had to expect his more than hostile treatment towards Severus. You wondered why the man had been so insistent to want to stay here until the new term began. 

Ignoring the house-elf as he began his ramblings on how a dirty half-blood had trespassed the home to fall asleep in the bedrooms, you began heading to the bathroom to wash up. When you finished, however, you distinctly heard the front doors open once again. It was nearly midnight, and the meeting was over hours ago, you were sure. You frowned, heading down once again, wand in your hand. 

"You were supposed to leave," you said when you made eye contact with the woman you dreaded to see once again. You cast a glance upstairs to see if Severus had woken up from his sleep, before dragging her by the arm to the living room. She gave you a haughty look, but followed. 

"I couldn't leave, knowing you, knowing what you did," She watched as you put a Silencing Charm on the walls, before ushering Kooby out of the room. "He's upstairs, isn't he?"

"Mother, he's been the best thing that's happened to me ever since you left. I am not giving him up for some stupid ideology that you have kept for generations." You pinched your nose bridge as you sat down opposite her, hoping she would make this quick. You had had a long day. 

Instead, she stood up in anger. "He is not! He is a _half-blood_ , my girl, and you don't know him, what he was like! His mother was a useless wizard, his father an even worse Muggle! How she endured _years_ of fighting with a Muggle, I could never understand. I would simply have killed them on sight. I do not want my child associating with the likes of his kind! Look at me, look at your father, if we have managed to find each other, pure-bloods, and fallen in love, why couldn't you! Merlin, (y/n), even _Sirius Black_ is a better option than that man!"

"But you worked with him, didn't you? He came to you when he was broken, damaged from his past, and you only knew the version of him then, you would never know—"

"This isn't about him!" She cried, exasperated. "This is about you, and the fact that I am seeing you for the first time in years only to find out how much worse you've become! Seriously, my girl, joining the Order of the Phoenix was natural for you, given that Dumbledore has taken over for us the moment he snitched us out, but everything else, marrying that man, joining the _Death Eaters?_ "

You narrowed your eyes at her. "...I thought you would've been quite proud at that. You've always wanted me to follow in your footsteps."

"Not this!" She threw her hands in the air, and you wondered if the Silencing Charm was enough as she began yelling again. "I gave up everything for your father, I did everything he asked of me, and I even joined them because of _him_ , my girl. You do not know everything I've been through to both please him, and to protect you! Have you not wondered why I saved you in that graveyard that night? When I could easily have given you to _him_? I couldn't believe, that despite my best efforts of deserting you, of bringing you as far away as I could from the likes of The Dark Lord, Merlin, I even tipped off Dumbledore confidentially to come to us! I wanted him to be the one to take you in, because for the life of me I cannot stand seeing my daughter in the company of the likes of Lucius Malfoy, of Antonin Dolohov, of _Severus Snape_ , even! Yes, I wanted a purer, cleaner world, rid of all these filthy half-bloods and Mudbloods, but I did not want you to be a part of it! I never wanted you to be a Death Eater, but now, look where my efforts have gotten me! Once again, my daughter has managed to disappoint, to join the very thing I steered so hard away from her, and for what? You turned out just like me, joining The Dark Lord to please the man you loved, another Death Eater!"

Your jaw hung, her words cutting into you like razors. "...Y-you were looking out for me?"

"Yes, of course I was! What kind of mother would I be if I had let you been raised like Lucius Malfoy is raising his son now, like a pig for slaughter! You would never have survived a childhood under The Dark Lord, and had it been anyone else, had it been anyone else but Dumbledore who I knew was going to take care of you in that wretched _Mudblood-accepting_ school, I would not have let you go! Did you think I did not love you, even after you showed up in those shameful Ravenclaw house colours? Of course I still did, but I only knew that you were going to be even more of a target to The Dark Lord, a challenge he would set out to do, to turn you into one of his pet projects. And he is doing that now, isn't he? You don't know what it was like, hearing him talk about you when you left earlier today, _my little Ravenclaw spy_ , as if you were the fondest subject in the world to him. My skin crawled hearing him say that, my precious daughter, ruined by him. And who was the cause of all this? Severus Snape!"

"Severus was not the one that made me join their ranks! I did it to protect him!"

"And so did I to protect your father, and so many other women who have been hoodwinked, fooled, blackmailed to join The Dark Lord! Your case is nothing special, (y/n), and although he does keep his promises, The Dark Lord is still putting you and that man in danger the moment he knows of your relationship! This is more than just me disapproving of a half-blood marrying you, girl, this is about how you are putting your life at risk in a war I am not even sure we will win!"

"You don't think—"

"Not with Harry Potter, no! Of course I do not! But what can I do? I came here to convince you to run, run far, far away like Karkaroff did, and I will protect you, as much as I can. I don't want you to be a part of any of this, and you need to desert that man, that..." she cringed, "...That Severus Snape. He is only going to bring you nothing but your downfall. You will die, if you keep standing by him like this. He has signed his death warrant as a spy, but you still have a chance. Go now, leave tonight and save yourself. Your father would understand, I will convince him to. "

Just then, a loud creaking came from above, and you knew that your time with her was up. Severus' familiar footsteps sounded through the house, and you removed the Charm hurriedly. "No, I don't think I will. You have to go now, Mother."

"He is bringing you to your death, my girl. Don't let love blind you like this, you are a Ravenclaw, you should know better," she pleaded as you began dragging her out, until you opened the doors and pushed her away. 

"He is all I have, and I cannot desert him when he needs me most. You don't understand, but death is a better option than living without him."

Severus was making his way down the steps then, and your mother gave you one last look before she turned, this time, her eyes were softer, and if you looked closely, hints of tears were threatening to spill from them. "Perhaps you really are just like me, (y/n). I will see you in our next meeting."

She disapparated just as Severus made it to the ground floor. 

"My love, you're home?" His voice was raspy, having just woken up from a slumber, and he rubbed his eyes wearily as he studied you. 

"Hello, Severus. Let's go to bed, shall we? I was getting myself a glass of water." You swept him off to the bedroom once again, and he complied. 

As he fell into bed beside you that night, his arms around you and his breathing on your neck, you could not have felt your mind running more than it ever had. Severus gave you one last kiss on your cheek before he fell asleep, and you knew the effects of it were going to be everlasting as you recalled the conversation just minutes prior.

26th July 1995

"...That will be all. Fudge is still a little cold to the idea of having someone from Hogwarts being around him so much, but he is warming up. The man seems pleased at every single remark I make about you getting older and losing your sanity regarding The Dark Lord's return, he is much more simpler than I thought." You yawned as you stood in front of an even more tired-looking Dumbledore, who was listening intently to whatever you were reporting for the week. So far, you had brought about quite a few developments in the Ministry, and Dumbledore was quite relieved that his plan was working well. He dismissed you, and as he disapparated and you made your way down the staircase of Grimmauld Place, you were greeted by the members of the Order, as well as the Weasley children and Hermione, having dinner. Sirius Black looked over to you and politely invited you to eat with them, seeing as he was the owner of the house, but you rarely even visited Grimmauld Place yourself with how busy you were. In fact, it was only your second time visiting, for the rest of the times you met up with Dumbledore were in other locations to avoid suspicion. He himself rarely came to the headquarters anyway. 

Your head pounded as George Weasley spoke up, his voice like a hammer in your ears. The Occlumency lessons with The Dark Lord had not only been very painful, it had caused quite a strain on your health as well. You would find yourself exhausted after every lesson, and although you were progressing up to what he had expected of you, you could not help but feel in between his own Death Eater meetings, working in the Ministry, and attending the Order's meetings, that your time was stretched incredibly thin. You would never know how Severus does it, you have barely seen each other for the past few days, always leaving in shifts and never coming home at the same time. In fact, the last time you had fallen asleep next to him had perhaps been the night your mother visited, and you winced at the thought of that conversation again. 

"Come on, Professor, we promise we haven't put anything in the stew!" George Weasley called out for you as you rejected Sirius, keeping what looked like a very mysterious box in the pocket of his jeans. 

"And even if we accidentally did, remember that school hasn't started and you can't take away House points or give us detention!" Fred joined in. In any other circumstance, you would be happy to join them, but the memory of The Dark Lord being able to see everything that you had gone through within the day during your Occlumency lessons made you hesitate. If the other members were discussing something during dinner, you would prefer to stay out of the conversation. 

"Thank you, but I have to go off, actually. Severu—Professor Snape is waiting for me. The food does look good, though, Molly, you have done an amazing job," you said, earning a smile from the woman. She had always extended her kindness towards you, perhaps from the numerous stories of how well you treated her children and how you always seemed to look out for her twins even with their mischievous ways, along with taking care of Harry, Ron and Hermione during times of trouble as well. And you liked her too, she was a lovely woman indeed.

As you began to walk to the door however, you could hear Hermione say to Ron, "Stop whining, will you? Of course she is going to skip dinner with us, she has a date planned with him!"

_No, I haven't. He hasn't even been home in nearly three days._

1st August 1995

You waited nervously at the grand entrance of the Ministry of Magic. _He's supposed to be here by now._ The attempt he was going to make was supposed to happen right in the wee hours of the morning, where security was rather lax, but you saw no sign of the man that you had been dreading to see for the past few weeks. _Had I forgotten how he looked like? Or had he just walked past me and I haven't noticed?_ The group of golden, life-sized statues accompanied you while you waited by the fountain. The wizard, looking bigger and handsomer than any you had ever known, stood beside the witch, who was beside a centaur, then a goblin and house-elf. You found your head hanged on one side as you tried studying the intricacies of each detail that had been sculpted there, the glittering jets of water shooting out of their respective weapons mesmerising. You did not know how long you spent ogling that fountain until a throat cleared behind you.

"You look an awful lot like her now." A young man in his twenties stared right back at you, his golden blond hair ruffled and his eyes dark green. 

"I'm sorry, you are...?"

"Your father, (y/n). I can't possibly strut into the Ministry looking how I do and expect not to get questions, can I? Especially with you around." He gave you an annoyed look, before walking past you straight to the lifts. He had not changed his personality one bit, it seemed. After years of not seeing you, he still remained the stoic man he was, fond on very tough love. You followed after him, the journey down quite silent. A few late-night workers straggled in and out, greeting you as they entered and casting a glance at the young man's visitor tag as they left. 

"You're quite popular here, aren't you?" He said when another witch in bright purple robes left, the lift making the final descent down to the Department of Mysteries. 

"I come here often, as the Hogwarts representative. I've worked with quite a few of them."

He said nothing more, and as the lift came to an abrupt stop at the final level and opened, he stepped out. The moment you did, however, he immediately brandished his wand, and for a second you thought he was going to hex you, but then it pointed behind you, and immediately the lights on the lift went off, as it gave a grunt and rattled very violently, before a deafening silence ensued. He had effectively cut off whoever was coming down to the floor. 

The walls were unnaturally bare, devoid of any windows or the usual notices that were prevalent on all the other floors you had been on. You had never been this far down, and the Department of Mysteries gave you an odd chill. The long hallway only led to the door where the Unspeakables did their work. There was a soft click at the door, something your father had apparently expected. He immediately took out an Invisibility Cloak, one that looked very similar to Harry Potter's, and shrouded the both of you as the person locked the door, and walked past. To be so close to him once again, to hear his breathing from under the Cloak and hear his grunts of annoyance as the person turned to take the stairs up to the higher floors, made you feel quite out of place. So when he finally shrugged it off and headed towards the door, you hung around a little further back, making sure to seal off the staircase as well. 

At the end of the hallway, stood two Aurors. They exchanged uncomfortable looks as the both of you approached, and you steeled yourself as your father stepped back, allowing you to do your work then. 

" _Imperio!_ " Instantly, the two of them did not have time to react, before their eyes took a trance-like state, and looked straight ahead. You knew others were to come soon enough, the Department had heat security that rotated around the hours, so it was key that the man beside you immediately got to work. You could hold off two, three would be only one more, four would be a stretch, but five Aurors, you were quite sure you would be dead before they could send you off for trial. The Aurors were clearly heavily fighting the spell, and although The Dark Lord had employed you because of your impressive ability to perform and fight off the Imperius Curse, as reported to him by Barty Crouch Jr. in the previous year, even you struggled to hold them under the curse long enough. Furthermore, you were certain that more terrors that were far more dangerous awaited your father as he entered the Department to retrieve the prophecy. You had been given the easier task of the two, while he risked more.

The door shut behind the man as he entered, and you kept your wand steady, preparing yourself for more that was to come as the alarms in the Department would inevitably ring once they detected that someone that was not an Unspeakable had entered. The two Aurors continued fighting, and once or twice, you winced as they tried casting wordless hexes upon you, quickly deflecting it. You had to clear their memory after, you knew, since they recognised you quite clearly when you approached with your father. 

Ten minutes passed, then another ten, and another. You were growing quite impatient, the lack of extra security measures being sent down quite unnerving. The two in front of you had grown rather tired, their energy sucked out of them fighting the Curse, and you waited against the wall for any sign of any other intruder. Fiddling with your wand again, you wondered if Severus had returned home. He had said that after this week, he would be relatively free for a while until school was due to start, but even you knew that was not a promise. You remembered the breakfast you had prepared for him, in the kitchen along with a teapot full of his favourite black tea, something that he claimed gave him comfort when he was exceptionally tired, and thought that it would be sort of a nice welcome home for him. He, like you, had not found much time to eat, and you wanted--

 _CRASH!_ The door to the Department flew wide open, and out stumbled the young man that was your father in disguise. The back of his hair had been burnt to a crisp, his face marred and bloody, and as he made eye contact with you, you allowed your eyes to travel down his robes, which suffered the same fate as his hair, and the raw, red skin underneath made you wince. 

"We have to go, _now_!" He grabbed your arm and was about to drag you off, but you pulled it away, taking the chance to cast the Memory Charm on the two Aurors first. They were still dazed as the spell hit them, and you ignored the many protests of the man as you lifted the Curse and immediately shot out ropes to tie them together. Summoning their wands, you kept them safely in your robes before turning to him once more. 

"Where is the prophecy?! You—"

"You silly girl, I couldn't get it! It's up to you and Lucius Malfoy now, there were," he looked away, a pained expression in his eyes, "Terrors in there, terrors even in my years as an Auror I had never seen before. And then there were Unspeakables, we are heavily outnumbered, we--"

"YOU TWO! STOP RIGHT THERE!" A voice cut him off before he could finish behind you, and you instantly recognised it as Burke, one of the friendlier people who worked down there. Immediately putting on your mask once more, you turned towards him, with an army of other Ministry wizards behind, and shut the door as hard as you could. Your father was right, with about twenty or so other wizards with him, you stood no chance. 

Allowing the man beside you to grab you once more, you broke out into a run beside him, down the left turn of the hallway, towards the courtrooms. The wizards had broken free from the clutches of the locked door, and were soon hot on your heels as you approached the end of the road. Your father seemed to realise it the same time you did, because he pulled out his Invisibility Cloak right as the end was visible. He was about to shroud you under it too, when you realised something. 

"You go, it'll be easier for you to escape. I'll hold them off," you said, and the young man gave you a look.

"Are you insane? You'll never—"

"Trust me! I was sent with you to let you escape, and you and I know that Invisibility Cloak can't cover the both of us while we're running. You need to be the one to make it back to report to The Dark Lord, now go!" He gave you one final look, before uttering a _stay safe_. In a second, he was gone. 

The Ministry workers had apparently split up to find you, and only one was on his way to you by the time you ran past another courtroom again, drawing his attention while the familiar brush of the Cloak passed you. You purposely let your wand hit a metal pole as you ran past, and he was soon facing you in a dark, empty courtroom. It was smaller than the usual ones, but it would have to do. Shutting the door as he entered, you saw that he seemed to realise the same time you did a duel was going to occur. As he approached, you took a sharp inhale when you saw that it was Sturgis Podmore, a member of the Order. You remembered him from your first visit that day, as he sat down to have dinner with the others, and the Polyjuice potion in your robes suddenly grew heavier when you thought about what you were about to do to him.

He attempted to expel your wand from your hands, and you blocked it off as quickly with a Shield Charm. _My girl, what you lack in strength, you make up for in speed. Use it to your advantage,_ The Dark Lord's words rang in your head as you surged forward, to his surprise, and knocked him backwards. 

" _Ex_ —" 

" _Petrificus Totalus!_ " You yelled before he could finish, and he fell straight onto his back, his eyes staring back at you in horror. A strangled cry seemed to be etched onto his lips, and you immediately pulled off a bunch of thick, straw-coloured hair from the top of his head. Drowning it into the vial you had brought, you gagged as you downed it in one shot, the taste of very old cabbages filling your mouth. Instantly, your appearance began to mirror his, and you hurriedly dragged his body to under a row of seats and threw his wand as far back as you could throw, for good measure. _The final part, of every wizard you duel, is to send the Dark Mark into the air. It is an act of elegance, of service to those you have defeated, and reminds them once more that Lord Voldemort has risen._ You conjured your wand to the air, a jet of green flying out. 

Shutting the door to the courtroom, you were met by more Ministry workers this time, each one of them screaming directions on where you had gone. When one of them caught your arm, you could only stare straight back at her pale blue eyes, saying, "I haven't seen her anywhere."


	4. Call Parchment

1st August 1995

You got your answer on why you had been able to slip away so easily that night when you returned home. Severus was on the sofa, reading the Muggle newspaper, and he turned to you with a frown as he heard you unlock the door. 

"Where were you?" He stood, worried as he gave you a greeting kiss. His arms wrapped around you for comfort, and you let your eyes wander to the sink, where an all too familiar plate of breakfast had been consumed, as well as an empty teapot. 

"Ministry. Had to do some things for the Order." It was a half-truth, but you figured it was enough for Severus. 

Apparently, it was not. "At this hour? Dumbledore informed me that he hadn't assigned you more tasks after I told him to give you a break after the last one."

"Last minute stuff I had to handle, it's nothing serious, Severus." You moved past him to shrug off your coat, wincing when a cut that you had not even noticed flared below your neck. Severus noticed it too, and he was quick to point it out. 

"Are you lying to me? (y/n), we agreed, no more sec—"

"Fine, I was there to do some digging, alright? On my replacement, Dolores Umbridge. I wanted to find more of her files there, and I took the opportunity. Why do you care so much, anyway? It's not like I ask you where you've been gone for most of the day!" You were irritated, and it had been such a long, tiring day, that every syllable the man uttered seemed to irk you even more. You were relieved to see him home after so long, but with the way he was acting, you wondered then if what you had been missing was him or only the idea of him. _What's he being so paranoid about, anyway? He's the one doing all the dangerous work!_

"Lupin was at the Ministry too. He was applying for jobs."

You had an inkling of where this was going, and sighed internally. You had to tread lightly if you did not intend to blow it out of proportion. "...Good for him."

"Yeah," Severus approached you, his gaze burning. "Very good indeed...Or were you there to see him apply for his jobs as well?"

You paused from sifting through the mail. "What are you implying, Severus? That I was cheating on you, with Remus?"

"Wouldn't be hard to—"

"Merlin, Severus! Get over yourself, will you? We're married now, I literally signed that parchment with you, devoted the rest of my life with you! And you're basing this off of, what, two kisses I shared with that man?"

" _Two?_ " You winced, of course, that second one you had forgotten to tell him. It was bound to bite you back someday. "You only told me there was one, the night that—"

"Yes, the night where _everything happened_ , and another one, before the night of the Shrieking Shack. But both times I had rejected him, Severus, both times I told him that it was _you_ I wanted. I literally don't care about anyone else, Severus, and Remus has accepted the fact that all he will ever be to me is a friend, so why can't you accept it too?!"

"You lied to me," His voice was laced in disbelief. "You never told me about the second kiss."

"What does it matter now?! Literally, what do you think is going to change if I told you then or if I told you now, Severus? Would it have made me love you any less, would it have changed my decision about marrying you? It's over, Severus, that chapter of our lives, of Remus' life is closed, and you are blowing this way out of proportion. Why are you still so hung up over the crush he had on me? I chose _you_ , I always did, didn't I?" You stormed past him, ready to end it once and for all. Heading straight for the stairs that led to the bedroom, you just wanted to lay your head against the pillow for the night and forget everything that had happened tonight. 

But Severus held you down, forcing you to look at him as his arms held you against his body. "Because you don't see it. You don't see the way _he looks at you_ , the way _he talks about you_. And maybe I've held a grudge against him for the longest time, but (y/n), trust me when I say that that man is not over you. I would know, because the way he looks at you is exactly the same way _I look at you_."

You stared back at his eyes, which were filled with insecurity once more, and sighed. "I call parchment."

"What?"

"I call parchment. The vows we made, you promising to _never leave me, no matter how hard things get._ I'm calling it now, you have to honour that vow, and not leave, even with how angry you are and how hard things seem for you right now. Now let me go, Severus, I'm tired and all I want to do is fall asleep in your arms. I haven't seen you in so long, and the first conversation we have the minute we see each other turns to an argument. I don't want to argue with you anymore. Let this go, will you?"

"You can't _call parchment_ —"

"I call parchment and that is final, Severus! This argument ends here, I love you, and I'm never leaving you for somebody else. Now can you _please_ let me go to bed?"

Severus was neither satisfied nor assured, but he honoured the vows. That night, though, as you decided to sleep as far away from his side of the bed as possible, despite claiming wanting to fall asleep in his arms, Severus' mind produced a scary thought, and for once in the span of the time that he had spent with you beside him, he had never felt more alone. Finally, after tossing and turning the whole night and staring at the back of your figure, he relented, and told you why he had been so paranoid that you were not home the same time as he.

"Harry Potter's been attacked by Dementors, in his Muggle neighbourhood. He used magic to chase them away, of course, but he is risking expulsion. He will have a hearing soon, and...Dumbledore wants you to lead the Advance Guard to bring him to Sirius Black's place on the twelfth. Everyone at the Ministry seems to be reeling in this information, and last I heard was that they had sent out every possible worker there to investigate the situation. The Ministry was supposed to be empty, which was why I suspected you and Remus, alone, there..." He never quite finished the sentence, trailing off as he glanced at you again, hoping you would turn back and look at him, tell him that you were sorry too, or even better, finally come to his arms and end the argument once and for all. He waited for one, two, and then three minutes, before sighing and pulling the covers over him, giving up on getting a response from you.

You had pretended to be asleep, but you heard everything.

2nd August 1995

The next morning, you woke up before he did, and making your way down to the kitchen to get ready for the day, you saw something on the coffee table that nearly made your heart stop. 

It was a bouquet of flowers. The petals were slightly wilted and dry from the night they did not spend submerged in the water they needed, and the paper was a little crinkled, albeit from the buyer holding it too tight to his chest, like he always did with every other thing, but it was incredibly beautiful nonetheless. _I really don't deserve him,_ you thought, as you picked them up gingerly, taking a moment to smell them, and grabbing a vase to place them in. Severus had gotten you flowers. Severus, despite having an incredibly busy schedule and having to juggle between being Dumbledore's spy for the Order and doing work for The Dark Lord, still found time to look for your favourite flowers (which you remembered you had only told him once, as sort of like a passing thought), and bought them to surprise you when you returned. He had been looking forward to see you, and instead, you had only greeted with an argument. The guilt that ate at you seemed immeasurable. 

So grabbing the ingredients to prepare him his favourite breakfast for that day, you got straight to work. Carefully spending the time slicing the ingredients with your wand and watching the fire under the pans that cooked them, you were pleased to see that after an hour, you had a steaming plate of English breakfast for the man. But still, as much as you loved him and wanted to apologise to him, your pride got in the way as you went back up to the room to stare at his sleeping figure. You were late for a meeting at the Ministry anyway, so resigning to press a soft kiss on his cheek (hoping he could not feel it), you wrote a note in place of you waking him up to eat. It would be easier for you and your ego, anyway. 

_Breakfast is on the table. Don't skip your meals, I will know._ And then, as an afterthought, you cringed even as you wrote it out. _I love you x_

You would never know how much those last three words meant to Severus as he read out the note later that day.

5th August 1995

You still had about a week left before you were due to pick up Harry Potter from his Muggle family, but time seemed to fly by as you were occupied with work from the Ministry, as well as meetings with the Order to report on any suspicious activity, and to top it all off, meetings with the rest of the Death Eaters whenever The Dark Lord had summoned you. He had punished your father greatly for failing the task, but you could not find it in you to care any less, seeing that you had done your job, and that The Dark Lord could not fault you for any part in it. What was next for you, was only to work with Lucius Malfoy on casting the Imperius Curse on a member of the Order, and with much reluctance, you finally gave up the name that you would volunteer. _Sturgis Podmore_.

The Order of the Phoenix, on the other hand, welcomed you with open arms once Dumbledore officially announced you as a member. In one meeting with them in the dining hall of Grimmauld Place, Molly had invited you to stay with them for the rest of the summer, to make things easier for you, since the Ministry was nearer to Grimmauld Place than wherever you stayed. But you had your reasons for rejecting her, and Remus had to pull you aside one day after a meeting to explain why she seemed so upset that you refused to stay with them.

"She doesn't know, about you and Severus." He kept his voice low.

"And why does that matter? You can tell her if you want." You raised your eyebrows, not understanding what he was trying to imply.

"No, she thinks...she thinks you live alone, and that you have no one to be there for you, you know, considering...your parents," you cringed at his words, "She is afraid that you are going to get taken advantage of, by _them_. She wants you to stay here to rule out that possibility. Also I think she needs someone to help keep the children in line, since they love you so much, but that's just my presumption."

You looked over to the woman who was currently yelling at Fred and George for disturbing the old house-elf, Kreacher, again, and decided to walk over to her. "Molly, may I have a word, please?"

Fred and George slipped away in time as she turned to you. "Yes, my dear?"

"I know you're worried, Molly, and I am very grateful for you looking out for me, for thinking of me," you held her hands in yours, smiling at her, "But I am not alone at home, and as much as I want to stay here and have the company of you, Arthur, Sirius, and the children, I find that the person I live with much prefers my home now, and I do not think he enjoys being away from home very much. So thank you, and I will try to visit as often as I can whenever I am free, but you don't have to worry about me. I am used to this, I grew up practically without anyone to look out for me as well, so this is nothing new. Take care, Molly."

"Oh, you poor—" She engulfed you in a tight hug before you could pull away, much to the amusement of the children upstairs, who had been watching your interaction. You laughed softly as you allowed yourself to look at Remus too, and he gave you a thumbs-up before he left, Tonks trailing behind him. You wondered if this was what it felt like, to have parents who cared, parents who would genuinely love you beyond what you became, and your heart squeezed as you remembered that night in the graveyard, that meeting with your mother, the mission with your father. Their grey eyes were something that you found difficult to rid in your memory.

"If you ever need someone, someone at all, know that I am here, (y/n). You take such good care of my children and Harry and Hermione while they are in school, I think it is only fair that you have someone here for you, too. You know you are welcome here, or at The Burrow, anytime, dear." Molly pulled back with tears threatening to spill.

"Of course, Molly."

"And your partner, I assume...do we know him?"

Your eyes travelled towards the top of the stairs, where all of the children were obviously hiding but listening intently. "I think you do."


	5. Bringing Harry Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow the ao3 crash yesterday nearly gave me a heart attack pls

6th August 1995

"Lupin! Pass me my broom!"

"Moody, could I borrow your—OUCH!" 

"Careful, Tonks!" 

There was a group of wizards down at the staircase landing of Grimmauld Place, and you watched from above as they talked amongst each other, helping each other prepare for the trip down to Privet Drive, as if they were all old friends who knew each other long before you arrived. You felt painfully out of place, holding onto your broom and choosing not to mingle until it was time to leave. And then Tonks just so happened to knock into the umbrella stand, warranting another blood-curling screech from the portrait of Walburga Black for the second time that day. Everyone covered their ears as she began her torrent of cursing everything in her path again, and you decided to use the distraction to go down the stairs to join the Advance Guard tasked to escort Harry to Grimmauld Place. 

You expected the woman in the portrait to continue screaming as you walked past her, to yell at your filthy betrayal and of you befouling the house of her fathers or something along those lines, but she seemed to shut up when her eyes laid on you. You kept walking determinedly to the group, when she screamed a whole other cascade of curses.

 _A pure-blood! A pure-blood born with prestige, with royalty in her blood! How dare she come here and mix with the likes of half-breeds, mutants, freaks! What has the world become, oh the daughter of the wealthiest pure-blood family in Britain, reduced to—_

Molly Weasley yanked the curtains as hard as she could before the woman could continue. By this time, however, all eyes seemed to be on you, as you stared back at the space where the portrait was.

"Wealthiest pure-blood family in Britain, eh?" Alastor Moody's voice finally cut through the silence, though, you could not say you were quite used to the real _him_ , considering how much time you spent with his impostor the past semester. He looked you up and down, and you suddenly regretted wearing one of your more expensive robes to the house, one that Severus had always mentioned he adored, but would never in a million years, buy a similar piece for himself. Hurriedly going to Remus' side, you pretended not to notice that everyone had broken up into small groups to talk about what Sirius' mother had just said about you. 

"Hello, Moody. Forgive me if I still harbour any sign of hostility towards you, after all, the memories of having to work with someone posed as you last semester still leave...a bitter taste in my mouth." 

The man with the cobalt-blue fake eye on his face grinned as he turned to Kingsley Shacklebolt, an Auror you got to know just a few days before. "Snarky, I like this one." 

As you led the group on their brooms, flying over London in the cold night skies, you could not help but wished you were anywhere but with them. You just wanted to be with Severus, for Merlin's sake, and after the hell of a day you had today, you felt it was quite justified. Earlier in the morning, you had a meeting with a few Death Eaters tasked to break out the remaining prisoners of Azkaban, then in the afternoon, a brain-draining conference with several Heads of the Magical Departments, and to top it all off, you arrived at Grimmauld Place an hour earlier than you had to in hopes to see Severus after he was done with his own tasks to talk things through, but of course, he failed to show. You could not blame him, no, not after knowing what some Death Eater meetings were like, but you still felt a little disappointed that day when you knew you could have spent that time resting a little instead of having to endure Walburga Black's screams when you tried to rest on the sofa while waiting for the others. 

But flying had always given you comfort. The wind against your face, the clarity it gave your mind as you raced against the clouds, flying had always been one way for you to clear your head after long, stressful days. And considering the day you just had, you were thankful for the opportunity to be able jump onto your broom and experience the exhilaration and rush of happiness as you sped through the sky. Behind you, several of the others were clearly not enjoying being so far off from the ground as much as you were, and you had to remind yourself to slow down a little at times, for the sake of their chattering teeth and frozen hands, who were gripping their brooms so hard you were sure they were going to break. 

"Relax, we're reaching soon," you said to one of them, who was watching you incredulously as you managed to fix your hair that had been flying in the wind graciously, all while only having one hand on your broom. 

"Easy for you to say! You played professional Quidditch, your kind are used to dying on brooms!" She cried, earning a chuckle from you as you began your descent. 

Number four, Privet Drive was perhaps the most boring Muggle housing estate you had ever seen. Boxy houses painted in beige with gardens at the front and back depicted the most suburban households you could imagine, and you yawned as Moody went on to extinguish the street-lamps that lined the streets. Tonks unlocked the door to the house Harry lived in, and you entered first, noticing the exceptionally clean and tidy nature of the house. Furnitures were placed neatly against the wall, photo frames of the Dursley's lined the walls, the mantels, and even above the fireplace, with a particular emphasis on an overweight, grinning boy whom you recognised as Dudley, after Harry had told you about him a few times. You watched as Tonks followed, before moving to the kitchen to study a Muggle invention called the dishwasher. Unfortunately, she managed to trip onto one of the dining chairs on the way, and a loud crash ensued. 

Everyone cringed, and seeing as stealth no longer played in your favours, Moody went up the stairs to unlock the locks on the boy's door, as briefed by Tonks' observation of the house just a few days before your arrival. Speaking of which, you helped the woman stand from where she had fallen onto the floor, until Harry's voice could be heard. 

Swiftly turning around to face him, you were quite taken aback that he seemed to grow even taller in the time he spent away from Hogwarts. Moody warned him to lower his wand, and you realised his voice had gotten deeper as his eyes fleeted in recognition towards the ex-Auror. Then Remus spoke, and he sounded disbelieving as he came into clearer view to see the man. Tonks lit up the room with the edge of the wand to help the boy out, and you saw the expression on his face shift when he made eye contact with you.

"Professor (l/n)!" He immediately bolted down the stairs, and ignoring everybody else in the room, ran forward to hug you. You were lifted into the air with how strong he was, and chuckling, you patted his back comfortingly as you thought about how happy he must have felt, to be able to finally leave this miserable house he called home for the summers, and to have someone from Hogwarts he knew of quite well pick him up. 

"See," Moody leaned in to Kingsley, "Told you he would warm up more easily if there was a familiar face among us."

Tonks and Moody marvelled at the sight of him; once again by how much he looked like James, with Lily's eyes, and you could tell the boy was growing hopeful at the prospect of finally leaving. He stayed by your side the whole time while the rest sorted out the arrangements. Tonks busied herself with studying the rest of the house again, Sturgis, who had appeared quite fine after your attack on him a few weeks ago, following in her footsteps. He had reported everything to the Order of course, and while there was clear suspicions that whoever it was had to know of the Ministry's workings quite well to infiltrate the Department of Mysteries, you were quite relieved that they had not found anything conclusive, aside from only setting more stringent security measures around the place. You and Harry sat on the sofa while Tonks and Sturgis curiously prodded the dishwasher, watching Moody whizzing his magical eyeball around in a glass of water. 

"How're we getting...wherever we're going?" He asked you quietly. 

"Brooms. You're too young to apparate, the Ministry will be watching the Floo network, and an unauthorised Portkey's almost impossible to set up right now. Do you still have your Firebolt? I could race you there," you replied, earning a grin from the boy. Moody, however, appeared to have overheard.

"NO, YOU WILL NOT! Merlin, all these young wizards, blatant disregard for safety nowadays! I should've expected nothing less, from _Quidditch players!_ " He shook his head, before instructing you and Tonks to help the boy pack. You and Harry shared smiles the whole way up, however. You sat on Harry's bed as Tonks engaged him in another conversation, while you studied the drawings he had on his walls, photographs of his friends, and by his nightstand, a photograph of James, Lily, and him, as a child. Picking it up carefully, you noticed the way Lily's smile looked exactly like the one she had given you all those nights ago, in the graveyard, and a chill ran down your spine. _She was so beautiful, no wonder Severus had fallen so deeply for her._ Unconsciously, you started taking note of your own reflection in the mirror Tonks was using to change her hair colour, and you quickly looked away when you began noticing again all the bad parts of your appearance. How Severus could end up with someone like you, you would never know.

Remus walked over to you just as Moody placed the Disillusionment Charm on Harry, offering you a sympathetic smile when you yawned and shut your eyes once more. "Do you need to rest first?"

"No, no...I'm fine. Just a long day today." 

"Well, it's best if you don't fall off your broom later on. We do still need you to lead us, and if you fall asleep up there—"

You shoved him playfully and began walking towards the door. "I won't, Remus. Let's go, the boy's disguised." 

The journey back to Grimmauld Place was more eventful than the journey to Privet Drive, with the group having to make quite a few swerves and hard turns to avoid Muggle suspicion. The air was significantly colder than when you flew in, and you were suddenly quite glad that you had requested for Molly to help knit Harry an extra sweater before your journey, forcing the boy to put it on before Moody put the charm on him. It earned a few weird looks from the others, but you were sure Harry was thanking you right now as everyone seemed to be freezing to their brooms. Remus only snorted as he watched the interaction, reminding you once more on how much you acted like his mother. He walked out of Privet Drive with a particularly purple bruise on his ribs, though. 

When you landed and entered the house along with the others, Molly Weasley once again appeared from the dining hall, giving the boy a bone-crushing hug and cooing as he took off the sweater she knitted for him. He mumbled a word of thanks to you, but you were busy with something else that the woman had said. _He's just arrived._ You could not control the smile that crept onto your face. 

Molly led the boy upstairs, and the group of you entered where the other members of the Order were. The room was unusually crowded, but you knew you could spot _him_ from a mile away. He was standing at the corner of the table, apparently getting ready to speak to the group who was seated on the long table, as well as those crowded along behind, but he immediately stopped when he saw you. Severus wanted nothing more than to run to you, to pick you up in his arms and kiss you in front of everyone in the room, because after days of not seeing you, he had missed you too much, but he could not. He had to wait until the meeting was over, and apparently you had the same thought, because you only gave him a tired but reassuring smile, before joining the rest of the members crowded along the length of the room. 

An hour passed, then another, and another. Severus' report was so long, because the Death Eaters had done so much in so little time, that by the time he finished, he noticed that you were finding it difficult to stay awake already. Everyone else seemed to be listening with rapt attention, though, and he wondered if what you had gone through working for the Ministry really had been so tiresome. He longed to pull you into his arms and let you fall asleep there, but alas, he was interrupted by a flurry of questions the moment the meeting ended. When some of the others had cleared and began filling out of the room, was when you began walking over to him, and disregarding anybody else there, you flew into his arms the moment you locked eyes. You suddenly found it hard to care about the argument you had days prior anymore, only wanting to be back in his arms. He was home, and being apart from him had hurt so much that you put aside all rational thought about still being upset with him, in order to be able to be with him once more. Everything else, could be figured out later. Severus felt his heart leap as the other members of the Order suddenly turned to look at the both of you, but you did not seem to care, instead resting your head on his shoulder and inhaling his scent for comfort. _Merlin, I've missed you._

_Severus' got a girlfriend, a pretty one at that!_  
_So that's who the new member is, Shacklebolt's told me she taught at Hogwarts before this!_  
_Merlin, Severus Snape? With a woman? That man does have a heart after all!_

"Ignore them, my love," you said quietly against him, as if you could read his thoughts on how much he wanted to hex them. He responded by giving you a kiss on the crown of your hair, and he allowed himself to enter that small happy bubble of just you and him once more. The world seemed to fade away, the horrors of what he went through the past few days without you by his side, the grimy surroundings you were in, and everyone else in the room, who had their attention only on the both of you. All he focused on, was the feel of you in his arms once again, your eyes staring into his, and your smile, one that you had only reserved for him, reflected on his face too. 

But the happy bubble burst as fast as it appeared, because Molly Weasley was by Severus' side once more, some sort of satisfied smile on her face. "So _he's_ the one you've been living with, (y/n)!" 

He could feel you chuckle against his chest next, before nodding. She ushered the both of you away for a bit to prepare dinner, and you held his hand as the two of you moved past the still rather shocked faces of everyone else in the room. He seemed unsure of it at first, but you gave it a tight squeeze as if to assure him that he should not be afraid of it, before he swallowed his fears and followed you out. 

"Oh, would the two of you like to stay for dinner? (y/n), you look _exhausted,_ you should stay for a little while, I'm sure your journey home is going to exhaust all your energy, dear." Molly invited you over as she began setting the table, and one whiff of whatever she had cooked had entranced your senses, and you so badly wanted to say yes. You looked up to Severus for his approval, but he already had his steely gaze no something else. At the far corner of the kitchen, sat Sirius and Remus, and if looks could kill, they would have both been accused of murder of the man beside you already. _Of course, he wouldn't want to stay, with them around._ Sirius was challenging him, almost as if daring him to stay around for dinner, and you rolled your eyes at their staring competition. 

"Thank you, Molly, but we best be going off, Severus—"

"— _Snivellus_ can't stand to be in the same room as us? Is that right?" Sirius cut you off. Severus instantly let go of your hand, but you held him back firmly, shaking your head when you noticed everyone's eyes on you once more. 

"As I was saying, _Sirius_ , Severus and I are rather tired from all that we've done today, which we can't really say the same for you, can we? And to use a such a childish, insulting nickname, my, _very mature_ , Sirius." You could tell your reply had been scalding, because right then, Remus too, was holding the man back from lashing out. _That ruined my chances of wanting to stay here completely, then._ You turned, holding Severus' hand in yours once more, and began walking out. But before you could leave, however, Sirius had one last insult to throw to the man. 

"Seriously, a _girlfriend_ like that? How much do you wanna bet that she's going to leave him in a few months, eh, Harry?" Harry quickly pretended to focus on his food, because for once in his life, he dared not agree with Sirius. This was something between you, Severus and him, and he hated having to pick between you and his godfather. 

"I wouldn't count on it, Sirius, seeing to it that _she married me._ "

You did not even need to slam your hand against Severus' mouth as he let the words slip, as well as hearing various utensils drop from their owner's hands to know that everyone had their eyes widened and mouths hanging at the revelation.


	6. Known Love Like Yours

7th August 1995

Severus was frowning deeply at you, as you paced around the living room of your summer home, arms crossed, face twisted in fury at him. He chose not to speak, because you were already having your own monologue, glaring at him every few seconds as you scolded him. It was once again back to an argument, your first conversation after meeting each other. 

"What the hell was that?!"

"What the hell was what?"

"You know what! Severus, that was insane, you using our marriage to refute an argument! I thought we agreed that we wouldn't reveal it to anyone who didn't ask! Do you realise what you've done? You've put me and you at risk should there have been spies, or any other Death Eater at that meeting! Not to mention you saying it out loud in front of the children, Merlin, Severus—"

"Are you ashamed of me? Of us?" He voiced, quietly this time, but his words felt like they had been amplified throughout the room. You paused to look at him, not believing where he got the assumption from.

"No, why would you say that? You're not seeing my point here—"

"It looked to me like you were ashamed of our marriage! That you did not want anyone to know but us! You acted as if what I said was some sort of scandal, (y/n), like we were having an illegal affair. You dragged me out of that place with so much anger inside of you, I would have thought that it looked like I was your dirty mistress that you did not want anyone to know of. Is that how you see it? See our marriage?" He stood up from your sofa then, towering over you as he spoke. His words were dripping with venom, and you tried hard not to look into his eyes, which were filled with insecurity and the slightest tinge of worry. If you did, you knew it was over. You would instantly lose the argument.

"Will you stop cutting me off! I was saying, that people are going to think of it in the wrong way! We've been married for less than two months, Severus, and what would the people there think? They would have thought that you and I did not invite them to our wedding, that we kept secrets from them, secrets they felt they had a right to know, and that we were enjoying our lives, getting married in the middle of a beginning of a war, for Merlin's sake! While almost everyone in the Order was putting their own lives on hold and at stake in recruiting members, fighting off Death Eaters, we were busy getting married! They would never know that we got married on the night Harry returned from his third Triwizard task or that our marriage only involved the signing of our names on an old piece of parchment, Severus, no, they would think we had some sort of grand affair and had the time of our lives while they were busy risking their lives for the Order!"

Severus knew you were right, but something inside was still biting at him, and he knew he was finding it more and more difficult to hide his insecurities again. "But you didn't have to drag me out of there, like that, making me look like...scum. It made me look like I had gotten you pregnant or something, and that we had a dirty, shotgun marriage, or one where you were forced to marry me, not one out of...love."

You were too tired for this tonight. Initially, the sight of him in that room in Grimmauld Place had given you hope, energy to endure the rest of the meeting and then the night, knowing he would be in your arms again, but right then, you suddenly wished that you had not met him at all. He was being maddeningly frustrating, and although your heart longed for him after days of not seeing him at all and having no contact with him, you wanted nothing more than for him to get out of your sight. _He was being ridiculous, and wasting the one night we have together on this? I won't even know if he is going to come home tomorrow, and he's using the time to argue with me again?_

"Whatever. I'm tired, Severus. So you can say whatever you want to say, think whatever you think, but it won't change the fact that what you said just now, was not only irresponsible, it was very immature as well. You stooped down to Sirius' level, when I know you are _so much better_ than that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I'm going to bed."

"We're not done, (y/n), you can't just leave our argument like this!" Letting you leave would mean that you won, letting you leave would mean that Severus had once again, let his insecurities prevail.

But you had already disappeared into the bedroom, and Severus followed you inside, ready to start yelling at you again, when he found that you had not even made it to your side of the bed, but already collapsed and asleep once your head hit the soft pillows. Severus hated how he still thought you looked so adorable like that, no matter how angry he was at you.

9th August 1995

Tonks was the first person you saw as you entered the lift doors of the Ministry that day. She still looked slightly ruffled to see you in formal robes and with your hair tied in a ponytail, an outfit you wore specifically on important meetings at the Ministry, a stark contrast to what you looked like when she first met you at King's Cross station. But she had no chance to speak to you, because apparently every other Ministry worker seemed to get onto the lift the same time as you did, squishing the both of you to the back of the cramped space as it began going to the various floors in the building.

 _Ding_ , one floor down, _ding_ , then another, _ding_ , and another. Soon enough, only a rather scruffy-looking old wizard stood in there with you and her, and he stepped out just one floor short of the Auror office. You knew Tonks was going to take her chance as she turned to you immediately after he left.

"I just want to say I'm sorry, for what happened in there, the other day, (y/n)."

"We really should not be talking about this here, of all places." Your eyes fixated onto the floor numbers on the top of the lift, willing them to move faster so that you could slip away from the woman.

"It was just a shock, that's all. Trust me, we are all very supportive of you and Professor Snape, well, most of us are. Sirius still has a hard time believing it, and Remus...well, I wouldn't know what's going on in his mind, I'm not a Legilimens. And your dear Harry, well, he’s with very...mixed feelings. But I can assure you, that most of us are over it, and things will be fine again whenever we return to that place, in fact, Molly's even quite pleased that you and him have each other. Something about two lonely souls—" The lift struck right on the Auror office floor, and you were hoping she would leave as quickly as she could.

"It's your floor, Tonks."

She seemed taken aback that she had reached her floor, before grabbing her own briefcase and stepping out. "—Anyway, I look forward to seeing you again! I promise it won't be awkward, I was just...surprised that he was your husband. I would've thought someone with the likes of Gilderoy Lockhart, or that Quidditch player who was just in the news for knocking out an opponent with his looks the other day, would've been more of your type, but—"

"I think my husband would appear rather attractive in my eyes, or else I would not have married him. And there is so much more to him other than his looks, but thank you, Tonks. I will see you soon," you replied, closing the lift doors before she could utter one more word. Sighing, you began your descent down to your own floor, noting that you had another meeting with Cornelius Fudge in the afternoon to discuss possible measures on Ministry restrictions for the school, and you were not looking forward to what he was planning. He was undoubtedly making the school even more restrictive for its students, what with the Ministry having a firm grip on it now that someone from there was taking your place for the first week of the new term, as well as on your absences. 

When you returned home that night, however, Severus was not home yet. You always had a sickening feeling in your gut whenever you reached home and he was not there, because no matter how angry you were at him, no matter that you had spent the whole of yesterday ignoring him, you always worried that if your last words to him had been something mean, that you would regret it for the rest of your life. _I practically dismissed him the last time he spoke to me, Merlin if he's..._

You shook the scary thoughts out of your head, before beginning to prepare dinner. The ingredients began chopping themselves with a wave of your wand, and you only looked up from the stove every once in a while to check that the knives had not accidentally began cutting into the counter as well, while you stirred the contents of your pot.

Another hour passed, and Severus still had not returned. By then, the food you had whipped up in about twenty minutes was starting to grow cold, and you were growing impatient as you sat across the table, staring at it. _What happened to him?_ You did not want to admit it, but you were getting worried. What made things worse, was that you could not simply call him with a telephone or send an owl to ask if he was alright, because he was in the company of his fellow Death Eaters. _What if they found out about him? And what he's doing for Dumbledore?_ The Dark Lord broke your father's wrists and gave him very unpleasant bruises and wounds that took days to heal when he found out about his failure at the Ministry, and you could not imagine what he was going to do to the man should he find out. _It can't be, right? Severus can't get caught? No, he's too smart, too sharp for that. I believe in him._

 _Click._ At exactly nine minutes to ten, the brooding figure of a man dressed in long, black robes and with equally long hair entered the threshold of your apartment. He shut the door softly, in case you were asleep, but he found you not far from him, at the dining table. You were eating your dinner, your eyes not quite meeting his. There was a look of annoyance on your face, but little did Severus know, that you were trying to hide all your relief when he entered. To see him perfectly unscathed and with no visible injuries on him, he would never know just how much ease it put you in. But you chose not to show it, because the fact was that you were still quite upset with him, and you refused to be the first to give in.

"Hello," Severus tried to say, but you ignored him. Sighing, he took off his cloak, and hung it up. His stomach growled at the sight of you having your dinner, and seeing as you were eating alone with no visible second plate in front of you, he was not surprised that you had only prepared your dinner for yourself out of spite. He stared longingly at you for a while, before moving towards the kitchen to see what was quick and easy to prepare for himself. After that, he was planning on taking a long bath and settling himself down on the sofa with a book in his lap, while trying to fight the urge to apologise and talk to you first.

Severus was about to grab the jug of milk from the refrigerator to pour it onto his cereal when he noticed it. There, sitting on the counter not far from him, was a fresh plate of food, exactly the same as the one that you had prepared for yourself. It was still steaming, and with the pots and crockery lying around beside it, he realised that you had warmed it up for him while waiting for him to return home. His heart squeezed, and he dared himself to look at you again. You were pretending not to look, but he had caught your gaze anyway, so you sighed and turned to him.

"You ate cereal for all three of your meals yesterday. You are sending yourself into an early grave if you keep eating as unhealthily as you do now. Hurry up, the food's getting cold, and knowing you, you haven't eaten all day." You stood up to brush past him, putting your plate down onto the sink nonchalantly, failing to notice the man who was struggling to hold himself together behind you. Severus could not believe, that despite everything, you still cooked for him, that you stayed up to wait for him to come home, that you still cared for him. He had never known love like he knew yours.

He decided that was it. He was tired of fighting off the feeling of wanting to return to your arms and apologise for everything. So when you tried walking past him to go to your bedroom, he stopped you in your tracks and swooped you onto him, kissing you deeply in the process. You were shocked, to say the least, and part of you was screaming at you not to kiss back, to let yourself be angry at him for a little while longer, but you found great difficulty in doing so. So you reciprocated, the taste of his lips like an addiction for you. _How I've missed you._

"I love you, I love you, I do." He buried himself in your hair, as you rolled your eyes and softly patted his back.

"I love you too, now eat your food, Sev, it's really getting cold and I know you are hungry. Then, you can explain to me why you were so late to return today, you got me so worried."

"I know, and I am sorry. For today, and for all the other days. I've missed you so much, and you are too good to me, you know that?"

You ignored his question, instead helping him to bring the plate over to the table while he washed his hands. "And I am sorry too. You're not a dirty mistress, Sev, you're my husband. I am eternally grateful for you, you should know that, and I think it was appropriate for the Order to know, now that I've thought about it. Just...next time, let's not let Sirius Black get us so worked up again, alright? He is your ally now, Severus, and you need to learn to control yourself around him."

He grinned at you as he sat down and began taking bites of the food. His stomach sang happily as he tasted the first meal he had for the day. "If I recall correctly, it was you who insulted him first, when you defended my name."

You knew he got you there. "He was...being inappropriate. I was simply calling him out for using a name like _Snivellus,_ which I don't find to be a very nice name to call someone, especially someone who is currently doing much more for the Order than simply lending a house for its Headquarters. But that was a lapse in judgement for me too, I need to remind myself to be more professional next time. Sirius Black isn't a bad person, you know."

Severus seemed to disagree, recalling all that the man had done to him, but he let it go. All that was important to him, was that you two made up, and that he could fall asleep listening to your heartbeat again that night, after the very difficult day he just had. You would never find out, but even your simple gesture of cooking for him and caring for him even when you were still upset at him, meant more to him than you would know. It signified how deep your love ran for him, giving him reassurance he so badly needed at times.


	7. The Second Attempt

12th August 1995

Grimmauld Place was quite empty as you entered it at four in the morning that day. Well, as empty as it could be, considering the children were all asleep upstairs, and the only people awake were Arthur Weasley, Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and a few other Ministry workers Dumbledore had summoned to discuss on more reports of the Ministry. You sat in the kitchen for a while as the others sifted through their pieces of parchment before choosing what to report on outside, and you allowed yourself to slip into some sort of a dreamlike state. You had very little energy these days, and sleep was difficult to come by, so you settled for staring at the used pots and pans on the stove, as well as the crockery hung up on the walls and the plates being left to dry, evidence of yet another successful dinner cooked by Molly.

"The pure-blood is joining with the wrong forces, she is. Mistake she made coming here, to this filthy house tainted with the presence of Mudbloods, half-breeds and mutants!" You jumped, as a scratchy, deep voice beside you spoke. It was Kreacher, the Black's house-elf, and you realised that you had never noticed just how old and weary he looked. He was hunchbacked, dressed in a dirty rag tied like a loincloth, and his eyes were bloodshot and watery as he studied you up and down. You immediately put your feet down from where they rested on the table, afraid that it would offend the house-elf, but he did not seem to care.

"Hello, Kreacher."

"The pure-blood has made a mistake, she has! If only my mistress could see her as she is now, associating herself with lesser beings and dishonouring the status of pure-bloods, oh she would be in hysterics! Kreacher would advise the pure-blood to leave now, while she has the chance, reverse her mistakes and uphold the status of pure-bloods to join the others in the fight against these beings, Kreacher would." Truth be told, the house-elf in front of you was almost unlike any your family ever had. Kreacher was grouchy, mean, and in general, a sort of nutcase when compared to Kooby and all the others you got to know of. Even Dobby, who you knew used to belong to the Malfoys, never acted like Kreacher does. Perhaps it was due to his age, or how Sirius' mother used to treat him, but you would not understand how a house-elf could hold such a prejudiced view over the other blood statuses in the house. There was just something that was off about him.

"This house's just fine, don't you think, Kreacher? I see no reason to leave. And besides, many pure-bloods aren't as nice as—" You paused when the house-elf grabbed onto your wrist, before dragging you away to someplace he wanted to show you. Confused, you stood to follow, since he had no way of hurting you anyway, and you let him lead you to the front of a tapestry, where a sprawling family tree was shown. On it read _The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black,_ where Kreacher jabbed a sharp finger to the side of the tapestry. Your eyes took a while to locate what he was pointing at, considering the size of the tree and the many distractions, including burned out spaces where some pure-bloods you knew of should be, such as Sirius, but you were quite surprised when you saw it. There, at the very edge of the tree, was your father's name, then linked to him via double gold lines, was your mother's. Traced down one line, was yours. You wondered why your name had not been burned black like Sirius', considering all that you had done, but you figured it was just because Kreacher had not gotten round to it just yet. Your name was so far away from Sirius' that it would be difficult to call the both of you related, but since all the pure-bloods loved to marry within the community anyway, you knew you had some sort of blood connection with him as well.

The Weasleys were not on there, and you were not surprised, honestly. But then your eyes fell onto a particular name on the tapestry, and it sent your heart to your mouth. _Bellatrix Lestrange._ The Dark Lord had instructed you to prioritise her and her husband first, when you were to break them out of Azkaban, you could remember. _Of course, it had to be her._ Of course a pure-blood like her would be his most faithful servant, and the thought of all that she had done, while still being sort of related to you, left a foul taste in your mouth. She was Sirius' direct cousin, and you could not imagine how repulsed he must have felt, too.

"The pure-blood has a chance to belong here, to not make Kreacher burn off her name in here. But she is acting like them, the rest of them," he pointed to all the charred out spaces, "And dishonouring the name! And Kreacher hears, Kreacher hears that the pure-blood has married herself a half-blood by the name of Severus Snape! Oh, if mistress could see this right now, a young, pretty, pure-blood with thousands of years of family ancestry, marrying a filthy, good-for-nothing, incredibly poor, traitor half-blood! Disgusting! Kreacher refuses to even put his name up here, oh—" The house-elf then moved a few steps away from you to dry-heave onto the floor, as if to show just how repulsive the idea of you marrying Severus was to him.

"Honestly, Kreacher, you can burn my name off of here anytime you want to, because that half-blood I married...He is twice the man that any of these pathetic pure-blood wizards wished they could be, and in fact..." You took out your wand, and lighting the tip of it, you began to press it firmly against your name on the tapestry, sending Kreacher howling and screaming at you to stop, even hanging onto your legs at one point to exclaim for you to _put your wand down, to stop burning a hole onto your name,_ but you ignored him and pressed the wand harder against it until all that was left, was a black, charred spot where your parents' name linked down from, similar to the one where Sirius' name was supposed to be.

"Well done, (y/n). I really am starting to grow to like you, after all. I could see why Remus said what he said about you." A familiar voice from behind stopped Kreacher from his attack on your legs, and you turned to see a rather proud-looking Sirius Black leaning against the doorframe. You kept your wand in your robes before walking past him.

"I was simply defending my husband's name, is all. I don't care about your stupid tapestry and everyone inside of it."

"You would be pleased to know that neither do I. I think you and I could grow to be rather good friends, you know, putting aside that we are cousins of some sort." Sirius gave his hand for you to shake, and you contemplated slapping it away for a second. But then you took it in yours, and gave it a quick squeeze before heading back to the kitchen. The man smiled at you as he watched you leave.

You had to leave to go to work later that day, and coincidentally, as the other members of the Order filed in one by one while you had breakfast with Arthur Weasley, you found out that it was the day of Harry's hearing, as well. Fred and George nearly yelled as you sneaked behind them trying to hear anything that was happening downstairs when you went to go wake Harry, and they entered their rooms considerably more upset, with you confiscating a set of Extendable Ears from them. Harry, on the other hand, was quite pleasantly surprised to see you, and thought that he was dreaming when you were the one to wake him up instead of Molly.

It was the first time you were having a meal at Grimmauld Place, and true to what Tonks had said, you were rather glad that the atmosphere was not awkward at all, with every soul in the room seemingly determined on helping Harry prepare for his hearing. He was dressed as formally as he could, and you chuckled as you saw Molly grow frustrated with trying to tame the unkempt hair on his head with a wet comb. Tonks mentioned something about how she had stayed up all night and how she could not do guard duty the next day, and Arthur Weasley responded by offering to cover for her. Every so often you saw Harry's eyes fleet towards you as you took bites out of your own toast, clearly surprised that you were here so early in the morning and eating breakfast with them. He had felt a sense of jealousy, of anger, whenever Severus dragged you off straightaway after meetings, not allowing you to stay, to have meals and spend time with him, and he was lying if his hatred for the man did not grow deeper whenever your eyes carried the longing of wanting to stay with him. He had missed you all summer, and he had wanted to stay with you initially, but after learning that his _Professor Snape_ was staying with you too, he was very glad that you rejected him. He did not know if he was going to make it to Hogwarts alive if he and Snape were to stay in the same house for the summer. But now that you were here, with him, he only had one thing he wanted to ask of you. He wondered if it was selfish of him to do so.

"Do you want a piece of my toast, Harry? You've been staring at me quite menacingly for a while, I might just be expelled in front of your very eyes if you continue doing so," you joked, and Harry turned away in embarrassment when the rest of the table let out loud laughs at your observation.

"No...I want...never mind." He leaned back against his chair, frustrated. Molly looked like she was going to squeal at him for getting his freshly ironed T-shirt crease marks again.

"What is it? You want me to follow you and Mr Weasley to the Ministry for your hearing later today?" Harry once again had the sharp feeling that like Severus, you could read his mind too. He wondered if Severus had taught you how.

"Yeah, exactly that," he quietly said, his voice unsteady.

You smiled at him, before taking the last bite of your toast and moving your plate to the sink. "I can do that, since I do have to settle some matters there as well, provided it's okay...with all of you?"

Turning to look at the other guards that had been assigned to escort him to the Ministry, they all exchanged looks, before shrugging.

"I don't see why not," Arthur Weasley said, and Harry's face could not have glowed brighter that morning, the queasiness of what he was up for put on a temporary hold at the thought of you being there with him for his hearing.

As you squeezed into the red telephone box with Harry and Arthur Weasley and entered the place through the visitor's entrance later that day, you found that the boy was in as much awe of the place as you were too, and you wondered how anyone would not be the first time they visited the Ministry. You let Arthur Weasley take the lead to the lift, once again entrancing Harry with its magic, along with the paper aeroplanes that could carry messages for the Ministry workers while travelling by themselves. Upon reaching the Auror office, Kingsley Shacklebolt called upon the older Weasley, and you caught Harry from saying hello to him by stomping on his foot when he tried, reminding him of what kind of place he was in.

As Arthur Weasley rounded the three of you to his office around the corner, he inhaled a sharp breath when he saw who was waiting outside of it. _Lucius Malfoy._ He had come for you, to help him on the Imperius Curse that he was going to cast on Sturgis Podmore.

"Hello, Arthur, lovely to see you again," His tone was demeaning, drawling out the last syllables of his name as he looked the man up and down, paying particular notice to his rather worn, old robes. "And Harry, fancy seeing you here, my boy."

Arthur's grip on Harry's shoulder tightened. Harry looked like he was about to make a snide remark on the blond-haired man, when you cut in. "Lucius."

He sneered when he looked at you, keeping the gold he was fiddling with in his robes and walking over to sling an arm over your shoulder. "Ah, just the person I was looking for. Let's go, my dear, the Muggle-loving air in this place is already causing permanent damage to my lungs."

You were just about to reject him, to pull his arm away from you, when the very person you had been looking for passed you by. _Sturgis Podmore_. Apparently, Lucius had spotted him too, and the arm weighed heavier upon you as he did. Sighing, you turned to Harry, who was giving the man death stares as he looked down fondly upon you, and ruffled his hair a little. "I cannot be with you for your hearing later, but good luck, alright, Harry? Amelia Bones is okay, she'll hear you out. Just stay calm, don't lose your cool in there, and tell the truth. You'll be fine, and know that I'll be supporting you throughout."

It did little to calm his nerves, and as you left, Lucius Malfoy trailing behind you while waving to him cockily, he had the urge to punch that man more than ever. Arthur Weasley, too, was quite unnerved at your closeness with that man. 

Heading up to Sturgis Podmore's post outside the Department of Mysteries, you and Lucius parted ways as he waited for you to lure the man out while he was in charge of placing the Curse on him. _This is wrong, this is so wrong,_ the words rang in your head multiple times, but with every step you took and with every breath you exhaled, you could not help but feel that whatever it was you were doing, was nothing compared to what The Dark Lord would do to Severus if you did not heed his instructions. 

"Sturgis," The man had large bruises on his neck and face from the time you petrified him, and you felt a slight tinge of guilt when he winced upon looking at you, the effort it took his neck to turn quite daunting for him. "Arthur Weasley has something he wants to show you, could you follow me please?"

He looked around, before whispering, "I can't leave my post, you know that. The last time we let normal Aurors—"

"I know, but it's important, Sturgis. It's Order stuff," you pleaded, and after a quick sweep of the floor around him, he finally relented. So you weaved your way down the familiar courtrooms, slipping in and out of the many corridors, with Sturgis following close behind, still hesitant considering what had happened just days prior. It took nearly the whole night to find him after the search for you and your father proved to be futile, and as he lay there under the seats of a courtroom, staring up at the Dark Mark in the air while hoping someone would come rescue him soon, he was left feeling even more revengeful over the masked Death Eater that had caused him so much pain that night. So to be following you again through the hallways that led him to his predicament a few weeks prior, it was understandable that he felt uncertain that he was going to return in one piece again.

Reaching the end of the hallway, you gave him one last look, before taking out your wand.

"Arthur's office isn't—"

"I'm sorry, Sturgis. I really am."

"What the hell are you doing?" He yelled in horror as you raised your wand, pointing it straight at him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

_Obliviate._

At the same time that he lost his memories, Lucius Malfoy appeared out of the last courtroom, and upon your approval, pointed his wand at the man, uttering _Imperio._

With the man then trailing behind the both of you, under Lucius' curse, he muttered a word of thanks to you as you split ways and allowed him to finish the job. 

"Let's just hope this time, it works," you said to him.


	8. The Boggart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday sev!

31st August 1995 

"You really should stay with me, for the week that you will be spending before returning to Hogwarts," Sirius Black said to you one day, after a meeting. "After all, your husband will be at Hogwarts as well, and we both know Grimmauld Place is much nearer to the Ministry than anywhere you would be living. If that doesn't convince you, you should remember it is only for a week, and you would be keeping a poor old soul company."

"Kreacher? Or you?" He grinned behind your back, watching as you stared at the spot where your name had been burned out once again. You were looking at the names of your parents then, subconsciously checking under their birthdates everyday if another set of dates had appeared, the dates they died. So far, neither of them have.

Before Sirius could reply, Harry had come sulking down the stairs, garnering both of your attentions. He had initially wanted to only speak to you about him not being chosen for Prefect, but seeing as Sirius was there as well, he invited the man to follow the both of you to a quiet room, where it had not yet been cleaned and Boggarts lurked in every corner of every dusty shelf. Kreacher was once again sent away muttering and cursing when Sirius found him inside, and you noticed the house-elf now having a particular disdain towards you. _Filthy, traitor pure-blood, brainwashed by her half-blood husband._ Thankfully, Sirius had slammed the door shut right away.

"Honestly, Harry, I don't see it as such a big deal that you weren't chosen, neither your father nor I was one. And prefects are kind of lame anyway, have you seen Lupin?" Sirius cracked a grin when the boy voiced out his concerns, while you seemed to have a rather different approach to comforting him.

"You should aim for Quidditch Captain now, then, since that's out of the way for you," you said, studying his booklist. _Who the hell allowed this book to be approved for the curriculum?_

"Were you one, though? Professor (l/n)?"

You took a while to answer, still scrutinising his booklist. "Yeah, but I never made it to Head Girl, the position was given to the other Prefect. He was my boyfriend, though, so I basically enjoyed the very same privileges he did. But to be honest, there's nothing glamorous about being one, aside from the Prefects' bathroom, which I am pretty sure you have used last year to figure out your egg for the second task."

Harry sunk lower into his seat. He had not expected you to know of that, but somehow you did.

"But what I did get, Harry, was Quidditch Captain, and trust me, you will get a lot more girls being Quidditch Captain than being Prefect." You grinned, handing the booklist back to the boy. He was unconvinced, but Sirius nodded along beside you, knowing it to be true.

"That's more like it, we really do have more in common than I thought, (y/n)! Up top!" He raised his hand up to high five you, and you snickered before giving it a soft tap with your left hand, the other rubbing Harry's shoulder encouragingly.

Severus told you that he would be home very late, too late for dinner that day, so with much convincing and pleading from the rest of the members of the Order, you stayed. Molly was more than pleased, and quickly conjured extra chairs for everyone who stayed while she whipped up dinner. She had hung a banner congratulating Ron and Hermione for getting the Prefect positions, and there seemed to be nothing that could spoil her mood as she hummed happily, stirring the contents of her stew over the stove.

Dinner seemed to be a rather important affair to the Weasleys. It was integral that in this case, every member of the family (excluding Percy) was invited over to celebrate Ron and Hermione's positions, and everyone that came had to have a laugh and enjoy themselves in general. The atmosphere was light, fun, and if you thought hard enough, it was almost like an extended family, apart from the Weasleys, of course. It was quite a contrast to the usual quiet dinners you and Severus would share, where he would bring a book with him while he ate, and if his hands were not occupied, they would be either holding onto yours or the book as he flipped the pages wordlessly while you sat across from him, watching him lovingly. You knew he valued these quiet moments with you, that was why you never said anything about it, but you admittedly enjoyed the atmosphere at Grimmauld Place as well, all with the banter and laughter in the air.

Ron was rhapsodising about his new Cleansweep to you halfway through dinner. "...And then would you teach me? How to fly better? When we've returned to school?"

"Not for a short while, no. And besides, I've retired as a Quidditch player Ron, I'm not sure I'm the best person to teach you flying, seeing as you have Harry and almost everyone else in your Gryffindor Quidditch team. Fred and George aren't too bad either, you know." You were looking distractedly as Harry fumbled with something on his jeans.

"Harry told me you were still the best flier he knew when you flew with him that night, when you picked him up! And school's not going to be so busy on our first week, won't it?"

You forgot that you had not informed them that you would not be there for the first week of the new term. Dumbledore had other tasks for you in the Ministry. _No matter, they would find out eventually, it would be better to tell them then._ "Ron, and the rest of you too, actually, perhaps this slipped my mind, but I've been meaning to tell you that I will not be joining you for the first week of school. Someone from the Ministry will be taking over for me while I'm gone, but I don't see much issue on this, seeing that it will only be a week. Do treat her well, will you?"

There was a chorus of groans and complaints from the students of Hogwarts on the table, and you exchanged glances with Remus, who knew very well what a new change of teacher in that position would entail in. Ron disappointedly kept his new broom then.

When the crowd began to clear after dinner, Remus moved to sit next to you while you were busy taking another swig of Butterbeer. You realised that you had not had the chance to talk to him after Severus' announcement of your marriage that day.

Watching Kreacher straggle out of the room again, he began to say, "So...you're married, huh?"

"Yes. I apologise if Severus had made it sound...crass, or something. I wanted to tell you eventually, actually."

"No, no, it's fine..." His words trailed off, suddenly realising that he did not know how to continue. You glanced at him for a while, before putting your bottle down. He was your friend after all, and if it was someone you could be truthful with, it would be him.

"Our wedding wasn't as grand as you were thinking of it to be, actually. We—”

"I would've thought you loved grand. Wealthiest pure-blood family in Britain, wow, and I thought the Malfoys—" He was cut off with you raising your fork in threat. Grinning, he allowed you to continue.

"—We simply signed our names on a piece of parchment. It was something that Severus felt right, right then, and we haven't found the time to go get registered. So it's not _very official,_ but...yeah, so don't feel bad that we didn't invite you. There really only was me and him as the attendees."

That, was something the man had not expected. "So...it's not actually legal?"

You nodded.

"But no matter, I'm sure Severus wouldn't have invited me if there was an actual ceremony anyway, knowing everything that I've put him through." Remus shrugged, leaning back on his chair.

"I would've invited you," you reassured him, letting out a soft smile. He was about to reply with a sickening compliment, to throw you off completely, when there seemed to be loud sobbing upstairs, followed by rushed and panicked voices. The two of you immediately stood, and followed by Sirius and Moody, began making your way up. Remus had his wand out, so naturally, he was the first one to head up.

It was Molly, with Harry standing right behind her. Apparently, she had tried getting rid of a Boggart, but you presumed the sight of the corpse of Harry Potter right in front of her proved to be too much to bear. She must have been tired, or distracted, perhaps, and you ran to her side while Remus got rid of the Boggart. She cried in your arms as you tried comforting her, your eyes shooting to the men in the room, then to Harry, and they too, seemed rather at a loss on what to do. She was worried, since half of the family was in the Order, and understandably so, as flashes of the Weasley children that you had taught over the years appeared in your mind as you patted her back gently.

"Molly, Molly, look at me." You knew that you had been keeping too many promises for too many people, and too many secrets from many others, but you had to do this. It was the least you could do, for what you feared would come true, should the prison break from Azkaban succeed. The woman grabbed onto your bandaged arm, and you winced slightly. "I promise, to the best of my ability, that I will look out for your children, at least while they are still in school. And I'm going to be appearing at the Ministry quite often, I can help you look out for Percy as well, without him knowing of course. You shouldn't be worrying about this, your family is going to come out of this just fine, and Harry and Hermione too, you know us teachers at Hogwarts will do all that we can to ensure their safety. And when it comes down to it, don't you think for a second that I won't do everything in my power to save your children before I save myself, alright? You should rest now, come on."

You helped her up, and she continued sobbing onto your shoulder as she apologised to Harry, then Remus, and Sirius and Moody, who all assured her that she should not have. Before you left the room, however, she seemed to say, "But what about you? Are you not worried," she let out a strangled hiccough, "About Severus? Given the nature of his...you know. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to project my fears onto—"

"No, no it's fine," You smiled comfortingly at her. "And of course I worry. I worry about him all the time, Molly, all the time. Sometimes I get so sick with worry that he just won't come home one day, that he will eventually get caught, that I nearly lose myself in my worries. But I trust him, and I try not to focus on what could happen, and instead focus on what is happening. And it really helps me appreciate him more, you know? Cherish every moment with him I have, because the future is so uncertain."

You helped her wipe the final tears out of her eyes that day.

1st September 1995

"My love, come here." You hurried over to fix Severus' scarf before he left, nearly tripping over Kreacher in the process. He pretended to be annoyed as you fussed over his appearance one last time, especially with the other members of the Order watching, but you could not care less. You were going to be separated from him for a week, and who knows what could happen during that short period of time? He had his bags packed for Hogwarts, while your bags had just recently found room in the room next to Sirius'. You had decided to stay with him, after all.

"Make sure you get enough sleep every night, alright? And don't overwork yourself or get too emotional with the students, you're only going to be wasting precious energy that you are going to need. Eat all your meals, and—"

"(y/n), you've told me this for the third time today. I can take care of myself perfectly fine, you know," he said, though his heart still swelled when he thought about just how much you cared for him. You pouted, before leaning in to give him a quick kiss.

"I know, I know...I'm just worried, is all. Promise me you'll write as often as you can?"

"Promise." He secretly intertwined his pinky finger with yours under his coat, and you laughed softly as he pulled you in to give you a final kiss on your forehead. Fred and George, who had been watching the whole thing and never having seen this side to their professor before, nearly gagged. Severus sent them a death glare, but your hands quickly made him focus on you again, before sending him out of the door of Grimmauld Place, promising to see him in a week. He waved goodbye at you, before he disappeared right as you blinked for a second. As you left for work for the Ministry that day, you could not have felt more empty as you did then. You really did miss Hogwarts, and working anywhere else seemed like a torture. Everyone in the Ministry was so boring, their lives so mundane, and if not for the sake of listening in to what they had to say to report back to Dumbledore directly or to earn their trust, you swore that you would never be interested in any one of their conversations.

But it was only when you saw Sturgis Podmore being suddenly carried off, escorted by Ministry guards past your cubicle, did something finally catch your attention. 

"What's happened to him?" You whispered to Kingsley Shacklebolt, who was leaning against your desk as you read through one of his reports. 

He, too, looked quite shocked to see his old friend being dragged off in such a manner. "Don't know, but word going around is that last night, Eric Munch found him sneaking around at one in the morning. Poor man couldn't explain himself on why he's trying to break into the Department of Mysteries."

 _Damn it!_ You internally cursed in your head as the man struggled against the guards. Lucius had failed. "I...need to go."

"To report to the Order?" The man gave you a questioning look. 

"Yes," you hurriedly replied, before rushing up to Lucius' office a few floors above yours. 

He was in a meeting with Cornelius Fudge when you arrived, and it was Tonks that greeted you as you waited impatiently outside. She chirpily said hello, and although you forced a smile back, you could not help but feel that she was much too happy for your liking. She was sweet, for sure, and the fact that everyone pointed out that she seemed to have a crush on you with how much she fawned over you when you were at Order meetings was quite amusing, but you never had the time to ever get close to her, despite her best efforts. _Some other time, Tonks,_ you said to her once Lucius exited, ignoring whatever she was trying to tell you about.

"What did you do?!" You cornered him to a secluded part of the floor, and he, too, seemed quite distraught. "I thought you had it under control!"

"Listen, plans fail, alright? I've already discussed it with _him_ ," He gave an uncertain look around to see if anyone was eavesdropping, "And he has agreed to let me try again. The next time, we'll be bringing Bellatrix, Dolohov, everyone who we're breaking out of Azkaban. It was harder than your father thought, than I thought, to enter the Hall of Prophecy. We need Harry Potter to get it for us, because none of us are able to touch it except for him!"

"Are you insane? We're not including _Harry Potter_ in any of this!" You exclaimed, and his eyes narrowed, as if to question if you had some sort of _bias_ towards protecting the boy. You straightened. "I meant...the Order knows, alright? They knew before we knew, and they're calling the prophecy The Dark Lord's _weapon_. We'll never be able to obtain it now!"

"So are you dropping out of this, is that what you are saying, (y/n)?" 

"I am saying, that I cannot be involved in this anymore. They'll know, the Order will know, and my position as The Dark Lord's spy will be compromised," you said, glaring at the man and his seemingly incompetent skills at obtaining the prophecy. 

But he only gave you another sneer. "Then you'll just have to operate in even more secrecy, don't you? After all, you are very much given special treatment by The Dark Lord, you must know that by now. Private Occlumency lessons, allowing you to keep your mask on during meetings? My, my girl, he has a certain fondness for you, you know? Don't abuse that advantage you have over the rest of us."

You furrowed your eyebrows at him. "I do not have special treatment!"

"Oh, yes you do. You are just the only person who seems oblivious to it. I'm sure you have another Occlumency lesson with him in a few hours."

You nearly knocked his teeth out that day, as the blond man brushed past you to to return to his office.


	9. Dolores Umbridge

4th September 1995

You had one day left before you were due to return to Hogwarts, but if the many owls that were sent to Grimmauld Place from each of the Weasley children and Harry and Hermione were any indication of how bad things were there, it only showed that Dolores Umbridge was not doing a very good job of taking over your position.

You passed Sirius a few of the letters that had been disguised as yours, and the both of you read them together by the fireplace that night. You opened one from Harry, his rather messy handwriting a little difficult to read with only the glow of the fire.

_Professor (l/n),  
Can you believe it? The woman's still not letting us use defensive spells, and claims that you haven't got a sense of what you were teaching about in our previous years! Professor Umbridge keeps saying that she had a lot to correct from yours and Professor Lupin's lessons, calling him an extremely dangerous half-breed and you a irresponsible pure-blood who does not act remotely like one. The rest of the class hates her too, don't worry, Dean Thomas nearly lost a finger in Potions the other day when he ranted about her while angrily chopping up his ingredients, but he was defending you too. I still have detention with her from the time I yelled at her on our first day, but you shouldn't worry, all she does is make me write lines, nothing bad or anything. Professor McGonagall's talked me through what I should and should not say from now on, though. And I was told to pass on the message that she misses you, all the other teaching staff do. I think Professor Snape misses you most, though, he's been particularly grouchy this past week, so...do come back soon, will you? We can't wait to be rid of Umbridge's lessons altogether, as well as the stupid rules the Ministry has been setting on all of us.  
Harry Potter_

"What have you got this time?" Sirius folded his letter as he faced you.

"Same as all the others, just another round of complaining over the new teacher. You?"

"Same old, same old. You're quite the popular one, aren't you, though?" He gestured towards the stack you had in comparison to his few letters from Harry, "Must be some kind of good."

"Or Umbridge must be some kind of bad."

5th September 1995

Packing up your cubicle at the Ministry and saying goodbye to Sirius at Grimmauld Place went by very quickly that day, as you waited for the Hogwarts Express to take you to the school. You had advised against Sirius sending you off as a dog like he did with Harry, and he complied this time, though begrudgingly. Truth be told, in the short time that you spent together with him in that house, the two of you had bonded quite well. Both from prestigious pure-blood families, both outcasted and sorted into houses that were anything but Slytherin, both joining the Order while the rest of the family joined the Death Eaters, wait, well, you did differ slightly with him from that, but of course he did not know. But it was quite fun accompanying him in that house after you got off from work each day, from teasing and laughing at Kreacher's antics around the house together, to cleaning up whatever messes the house-elf would leave behind, to even trying out the recipes that Molly had left before she returned to The Burrow, failing dramatically at it, too. He was nicer than you would have thought, and by the time you had to leave, it really felt quite strange to think that you were going to miss him. He was almost like a brother you never had, someone who could understand your circumstances and who knew you like his own family. It felt nice, to be understood so well, and you knew, as you stepped past the platform to enter the Wizarding world that day, that you were going to look forward to the next time you were going to meet the man.

When you arrived just in time for dinner, however, you were quite surprised to see that your replacement had not left. You would have assumed that she would be incredibly busy, having to return to the Ministry immediately after her job was done, but she stayed. Dolores Umbridge was a rather short, stout woman with mouse-brown hair and bulging brown eyes that made her look quite unpleasant. She wore sickening baby-pink robes, and as she sat next to Severus in the Great Hall, you could not help but snicker at the differences in their choices of clothing. Though, your observation was short-lived, for there seemed to be an uproar of applause and cheers as you entered the Great Hall that day, much to your shock, but not to everyone else on the high table, apparently. You wondered if Umbridge really had been that bad.

At the sight of you, Severus immediately conjured a seat to his right, placing you in between him and Flitwick, but the woman seemed keen to get to know you, as she dragged the chair to her side, where you would sit in between her and the Potions professor. She giggled like a schoolgirl when you smiled as warmly as you could to her, but her eyes carried a whole other expression.

"Hello, Professor Umbridge."

"You must be Professor (l/n)," She raked her eyes over your whole appearance, her voice sugary sweet. "You look just like your mother. I knew her, you know, right before I sent Aurors after her to bring her to Azkaban. She escaped, of course, and now I am left wondering..." She looked over at your bandaged wrist this time, "...If her daughter is the same."

 _What kind of introduction was that? Has no one ever taught this woman basic respect?_ Still, you swallowed your judgement for her, and politely tried engaging her in other conversations throughout dinner, but she seemed only keen to continue questioning your morals and your teachings in the past few years that you spent in Hogwarts. She spent a good part of dessert tutting away as she studied a scroll of parchment that apparently, had a full list of what you had taught the students in the past year. She was undermining you.

When you looked over for help from the other professors, however, everyone on the table seemed to shrug, as if to tell you _she has done that to all of us,_ and that it was nothing unusual. Severus only held your hand briefly in support.

"Let's just see...if the students' clear love for your teaching translates to your ability in it. Here is the new Ministry-devised programme for the Defence Against the Dark Arts curriculum, Professor (l/n), I will be seeing you in your class very soon. Have a pleasant night!" She said once more as you got up to leave the Great Hall that night. Severus and Dumbledore stood behind you, both holding in their annoyance as well. You took the piece of parchment she offered, and studying it for a while, you turned to Dumbledore when you found out that no practical lessons were permitted, at all, a direct opposite to what he had instructed of you when he last saw you in his office.

"...Just see...how long is she staying here for, anyway?!" You exclaimed when the woman had waddled out of earshot, and this time, both men snickered at your predicament.

6th September 1995

The soft chirping of birds came from the higher levels of the castle, and Severus groaned as he was rudely awakened by them. A glance on the clock told him that it was nearly time to wake, and as he studied the sleeping, naked form of you in his arms, he wished for nothing more than to be able to stop time then. You had only just recently returned to him, and you were going away again. No doubt that it was better because he would be able to see you around in school, as well as having a rather peace of mind knowing you were at Hogwarts with him, but he wanted to be selfish; he wanted to keep you in bed with him all day. Your hair splayed out on your bare shoulders, your face nuzzled into his warmth, Severus could not witness a more serene scene. His hands lazily traced around the finger marks you had on your hips, evidence of him holding onto them too hard the previous night, and he grinned when you shuffled against him as you woke.

Pressing a soft kiss to your hair, he was about to get you to face him when he shifted; and accidentally, his body landed on your left hand, which had been clenched between both of your bodies. There was a sharp intake of breath, before you jerked it right from under him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he cooed as he realised his mistake. You had broken it from an accident at the Ministry, you said, but from the proof of your last serious injury on the first year he knew you, he found out that you naturally took a longer time to heal than most. And he felt bad, honestly, as he saw you wince and massage the bandaged wrist, and he instinctively let his lips travel to it. "Are you alright?"

You fought the urge to yank your hand away from him. Lately, you had been getting dreams. Dreams of him finding out when you were changing the bandages, of him finding out when he accidentally cut through them with his fingernails on a particularly rough night when you were making love, and even of him finding out when he got too irritated seeing you walking around with it all the time, confronting you and exposing it in front of everyone else. You wondered if it was a sign to finally tell him. _No, you could not._ He was the last person who should know. _Anyone else, anyone else but him._ You would just have to hide it until it was time. _But until when? When was it time?_

"Yes. I was just a little shocked." You tried not to focus on the fact that your mark burned slightly when he landed on it, seeing as his guilt-ridden face already made you regret massaging the hand in the fist place, but it was hard. It was hard to do everything in secret when you yearned to tell him everything, to come clean, but you had to. You needed to protect him until the end. You began to get dressed, before locking the door to Severus' bathroom to change the bandages once again, noticing that the Dark Mark on your arm had grown darker than ever.

As you entered your first class of the day, which happened to be with the fifth-year Gryffindors, you realised that you did not even to utter a word inquiring about Umbridge's teaching when everyone in the room simply began their rouses of complaining the moment you stepped in. The class was riotous; everyone seemed eager to be the first to tell you about how horrible their week had been under the Ministry representative.

"Okay, okay, settle down, the lot of you. We will spend exactly five minutes on discussing Professor Umbridge, before we actually get started on lessons, alright? We have a lot to do, and your OWLs are coming up, as I'm sure you're aware," you said with a wave of your wand, instantly summoning an air of silence as those with their mouths rattling out curses and rants at the woman found their mouths hanging wide, their words inaudible. Only when they sat back down in their seats, did you lift the spell.

_No practical lessons!  
Making us read for the whole lesson!  
Doesn't believe You-Know-Who's coming back!  
BORING!_

You cringed at the last one, before waving your wand again, indicating the end of the five minutes. No one seemed content that their venting session had been interrupted, but you were afraid that the woman was due to walk in any moment, and you would hate to see any of them face her giggly, two-faced wrath. You had initially planned for your first lesson with them to be a practical one, where they would learn more on the Shield Charm, but seeing as no such lessons were permitted, and that you had to get on the Ministry's good graces, you begrudgingly agreed. So flipping open _Defensive Magical Theory,_ you tried finding out where Umbridge had last left off with the class, but they flat-out refused to tell you.

"Come on, work with me here guys, the sooner we get through this...book, the sooner we can get to the practice papers for your OWLs, then maybe, just maybe, Umbridge will let you guys have a practical lesson for once," you pleaded, though as you flipped through more pages of the book yourself, you were not even sure where to start teaching. It was incredibly dry, with page after page of plain, old theory that was already very much irrelevant against the constantly-evolving Dark Arts. You would know, you bore witness to the kind The Dark Lord was currently using, along with his Death Eaters.

"Not a chance, that woman's mental, I tell you!" Ron sat back in his seat and replied, his book having quite a few doodles and drawings on it already.

Seamus Finnigan snickered. "Careful, Ron, you haven't raised your hand and introduced yourself! She might just appear and tell you not to ask questions without your hands raised!" He ended with an unnecessarily high-pitched tone that very much resembled the woman they all had started hating. It was the first time you saw them so unified by something.

"Professor!" Hermione interrupted you as you scrutinised the tiny words on the book, still trying to find scraps on anything remotely interesting to teach, "Might I suggest..."

She looked around uneasily, but the rest of the class seemed to nudge her to go on. "...That we still have practical lessons? But in secret? We thought you might know a thing or two about hiding us from her. I mean, anything's better than hiding under a huge Invisibility Cloak, right?" Her gaze went to Harry, who glared right back at her.

You shut the book with a finality. "That is insane, Hermione. I won't go around the Ministry's back in helping you get around learning defensive spells when they've clearly stated out the syllabus for you. I could lose my job, and you could get expelled."

"But how are we supposed to stand a chance fighting _Voldemort_ and his Death Eaters if you won't teach us?! Do you seriously believe he's not back like the rest of them?" Harry stood up with a start, and yelled across the class. _Of course I believe he's back, I saw him torture you right in front of my very eyes. I helped you escape him._

You ignored him for a while, turning to write something on the blackboard. When you finished, however, the class gave another groan as you prompted them to open up the book and begin memorising a paragraph to recite to their partner. Harry seemed rather taken aback that you were not on his side for once, when you sighed.

"It doesn't matter what I believe. But what kind of professor will I be if I let you drown in the practical exams of your OWLs...and any other situation where god forbid, you need to use defensive spells?" Leaning against the table, you looked at each one of them, who were staring at you intently again. "Starting tonight, I will accept one student each for every night of the week to practise your defensive spells with me, in my office. It is completely optional, but I am sure many of you will be interested. There are rules, and—”

You did not get to finish, because the class had burst into cheers and roars of glee again, drowning your own voice out. _What am I ever going to do without them?_

As the class streamed out of the room later that day, in considerably high spirits, you wondered if you had threatened them enough not to tell anyone, even any other teachers, about your arrangement. _But they could be trusted, right?_ You had faith in the Gryffindors. _And in a way, was it true what Cedric Diggory said, that I was making up for something with this?_

It was past midnight. You had just finished another report on the Ministry that you were prepared to send to Dumbledore's office, but when you walked out of your office in the darkness and stealthily made your way to the Headmaster's Towers, you collided hard with another late-night wanderer. Prepared to chew out whoever was out and about this late at night in the castle, you were shocked to see Harry in front of you when you lit your wand.

He helped you stand after gathering your papers, and you hurriedly kept them out of his view when he began reading them. "Harry! What are you doing this late out? Go back to your dormitory, will you? It's not safe to be..."

Your voice faltered as you stared at the hand that was clutching his schoolbag. It was bleeding red, with droplets of blood dripping down to his own robes. There seemed to be words on the cuts, as if expertly traced there by a scalpel. _What on earth..._

Upon noticing that you had seen what happened to him, Harry tried shoving his hand into his robes to hide it from you, but he winced as you reacted even quicker than he did, and pulled his hand under the light. _I must not tell lies._ His hand looked raw, angry, and you swallowed your anger for whoever had done it to him. You had to remain as calm as possible.

"Harry. Who...exactly...did...this...to...you?" It was difficult to hold your fury in, and the fact that you had an inkling of who might have done it was not helping things. You knew no other teacher that would resort to such medieval methods of punishment.

"It's nothing, just a piece of joke shop item that Fred and George tried testing on me. It went wrong, of course."

"Bullshit." He raised his eyebrows in surprise when he heard. He had never seen you look so pissed. "Was it Professor Umbridge?"

He did not want to answer. He did not want to be known as the boy who ran to his parent figure in school when things went the slightest way wrong for him. Malfoy had taken the liberty to mock him many times of his relationship with you for that. He had yearned to tell you, of course, but he did not want to burden you with his problems either, he figured you had enough on your plate already. Severus was not the only one who noticed you looking way more exhausted than usual.

But his silence was enough to say everything. "Go back to your dormitory at once, and don't follow me. I don't want you hearing whatever I am about to say to her, understand?"


	10. Every Little Thing Matters

7th September 1995

"As I am aware, Professor (l/n), the methods in which I choose to punish my students are up to me. I do not see why—"

"The methods in which you are choosing are torture! We don't harm the students in this school when they make mistakes, we give them a reminder of the right thing to do, we let them grow, and we let them learn! You making Harry Potter write on a piece of parchment using a Dark object that uses his blood as ink is not a very viable method of letting him learn from his mistakes if you ask me! We take away House points to remind the students that their actions affect those around them, we make them do detentions of cleaning classrooms or objects around the school to emphasise the importance of chores, we make them stay back and talk to them about what they've done wrong to make sure they don't make the same mistake again! This—" You picked up the Black Quill on the table, thrusting it to Umbridge, "—Is not going to teach them anything but that they are not allowed to grow from their mistakes! That all mistakes mean torture for them! You don't get to do this to them!"

Umbridge was still smiling that sickeningly fake, nauseating smile at you, her hands crossed in front of her as she stood behind her desk. "Perhaps you have been subject to Dumbledore's methods of running this school for too long then, Professor (l/n). You have gone soft, and that is why the students love you so much. You are highly ineffective, inefficient, and it is teachers like you that are hindering the progress Hogwarts has needed all these years. The Black Quill only reminded the boy not to tell lies, which...is a very harmful thing to be doing now, of all times," she leaned in closer to you as she spoke, "Don't you think? Correct me if I'm wrong, Professor, but I have never heard of you ever giving detention to students that involved anything but them helping you clean the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom or simply speaking to them after their classes, which, is kind of pathetic, don't you think? Not punishing these delinquents as they deserve to be punished? Makes me think that you are quite different from your parents after all. Did you know your father was the Head of Muggle Torture in that...organisation? So imagine—"

"Do not include my family in any of this, Umbridge," you snarled. Standing in the awfully pink room filled with kittens trapped in paraphernalia along with decorations consisting of other sweet items that seemed anything but sweet when under her care, you stood out like a sore thumb in your fresh, paper-white robes. _How could she be this adamant that she did no wrong?_ You were starting to lose faith that your partner in teaching was going to become a Remus, when she was proving to be even more difficult than a Lockhart or a Quirrell.

Umbridge knew she had struck a sore subject. "But it is true, Professor, and what good is it to deny the truth? You are nothing but a blood-traitor in their eyes, and an awfully untrustworthy pure-blood in Dumbledore and the Ministry's eyes. You do not belong anywhere, for neither side wants you, in case you did not know. Might I remind you that your position as Hogwarts representative in the Ministry is still under my authority? Should you want to keep your position, as well as any chance Hogwarts has of retaining even a crumb of control over how the school is run, I suggest you do not question my authority. I am sure the Headmaster will not be pleased to find out his _throwaway puppy_ has disappointed him once again by losing her job in the Ministry, as well as making a lifelong enemy of the most important figure Hogwarts has ever had, me. It is crucial that you let me teach the way I want to teach, and you strictly follow the syllabus I have entrusted upon you. What Harry Potter doesn't know will not hurt him, and really, we both know that the Black Quill does little to break his spirit. He comes back here every night cheerful as ever, you know? Now step back, please, I have much to do for Cornelius tonight, because...unlike you, Professor (l/n), _I belong somewhere where my presence is valued._ "

You were absolutely sure that the door slam heard in Umbridge's office could be heard through the entire castle, seeing that you knew a few of the ceramic plates of kittens on her walls fell from their places and crashed into tiny little pieces with the force that you had slammed it with.

The next morning, there seemed to be whispers throughout the Great Hall as you entered with Severus, with particular attention paid to your left, bandaged wrist. _They must've thought I beat that woman up or something._

However, nothing could draw your attention more from the pairs of eyes staring determinedly at you as Umbridge may her way to the table, than when the _Daily Prophet_ arrived that morning. Paying the owl right as it flew onto the high table, you were not usually one to read the articles very much, but Severus seemed to deem it important to do so, especially with what was currently going on. He sucked in a breath when he found _it_ , the article that Dumbledore had told him about the other day. Gesturing for you to have a look, Severus could see your eyes widen at the corner of his gaze too, though for a completely different reason. 

_TRESPASS AT MINISTRY_. The words seemed to float off of the paper in front of you. "Six months, Severus."

"Yeah, listen, Dumbledore thinks it's either he was under the Imperius Curse or someone from the Ministry tried luring him in, because the guards were instructed never to try entering the Department, only to guard it. And Sturgis has been with the Order from the start, he wouldn't do anything like this. He'll probably want you to find what went wrong. Could you tell Umbridge...that you'll be...you know?" He gestured over to the woman, who was gleefully spreading butter onto her toast without a care in the world, and you felt your face form into a disgusted leer at the sight of her. 

"I could, but that doesn't mean I'll be happy doing it."

"I'll pray for your classes, then."

8th September 1995

As you prepared your latest lesson plans for Umbridge before you left that day, you had a sickening thought that she would disregard them anyway, and would stick to her usual routine of asking the students to simply read their textbooks for the whole period. _They don't want the students trained in combat, in such fear that Dumbledore would grow even more powerful._ Even the thought made your head spin, and you could not believe that you still had to spend so much time working with the Ministry, even after all they had done. 

Just as you holstered your bag onto your shoulder, however, three distinct raps on the door stopped you from your departure. Harry, Ron and Hermione did not even wait for your approval to enter before they strode in, apparently in clear distress. Hermione slammed a copy of the day's newspaper in front of you, the photograph of Umbridge an incredible shock to your eyes. _She really was an eyesore, that woman._

"Have you seen this, Professor?" Hermione exclaimed, pointing out that the woman had been appointed Hogwarts High Inquisitor. You ignored her for a moment to scan through the article, your frown deepening as you did. 

"That would give her powers surpassing mine and any other teachers'," You pointed to the words where they highlighted so. "That's..."

"Bloody horrible!" Ron finished your sentence for you. "And you see what Percy's said about you? Seriously, sometimes I think it's me who should be ashamed to have him for a brother!"

But that had been the least of your concerns. What had caught your eye, was the fact that she now had authority to fully dictate how the lessons were going to be carried out, and that she could send anyone off if she needed to, which meant—

"We'll have to put a stop to the nightly individual practical lessons," you said, and the roar of protests nearly deafened you. "Listen! If that woman finds out what we've been doing, especially with her position now, it won't only be you guys that will be expelled. I'm going to get fired too, and then what will happen? You will be completely under her mercy! Think, you three, think!"

Hermione shamefully looked away, but Ron and Harry seemed adamant about not wanting to let the subject go. Just then, the ginger-haired boy seemed to notice the bag you had on you, along with your travelling cloak, and his eyes narrowed. "And you're leaving us now? Of all times?"

"I have to go do something for the Order, Ron. And you know about this, I'm not going to be here as often as in the past few years, so you three really have to take care of yourselves," You said, while hurriedly taking off some books from your shelves. They used to belong in the private study of your father, but you had taken them with you upon settling at Hogwarts. _If there ever is an appropriate time to be caught owning these, it would be now._ The three watched you in puzzlement. "Your OWLs are coming up, and I would be very disappointed if the three of you do not achieve at least an 'E' in Defence Against the Dark Arts, after everything I've taught you. Anything less than that and you won’t be permitted to be in my class next year, and Defence Against the Dark Arts is a very important subject, considering...never mind. So just keep your head down, listen to Professor Umbridge, and study hard."

"But when will you be back?" Harry stepped forward this time, his stance confrontational. 

"I...don't know. Look, I have to go," You scribbled down a note for Hermione while the boys complained once more. "But take this, Hermione."

Handing the stack of books to the girl, she groaned under the weight, enlisting Ron and Harry to her side to help her. You still had not told them what they were or why you were giving it to them, but as you left your office in a hurry to catch the train to London, the three were instructed that they were allowed to share, copy off of, and use the books with the other students, but keeping them a secret from Umbridge was paramount. When they brought it back to the common room, though, Hermione slipped away from the boys for a brief moment to read your note. 

_Hermione,_  
_You and I know you are not going to be doing much learning for Defence Against the Dark Arts this year, with me gone and Umbridge here. And this isn't just about the OWLs, as I couldn't say earlier, but You-Know-Who. You need to prepare yourselves should there be an attack. Harry has the skills and abilities far beyond his years, if you know what I mean. Do what you will with this information and the books I've given you, but burn this note once you read it, and don't get caught, at all costs.  
_ _Professor (l/n)_

As she returned to the boys later, she saw that they, along with a few of the other Gryffindor boys in their year, were busy flipping over the books with their mouths wide open. 

"Look at this stuff! It's...nightmarish!" Dean Thomas cringed as he showed her a very brutal drawing of someone getting cast by the Cruciatus Curse, while Neville was busy gagging at the corner after reading off a paragraph on another leather-bound, expensive looking book. Hermione approached, and to her surprise, or shock, she found out that the books that you had unloaded onto them earlier were books about the _Dark Arts._

"How'd she even get all this stuff? Is she like, a Death Eater or something? It's got so much more information than the whole of the Hogwarts library has about You-Know-Who, and before his time, even!" Ron whispered to her and Harry that night, after the rest had gone off to bed and they were busy poring over the books once again.

"Don't be silly, you idiot, we're lucky she even gave this to us...now hand me that one over there, Harry!" She dismissed him as she turned to Harry, who, for the first time, was entranced by the words in front of him too.

10th September 1995

Severus joined you two days later, back to give another important report to the Order. This time, it seemed as if everyone was there, with how cramped the usually large dining room was. Even Charlie Weasley, who had been busy overseas trying to get foreign wizards to join the Order, was there. And with him, he had apparently brought about a friend.

Severus was already in the dining room when you entered, but the reaction you had when you saw _her_ was still terrifying to him nonetheless. _She looked exactly like Lily._ As far as he knew, you did not know what she looked like apart from her photographs, but your mind was already struggling to comprehend that the woman standing beside Charlie was _not her_. She was a little older than you, almost like a mentor to Charlie, but her ginger hair made it look as if she had been his older sister instead. Her bright green eyes made eye contact with yours as you walked in, and the smile that she gave you reminded of a very familiar one, one you saw all those nights ago in the graveyard. It almost felt unreal to be even looking at her. 

Severus could have stared at your interaction for longer, to gauge your reaction, but he received a particularly hard nudge from Kingsley Shacklebolt to commence the meeting, and he had to reluctantly tear his eyes away from the scene. Nobody else seemed to have reacted the way you and him did when you saw her, and he wondered if she had really been there at all, or just a figment of both your imaginations. But he started the meeting anyway, occasionally sneaking glances to you, at the far end of the room beside Remus, and her on the other side, seated at the table. 

When he finally finished, everyone seemed to let out a rather heavy sigh from the upsetting contents of his report, before shrugging at each other as they got up to leave. The woman then got up to walk over to you as you turned to leave, and Severus could not have wanted to overhear the conversation more than he did then, even as he was pulled back by the army of questions from the Aurors. 

Her hands were cold when they caught on your wrist, and you instinctively pulled back sharply, for she had grabbed the left one. "S-sorry, I injured that one a while ago, it hasn't healed."

Her eyes raised in alarm, before assuring you it was nothing. She leaned in to say something else, but between the noise of Sirius' mother screaming throughout the whole house again because of Tonks knocking over another piece of furniture, and the yelling from Sirius to ask her to shut up, you could not hear a thing she said. 

"What did you say?" You craned your neck towards her, she was a much shorter woman than you were. 

"Oh, I said I was such a huge fan, you know, when you entered the room earlier, I had a little starstruck moment. We don't see people like you everyday in America!" _Of course, her accent had been rubbing you off the wrong way, and you finally figured out why._

"...Huge fan of what?" 

"Quidditch! You...you played for the Falmouth Falcons, right? Their Seeker?" Her voice was once again drowned out by another torrent of screams, and Molly was already tugging you away by the time she explained herself. 

"Oh, yes, yes. Thank you, it was nice to meet you too," You did not quite catch her name, but you had no chance to already, Molly seemed quite insistent on pulling you away. "I'll see you around."

The interaction had been short, but you did not know if you wished you had gotten more time to get to know her or not. You wondered if Severus had seen her too, but he had to. He was at the head of the table during the meeting, and he could see everyone.

And little did you know, that as much as Severus willed himself not to, the woman had been the only thing on his mind that night. 

11th September 1995

"Merlin, Severus, how many times do I have to tell you not to mix your laundry with mine?" You said out loud, as you frustratingly sorted your once again dyed white robes from his black ones. They had turned a shade of patchy light grey then, and you huffed irritatedly as you threw them into the laundry basket once more. "I've clearly labelled yours and mine, look!"

He did not move from his position on his desk, only allowing his eyes to glaze over the baskets, before returning to his work. "And how many times do I have to tell you that you should just start wearing black robes instead of white? You've started wearing grey, so just make the next step and wear black. It'll be easier for the both of us, anyway."

"That's not the point! And I started wearing grey because I simply do not have enough white ones that have not been accidentally dyed by your black ones! Look, what is so difficult about this, Sev? It's just laundry."

"Precisely. It's just laundry, so don't make a big deal out of this (y/n), Merlin, you're giving me a headache." He rubbed his temples dramatically as if to emphasise his point, and you stood there in silence, seething. In the end, you threw the baskets on the ground anyway, and began sorting your own laundry. Severus often disliked the comparison the students had put on you and him with your matching black and white robes, but it seemed to be at a breaking point then, with how you were nagging at him for the simplest of things like _forgetting_ to separate his laundry from yours. He had had a busy day, and between having to tackle his work at Hogwarts as well as for the Death Eaters, it was taking all his energy not to just ignore you then and fall asleep on his pile of essays. The words of the first years were making his head spin, along with the many crosses he had drawn on their works. 

"But I've told you time and time again, Severus, and I'm tired of having to redye my robes every time you mix yours in." You did not seem intent on letting him go. 

"Then why can't you just wear black?! I proposed a solution, and you didn't want it!"

"Because it's not a solution! Why can't _you_ wear white?"

Severus' patience was running thin. "Why are we arguing about this? This is so petty, so stupid, (y/n), and lately all our conversations have been turning to arguments, it honestly frustrates me so much. Why can't we just have _one_ normal conversation where we don't end up getting annoyed at each other?"

"Because you do things like this and expect me to clean up after your messes! You're calling _me_ petty and stupid, Severus, and trust me, I've let go of so many other things that I wanted to point out to you, because I know, I know what you are doing is incredibly difficult and taxing on you, but this is just a simple matter of knowing where to sort your laundry! Because in case you haven't realised, Severus, _I_ have a life and a job too! I can't be the housewife that stays at home and does your chores for you, to serve you anytime and anything you ask for from me, to do the job of a _house-elf_ for you!"

"I never called you petty and stupid! I was saying...argh! Forget it, forget this!" He stood up from his desk then, and angrily grabbed his laundry basket from the ground, enchanting all of his clothes to sort themselves from yours. It was an act of spite, though it was something he could have done easily if he wanted to, and somehow, you got even more mad at him for it. Pushing past him into his bedroom then, you decided that you were done talking to him for the day. _What the hell is his problem?!_

At breakfast the next morning, although the both of you were still sitting next to each other, everyone else on the table seemed to have noticed your animosity towards each other. Minerva purposely chose to sit at the far end of the table, and Flitwick decided it would be best not to engage you in conversation that morning. It looked like you and Severus were lions ready to pounce at each other anytime then, and the instructions to steer clear could not have been more obvious. 

Well, it could not have been more obvious to anyone else but Umbridge, because as she sat beside Severus and began buttering her toast once more, she shot a look towards the both of you, and had the cheek to ask in that annoyingly girlish voice of hers if anything seemed to be the problem. 

"Shut up, Umbridge," you both said at the same time.


	11. The Educational Decree

12th September 1995

Umbridge was already standing by your desk when you gently opened the door to your Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom that day. Casting a glance to your wristwatch, and then at the calendar on the wall, you paused to give her a questioning look. 

"Have I entered the wrong classroom, Professor Umbridge?" 

"Oh, no, you haven't Professor (l/n), though, that does show off much of your sense of time and punctuality around here, doesn't it? I trust you have received my note, regarding your _revised_ time and date of your inspection? You have blown me off the past few days, of course, and your class as well as Professor Snape's are the only ones left I have yet to inspect. " Her voice truly tested your abilities not to show off a sneer in front of the students. The bad week you were having was really stretching into more than just a week, and you wondered how long this string of bad luck was going to go on for. 

Nodding curtly to the woman, you began taking out your notes from the textbook that she had ordered from your bag. She stared incredulously at the revised version of notes from _Defensive Magical Theory_ through your handwriting, and she watched as you flipped open the book, which was to her dismay, filled with crossed out paragraphs and notes filled to the margins, so that they looked almost as black as the printed portions itself. There were annotations everywhere on the text, with words like _irrelevant, outdated_ and _useless_ scrawled onto them.

" _Hem hem_ ," You glared at her, "I see you have made doodles and drawings onto your textbook, Professor (l/n). Might I remind you that this is not a little diary, where you write down everything that's been going on in your life and drawing heart shapes around the names of the boys you fancy?" She pointed out, though she received not even a single laugh from the class. She would have thought it was very funny, the remark. 

Ignoring the woman altogether, she resigned to the back of the class as you began. There was a clipboard in her hands, and the flowery quill she was using to jot down notes scratched loudly against the parchment as you spoke. 

"Now can anyone tell me what a Reductor Curse does, exactly?" A flurry of hands shot into the air, a stark contrast on a very similar question Umbridge had asked her half of the cohort earlier in the day. She smacked her lips, before beginning to walk up and down the classroom, inspecting everyone's textbooks. Apparently, they too, had followed in your footsteps and scrawled out many of the texts on there. The woman gripped her quill tighter, appalled at her discovery. 

After a while, you let the class have a few minutes to themselves and their partner to discuss on the history and effects of the Impediment Jinx, watching as Umbridge wrote furiously on her clipboard each time she came across yet another textbook with annotations matching yours. 

"And what do you think about Professor (l/n)'s.... _unorthodox_ teaching methods? By asking you to vandalise your books in this manner, discrediting and destroying the works of Wilbert Slinkhard in this manner?" She leaned down to ask Parvati Patil, who jumped upon the sudden intrusion of privacy. 

"We think it's just fine, thanks. She didn't force us to copy down her annotations or write on our textbooks either, we did it on our own will," she replied hastily, moving as far away from the woman as possible. Umbridge, in response, scribbled something down on her clipboard, before moving to another table. 

"And how have your grades been affected, over the years with ever-changing Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers? I would have imagined they suffered quite a lot, haven't they?" She asked another student, and he looked to you for help, but you nodded firmly, prompting him to tell the truth. 

"Well, it hasn't made much of a difference, really. Professor (l/n)'s very good, and her exams have always been fair. Most of us that are under her teaching always do quite well, actually, she's helped me go from a 'D' to an 'A' in a couple of months." There was a murmur of agreement throughout the class, but Umbridge did not seem convinced.

"Do you think it's because she has been purposely setting her papers at an easier level? To accommodate...for your intelligence? Or has she been bribing the lot of you, giving you good scores in exchange for your—" She began, but Harry had stood up and clenched his fists, ready to yell at her once more. 

"Harry, sit down!" You exclaimed before he could unleash his torrent of rage upon her, earning himself yet another detention. His hand had not fully healed from her previous ones, and you would hate to see him have to go through another one for defending you. She looked at him challengingly, before he cast one final glance at you, your eyes determinedly urging him to sit, and sat back down. Hermione could be seen hitting his head a few seconds later, scolding him as well. 

When class was finally dismissed, however, Umbridge made her way towards you, her hands still furiously scribbling onto the then very filled piece of parchment.

"Now...how long have you been teaching at Hogwarts, Professor?"

"Nearly five years," you replied, beginning to pack your items. Her eyes ran over your notes once more, her face filled with disgust.

"That's a very short amount of time, in comparison to all the other teachers. And you were a professional Quidditch player before this, right?" 

"Yes." Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed that the Gryffindor trio had stayed behind, apparently trying to eavesdrop on the conversation. Umbridge scribbled something along the lines of _previous job not related to current job whatsoever_. 

"Do you think the students have a soft spot for you because of your age? And your looks, Professor?" Umbridge studied you up and down, her sweet smile appearing once more. 

"I don't suppose this is related to the inspection, Prof—"

"Oh, but I suppose it is. Especially to the older students, Professor, they appear to have quite a preference to your classes instead of mine."

"Well, maybe, just maybe, it is because of anything else but my _appearance_ , Professor Umbridge. And have you ever thought of the possibility that they like me better because of my _teaching methods?_ " You brushed her off, ready to leave, but she refused to let you do so. 

"And Professor Snape," You stopped in your tracks at the mention of the name. "I suppose he, too, has been entranced by your looks? You two seem awfully close to each other. God forbid there is something going on between the both of you, that is a punishable offence, you know, under Educational Decree—"

"Then I will be glad to assure you, Professor, that there is nothing going on between Professor Snape and I." You gritted your teeth, and the three students at the back left the class then, knowing grins on their faces as they passed you. _What she doesn't know won't hurt her._

After what seemed like another hour or two of questions (when in reality, it had only been a few more minutes at most), the woman finally left you alone, and as you angrily shoved the rest of your things into your bag and stormed out of the class, everyone in the hallway seemed to know what had happened to cause such a sour mood to emit off of you. 

15th September 1995

Your head was buried in between your arms, laying on the hard wood surface of your office desk. The fireplace was crackling quite comfortably, and the stack of essays that you had to mark were left ignored on the side as you peacefully dozed off. You had not meant to, you only wanted to shut your eyes for a minute or so, but soon enough sleep had overtaken you and you had fallen victim to your own drooping eyelids. It was a dreamless sleep, one of the best ones you have had in a while, and you were enjoying it very much until the door to your office burst open again and startled you. 

"Harry, Ron, Hermione," you groaned, rubbing your eyes sleepily as they exchanged sheepish looks at having woken you up. 

"I told you we should've knocked!" Harry whispered angrily to Hermione, who sent him a look as if to say _well, what's been done is done, hasn't it?_

She brought Harry forward, and pulled back his robes forcefully, revealing a scarf wrapped around his hand that had been stained blood red. You spent a few seconds to gather what she was doing, but when the realisation fell on you, you felt yourself take in a sharp breath. 

"What have you gotten yourself into this time, Harry?" You said, carefully unwrapping the scarf to reveal his bloody hand that had the words he was tasked to write down that night carved onto it. He looked away to Ron, making it clear that he had been reluctant to come to you, and that if not for Hermione and Ron pushing him to do so, he would have kept quiet about it all the way. 

"Ron, Hermione, would you two return to Gryffindor Tower for tonight, please? I wouldn't want Umbridge catching either of you as well. I'll walk Harry back once I'm done with him, alright?" Ron did not seem eager to leave, but Hermione knew better, and as much as she wanted to stay with Harry, she pulled Ron away just as you finished your sentence. 

The door shut softly, and sighing, you pulled your hair up in a messy bun to focus your full attention on the boy. He was sitting in front of the fireplace, just like old times, and the hand he was clutching looked even worse under the warm glow of the fire, if possible. 

"Here," Passing Harry a small bowl of yellow liquid, you sat across from him as you helped him dip his hand inside. "A solution of strained and pickled Murtlap tentacles. It'll help with the stinging."

He instantly sighed in relief as the essence absorbed the blood on his hand and alleviated the pain. "Thanks. You really know your way around this stuff."

 _That's because I've been using it whenever my Dark Mark burns,_ you thought, before unfurling the roll of bandages you had, and carefully wrapping it around his hand. He watched as you worked, the white rolls going over and over his hand as the words carved into his skin began to disappear. 

"You need to stop pissing that woman off, Harry. She's going to be here for a while, and getting yourself into regular detentions with her isn't going to be the way you want to spend your fifth year at Hogwarts. I understand you want to stand up for what's right, to tell the truth about The Dark Lord's return to the Wizarding world, but it is not worth it to do it with her. She does not have the capabilities to be willing to listen from a different perspective and point of view, and arguing with her is just a waste of time. You need to know what is worth fighting for, and what you need to accept and move on from."

"Why aren't you fighting her, then? She's clearly pissing you and the rest of the teachers off too, isn't she? And what she said about you the other day, I nearly wanted to hex her for that." The boy shifted uncomfortably, wincing as you hit a particularly tender spot. Apologising, you meticulously wrapped over it once more for good measure. 

You were about to reply, to tell him how even with all your hatred towards her, that you _could never_ stand up to her the way he so courageously did because of a completely different set of circumstances, when the door opened for the second time that night. Harry jumped, not believing that Ron and Hermione had forgotten to lock it, but when he saw that it was Severus who entered, he did not know if he should feel relieved or even more on edge. 

The man studied the scene for a moment, him with his hands on yours as you finished up bandaging it, and you sitting across from him as you spoke comfortingly. He was reminded of a scene from not too long ago, and his heart tugged at the sight of the both of you. But Severus was never one to be able to process his emotions well. "Five points from Gryffindor. Get out, Potter."

"Five points to Gryffindor. Severus, don't be ridiculous, he's injured," You raised Harry's hand towards him. "And what do you want?"

Your eyes travelled to the piece of parchment Severus was holding in his hands, and he contemplated for a minute whether or not it was worth it to argue with you on the points status, before giving in. He shoved the piece of parchment in front of you. 

_BY ORDER OF THE HIGH INQUISITOR OF HOGWARTS_

_All staff relationships, affairs and engagements between other members of staff with positions at Hogwarts are henceforth barred._  
_A workplace relationship is not only an unprofessional relationship to be showing off to students, but it also reflects to parents and the general Wizarding community on what kind of standards Hogwarts has set upon for its staff._  
_Teachers and staff with cohabitation living arrangements out of wedlock are therefore advised to immediately terminate arrangements and move back in to their respective quarters and offices. Only in the case of marriages are couples allowed to share a living space._  
_Henceforth, all marriages are to be reported to the High Inquisitor with proper marriage certificates and evidences to be dismissed from the threat of suspension should a relationship between the couple be found out by the High Inquisitor._  
_The above is in accordance with Educational Decree Number Twenty-Three._

_Signed: Dolores Jane Umbridge, High Inquisitor._

"Harry, let's get you back to your dormitory. I have a word to discuss with Professor Snape," you said, upon finishing reading the words in front of you.


	12. Doubts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen to champagne problems while reading this if u really want to get into it <3

15th September 1995

"That isn't true!" 

"What isn't? That I am doing _everything_ in this relationship and you are doing _nothing_ for us? Of course it is!" 

"That's not fair and you know it, Severus! You don't know the things," You looked away, willing yourself not to get emotional, "The things I am doing for you! For us!"

"Oh, tell me, then, what exactly is _it_ that you are doing for us, apart from being the most selfish person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting?" His voice was sharp, cutting.

"I can't, alright? But that is not the problem we have here! You are talking about going out to report our relationship to Umbridge, Severus!"

"Our _marriage,_ you mean. And what's so wrong with that? We get to live the way we are living now, nothing will change for us, and we don't have to hide around her anymore. Why, why, are you so opposed to the idea of letting everyone know about us, (y/n)?" He pleaded, holding onto you as if he was afraid you would slip right through his fingers. 

"Because then she will have a hold over us, over what we do, Severus! You said it yourself, the fewer people who know, the better! Merlin, did you forget Minerva's reaction when she had to find out from Molly Weasley? That woman flipped out and didn't talk to us for days!" 

Severus could not see where you were going with it, and he was growing more frustrated by the second. "But Umbridge already knows about us, she _suspects_ us, and to deny it even further is just going to push her to do more nasty things to try to get us to expose ourselves! Why not come clean and just let her know _now?!_ "

"We don't even have a proper marriage certificate to show her, Severus! This," You pointed towards the piece of parchment pinned to the wall above Severus' bed, "This is not evidence of anything! It's not legal, it's not official, and the woman is just going to laugh and throw that away the moment we show it to her! And then what, she's going to suspend us, the both of us! Do you really want that to happen so bad, Severus?" 

"Then let's get registered," Severus said, as if the answer had been so obvious. It was a simple solution, really, but with the way you reacted upon hearing him say that said otherwise. You turned away from him for a brief moment, shutting your eyes. It looked like you were trying to hold yourself together, and suddenly, the silence in the air became deafening. A heavy weight settled on Severus' chest. "(y/n)?"

You said nothing, shaking your head and willing the tears not to flow. _I can't tell him, I can't tell him now._ The truth was, you were scared. Commitment was one of the scariest things for you, given your past experiences, and when Severus proposed that night, with his emotions clouding him and him looking so brittle, so fragile, you could not find it in your heart to say no. _No, you were not ready for marriage,_ you wanted to tell him, but perhaps the events that had occured that night had gotten to you too, and you said yes not only to placate him, but because it had made you fear losing him, too. But now that tensions were at an all-time high and you had settled into the safety and comfort of each other once more, you finally realised that perhaps, _marriage was not what you wanted._

"(y/n)..." Severus' voice was dangerously low, "...Do you regret getting married to me? Is that why you do not want to get our marriage registered?"

Severus' heart was on the verge of breaking. Your silence was killing him, and in the span of the time that you had spent not replying him, his fears about you rose once again. _Merlin, she regrets everything. She is regretting being with me, now._ Had he asked for your hand in marriage too fast? Had he provided you with no other option but to say yes? _But she said it herself, that night, that she had wanted to marry me. Was it all in my head?_

"...Marriage is hard, Severus." You finally looked up at him, and Severus saw that behind your eyes, was a flurry of emotions that included regret, sadness, and fear. "We've been fighting almost every single day, and...and it's different now, our relationship. Going out and getting our marriage officially registered...I don't know if we can survive that."

The world stopped moving for Severus Snape. It felt like you had reached inside of him, grabbed his heart out, and shattered it into pieces right in front of him. "Why would you say that? Why would you think...Look, we can get through this, we can get through all our fights and arguments, our disagreements, our differences. We can go back, just like old times, alright? The only difference is we'll have proof that we're together forever, and a wedding band on our fingers, and everything else will remain the same. We can...we can go out and get our wedding bands now, my love, any design you want, any price they are, anywhere we need to get them from, I'll buy them for us, okay? I don't care if they're crazily expensive, I'll work twice as hard, I'll pull overtime, I'll borrow gold from Lucius, just to get them for you. And then, we can go get registered, and we can buy a house together, one where we can start over yet still have things be the same, and—and everything else, because Merlin, _we're married_ , (y/n), and you can't give up on us like this—"

"But we are not married, Severus," you said sadly, the tears blurring your vision then. "You and I, as far as legality goes, you and I are not married. And maybe that's the only thing that is still keeping me in faith, keeping me from self-destructing, because the idea of _marriage_ is so, so scary to me. I've seen too many of them burn out too quickly and fall apart, and I don't want that to happen to us, which, I'm afraid, is already happening. I don't want things to change, and...I don't think I can do this."

"Even for me? You don't think you can do it for me?" Severus moved forward to take your hand in his then, and your heart ached painfully as the feeling of his warm, calloused fingers touched your cold ones. You used your other hand to wipe the tears off of your face, but they just kept flowing, and soon enough, you were sure that your face was red from crying. Severus longed to hold you, to pull you into his arms and tell you everything was going to be alright, but he could not. He was not even sure if everything was alright himself. Studying you then, he could not believe, that among the many arguments the both of you had been having for the past few weeks, _this_ was the one that led to this very painful conversation. He silently cursed Umbridge in his head, even if he knew it was not her fault at all. 

When you failed to answer, Severus pushed again. "(y/n), I need an answer from you."

"I have essays to mark, lessons to plan, reports to finish for the Order, Severus, I can't do this right now. Can we put a hold onto this conversation, and revisit it another time? Maybe I'll feel differently then," you begged, hoping he would nod his head and let you go.

He stared at you for a while, his eyes never leaving yours, before he shook his head and cast it down. "No."

"No, what?"

"No, we cannot put a hold on this. I need an answer from you now, (y/n)."

"Like, right this minute?" You swallowed the lump in your throat.

"You could take a day, or two days, or a week, but I need an answer from you. I'm not young anymore, (y/n), and believe it or not, I want to settle down. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, to have kids with, to grow old with, as a married couple. And with the way this war is going to turn out, I don't know if I can even get the luxury of those things, Merlin, I don't even know if I'll survive this. And you, you're young, much younger than I am, and you're smart and beautiful and everything that I don't deserve. When everyone looks at us, when they find out we are a couple, all I can hear from them is how in the hell did a guy like _me_ get a girl like _you_ , and when you married me, or at least I thought you did, I thought that these worries I have, these insecurities I have that someday, someone younger, richer, and more handsome is just going to sweep you off of your feet and take you away from me, and the one good thing I have, would go away. It's happened before, and I wouldn't be surprised if it did, but...Merlin, I thought, I thought these things would go away by now. And unfortunately, unlike you, I don't have the luxury of lovers and admirers falling at my feet whenever I want them to, because let's face it, who would want to be with grumpy, old _Snivellus_ , (y/n)? I don't want to wait around for so long for you to finally make a decision that this isn't what you want, because I don't want to start over at thirty five."

"Start over?" You did not quite understand him. "...Like, with someone else?" 

He kept his eyes on you, and that was answer enough. Gently letting go of the hand that had been clutching yours so tightly just now, Severus pulled away. There was only about a few inches of space between the both of you, but you felt like you were worlds away as his words came crashing down, destroying you from within. _He's leaving me if I don't say yes, and how can I argue with that? I would've done the exact same thing if I had been in his position too._ But at the same time, saying yes for the sake of saying yes once more, was a repeat of what you had done in the past, and you were not sure if you were more afraid of staying in a loveless marriage or losing him altogether.

"Look, I have to go. Dumbledore wants me at the headquarters tonight, and I can't stay here for much longer. So...think about it, alright? _A week is all we have._ "

As the door clicked into place that night and the warmth and smell of his cologne left the room along with him, you felt your knees give way and the tears that had been threatening to spill again break through the dams of your eyes. 

16th September 1995

 _You're just imagining things,_ Severus told himself as he entered Grimmauld Place again that day, with everyone there suddenly turning to look at him. There was no way anyone could have known of what just happened between him and you, known of what he had to go through that night while still putting on a stoic, brave face in front of the members, but Severus had a sinking feeling that everyone there was accusing him, blaming him for what he did to you, with their eyes. He shrugged it off, and proceeded to the dining room. 

He was early, and he decided that he would spend the next few minutes catching up on his own work, too. So hastily grabbing the stack of fourth-year essays that he had to mark, he began dipping his quill into his inkwell and returned to a focused headspace. 

The smell of incense in the air was dizzying, and Severus hated the choice of scent Sirius Black had put in the house to mask the smell of the years of decay in there. He much rather preferred the smell of your perfume, or your shampoo. Once again his thoughts filled with you, and he had to slap himself mentally to get out of them. But it was hard to do so, when the chair he was sitting on was uncomfortable and the table in which his work lay upon was shaky and had uneven surfaces. Everything was distracting, including the voices outside, the sound of Kreacher grumbling through the house, and even the scratch of his quill as he pressed it against the parchments. Severus was on the verge of losing it. 

"Well, they're a lively bunch out there, huh?" Severus looked up from whoever had entered and dared speak with him, and he was about to scold the person to leave him alone when the words died in his throat. It was her. It was the woman who looked exactly like Lily. She had an American accent, and she was much shorter than the real Lily was, but she still looked like her all the same. Severus lost control of his quill and it rolled from his hands to the edge of the table, until it fell down right in front of her. 

"You dropped this." She picked it up for him, and as she handed it back to him, the electricity that jolted through him as they brushed hands made him jump. "I'm Rose, by the way."

"S-Severus." He introduced himself, and she smiled warmly as she took a seat next to him. 

" _Severus_ ," She said it out slowly, the way it rolled off her tongue making the hair on his arms stand on end. "What a remarkable name."

When he did not reply, instead furiously getting back to his work, she continued. "Looks like you and I are the only ones who would much rather the peace and quiet, eh? Oh, what are you doing over there?"

Her hands brushed against his again, and his heart jumped. "I teach at Hogwarts."

Her face lit up at the mention of the school. "Oh, so does the ex-Quidditch player, you know, (y/n)! Do you know her?" 

When Severus nodded, clearly wanting to avoid the topic of you in their conversation, Rose seemed to pick up on it, and thankfully, she deviated away from it. Then, spending the rest of the hour that they had together until the meeting started, Severus, for the first time since meeting you, spoke more than two sentences to her. He never liked anyone enough to sustain such a long conversation with them, but with Rose, it almost felt like talking to Lily again. She was kind, patient, and she listened to him, really listened. It felt strange, almost like he was back in school and that he had reversed time to take back all the mean things he had done to her, almost as if he had a _second chance_ with her. Severus was taken back to a time where he was happier, where life still treated him well, where the odds were not already stacked against him.

And by the end of the night, as she informed him that her and Charlie were staying at a Muggle motel not far away from Grimmauld Place, something in him made him agree to her invitation back there. Perhaps it had been a search to end off a particularly bad day on a better note, or that he longed to have a meaningful conversation with someone else that was not with you, or simply because he wanted to _spite_ you, to worry you for a little while on where he had gone for the night and why he had not returned like he said he would. He wanted you to know how he felt. It was an ugly emotion, that he was feeling, but Severus chose to ignore it, because for once in his life, he felt like he had someone else apart from you who cared about him and what he had to say. 

Charlie Weasley was not there when they arrived, and taking off his traveling cloak and settling down in front of the television, Severus watched as the woman prepared tea for him. Then, she paused halfway, and upon checking to make sure that Charlie was not there, she offered him a bottle of Firewhisky. 

He wanted to say no, he knew that you could smell it off his breath when he returned, but the woman was smiling at him so sweetly and his mind was so riddled with the thoughts of what had happened the previous day that he could not refuse. _Whatever, it's not like she is going to care anyway, she clearly showed that off yesterday._ And so he agreed, and as Rose poured the bronze liquid into a glass for him, one glass turned into two, and two glasses turned into three. At the end of the night, Severus had more bottles on the table facing him than he could count.

"Would you like to stay the night?" The woman beside him asked, and she appeared to be even more gone than he was. Severus glanced at the clock, groaning when he saw that it was two minutes to midnight. You had to be worried sick by then, Severus could already imagine you pacing around his quarters, distractedly running your hands through his bookshelves and glancing at the clock on his bedside table every few seconds, wondering where the hell he was. But he could not find it in him to want to move. He was so comfortable where he was, and the thought of having to make the journey home to Hogwarts once more and dealing with you and the heartbreak of seeing you when he arrived did not seem the least bit appealing to him. But he had to, right? He had to go home to you. 

"I would love to, I do, but..." He trailed off, as Rose suddenly began caressing his face gently, while smiling softly at him. _She is not her, she is not Lily, get over it,_ his mind screamed at him to pull away, to let her hands feel like poison on his skin, to remind himself that no one else was supposed to caress his face like that except for you, but his heart told another story altogether. 

"But what? Stay, come on, stay with me. I haven't had a friend here for a while. Londoners are exceptionally cold, you know? And you're so nice, you're so lovely to talk to, and I wish I could spend more time with you. When you entered that room at Grimmauld Place that day, I caught myself trying to tell little Charlie that you seemed like someone I would let break my heart, and he scoffed at me. But look at me now, talking to the most magnetic man I have ever had the pleasure of meeting." She was incredibly convincing, and hearing someone talk about him in that way, someone finally paying attention to him again, filled Severus with a warm he could not remember when he last felt. 

"I am not...magnetic, and I wouldn't want to break your heart." He leaned into her touch, and he saw her shift towards him, their bodies then so close together that he could feel the heat from her body radiating towards his. 

"Sure you are, would you let me show you?" Her hands had moved to his jaw, thumbing over it fondly. 

_She's not her, she's not her, she's not her._ Though, Severus did not know which _her_ he was referring to. And between the Firewhisky flowing in his veins and his anger towards what had happened to him the previous day, the woman in front of him suddenly seemed like his salvation for everything. She wanted him, you never did, and Severus was tired of fighting for someone who was not even sure if she loved him back.

So when she leaned forward to kiss him, his lips met hers halfway.


	13. Bands And Broken Promises

17th September 1995

It was three in the morning. Severus was supposed to have returned by ten. Once again, your heart palpitated wildly against your chest at the thought of something happening to him, especially with how you left things between the both of you. If he died thinking that _you did not love him,_ that _you did not want to spend the rest of your life with him_ and that your marriage was _nothing more than a sham,_ you knew you would regret it for all eternity. 

Pacing back and forth, you felt that your mind was running at hundreds of kilometres per hour. The tears had dried on your face, and you were back to the room, _his_ room, the stack of essays disregarded and the lesson plan drafts elsewhere in your mind. There was no way you could focus on them then. The Educational Decree was on his desk, and as your eyes ran over it again and again, you suddenly thought of how much you really despised that Umbridge woman, for she had really brought out the harsh truths about yourself and the worst in between Severus and you. _She knows, she knows and all she wants to do is tear us down. What good is she going to gain from this, anyway?_

And then you let your eyes travel to the piece of parchment above the bed, and you felt your knees buckle. Running a hand over the surface, it seemed like ages ago when you sat on his lap on that very faithful night and signed your name beside his. The ink was a little smudged and his handwriting was cutely cramped and very much different from your cursive and neat one, but it still sent a stab to your heart all the same. _Stand by my husband through everything...to love him through his darkest days,_ were you honouring that vow? Because as much as you would like to have believed that that piece of parchment meant nothing and that it would not hold up in court or at a hearing whatsoever, it almost felt even more raw and real than any signed court document that could be produced. Written on a piece of old parchment, in black ink in handwriting, it could have been compared to any other piece of homework assigned to a student, but it meant everything. 

It was as if something shook you then, when you realised it. _I'm insane, aren't I? For even thinking of the possibility of not marrying him? Who else would I love as much as I love him?_ Severus had stood by you through everything, he had been with you in times where you needed him most, believed in you when you did not even believe in yourself, and could you not do this _one thing_ for him? _Merlin, he said I was the most selfish person he had ever met. I cannot do this to him. I cannot keep hurting him like this._

Taking your hand off of the parchment, you shakily inhaled a breath, before coming to a conclusion. _I have to do it. For him._

By six in the morning, he still had not returned, and although your body was desperate to give in to the clutches of sleep, you fought it off to stay awake. You needed to tell him as soon as he got home, he needed to know right away, that you were going to marry him. He needed to know just how sorry you were, and how much you appreciated him. 

And you had intended to stay up the whole night and through the next morning until he returned, but in reality, the circumstances would never allow you to do so. Because right as the clock struck half past six, the Dark Mark on your arm burned black again, and you hissed sharply at the suddenness of it all. There must have been something very important that was due to happen, because meetings would only be summoned in the night time. And the pain burned like never before too, so you had no choice but to go, if you did not want it to burn a hole through your flesh. All you could do for Severus, was leave a note then. 

_Sev,_  
_You say that I always sweep our arguments under the rug, that I loved to avoid our difficult conversations. It is true, you know me too well, and I am sorry. But this time, I am not running, and I want to apologise for what I did last night. I do want to marry you, so let's go get registered once I return, alright? Just you and me, my love.  
_ _I have an emergency meeting at the Ministry, but I will be back soon. Love you x_

When Severus finally returned at two in the afternoon that day, you were still gone. And truth be told, he could hardly remember anything from the previous night. All he knew, was that he had drank too much, and that he probably blacked out right after and fell asleep at a motel. His head was pounding, and as he walked past his desk to concoct himself a hangover potion from his private stores, he accidentally swept the note off of it. It caught his attention, and carefully, he brought it up and squinted to read it. 

He fell onto the bed a few minutes later, groaning loudly with his headache, but the note he had clutched between his fingers and the butterflies he felt in his stomach very much made up for it.

23rd September 1995

It was another weekend, and it finally gave you and Severus the time you needed to not only pick out your wedding bands, but also to go get registered at the Ministry. The both of you had a meeting with the Order in the afternoon, and Severus had convinced you to register the marriage later on in the night, and pick out your rings first. You protested, saying that you wanted to do it as soon as possible, but with a kiss to shut you up and a mention that you had the rest of your lives to be in a marriage, it placated you enough to agree to his suggestion. 

Currently, though, the both of you were at a boutique ring shop, and the wizard behind the counter was pulling out rings of every cut, shape, and size to offer you. He had apparently recognised you, because it was not hard to do so when you looked exactly like your mother, and claimed that she, too, used to frequent his shop. You smiled politely as he reminisced about how she used to give him enough business to pay rent for months at a time, and tried not to notice that he had offered you ones that were all in the highest price ranges. They were beautiful, you could not deny, but hefty price tags never seemed to be a determinant for what you liked. It was one of the few things you and your mother differed on. 

Severus stood beside you, one hand on your waist, the other on the glass display as he looked through the rings as well. You knew that he did not have a particular preference for any, and despite his feigned interest in picking one out with you, you could see right through that he was only agreeing and pointing towards the ones he knew you would like, not ones that he himself liked. But the man would do anything for you, that much he knew, and if you wanted the biggest diamonds or the shiniest gold on your rings that were worth more than he could ever afford, he would gladly buy it for you and figure out how to pay off the debts to his friend Lucius later on. 

"And how about this one, my girl? Your mother loved diamonds like these." The shopkeeper pulled out one particularly diamond-studded band, and when you politely put it down in disapproval in front of him, he responded by pulling out three more with equally as many carats. Severus would have thought the first one looked very fitting on your hands, despite the breath he had to take when he thought about how much it was going to cost.

Pulling you aside as the shopkeeper went to the back to source for more options, he quietly said, "Look, that first one really fits you. Just get it if you think it looks good, alright? Don't worry about...the price tag, you know I'll get it for you no matter what." 

You only smiled softly at him, before pressing a kiss to his cheek in assurance. While the shopkeeper was gone, however, you allowed yourself to look through the displays once more, and spotting one that had particularly caught your attention, you walked over to it. It was a simple gold band, no intricate details stood out from it and there was no rare gem on it whatsoever, but it had struck you as the one you wanted.

"Oh, no, no, no, my girl!" The shopkeeper exclaimed when you requested to try it on, "This one isn't fit for someone like you! What would your mother think, her daughter—"

"I would think my mother would not interfere in _my_ marriage, sir. Thank you very much for your consideration, but could we try on that ring, please?" 

In the end, as you walked out of that shop with the gold bands decorating yours and Severus' fingers, you could not feel more satisfied with what you had chosen. His initials and yours were engraved on the underside of the bands, and although Severus felt that the simplicity was appealing, he could not help but feel that there was some other reason that had contributed to you picking them out. 

"My love," he called out to you as you walked a little further away from the shop, "I love the rings, I do, but is there—”

"Were they a little bit under your budget, Severus?" You chuckled at the look on his face. Caressing his face in with your hands then, you looked up a little to press a kiss on his pouting lips. "I promise, that these were the ones I wanted. I know you think that you would want the best for me, the most expensive ones with the biggest diamonds and rarest gems, but trust me when I say this is enough. Besides, let's be practical here. We're going to be wearing it everyday for the rest of our lives, and the diamonds and gems wouldn't be a very economical decision to have around, would it? I don't want you breaking the bank for me on some bands of metal, and you shouldn't feel bad for doing so as well. Now, we're going to be late for the meeting, so let's go, my love." 

He intertwined his hands with yours then, feeling that your two hearts, were in one home.

When you arrived at the Order headquarters, however, you were instantly pulled away to different sides of the house as everyone seemed to be busy with everyone else. There was a lot of news and reports to be made, and you were sure had anyone chosen to stand stationary for even one moment at one spot, they would have been trampled. The house had never looked so full, and Sirius Black seemed, for once, very joyful as he weaved in and out of the company he had been craving for for weeks. He greeted you with a tight hug as he passed you, before moving onto another group and immersed himself in their discussions. The news of Sturgis Podmore had not boded well with everyone, and if possible, as lively as the conversations were, they still carried an air of seriousness and glum everyone tried to mask. 

"(y/n), can I speak to you for a minute?" Arthur Weasley caught you just before you slipped away to find Kingsley Shacklebolt for a brief moment. He had wanted to discuss something about your closeness with Lucius Malfoy, that day on Harry's hearing, as well as other Ministry reports that you and him were supposed to submit together. 

"Yes, yes. What is it, Arthur?" You stopped and tried looking out for the source of the voice, locating the ginger-haired man a little to your left. You began making your way over to him, and he was about to open his mouth to lead to you somewhere more private, when a sharp gasp to your right caught both of your attentions. 

It was the woman who looked like Lily. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked like she had not slept for days. You looked around, wondering who was the target of her dramatic reaction, but it seemed like nobody else had taken notice to her except for you and Arthur.

"Do you need any help, miss...?" You asked, still trying to source the person she was so surprised to see. And then, in two quick strides, she had walked over to you, and her hand was once again on your bandaged wrist. You winced, but when she began dragging you away without another word you shot Arthur a sympathetic glance. "I'll only be a while." 

She led you to just shy of the entrance, where it seemed quite deserted since the main action was happening in the living room. _What does she want with me?_ There was the possibility that she had suspected, or perhaps _found out_ , about you being a Death Eater, but you figured she would not have led you away if she did. She would have exposed you in front of as many people as possible. And then, when she made sure that there was no one in earshot, the woman began to break out into hard, heavy sobs. 

You had never been more confused in your entire life. _Who was this woman, and why was she crying in front of a complete stranger?_

"Are you quite alright, miss?" You did not know whether to reach out to comfort her, or to stand aside until she was done crying in front of you. She only responded with more gut-wrenching cries as she buried her face into her hands once more. So instead, you settled for awkwardly patting her shoulder, hoping someone would notice the both of you were gone to look for you soon. It was the most awkward interaction you had ever come across at Grimmauld Place. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, you must hate me so much!" Her voice cracked as she finally spoke, and upon glancing at your confused expression, she seemed to return to crying as hard as she could again. "Oh, you're so nice, and kind and pretty and you _don't deserve this_. I swear, I swear I didn't know, okay?" 

You really wanted someone to hit with you a Bludger, in hopes that it would return you a memory or something you must have forgotten you shared with her. "What are you talking about?"

She stopped for a moment, letting out soft hiccoughs. "You mean...you don't know?" 

"Miss, I really have to return to Arthur Weasley now, so please—"

But she had reached into the pocket of her robes, and pulled out something. It was a photograph. It was the very same photograph that Severus always kept with him, safely in his robes, and it was of the day the both of you were at the beach together on your honeymoon. He was kissing your cheek in the shot, while you were grinning at the camera as the wind from the sea blew on your hair and the picturesque view of the waters decorated the background. It reminded you of simpler, less confusing times. 

"Why do you have this?" You inquired, holding onto the photograph as the woman furiously tried to hold back more of her tears to talk to you properly. 

"Please, you have to understand, I didn't know he was with you, he was _married_ to you, okay?" She cast a glance towards the gold band on your finger, which was what had captured her attention earlier on. She had been meaning to tell you, to find you, after that night, but you were never at Grimmauld Place and whenever she wanted to write to Hogwarts, she was always advised against it by Charlie, followed by a round of questioning on why she had taken so much interest in you. "I...I was drunk that night, and so was he, and I was so _lonely_ , (y/n). And he was there, him with his brooding, gloomy appearance with an attitude that did not match it one bit, and his smile entranced me, and he looked just like someone who would break my heart and that I would let him. And then I invited him back to my motel after the meeting, and we got so drunk that we nearly passed out on the floor, and then—and then—" 

She let out a guttural scream, her hands clutching onto your bandaged wrist so tightly that it actually hurt for real, and you yearned to pull it away. But you could not. You could not move a single part of your body, as all throughout the duration of her explanation, you had only clutched onto the photograph tighter and tighter. You already knew where she was going with her words, but you still could not believe it. _No, no, he wouldn't do that to me. Severus would do no such thing._

But you had to hear it for yourself. "And then what? And then what happened?"

Your low, calm voice seemed to terrify her even more, if possible. She was already so afraid of you, of what you would do to her once you found out, that it had nearly stopped her from wanting to reach out to you several times. But you deserved to know, she had loved you and respected you too much as a fan over the years to not tell you. And Severus had apparently not told you, so it was her job to do so. "—And then I kissed him, and he kissed me back, and...the subsequent events were hazy, because the both of us were too far gone, but the next thing I knew, I woke up to him beside me the next day, and on the pile of discarded robes I saw _your photograph_. I never would have...I never would have done anything with him had _I known_ , (y/n). I'm not a home-wrecker, please, but I was scared. I was _so scared_ of you, you don't even know. And had I been any braver, had I been a _Wampus_ back at Ilvermony, I would have sucked up all my fears and doubts and told you right away. But I was terrified, (y/n), and so I went back to sleep, hoping as hard as I could that it was all a nightmare, that it was a mistake and I hadn't truly woken up to sleeping with a married man. And that night, he wasn't wearing his wedding band too, so I...I didn't know! I know I should've asked, but he was kind and gentle and willing to listen to whatever I had to say, that I couldn't think past that, that aspect of him. I hadn't considered the possibility that he had someone waiting for him at home, for Merlin's sake! So when I woke up again later in the afternoon and he was gone, I thought it really was nothing more than a dream, but then the photograph had been left behind on the floor near my bedside table and it all came rushing back. He had not even noticed it fell from his robes, and I...all I could think about in the following week was how the hell had I not known he had _you_!" 

You were silent for a while, thumbing the figure of him in the photograph, a small smile released from his mouth as he pressed his lips to your cheek. He looked so handsome, so carefree then, that your heart tugged when you thought of him being so happy that night, with you. You wished for everything to be able to return back to that night. But instead, all that could fill your thoughts then was the image of him kissing _her_ , kissing the Lily lookalike, the image of him sleeping with _her_ , him opening his heart up to _her_. He had fulfilled his lifelong dream of being with the love of his life, Lily, but in that dream, he had forgotten that you were there as well. In that dream, being with her and loving her, meant tearing you apart and breaking you. Because how could you compare to someone like _her?_

"You didn't see the wedding bands, because...we only got them today. We were planning on registering our marriage later, actually, but now..." You smiled softly at her, who looked even more broken than you were, and tried hard to hold your own tears back. You refused to cry, no, not here, not now. 

"Oh (y/n), I'm so sorry, I really am. If I could turn back time and—"

"Let's go back to the living room, shall we?" You were not intending to spend one more minute looking at Severus' face in that photograph. "I think the crowd's quietened down." 

"But...but aren't you going to kill me? Hex me, make me a permanent resident at St Mungo's, at least?" Her eyes carried so much fear that she did not even have to quiver in front of you for you to know how afraid she was. 

"I don't think it's your fault, anyway," Sighing, you crumpled the photograph you had in your hand and stuffed it into your robes. "You didn't do anything wrong. You thought you were sleeping with a single man, he thought he was sleeping with the love of his life, and I thought...I thought that my husband could be trusted."

Walking past her to enter the living room again, you discovered that everyone had moved off into the dining room. You were alone with her once more. When you turned back to look at her, however, she was still desperately trying to rub the tears off of her red, puffy eyes. "Come on, they've started the meeting. We're late."

She accepted your offer to walk in together, and although your face showed no sign of any emotion or feeling, you knew that your heart had died inside. But you had to put on a brave face, to show everyone that nothing had happened in the span of the few minutes that you and her were gone, and continue on with your duty for the Order first, which was of paramount importance. 

Though, as your hands latched onto the door to the dining room and pushed it open, you could not have felt your ring weigh heavier than it ever did then.


	14. Unforeseen

23rd September 1995

The moment Severus watched you walk in the door with Rose, he instantly felt his world crashing down. It was as if a very hard, very fast Bludger had hit him right in the head, as he suddenly remembered _everything that happened that night_. The way he let his lips meet hers, the way his hands travelled down her body, the way her moans sounded in his ears. He had forgotten all about it when he returned home the next day, and by the time he tried to remember, he was already swept off of his feet with the note you had left behind, agreeing to marry him once and for all, that the memories were gone from his mind altogether. It all felt so foreign, and yet, Severus seemed to only have those memories hit him _then_ , of all times. He watched in horror as you entered, your face devoid of any emotions, a stark contrast to the weeping, red-faced woman behind you. And then he thought of what he did the very next day to you, reading your note and how sorry you were and how you had agreed to marrying him for him to _stay with you_ and not leave you for someone new. _She trusted me, she had faith in me, she chose to marry me, and I...I cheated on her when she needed me most. At her worst, I failed to love and cherish her._ Severus' broken vows was all that he could think about for the next few moments, looking at your stoic face (which, was infinitely more terrifying than you coming into the room crying and threatening to throw things at him) as you settled yourself beside Molly Weasley. _I can't believe I did that to her._

"Are you okay, Rose? What happened out there, did (y/n) beat you up or something?" Mundungus Fletcher joked as everyone seemed to stare at the two last latecomers who had strolled right in. 

You chuckled, although there seemed to be no air of amusement to your laughter. "Her baby dragon died, back home in America. She was just telling me about it. Carry on, please, Arthur." 

Arthur Weasley looked warily at you, and then the woman, and he was pretty sure he was not the only person in that room that was unconvinced that you had not done anything to her to warrant for the sorrowful expression she had on. But when she smiled gratefully at you and nodded politely, he seemed to take it as a cue to carry on with whatever he was saying. He would never know what could have happened to the both of you outside the confines of those doors.

And when the man finally ended the meeting and finished all the reports he had to give to the Order, you were the first one to stand and exit the room. You were finally free, you had no more responsibilities, no constraints, and the tears could come down now. Yet, as you stormed out of there and began gathering your things to leave, the tears strangely did not appear, and you did not know if it was a very good, or very bad sign. _No matter, I'm getting out of here before him, before he even has a chance to see me._

But Severus had gotten up right after you, and as the rest got up to leave too, he found it hard to spot you through the crowd. So when he finally did, you were already at the entrance hall and ready to leave. Rushing forward to catch your hand in his, he could not say he was surprised when you yanked it back harshly, glaring at him as he stared at you. 

"(y/n), let me explain, I didn't know—"

"Get away from me, Severus." Your voice was low, scalding, and Severus winced as he tried to hold your hand once more and you threw it as far away from you as possible. "You slept with her over a week ago, and you obviously didn't think it was necessary at all to tell me. I think you knew."

"No, listen to me!" He grabbed your arms then, pulling you towards him. In response, you let your right hand wander over his Dark Mark, threatening to pierce the skin on it, which, you had learnt from a fellow Death Eater, brought about unimaginable pain. 

"Severus, you have two options. Either let go of me now and we can settle this in the privacy of our rooms at Hogwarts, or I will scream bloody murder of what you did through this entire house, telling everyone of what a _filthy little adulterer_ you are." You glared right back at him, challenging him to test you, and to his chagrin, he let you go. You pushed yourself off of the man, and without looking back, slammed the doors of Grimmauld Place as you left into the cold, autumn night.

The air was biting, harsh, as you entered a carriage led by a Thestral later on that day. How it could be so cold, you did not know, it usually never got this cold until mid-October. But as you sat on the familiar leather seats and felt the carriage shake all around you through the journey back to Hogwarts, you could not find it in you to care less about the weather. You were more concerned about the weakness in your body, because it honestly felt like your heart was no longer there. 

You cleared all your items from Severus' quarters back to yours, because no matter how painful the memories of your own room were, you could not stand one more second of sleeping in the same room as he. You would just have to suck it up and stay there until things eventually got better for you and your state of mind. Throwing every single clothing item you owned from his wardrobe to your trunk, you distinctly remembered reminding yourself that no matter how comfortable, how worn, or how memory-filled they were, should there be any sweater of his that you would keep. No matter, even if it was the old Slytherin green one that had practically become yours already had the glaring _SLYTHERIN_ words not been on there to remind you that it was originally his. 

The rare, antique books that you had spent years and hundreds of Galleons collecting and curating, and then lent Severus lay on his bookshelves, and you hurriedly picked each of them up and flipped through them to ensure that they were yours and not his before you threw them in your trunk as well. Packing seemed to be the only thing that was stopping you from self-destructing altogether and breaking down over the absurdness of it all. _This morning I was happier than I ever felt, picking up wedding bands with him, ready to devote the rest of my life to him. And then in the night, I am picking up the scraps of everything I own from the comfort of his quarters, hoping that I, too, could be swept away and locked in my own quarters, forever._ You continued swiping at the many books on the bookshelves. 

Only when you had made two round trips from his quarters back to yours to unload the items, had he returned. Unfortunately, you were busy combing through all of your old jewellery through a drawer that kept both of your most prized possessions. He had few and far between compared to you, but in there lay a few gifts from you from his birthdays that he had kept as well. And because you had been so absorbed in making sure that every single piece was accounted for so that you did not have to make another trip, you failed to notice that he had entered behind you and shut the door. 

"(y/n), what are you doing?" His voice was soft, scared of you. Whenever you got angry at him, you would often cuss him out on it or have an entire monologue telling him where he went wrong while you paced around his room, scolding him like a child even sometimes, but you had rarely ever given him the silent treatment. And you being quiet and poker-faced was a million times more terrifying than you yelling and throwing things at him. 

"Clearing my possessions from your room. What does it look like I am doing?" Your reply was curt, cutting, as you gathered the remainder of your items and swept them all into the bag you had prepared. Then, you shut the drawer as hard as you could and moved to walk past the man, not wanting to look at his pitiful face any longer. But when you tried the door, despite wordlessly saying the Unlocking Charm and trying the lock several times, it would not give in. You were shut in with him. 

Breathing, you said as calmly as you could, "Unlock the door, Severus." 

"Not until you listen to what I have to say."

"I think I have a pretty good idea of what you have to say. Now, unlock the door, Severus."

"No."

"Sev—"

"I was drunk, alright? I was drunk and angry and frustrated with you, and she was pretty and she looked _so much like Lily_ that I...I lost control. You knew it, and I knew it, that the moment she walked through those doors at Grimmauld Place that she was the exact copy of what Lily Evans looked like, I saw you. I saw your reaction when you first saw her. But I know, I know it doesn't excuse my actions at all or the fact that I failed to tell you, but _it meant nothing,_ my love, you have to believe me on that," Severus pleaded, his hands wrapped protectively around his body. 

"You don't get to call me that, anymore. You don't get to come up to me and call me your pet names for me, tell me how much you love me, threaten me that you would desert me if I did not marry you, when you were acting like the biggest hypocrite. _It meant nothing_ does not make things any better, because it just showed that your heart was never with me, Severus, it was always going to belong to _her_ , to Lily. Even if you cheated on me with her lookalike and you swore that you had not fallen for her too, it only meant that it was a clear cut case of me _not being enough for you._ Our first hurdle of difficulty, and you walk out and sleep with someone else because I was afraid of making a lifelong decision that could have costed us both our happiness in the relationship had I been uncertain. And here I was, sleepless and worried out of my mind about where you were that night or if The Dark Lord had gotten to you, thinking that it was all my fault that you walked out, that I was the _worst person alive_ for doing that to you, when you were out there sleeping with some girl who looked like your childhood crush! Once again it always brings us back to this, doesn't it? To her?"

It was heartbreaking, to hear you say that, and Severus bit back the urge to just beg you to Obliviate the both of you to avoid having this memory altogether. "But I've made it clear, I was over her. I just...I don't know, alright? In some way, she reminded me of you too. Her words, her fearlessness, her passion in talking about the things she loved, for that night I was so entranced by her that I had failed to consider that her personality was so similar to yours. And I don't think I only fell for her looks that night, her personality was...was what made me—"

"So she is the best of both worlds for you, isn't she?" You roughly wept away the tears that had formed in your eyes, refusing to let him see you in such a manner. "With Lily's looks, and my personality. Was this all just a game for you, Severus? To collect the puzzle pieces in search for the ideal woman for you? Was everything we went through for the past five years nothing for you, that you could not keep it in your pants for one night that you were mad at me, and you had to go sleep with somebody else?!"

"Look, I didn't even remember what happened that night until today, alright? That was why I failed to tell you, because I was so far gone that when I woke the next morning, no memories of it resurfaced apart from when we both first kissed! And you cannot deny that what happened the night before that was not partly your fault as well! I mean, we were married, (y/n), and you just decided that you didn't want our marriage that night! How do you think that made me feel? You were using me, throwing me away, stepping back when I stepped forward to reach out to you, it made me feel like you didn't _love_ me anymore. Unconsciously, I was searching for you in parts of her, to try to salvage whatever it was that still made up for the good parts of our relationship, because I missed you. I missed us. I missed the nights where we would fall into bed without a single argument playing over and over again in my mind and the days where I could hold onto you as my comfort and respite without worrying if another fight was going to crop up between us. I missed the good days. And I missed you so much that I tried...I tried looking for pieces of the you I fell in love with, in other people. "

Your eyes were cold, piercing into his black ones. He longed to end this once and for all, to rewind time to that night where he kissed her, and just slap the him he knew then, because seeing what it did to you nearly broke him, as well. You shook your head, an emotionless laugh emanating from you. "You searched for me in other people, instead of just coming home." 

"I didn't—"

"What about me was not enough, Severus? What part of me was so bad, so humiliating, that it made you want to cheat? Because on the journey here I made a list of reasons about the things I absolutely hated about myself to try convincing my own heart that _it was my fault_ you cheated. And I...I don't know, perhaps I had never given you enough, perhaps I had been too selfish, too arrogant, to fail to see that you too, were unhappy in this relationship. I poured out my heart for you and gave you my all, I really did, and in no other relationship of mine had I done so much for the other person that I...I..." you swallowed, the mark on your arm suddenly growing quite warm, "...I went to the ends of the earth for, to make them happy, to make sure that they were safe. So what went wrong, Severus? Exactly what had I done wrong to warrant for my _husband_ to cheat on me?" Your voice cracked at the mention of the word _husband,_ and you dug your fingernails deeper into your skin when you realised you did. Then, casting a glance down to the gold band on both of your fingers, you ripped it straight off like it had been burning through your skin. 

Walking up to Severus and pushing the ring towards his chest, you could tell that he was still formulating on what he wanted to say, and as much as you would like to deny it, the look on his face was absolutely breaking your own heart. _I still love him, so so much, but I don't know if I deserve the right to love him anymore._ "And to think I was losing you if I had not given in, when...I had already lost you to begin with, the moment you walked out that door." 

Severus knew there were no words to describe how sorry he was, how absolutely horrible he felt for making you cry and think that you were not enough, when you were everything to him. He made the one person he had ever truly loved more than life itself believe that she was not loved by him anymore. He had broken his vows first, he had let go first, he had lost control first. _And I still had the audacity to still ask her to marry me, after everything I did._ He should have known from day one that someone like him would never, ever get a happy ending with someone like you. Perhaps he really did deserve to die alone, like Sirius and James had so often reminded him. You did everything for him, and memories of you cooking for him and making sure he ate no matter how angry you were at him, memories of you washing and cutting his hair for him when his bad days resurfaced so badly that he went back to his self-destructive ways, memories of you pulling him out of the darkness of his own thoughts and helping him see the good in the world and how he too, deserved happiness in it, hit him in the worst ways possible. He had taken the one thing that loved him so dearly, the one good thing that he was sure he did not deserve but loved him nonetheless, for granted by shattering it right in front of his very eyes. 

And then you did something that nearly made him pass out. Compared to everything else he had been through that night, or for the rest of his life perhaps, nothing could prepare him for the absolute _horror_ that greeted him when you began to lift up the sleeves of your left arm. 

"You called me the most selfish person you ever had the pleasure of meeting, you say that I never do anything for you, that I _don't care about you_ or ever think of a future with you, well, perhaps that may be true in your mind. But don't you _dare_ think for a second that I had never wanted the best for you and that I wouldn’t die for you before you even stood a chance of getting hurt in this war. I love you, I always will, and I have living proof that these things will always hold true. Something...I can never take back."

Unfurling the bandages on your left arm, you winced as the Dark Mark on it burned hotter and hotter, clear from The Dark Lord's impatience that you were not appearing by his side right then. Severus did not know what you were doing, but when the last roll of bandages had come off and you thrusted your arm right under his gaze, he nearly lost control of his knees as he stumbled backwards. 

There, burned jet black and seared onto your skin, was the very same Dark Mark that he had on his own arm, one that he knew all too well what it meant already.


	15. His Fallen Angel

23rd September 1995

"(y/n)..." The Potions professor breathlessly said, still not quite believing his eyes. "...What did you do?"

"I made a deal with the devil, apparently."

"What the hell did you do?!" He yelled this time, his mind refusing to accept what was in front of him. _There is no way. There is no way that she has been roped into this...because of me._ Severus felt like his throat was closing up, as he latched onto his desk for support, his eyes transfixed onto the mark seared onto your arm, clear as day. 

"He threatened me, with your life. There was nothing else I could have done, even Dumbledore could not have saved me from this, Severus. You don't know, you never will, of just what he threatened me with had I not joined him. You weren't at the graveyard, watching Harry Potter get tortured right in front of your very eyes, watching every single other Death Eater that had remained loyal to him took to their knees in his presence, watching Cedric Diggory, James Potter, and _Lily Evans'_ ghosts appear from the end of The Dark Lord's wand because of _Priori Incantatem_ , and watching him...talk about what he was going to do with that sick, twisted smile on his face. I never stood a chance in trying to stop him from turning me into a Death Eater." 

Severus scrunched his eyes, beginning to pant in panic as he heard you explain. "You were...at the graveyard? That night? That would mean..."

"...That I have kept this secret from you for three months now, yes. And I would've kept it longer had I not..." you sighed loudly, "...Had things turned out differently. But I thought you should know, because you are leaving me for her, and I will still be stuck here, loving you until the end of time. There is no way I can reverse my mistake, and there is no way you could reverse yours too. Perhaps that was what had torn us apart, what will always tear us apart. No matter how many times we remind each other of _no more secrets_ , we will always find new things to hide from each other, won't we, Severus?" 

"I am not leaving you...for her!" He gripped the desk tighter this time, clarity finally in his eyes. _You became a Death Eater to protect him, you gave up everything for him, and he broke you in return._ Severus had done many bad things to you, but perhaps, this had been the worst thing he had ever done. 

You half-smiled, half-grimaced, it was apparent that you had given up trying to hide the fact that your heart was bleeding out in front of him. "But you will, Severus. You wouldn't want to be with a Death Eater like me, with someone as broken and as damaged as me. She...she is pure, has good in her heart, and she's awfully pretty, isn't she? Maybe I was good for you for the first few years that we were together, but clearly all the good in me has been sucked out. You staying with me will only hurt yourself even more, you know? You can leave, leave me and be happier, and I will always be watching over you with love, in silence. You know you will always have my heart, that I will love you and die for you no matter the circumstances. But I am no longer the one you should be with, it's been made very clear." 

The man in front of you suddenly looked angry. He took one step forward, and you took one step back in response. "You are wrong, you are so wrong—"

But he was cut off when you hissed in pain as the mark burned blacker than ever, causing some of the skin on your forearm to bleed then. You had to go. It was literally going to make you lose your hand if you chose to stay any longer. So looking up to him with tears in your eyes, you asked him softly, "Will you let me go?" 

"How will I know you'll come back?" He sounded fearful, and he had never looked more scared, you noticed. Watching you leave, leave to be summoned in a meeting with his greatest fear, the only thing that he never wanted to lose you to, was killing him. But at the same time, he knew of the implications it would cause if you did not obey what The Dark Lord had asked of you to do. 

Painfully, you managed, "I always do, don't I?"

25th September 1995

It had been two days. Two, very long and painful days that you were gone. Two days that Severus had known of your secret, of him not being able to tell anyone else on what was killing him from the inside, of pretending everything was fine. Minerva had asked him several times if his paleness had been attributed to you being gone to do tasks for the Ministry, and then assured him not to worry, that you would be safe, and he could not find it in his heart to tell her that she had been _very, deeply mistaken._ You were not safe in the slightest bit. 

He still had great difficulty processing everything. _You, being a Death Eater, to save him._ He thought that he had been subjected to the toughest dilemma, having to swear his loyalty to Dumbledore while building up trust within his own ranks of Death Eaters, but he realised that you, too, were suffering, only in silence. All those nights that he had complained to you about how tired he was and how rough his day had been, while you calmly threaded your fingers through his hair to comfort him and kissed him until he felt better, you never once showed any sign that you were hurting too. You never once complained to him that he had been too whiny, too weak, and only listened to him carefully, while giving him words of encouragement and ensuring him that what he was doing was enough. Even on his darkest days, you always found time to be there for him, and Severus winced knowing that perhaps, some of those days could have been your darkest too, only he was not there to comfort you and pull you away from the darkness that you did for him every single time. You were drowning, but you were still helping him stay afloat. _I called her the most selfish person I had ever met, I told her all those things I never meant, I cheated on her, while she was—_

Filled with rage for himself, he suddenly roared in anger and threw the books he had in his hands across the room, landing on a few potion bottles and crashing their glass casings. Liquids of all volumes and colours oozed out from them, but Severus could not care less. His hands flew to his hair, wanting with every fibre of his being to tear them out from their roots until they were all gone and that his pain was all gone. But as he began enclosing his fingers around them, the energy in them dissipated, and he roared once more as he frustratingly threw his head against the wall. He could not do it, he could not hurt himself no matter how much he wanted to. You would never have wanted him to. 

He was pacing around the room again, his heart thumping madly in his chest as he thought about your whereabouts. What if you had died, and your last impression of him was that he was an adulterer and an unfaithful husband, who cheated on you because he had thought that your love for him was not enough? He would really hurt himself if that held true. And it was not like he could tell Dumbledore... _wait._ Dumbledore had to know, of course, if not he would not have been so calm, so unsuspecting around you. He would not have invited you to join the Order of the Phoenix otherwise. _Unless...no, it could not be true._ You had had many opportunities to sell them out, to report on what they were doing and what was happening in the Order to The Dark Lord, you had so many chances to betray them, to give Harry up to _him_ , but you never did. _That would mean..._

Severus was interrupted by a loud crash against his door. He jumped, startled, before slamming it open to chew out the student who managed to interrupt him at this time of night. But it was no student. It was your owl, Athena. Severus had gotten to know of it all too well over the past few years, and looking down at it as it had flown down from the main castle to the dungeons (it could not have entered through a window, for the dungeons had none), and crashing itself against Severus' door, he knew that it could not have been any coincidence. But then Severus noticed one of its wings were broken, twisted at a very painful angle, and fear crept into his heart once more. Picking it up gently, it opened its beak to offer him a roll of parchment, only it was bloody and tattered and the ink had splattered over some of the writing. He opened it with quivering hands. 

The handwriting was not yours, though Severus did not know if it was a relief yet. It was in a cursive, elegant handwriting, in blue expensive ink, one that he found familiar but could not remember, but it was the words on the parchment that immediately made him run to his coat and leave the room in a hurry. Even the owl, which he had placed on his bed to let it rest, he had left behind. 

_Severus Snape,_  
_You do not know who I am, but I am writing on behalf of someone you and I know and love. I think you would know who, and you would know the Shrieking Shack is no place to die, is it? Hurry, she does not have long._

Severus did not remember the last time he had raced so fast past the castle. Suddenly, the hallways and passages he had grown to love for its mystery and ever-changing paths over the years seemed to be his worst enemy, as he bounded through the floors as fast as he could, wishing that Hogwarts could be ten times smaller. The cold air was fast filling his lungs, and even as he sped out onto the grounds and hurriedly pressed the part of the Whomping Willow to guarantee him a safe entry to the shack, he was still panicking internally. _She does not have long. She does not have long. She does not have long._

A woman was bent over your body when Severus arrived. He had exactly three seconds to look at her from the back, before she turned upon hearing his breaths and his footsteps, and because she was wearing a Death Eater mask, he could not see her face. She gave him a look-over, before her eyes ran over you one last time. Then as fast as it came, the look of recognition in her eyes on seeing Severus' face was gone, as she disapparated. Severus was left there alone with you once more. 

He tried to control his breathing, to remain as calm as possible and not to do something rash, but it was hard when you were laying in a pool of your own blood and still coughing up more from your mouth. The man rushed forward, and as he allowed himself to quickly examine you, he realised that you had two very deep cuts on your shoulder blades, almost as if the person who had done so was doing it to...give you wings. Severus knew instantly that it was _him,_ it was The Dark Lord that had used Antonin Dolohov's cutting curse, to carve those wounds on you. He had not intended to kill you right away, only to mark you further, like a fallen angel. _Severus' fallen angel._

Severus contained the anger and fear bubbling within him as he saw that your knee had been bent in such an angle that it could not have less than a few bones broken in them. _No, he had no time to react to all of this, you were bleeding out in front of his very eyes._

"(y/n), (y/n), stay with me, alright? My love, you will be just fine." Though, he did not know if he was reassuring himself or you. You were writhing in pain still, constantly fading in and out of consciousness, wishing that you would fade out once and for all. The pain was unlike anything you had ever felt before. 

Severus was about to lift you into his arms and run straight back to Hogwarts when your hand suddenly held his, your eyes pleading. "...If I die—"

"You are not going to die," Severus said firmly, but you shook your head. 

"—If I die...bring my body back...to my parents, will you? I think," you coughed, and more blood sprayed out. Severus suddenly hated the fact that you always wore white so much, it was terrifying to see you soaked in your own pool of red. "I think...they would have wanted to see me one last time...in different...circumstances." 

Severus nodded furiously, and as you smiled softly at him, he allowed his tears to finally fall, as he lifted you up, your blood drenching his own robes, and made the long journey back to the castle on his feet. 

But Severus knew that had it not been for Dumbledore, had it not been for the pure luck he thought he had that the man was by the entrance hall as he entered, he knew you would not have survived. Because the Headmaster was apparently looking at a few trophies as Severus trudged up the stairs, leaving a trail of blood behind him, when he turned and saw the two of you. Even Severus knew he was surprised, but he hid it well, and at the look on the Potions professor's face, immediately helped him bring you straight to Madam Pomfrey. 

"What happened?" Dumbledore asked, as both men watched Madam Pomfrey take a deep breath, before assessing your wounds as calmly as she could. Never had she ever had to take care of a student who had had their shoulder blades carved before, and blood marred almost every surface of every inch of skin. Then, as if sensing Severus' panic and worry, she shut both of them out of the ward, claiming that she could not focus with them around. It seemed to only amplify his concerns further, because for the first time since he first stepped foot at Hogwarts, Severus noticed that Madam Pomfrey looked _worried._

Severus was hyperventilating, and he could not focus on one thing at one time, as his eyes sped from the door of the ward, then to the Headmaster's, then to the doors again again. His chest was squeezing him so tight that he could not breathe. 

"Severus, Severus! Take deep breaths, calm down, she is okay now. You saved her—"

"I nearly killed her!" He screamed, and Madam Pomfrey shushed him so loudly that it seemed she was louder than him. " _I_ was what happened. It was _me_ who did this to her."

Dumbledore inhaled. "So she has told you, about...her Dark Mark?"

Severus nodded, and Dumbledore took it as a cue to continue. "Then I think, she may have betrayed, angered him in some way, but he still has not released his grip on her. Was there something significant that had happened between the both of you to cause for this? This has never happened ever since the night she told me." 

_He knew. Dumbledore knew that you were a Death Eater, but he never said anything._ Severus stepped back in disbelief, but the man only repeated the very same thing you told him. "She had no choice, Severus. And I promised her not to tell you."

"I am your spy! I deserved to know!" He yelled, and Madam Pomfrey yelled at him for silence for real this time. "She was my wife! I deserved to know that she—that she—"

"Severus, there is no time for this, you know this, I know this. Now, you need to tell me now what exactly it was that happened between you two that caused Voldemort to react in such a manner. Only then, can the both of us play a part in ensuring her future safety, and possibly save her from a second attack like this."

The Potions professor clenched his fists, and he considered flipping Dumbledore off and walking straight out of there, but he could not. He knew the Headmaster was right, and his feelings...his feelings had to wait. So he relented, and with great remorse, he explained everything to him. The infidelity, the arguments, you being summoned, and your owl bringing him the tipoff to where you were, and by the end of it, while Severus felt like his heart had been wrenched and abused by recounting whatever happened, Dumbledore was calm, thinking. Severus wished to know the inner workings of his mind and how he could remain so untroubled even in the face of such adversity. 

Then he finally spoke. "I suspect, Severus, that you may have just met your in-laws for the first time tonight, in the Shrieking Shack."


	16. Kooby, Part One

25th September 1995

 _That woman was her mother. That woman was—No, it cannot be. She had said that they despised her, that they would never want to have anything to do with her._ Severus found it hard to believe whatever Dumbledore had just explained to him. "She hated them...her parents. They wouldn't have been the ones to tip me off, they would have—"

"Let her die, Severus? What kind of parent would have wanted to watch their child bleed out to death right in front of them?" Dumbledore questioned. 

"But that woman...that woman she was with, she didn't save her! She didn't bring her to St Mungo's, she didn't bring her to Hogwarts or anything, she only tipped me off!"

"It was the best she could do," Severus was growing sick of everyone saying that phrase. It was clearly not the best she could do. "You would know, Severus, of what could happen to her if she was caught helping out another scorned Death Eater. And I do not think that face of hers would be very much a welcoming sight to St Mungo's as well, with many of it's patients there victims of her torture. She obviously trusted you, Severus, to save her." 

The Potions professor hated how he knew Dumbledore was right. "I obviously was not enough." 

Dumbledore sighed, before inviting him to sit. "She told me about them. If you wished to know, Severus, they were not bad people. They wanted the best for her, but sometimes our best intentions often cloud our judgement, don't they? I think she would have wanted—"

"Headmaster!" Madam Pomfrey rushed out of the wards, her eyes fixed in horror. "We have to get her to St Mungo's immediately! H-her bleeding, I don't know why it's not stopping!"

"How could that be! You are our—" Severus started, suddenly feeling very resentful that she had chosen to shut him out.

"Lord Voldemort must have modified that curse, the one you told me about. Let's go, we do not have much time, Severus," Dumbledore cut the man off before he could continue. Severus felt like he was going to throw up with nerves. "Poppy, do me a favour and inform Minerva, will you? Make sure she knows where Severus and I will be, and make sure that peculiar pink lady does not."

She nodded, and as they split ways down the hallway, Severus' long black cloak flying in the wind, he could not have thought of a worse way to end off an already very bad night.

26th September 1995

They were only allowed into the fourth floor of the hospital the very next morning, when the Healers had deemed you out of the woods. Severus had spent the whole night pacing about the whole first floor, ranting and rambling to Dumbledore on how much he regretted what he did, how much he knew it was all his fault, how he would never forgive himself if you did not survive. 

"You think she's alright...right? She won't...?" He was afraid to even utter the words out. 

"You know as much as I do, Severus. We can only wait." Severus hated how Dumbledore was still so calm through everything. Would he start to care, start to panic like Severus panicked, when you were dead? Were you that disposable to him? That unimportant? 

When he was finally invited to your ward, however, Severus nearly broke down at the sight of you in that hospital bed. Your eyes were still closed, and although Severus had seen you asleep about a million times by his side, it still felt unreal that he was witnessing you in such a state when he knew he was the very cause of landing you there. It almost looked like you were _dead_ , and the thought of it was enough for him to grip the edge of the bed harder in order not to stumble in fear in front of the Headmaster. A Healer pulled Dumbledore aside, and although Severus did not care very much on what she wanted to say, as long as you were safe, he could not help overhearing something along the lines of her asking Dumbledore if he knew he had sent in a _Death Eater._

Severus' eyes travelled to the mark on your arm, which had faded back into a lighter shade than when he first saw it that night, and something in him compelled him to shout across the room, "She's one of us! She's not...she's not a Dark wizard!"

The Healer gasped in shock, but Dumbledore pulled her aside from him to explain things, and sent Severus a warning glance. In response, he only glared back at her and moved to pick a roll of bandages out of his cloak. It was the very same roll that you had kept in his bathroom, the one you used and changed almost everyday without him knowing, and when he finally found it laying above the sink on the first day that you were gone, he knew he did not exit the bathroom for another two hours. The memory of it brought a fresh wave of pain to him, and he swallowed his tears once again as he moved to take your hand in his, and wrapped it carefully around your Dark Mark. Your hands were cold against his, and subconsciously, he held them tighter for the rest of the time that he was there, hoping his warmth would make you come around. 

Severus did not know how long he waited for. He must have spent hours in that stiff, plastic chair, apologising over and over again to you as he waited for you to wake up. He found it was easier to speak his mind when Dumbledore was not there and you were asleep, because only then, could he finally let his raw emotions out and really, truly apologise and admit to his mistakes. He regretted everything he did, and he swore that he would be sorry for the rest of his life for what he did to you, and this time, he was not afraid to let his tears fall and drop onto your intertwined hands as he held them tighter and tighter. At some point, Dumbledore advised him it was time to go, that there was no chance that you were going to wake up on that day, that he had duties to serve, but Severus refused.

"You go. I am not leaving her, no matter what. I failed her once, I am not doing it again."

"Severus, you made a deal with me. You knew what it was going to be like the moment you and her agreed to be—"

"This was not part of the deal! Her almost _dying_ was not part of the deal! No, for the first time, Headmaster, I respectfully disagree with your decision. I am staying, and that is final."

Dumbledore knew there was no use in trying to convince him further. He was concerned, but he was also fair. "I will see if Flitwick can take over for you today, then. Meanwhile, I am going to alert some of the other members of the Order, in case anyone's coming to finish the job." 

Severus had not even thought of that. 

It was only nearly seven in the evening when you managed to open your eyes groggily, the blinding white lights in the hospital ward once more burning through them. You had always despised this place. _I'm not dead._ You would have thought that after everything, after everything _he_ did to you the previous night, that you would not make it out alive. You would have thought that you would have bled out there, on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, as your mother watched the life drain out of your eyes, her being unable to do anything else to save you. And as much as you hated her, you had not wished for that sort of pain, that sort of horror and helplessness, to happen to anyone, not even her. It was incredibly lucky that your mother had put aside her pride that night and reached out to Severus, and that he had reached as quickly as he did. You were so sure that you were going to die a very painful death that night. 

Speaking of, there was a rather comforting warmth enclosing your left hand, a stark contrast to the freezing temperature that your body was exposed to, and you saw the dishevelled bundle of hair that belonged to Severus Snape laying on your stomach, while both his hands clasped tightly around your hand. He was asleep, and you fought off the urge to reach out and stroke his hair, for he looked so adorable in that manner. 

"Severus." Your throat was incredibly dry and as you coughed to clear it, the bandages around you tightened and you winced in pain. However, it was enough to wake the Potions professor up.

"You're awake," he said, his eyes quite dreary but disbelieving. "Merlin, you're awake. I-I need to call a Healer, excuse me—"

"No, no, don't call them yet. I want a moment of silence for a while, please," you begged, laying your head back onto the pillow. The pain was still ebbing but excruciating as you moved your body, your shoulders screaming in protest even when you tried to move your hands. Severus sat back down, though his eyes were still drifting to the door every few seconds in worry. When he moved to grasp your hand tighter in his, it shifted your shoulder, and you let out a soft yelp which made him instantly let go in horror. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," He stepped back, before something else took over his expression. "I always mess things up, this is all my fault. I hurt you, and I nearly killed you. I just cannot stop screwing things up—"

"Severus." You tried to get him to settle down, your head was killing you, but he would not stop. 

"—And I would never be able to take it back, take all my mistakes back. My love, you are—"

"Severus!" At this, you coughed, and the fresh wave of pain made your head fall back onto the pillow. "Can you shut up for a moment? My head is splitting open."

You had not meant to sound rude, or to cut him off halfway, but in truth your head really was hurting, badly. So when you groaned another time even after Severus had sealed his lips and stood by your bedside once more, he decided that was it, and it was time to call a Healer. _She just needed more blood replenishers, is all,_ she said as she looked over your chart, before allowing Severus a big sigh of relief. Your whole body was still nowhere healed nor recuperated, but the Healer had given you the thumbs-up for visitors, much to Severus' chagrin. So later on, that night, as Tonks, Remus and Molly and Arthur Weasley squeezed into the ward while Severus went back to Hogwarts to inform Dumbledore that you were awake, you knew it was horrible of you to feel better that the Potions professor had left you alone for a while. _You should be grateful, that he saved you. You should be grateful that he stood by your side and did not leave until you woke up, you should be grateful that he had not immediately deserted you when he got to know of your Dark Mark._ However, you had wished that for just one moment, the image of _him being with her_ could leave your mind for a while, and thankfully, the opportunity presented itself so. 

Remus took a seat on the edge of your bed while Tonks settled on the plastic chair, and the Weasleys stood by your side. Molly's eyes were bloodshot and although she claimed that it was just due to her allergies, you knew she had been bawling in her husband's arms outside. Remus, too, looked very much concerned, and you held his hand reassuringly as you tried to explain to them the best you could on what happened without sounding suspicious. 

"Merlin, we've lost Sturgis, and we almost lost you too, (y/n), I'm afraid that—" You did not let Molly finish, shaking your head as she her eyes began getting tearful once more. 

"I'll be fine, Molly. It came with the job...being in the Order. Your children are fine at Hogwarts as long as Dumbledore's in charge, and I've been looking over Percy at the Ministry. He seems to be doing quite well, even found himself a girlfriend, you know." You attempted to reassure her, but at the mention of her son again, Arthur had to rub his hand over her back gently to coax her to stop crying in front of you. But you could never think any less of her, for she was perhaps the strongest woman you had ever known. You were not even sure you would be holding up if you were her, and having to shoulder all her worries with her children...it was awful. 

Tonks looked uncomfortable too, it was clear that she did not know how to comfort the woman, and she kept shooting looks between yours and Remus' hands, unsure of what to do. "Well, in any case...we're all so glad you're alive, (y/n). Sirius wanted to come too, but, you know..."

"Tell him I said hello, and it does feel very good to be alive. Come here, Tonks, I want to see you in blue hair, I think you would look very good in it." You patted an empty spot next to you, and she jumped on the bed in relief, happy that you had managed to change the subject. 

When Severus did return with Dumbledore later on, the Weasleys had left (with the promise that they would not disclose anything that happened with their children or Harry and Hermione), and Tonks was laying on the bed beside you while Remus sat on the foot of it, laughing at something she said. Your eyes were shut, enjoying the atmosphere in the room and the painkillers that you were on, but it was rudely interrupted with Severus' throat clearing and the murderous glare he was sending Remus. The man awkwardly got off your bed then, and he would have said something to Severus, something not very nice, but Dumbledore was beside him, looking quite grim, and he decided against it. So, inviting Tonks to follow him out of the room for a while and wishing you a speedy recovery, he left you in the ward with the Headmaster and the Potions professor once more. 

"Severus told me that you wished for me to bring a Pensieve over," Dumbledore stated, bringing out the basin he had once shown you his past memories in. 

"Yes, I figured showing what happened would do more good than just telling you." You invited them over, and grabbing your wand from the bedside table, you shut your eyes once more and carefully extracted a very painful memory from your mind. Severus watched as you brought over the silvery liquid to the Pensieve Dumbledore had offered, unsure if he should even be there. But then you looked up at him, and nodding comfortingly, you encouraged him to enter your memories. He was about to shake his head, uncertain if it would cross boundaries, but you told him that he would know one way or another, and it was better that he knew then. So with much reluctance and a look from Dumbledore as if telling him _not to be foolish_ , he entered your memory of the night you left, along with you and the Headmaster. 

You started off the memory with the fight with Severus. It was when you found out about his infidelity, and when he found out about your Dark Mark. But choosing to skip over the ugly parts to the end for the Headmaster, it truly only began when Severus watched you leave, and as you stormed your way outside the Hogwarts grounds, to the Forbidden Forest, and up until it was safe to apparate to The Dark Lord's side without being seen. 

Severus then followed you into your summer home. It was the very same home that you had spent your honeymoon in, except then, everything changed. The interior was cold, dark, and very much resembled a meeting room he had grown all too familiar with. And then he watched you take a seat, on the one right next to the head of the table. A few other Death Eaters entered your home not long after, and Severus sucked in a breath as they all took off their masks except you, and he instantly recognised most of them. Lucius Malfoy sat next to you, and he was unsure if it was jealousy or rage spreading through him when he touched you and smiled fondly upon you. You paid him no mind, and commenced the meeting about the Ministry. Severus found it baffling that that very same home, had been transformed into a sort of headquarters for the Death Eaters, almost like they had tainted the space in which Severus had found joy in. And what was worse, it appeared that you were the leader of that particular group of Death Eaters, for all the others listened to you while you spoke, discussing on plans for the Ministry with rapt attention while you fed them bluffs that Dumbledore had been doing at Hogwarts at the same time. It was quite scary with how effortlessly you lied to them, and it was so believable that none of them actually bothered to question you further on it. 

Once the meeting ended, you stayed there for another day, because there was discussion that The Dark Lord would be visiting on the next meeting, and you had planned to be there to see what he had to say. That was why you had not come home. Then, you skipped more parts of the memory, before finally landing on the day. The day of the incident. You were standing at the foot of the steps of your living room, your fists clenched and your eyebrows furrowed in anger. Severus cast a look towards you and Dumbledore, but the man was still silent, while you had begun following the vision of yourself up the stairs to the bedroom you had shared with Severus back then. His mind was still reeling from the state of your living room, transformed to a Death Eater meeting room, but the two of you had nearly left him in the dust, so he had no chance but to follow. 

Up the steps, the sight that greeted him was one of you and the house-elf he had quite disliked, Kooby. You were shouting at him, and Severus went closer to hear what exactly you were saying to him. 

"Kooby! You had no right, no right! Give those items back, Kooby!" You stretched out your hand, and seeing past it to the house-elf in front of you, Severus was shocked to see that it was _his_ possessions that the house-elf was holding onto. The rings you had given him for his birthday a few years back, the golden quill you had gifted him that he treasured and could not bear to use often, and even the scarf he had gotten for himself when he was younger, as a gift for himself, but one that he valued very, very much, all these things were in the house-elf's arms, and he was about to ask you how in the hell he had gotten them and what he was planning to do with them, when you shushed him and implored him to watch. 

"Master! Kooby had no choice master! Master's parents...! Master's parents made Kooby _borrow_ these items from Master's husband! Master's parents told Kooby that unless the man...the man breaks off with Master, the man cannot have these back, Master! Kooby was also—"

"I don't care, Kooby! Those are Severus' possessions, and you _stole_ them from him! Give them back! I order you to!" You yelled in his face, and Kooby jumped back in horror at your fury. You had never gotten angry with him. 

"B-but Master..."

"Kooby!"

"But Master, Kooby listens to Master's parents! Master can no longer order Kooby, as long as Master's parents are still around! And Kooby was saying, Master, that Kooby was informed of what kind of man Master's husband is! Please, Master, he is no good for Master, Master should marry—"

But you had given him no time to finish, as you swiped the possessions away from his little hands, and although he was tiny and very underfed, the figure of yourself then was shocked that Kooby had such strength. He did not only not let go, but he made you stumble as you struggled to pull the scarf away from him. "Kooby! Let go! I have a meeting to attend, and I cannot be doing this with you right now! Give me back Severus' items, and stay out of my life!" 

Kooby's eyes had started to water, but you did not care. His intentions were good, but your parents' were not, and although you were sorry that he had to be on the receiving end of your scoldings, you wished for nothing more then than to be able to command him to betray your parents and listen to you instead. But he stood firm, and as you took out your wand as a last resort to threaten him (you really were running out of time), a pale hand appeared on your shoulder and dragged you back forcefully, causing you to fall straight on your back. Severus had been so absorbed watching the argument, that he had not even noticed anyone enter. But when he turned to see who it was that hurt you, ready to give him a piece of his mind, his voice died in his throat at the sight of The Dark Lord. 

Dumbledore seemed to have a reaction for the first time since he had entered the Pensieve. Obviously the sight of Lord Voldemort had been quite jarring to him, and to see him know you so intimately, was something that he had not expected to happen so quickly. The Dark Lord then dragged you up by the neck like a rag-doll, and Severus gritted his teeth at the sight of the hand marks already forming on your neck.

"My...my...look what we have here. My little Ravenclaw, arguing over her husband's measly possessions with a _house-elf_. Dear, you really do have a kind heart, do you? I would have just killed him, simple, fuss-free. Would you like me to do that for you?" He demonstrated with a wave of his wand, and you shook your head, Kooby cowering behind you then. 

You choked. You were about to say something, anything, to get out of the predicament of being alone with him, but then his eyes landed on your left arm, which for the first time since he had seared the Dark Mark on you, was not bandaged. It did not take him long to put two and two together. Severus saw you wince at the corner of his eye as you prepared for what was to happen to your figure next. 

The Dark Lord slammed you onto the wall, causing a few photograph frames to fall from their places and the vase by the dresser to land with a loud crash, terrifying Kooby even further. "You told him."

"My lord, I didn't mean to," you said softly, massaging your neck as you swallowed delicious breaths of air. His face twisted into one of amusement, before shaking his head. 

"Of course you meant to. You cannot lie to the most accomplished Legilimens in the world, (y/n). I see everything. How did you tell him, then? In private? In front of everyone else in the Order of the Phoenix? In front of Dumbledore, perhaps?" He moved towards you then, and in one wave of his wand and the uttering of the curse _Crucio_ , he had you screaming into the air. Severus hissed, and Dumbledore had to hold him back to remind him that there was nothing he could do. He looked at you too, but you were sitting on the bed, watching yourself under the Cruciatus Curse, _wait_ , you were not watching yourself. You were watching the house-elf, who had backed so far into the corner of the room that he was practically melting into the wall, and in your eyes, was a certain sadness. Severus wondered why the hell you were feeling sorry for a _house-elf_ , and not for yourself clearly under the mercy of The Dark Lord. 

When you failed to say anything after a few seconds, clearly withholding information from him, the man in front of you seemed to grow angrier. So with another wave of his wand, another scream tore from your throat as your knee _cracked_ , bending it at the unnatural angle Severus had saw it in at the Shrieking Shack. He cried out, looking between you and Dumbledore, frustrated that he did not seem perturbed one bit to the sight of you suffering in front of his very eyes, to you, who was still staring at the house-elf. He wanted to scream at you to _look at yourself,_ when he was interrupted with the elf finally breaking the torture you were put under momentarily. 

"It was me! Kooby informed Severus Snape of Master's Dark Mark, my lord! It was Kooby, Kooby was a bad elf and went against Master's wishes! It was all Kooby' fault sir!" 

Severus finally understood why you had been staring painfully at him the whole time, as the contorting figure of yourself on the floor then shouted, "Kooby, no!"


	17. Kooby, Part Two

26th September 1995

Severus watched as The Dark Lord's attention shifted from you, to the tiny house-elf facing him, who was standing as bravely as he could, even with his knees wobbling and his hands shaking. But then he clenched his fists, and attempted to glare at The Dark Lord himself. Momentarily stopping the Cruciatus Curse, Severus saw your body went limp against the wall as you clutched onto your knee, panting. 

"Is that so?" He stepped forward to the house-elf, whose whole body was shaking then. 

"No! Kooby, don't do this! Kooby, I forbid you to lie!" You huffed, though it fell on deaf ears as Kooby nodded once more, earning an amused grin from The Dark Lord himself. "Kooby!"

"What is this? It seems as if one of us is lying, then." The Dark Lord turned back to you, and he was about to lift his wand once more, when the door broke through, and Severus inhaled sharply at the sight of your mother, his mentor from all those years ago. Even Dumbledore, who was standing beside him, moved closer to examine her then. She really did look like you. 

"M-my lord! I heard the commotion from down below! Is there anything I can do to help?" She offered, and already, Severus knew he was not liking her one bit. As his mentor, he could accept, but as his mother-in-law, Severus' skin was crawling at the sight of her. 

The Dark Lord pointed his wand between you and the house-elf, shrugging. " _Hadriana_ , you have always been of help. It is time now, to see if your daughter is every bit as useful as she really has been. My little Ravenclaw betraying me, that wouldn't be ideal, would it? Tell me, if your house-elf here is telling the truth, admitting that he told Severus Snape of your daughter's status as a Death Eater. And choose your words carefully, will you, we may have just lost the only advantage we have over our girl."

 _Our girl._ Even the thought of The Dark Lord thinking of you as a _daughter_ , made Severus' fists clench. You did not deserve this, any of this, just to protect him. He looked over to you again, and this time, while your figure lay crumpled on the floor, the you that had fallen into the Pensieve with him was beside Kooby, patting his back gently even though he could not feel it. You looked miserable. 

The woman gulped, her eyes never leaving yours. You shook your head vehemently, apparently aware of the consequences should she answer either way, begging her to tell the truth. But then her eyes fell onto your knee, and then to the wand in the pale hands of the man in front of her, and she could not do it. She could have told the truth, she could have not lied for you to get you out of trouble, things would have turned out so differently if she did, but she could not. She knew love had and always will blind her moral compass, and she could do nothing about it, because as much as she claimed she was ashamed of you and what you had become, she could not stand to watch you die because of _Severus Snape._

"The house-elf is telling the truth."

"MOTHER!" You wanted to get up, to push yourself off of the floor to protect Kooby, whose eyes had gone so wide that it nearly filled all of the white in their abnormally large sockets, but your knee gave up on you and you crumpled to the floor once more. 

"As I have suspected. I knew my girl would never betray me. Not with Severus Snape's life on the line, she is too hopelessly in love with him to dare to disobey me." The Dark Lord approached the house-elf, and picking him up in one swipe, he ignored Kooby's cries of protest and the fear present in his voice as he thrusted him to you, landing harshly in front of your feet. "It is then that I shall see to it, that he is exterminated then. (y/n), it was you he betrayed, your position he compromised, you should be the one to do it."

Severus watched your figure's eyes widen, and then he felt your real breath behind him. You could not bear to watch what happened next, as your head then fell on his shoulder, drenching his shirt in tears. Your figure cried out, begging The Dark Lord not to kill the house-elf, going on your knees even to plead for his life and for him to see reason, that Kooby had not been the one to leak your status to Severus, but you, but The Dark Lord refused to listen, and he was growing more irritated by your refusal to _kill a pathetic little house-elf_ by the second. 

"Please, please, you cannot do this, Kooby lied! Kooby did not tell Severus, I did! Please, my lord—"

"SILENCE!" He yelled in fury, and kicked the elf aside with such force that he crashed straight into another vase, shattering it as he landed on top of it. "You are a _Death Eater_ , my girl. You refusing to kill a house-elf is the most pathetic thing I have ever seen from you. Where was this attitude when you watched Lucius Malfoy torture that Auror just last week? Or when you watched me hex Wormtail over and over again until he was at the brink of death, and then watching me bring him back only to do it all over again? Or is your empathy impartial for this elf, my girl? What has this elf done for you that has warranted for such behaviour? Should I see it from your memories, then?"

At this, you shuddered. _No, he would know. He would find out then, of what I had done to tell Severus of the truth._ You could not let it happen, so when The Dark Lord muttered softly a _Legilimens_ , you finally put your Occlumency lessons to good use, and effectively blocked memories of Severus and you out. But it was not foolproof, sadly. 

"Hm, what is this? You dare use Occlumency against _me_?" He inquired, his anger growing by the second. You swallowed, the pain flaring in your knee prohibiting you from running away right at that second, as The Dark Lord then roared in fury. "I TAUGHT YOU OCCLUMENCY! I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE YOU CAPABLE OF THIS ABILITY! AND YOU DARE TO USE IT AGAINST ME?!"

"My lord, please—"

"Silence, _Hadriana!_ " He waved his wand towards your mother, and right then, the words that had wanted to come out hung in her mouth, as she gripped her throat and revelled in the fact that she had been given the Silencing Charm. Then, in one swift motion, he waved his wand at you again, and the curse that Antonin Dolohov had mastered, the curse that he had taught Severus back then, was used upon you, as you fell forward, howling in agony as the two large wounds that Severus had seen began opening from your shoulder blades down the length of your back. Fresh blood soaked through your robes, and Severus was sure that if your mother had had her voice, the room would have been filled with her screams as she fell to her knees then, watching the scene in horror. 

"You wanted to fly, fly so far away from my clutches and my hold over your life, my girl, that you made the jump before even knowing if you had wings," The Dark Lord roared over your screams, waving his wand over and over again as the wounds only got bigger and more blood began pouring out like a river, "Well now, I am giving you the opportunity to see for yourself, if the wings you had so badly desired, were even there at all. Look at yourself, do you think you are some kind of guardian angel? For Severus? For this house-elf? For the people around you? No, you are nothing but a _Death Eater_ my girl, and if you are going to be any angel, you would be the angel of death. Take your bloody wings now, then, and fly. See if you would even make it out of this house before your wings have gone and you have bled out to death, your life ending as it is, unfulfilled, unsatisfying. All because of Severus Snape." 

Severus could not stand it any longer. Watching you suffer and bleed out right in front of him, all while knowing there was nothing he could do about it, was incredibly harrowing for him. He allowed himself to look at Dumbledore, and even he was shaking his head sadly at you, bleeding out right where you were. It was sick, and Severus wanted nothing more than to shut his eyes, and forget. Forget it all, forget what was happening, forget who all these people were, forget why he was even there. Blood had started to run to the floor right under him, and Severus hated with every fibre of his being that he knew it was yours. 

Then suddenly, as if clarity had happened, he heard the very words that were not supposed to give him comfort, but it did. _Avada-Kedavra._ Instantly, the flash of green light that had appeared from behind him nearly blinded him, but as he refocused his vision again, he had seen that it came from your mother's wand, as she had apparently figured out how to knock off the charm that was done onto her. It landed on _Kooby,_ the house-elf, and Severus had two seconds to exactly see the moment that his life faded from his eyes, as he spent his last second of his life crying out loudly for you, while you were writhing in your own agony. The Dark Lord, nearly blinded by the green as well, then turned to your mother, then to Kooby, who was lying motionless on the floor, and smiled. He instantly stopped the curse that had been cutting into your flesh, though the wounds were still left wide open for more blood to gush out.

It was then that the you that had been hiding yourself in Severus' robes then reached out for his arms, and it was only when he wrapped them around you gently, you crying softly onto the crook of his neck, did he realise why you had been paying so much attention to Kooby. His heart fell straight to his stomach at the sight of the house-elf. There was silence in the air, apart from your own ragged breaths and the soft cries Severus heard coming from you, and it seemed to stretch into eternity, until, The Dark Lord walked over to the house-elf once more, and kicked him aside again, right in front of you. 

Your eyes were unfocused, and you had no energy left to do anything but stare at the lifeless eyes that stared back at you, the absolute horror that filled you making your already very tired bones even more tired. Kooby soon drenched in the blood that had poured out from your body, and even wiggling your fingers to try reaching out to him was impossible to do. _This must be the worst punishment in the world,_ you thought, as you continued staring at his eyes. Your mother had killed Kooby, she had killed Kooby for something he had never even done, for a crime he did not even commit. And he died because of you. Perhaps...the pain that you were feeling then was justified, after all. 

"Well done. Now that is something more becoming, of a Death Eater. You...you are an angel of mercy," The Dark Lord grinned at your mother once more, before he bent down to you, and lifted your chin towards him. Severus' grip on you tightened. "Your mother saved you today, but you died tonight, my girl, when you chose to be brave. Every moment after what you have done is now borrowed. Severus Snape, Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, everyone you care about, their lives now belong to me, (y/n)." 

And then he left. As quickly as the wind came, as quickly as if nothing had happened in that room, The Dark Lord walked right out, leaving you, your mother, and the dead body of your house-elf in that room. She immediately rushed to your side, and as her fingers raced to your neck to find a pulse, she heaved a huge sigh of relief when she did. Then, sending one last look to the body of Kooby laying on the floor next to you, she put your arm over her shoulder, and shut her eyes, disapparating to the Shrieking Shack, for Severus to find you and save you from there. There was nothing else she could have done. 

But the three of you were left in that bedroom, Dumbledore standing over the body of Kooby, Severus' mind still trying to process everything that had just happened, and you, holding onto the man for dear life as you continued crying onto his shoulder.

Severus then gripped onto you harder, as he, too, swallowed his tears when he came to the terrifying truth that what he had done, the mistake he had made, led to the death of someone you loved, as well as scarring and changing yours and your mother's lives forever.

When Dumbledore brought the three of you back into reality, he stepped out for a moment to allow you and Severus some time. You could not be more grateful to him for that, for you were still crying in Severus' arms and you were not sure until when would you be strong enough to finally let go. 

Severus, on the other hand, was cherishing being able to have you with him. The thought that you almost bled out right then and there, in the bedroom where some of yours, some of _his_ happiest memories were made, with no one there to be with you when you died, was shattering his heart. If your mother had not lied, if she had not killed the house-elf, it would be your life that would be lost that night, and that made Severus' hands tremble, because one minute he had you, all of you, and the next he nearly lost you. _And to think that I broke her when I still had all of her. I took her for granted, when she did everything for me._

"My fault...it's all my fault, Sev," you said softly, and Severus responded with a kiss at the crown of your hair, shushing you gently. 

"It's not your fault, come on, (y/n), none of this is—"

"That elf lied for me, my mother lied for me, all to save my life. Kooby's blood is in my hands, Severus. I...I don't know how I can keep doing this." You wished for nothing more than for time to slow, to stop for a brief moment to let you to process and take in everything. You wished for nothing more than for life to stop moving then, to allow you for a moment to grieve and to not have to think about how things were going to be, moving forward. But time waited for no one, and that scary realisation terrified you. Everyone seemed to be moving, while you were stuck. Kooby had moved on, your mother had moved on, Dumbledore had moved on, hell, even _Severus_ had moved on, leaving you in the dust. Perhaps it was true what Umbridge said, that you did not belong anywhere. Nobody needed you like you thought they needed you. 

Even your relationship with Severus then was awkward once more. You still loved him, all of him, and although it was him that you sought for comfort in and it was him that you still trusted with your life, the basis of trust with him in itself was broken. He had severed all the trust that the two of you had spent years mending and rebuilding, and you were not sure if it could ever be the same again. His touch was burning your skin, but at the same time, it was icy, soothing. 

Pulling away sharply then, you realised, that you had no one anymore. Even Severus had someone he chose over you, someone in his moment of weakness, that he gave in to. All you had was yourself, and you were not sure if yourself was enough. That night that your mother had disapparated the both of you to the Shrieking Shack, she had not known that if you could speak, you would have told her that Severus should have been the last person to see you in that manner. It made you look weak in front of him, pitiful, for the girl that he had just cheated on nearly died because of him. And you did not want him to see you in that way, pity you in that way. But she seemed to have finally trusted him enough, or perhaps he had been her last resort, to leave you to him. 

"(y/n), I know, I know that things between us are hard now, and everything has changed, but I love you. And I'm here for you until the end. Please, please let me in, don't go through this alone," he begged, cupping your face in his hands. 

But his touch felt forbidden. "If you loved me, Severus, if you loved me like I loved you, you wouldn't have left. I'm sorry, but I'm going to need time."

"No, please, the night that you left—"

"I wasn't supposed to die, I know, but that's just how it is, Severus. And nothing has changed from the fact that you cheated on me, when I trusted you with my whole life. So go, please, if you want to have at least a sliver of a chance to salvage _this_ , _us_ , you need to go for now. I don't know when...when I'll be ready to trust you again, but what I need is time. You've always denied me time, and I'm taking it back from you now. Please, give me the time to think all of this through."

Teary-eyed and resentful then, he let you go, but not before pressing a final kiss to your forehead, for he was not sure when the next time he would be able to do that was. The details on your status of your relationship were unclear, and Severus did not want to face the reality that you had possibly broken up with him again, so he swallowed all his fears, and settled for the vague details he had then. At least, he felt like he could lie to himself, that in a perfect world, he was still your husband and you were still his wife.


	18. Reasons To Stay

6th October 1995

"Tonks, you really don't have to—" You stopped your sentence halfway, as the woman's hand brushed past the wound ever so slightly and it opened up again. Blood started trickling down from your right shoulder, and she jumped back in horror. "—Never mind. Could you call Molly, please?"

You were at Grimmauld Place again, because for some reason, Dumbledore was not convinced that you were fit to go back to work, despite being discharged from the hospital the previous day. And because your summer home was not the safest of places for you to be at currently, it was with Sirius where you would stay, until your two week ‘suspension’ from the Headmaster himself was lifted. Currently, though, Tonks was trying her hardest to help you change your bandages, and although she was very kind and a little overenthusiastic to offer to stay with you too, she could not be said to be the most meticulous. So as she ran down to get help from a visiting Molly Weasley (she offered to stay, too, but you did not want to drag her away from Arthur just to take care of you), you winced as the blood began to dry on the skin of your back. The wound was so delicate that any slight touch to the area would open it again, and to get it to stop bleeding was a whole other matter altogether. You stared at the drawer full of potions in your room, all just to stop the bleeding, among many other bottles of blood replenishers that the Healers sent you off with. Initially, they wanted to keep you there for longer, for further observation, but with daily threats to start hurting them if they tried and an overall sour mood plaguing you for each extra day that you spent there, they reluctantly agreed to discharge you anyway, provided you had someone to take care of you. Tonks eagerly volunteered. 

Molly opened the door softly as she entered. "Yes, dear?"

You looked away, absolutely sure that your face was red. You did not want it to have to come to this, and you were confident that you could change your own bandages at first, but with every turn that you tried to make and twist that your body tried to do, the wound kept reopening and soon enough, you were cleaning up more blood than you could manage and you had to call for help. You had never felt more vulnerable, asking for help for someone to take care of you, and some part of you wished that Severus was there, to be the one to wrap the bandages around your naked upper half and to be the only one that saw you in that manner. You never wanted help from anyone, especially not anyone from the Order. "C-could you...you know?"

She smiled warmly, before taking the bandages that Tonks had dropped from the bed, and began unfurling them. "Of course, dear. You don't have to be shy about this, you know? You were doing something for the Order, and you got injured, happens to the best of us. You don't know how many times I've had to patch up the other members, Tonks once..."

You zoned out halfway, stuck on the thought that she said you were _doing something for the Order_ , and you bit back the guilt that filled you then. You were doing it for Severus, not for the good of anything, not for the good of the Order. You were not a good person, a good witch, and you did not deserve to be taken care of, to be patched up and nursed back to health, by the very people you were betraying. 

Molly kept talking for the duration of her patching you up, and with each round that she made around your body, your face got redder and redder. Nobody had ever cared so much about you, nobody had bothered to give you so much and not ask for anything in return. Dumbledore never really cared much for you even as a child, he was always busy, not to mention your parents, and the closest you had to someone loving you unconditionally was Severus. Now, he was gone too. Molly was treating you like one of her own, when you knew your own mother would never have done anything she ever did. The two women were starkly different, yet, you could not believe that it was the former that was the one helping you, it was the former, the one that had no blood relation to you, that was the one caring for you. 

"Thank you, Molly," you said when she finished, and as she washed her hands from the blood on your back and helped you put on your shirt, she stayed behind when you expected her to leave. 

You raised your eyebrows in question, and she sighed. "Arthur's been meaning to talk to you. I keep telling him it's fine, it's nothing to be worried about, that you're on our side but...you know Arthur. He's determined."

"I haven't been avoiding him, though. He can talk to me anytime he wants to," you replied, already knowing where this was going. 

"That's what I said to him, too, but he still thinks it's strange...your closeness with Lucius Malfoy, and some other Death Eaters we've suspected. He wants me to talk to you about it."

You took a while to answer. "Lucius was a family friend. My parents...they took him in when the first Wizarding war started, the same way they took in Severus. But even before that, you know, the pure-bloods," _The pure-bloods apart from the Weasleys,_ "We're all so close to each other. So I knew him even longer. And he's a familiar face at the Ministry, so I appear friendly with him, but you and I know I would never associate myself with his kind, Molly. Hell, with the way my parents seemed to love those Death Eaters more than they ever loved me, that in itself was the biggest deterrent for me. I've never had a family that stuck out long enough, and I would never want them back in my life either. So, Arthur has nothing to worry about."

Her smile turned sad, and she reached out for your hand. "We're your family, (y/n). The Order of the Phoenix."

You did not know how to reply her then, and only squeezed her hand tighter. _I am utterly undeserving of all of you in here._

7th October 1995

You were sifting through your mail when Remus appeared behind you, failing to scare you due to his unconsciously very loud footsteps. 

"From Hermione, Ron, Ginny..." You placed a few on the table, before showing Remus the thickest stack in your hands. "...And all these are from Harry. I've been gone for what, barely a week?"

"Longer, actually. And Minerva's worried sick about you, I heard. But she can't possibly send you a letter now, Umbridge's checking every single owl that enters and leaves Hogwarts. She's been worrying the students as well, along with Severus. Never looked worse. Did you two get into a fight again?"

You paused, gripping the letter from Ron so hard that Remus was afraid it would crumple. "Yes."

"Figured. He hasn't sent you letters either? I would've thought—" Remus began, scanning through the letters you had, along with the observations he made over the past few days that none of the letters addressed to you had his ugly, cramped handwriting on them. He sent letters to Grimmauld Place itself, but none of them had been for you. 

But you were gone, tears filling your eyes once more, as you bounded up the stairs to your room. Remus felt like he never should have spoken at all.

Later that night, as you sat in front of the fireplace reading through your letters again, Sirius came into view, offering you a mug of steaming tea. Accepting it gratefully, you invited him to sit beside you, while he looked uneasy. You questioned him with a look, before he sighed. 

"I wrote to them, to Harry," he admitted, averting his gaze. 

Putting down the letter from Hermione, you frowned at him. "Sirius..."

"I know, I know, I'll get caught, whatever. But did you know they've formed themselves a secret Defence Against The Dark Arts group? In your absence? Or more like in Umbridge's presence," he corrected himself, and internally, you felt yourself smile. _Hermione got the clue._

"Let me guess, Harry's the teacher? And you want to see how things are?"

"And because I want to _help them_. Seriously, (y/n), you're one of the smartest witches I know, but you can't seem to pick up on this, come on, catch up!" He snapped his fingers teasingly, and you shoved him quite hard in the shoulder, even though you were grinning as well. "That's more like it, I knew you would be supportive!"

You looked away, and as he brought out a bag of Floo powder from his pocket and threw it into the fire, you considered warning him and pulling him away again, because if he got caught, it would be over for him. Especially if he got caught by Umbridge. But Sirius had been moping around like a lost puppy and he had been so miserable, especially after he saw what happened to you while you were _contributing to the Order_ , while he was stuck alone at home, unable to do anything. You would have probably felt the same if you were in his shoes, too, slowly going insane. So after telling him that he should keep it short, you sealed your lips and sat back, ready to pull him away if anything went wrong. 

He shoved his head into the fire, and on the other side, you could hear the distinct voices of Harry, Ron and Hermione calling out to him. You could already tell he was grinning. Harry began telling him about Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four, and as you listened silently behind him, you cursed under your breath at the number of things that had cropped up ever since you were gone. You wished for nothing more than for Dumbledore to let you back that instant. Umbridge was establishing free reign over Hogwarts, and like hell if you were not going to fight her against it. Sirius then explained more on the operations of the Order and how Harry was still being followed, when an idea struck him and he asked Sirius something. 

"Well, yeah, she's here with me right now. Do you want me to call her?" He suddenly turned towards you, and you shook your head. _Bad idea._ It would attract too much attention, and Sirius was not exactly being discreet. But he pouted at you, and with a _for Harry_ injected in his words, you had no choice but to sigh and join him. 

"Professor!" Harry smiled when he saw you, and as you smiled back at him, you discovered that Sirius had connected to the fire from the Gryffindor common room. 

"Hello, Harry. Doing okay?"

"Where have you been? Professor McGonagall refuses to tell us anything, and Professor Dumbledore only said that you would be away for a while, but you were at St Mungo's, weren't you? Snape said—"

" _Professor_ Snape, Harry. And I'm quite alright, I'll be back before you know it, so hold on for just a little longer," you corrected, and while Harry's mood soured at the mention of his name, he nodded anyway. After the horribly bad day he had that day, he did not need you reminding him once more that you and his most hated teacher in the school were together, something he despised very much. But he dared not say anything more, and instead asked you and Sirius if you approved of his new group. Sirius thought it was an excellent idea, and although you were wary, you were the one who planted the idea in Hermione's head after all. 

"Just, be careful, okay? Umbridge, as horrible as she is, is quite smart, and she can—"

"Oh, listen to your nagging mother, Harry, she's sounding more and more like an old lady, isn't she?" Sirius rolled his eyes beside you, and Harry laughed at your bickering as you glared at him. 

"As I was saying, Umbridge can—" But that was when you noticed it. Something was definitely off, almost as if...someone else was in the Floo network along with the both of you. An unnerving feeling crept upon the back of your neck, and you knew you had to trust your instincts. _She was here._

"Sirius!" You turned to the side right as the hand appeared from the brick wall, and Sirius' face turned into one of alarm immediately. Thankfully, you reached out in time to pull him back sharply, and as the both of you stumbled straight out of the fire, Sirius' face morphed into one of horror when a stubby, short-fingered hand appeared where his face was just at, obviously trying to grab onto something. You grabbed your wand from the table just above, and extinguishing the fire on your end hurriedly, Sirius was left in shock, his mouth agape as he watched you. 

"I..." He was at a loss of words, unbelieving that he really almost got caught had you not detected her in time. His heart was racing in his chest, though he was not sure if it was one of excitement or of fear. 

"Speak of the devil, seriously," you said, glaring back at him. "I told you so."

10th October 1995

Dumbledore visited you briefly on the day that you were supposed to leave for Hogwarts again. Sirius was deeply unhappy as he pulled Kreacher aside when the Headmaster requested to speak to you privately, and as he led you to the dining room, Sirius could be heard scolding Kreacher for trying to mess with your belongings again. 

The Headmaster nodded as you poured him a cup of tea. "Thank you, again, for showing us, showing me, that memory of yours. I understand it must have been difficult for you."

You shrugged, not wanting to revisit that particular memory ever again. If you could, you would erase it from your mind for eternity. "It was the wise thing to do." 

"And I wonder, if you could give it to me?" He asked, drawing your attention away from the steaming cup in front of you. You looked at him incredulously, and he continued. "It is important for me to have as much information against Lord Voldemort as possible, you see. It is key in winning this war, and it is key that you remain under his mercy so that I can access these type of memories. Firsthand accounts and facts are always unbelievably difficult to get of him, (y/n), you know that." 

Softly, though, you said, "Take all my memories you want, take it all, Dumbledore. But...I don't think I can do this anymore." 

You had given it a lot of thought, and although the reasons that you should stay outweighed the reasons you should quit, the biggest reason that weighed heavily on your mind on quitting was the fact that _your life did not mean anything to Severus anymore._ You dying for him would not save him, and he did not need you anymore. He had someone else, it was made very clear with his lack of letters, his lack of communication, and the fact that he had just dropped you out of thin air completely. It was what you asked of him, of course, but it was not what you wanted. Because no matter how wrong he was and how upset you were that he cheated, your heart still ached for him, always. But now that he knew, and The Dark Lord knew, you were pretty much useless. You did not understand why Dumbledore still thought you were worthy to contribute to the Order. 

"You cannot quit, (y/n). We made a deal."

"Our deal was that if I joined the Order, you would not tell Severus. But now that he knows..." _The deal was off._ "...Look, Headmaster, I'm not even sure I still have anything left to offer. The Dark Lord is probably going to kill me the next time he sees me, and if I stay here any longer, I'm only going to pose a threat to everyone in the Order. I've told you then that you need to let me go, and I'm telling you now, I'm of no use—"

"Do you wonder why Lord Voldemort did not kill you that night? When he could easily have done so?" He interjected, and you sighed, pressing your fingers to the bridge of your nose. 

"He wanted me to die a slow, painful death."

"No, he did not. He hated wasting time, it was inelegant to him. And with the mess you made, the blood you shed, it was not his style to let his followers die in that manner. No, he would have been swift, decisive. He wanted to teach you a lesson, (y/n), but ultimately, you are still needed by him. He allowed your mother to save you, to bring you to Severus, didn't he? He knew of it, and did nothing. Trust me when I say your life is not over, and that you still owe me this."

"I don't owe you anything, anymore. Won't you just let me die in peace?" You were sure you were not going to live for much longer anyway, with the way things were going. 

Instead, he took a deep breath. "If not for me, would you do it for Harry, then?" 

That got you. "Don't bring Harry Potter into this, Headmaster."

"But he is the crux of this whole operation, isn't he? He is the only one that has a fighting chance of stopping Lord Voldemort. And the boy _needs_ you, (y/n), he sees his mother in you. With you gone, it would bring more pain to him than he could ever imagine, and you've been there for him from the start, even before Sirius, even before Remus. And I know you care for him too, I've seen the way you two act around each other, and only a fool would miss the way the both of you dance around like a mother and son. Even Severus sees it, you know, he's told me." 

You stared at him unwillingly, suddenly hating him for guilt-tripping you in this manner. Of all the things he chose to make you stay for, he chose The Boy Who Lived, and it was painfully clear that he was going to be one of the few you would miss should you die in The Dark Lord's hands. So when Dumbledore slipped you a piece of parchment on what you were to do next for the Order the next time a Death Eater meeting was called, you sighed and reluctantly took it with you. 

"I have faith in you, (y/n)," he said, as you shut the door to the dining room. Sirius watched as you pocketed the rolled-up parchment, and although he knew it was wrong to be jealous that you were risking your life for the Order and that you had to always be everywhere at once, he could not help it. He was stuck, isolated, and he was watching his only company he had had for the past two weeks leave to do important stuff again, while he was stick with Kreacher until the next Order meeting. 

It was as if you could sense his disappointment before you left. "Sirius Black, promise me you won't do anything stupid anymore, like trying to communicate with Harry Potter?" 

He stared at your held-up pinky finger. "But—"

"No 'but's! I will be there, I will be at Hogwarts to look out for your godson, and I will be the one giving you updates on him whenever the Order convenes a meeting here, alright? Please, Sirius, Azkaban is not worth it for this, and I don't want to lose you, Remus doesn't want to lose you, and _Harry_ doesn't want to lose you."

He grumbled something to the likes of what Kreacher would often say, but he intertwined his pinky finger with yours anyway.


	19. Hogsmeade

10th October 1995

It was strange, how a room could bring back so many memories, so much trauma. A room was supposed to be just a room, somewhere you spent part of your day in, somewhere you entered and left without second thoughts. You had never been one to associate places with memories or experiences, so it was strange how entering your own room back at Hogwarts could bring back such _horrifying_ memories. It was so foreign to place your bag down on the dust-covered armchairs and trace your fingers over your old fireplace, looking over the Quidditch memorabilia and medals you had left on your walls. Even the photograph frames had gathered dust, with how long you had not visited your room. And although it had been nearly two years since you lost _her_ , the unborn child you never got to see, it was filling you with bitter memories all over again as you stepped into the room. You noticed your breaths were short, and the room felt incredibly suffocating, and you longed for nothing more than to return to Severus' own room, where it felt more like home than home could ever feel like, and just curl up by his side while he comforted you as you cried. _How could it take me this long, to get over her? The her that I hadn't even wanted initially, but the her that had made the biggest impact in my life._

As you leaned on your bookshelves and took in your surroundings once more later that day, you realised that you were absolutely dreading having to spend the rest of your days in your old quarters once more. Everything remained the same, yet everything had changed. 

12th October 1995

"I really don't know what's happened to her, Professor Grubbly-Plank, Professor Snape was the one who received her while I was away, and—Athena, stay still please, dear," you said, as the owl squawked in your arms when the Care of Magical Creatures teacher barely touched her right wing, nearly biting your finger off in the process. You were cradling her in your arms, presenting her in the staffroom (initially you had only wanted to show Professor Grubbly-Plank, but literally every other teacher seemed to be there too), as the woman inspected Athena's injuries.

"You know, Harry Potter's owl was injured as well, a few days ago, but I fixed Hedwig up in a matter of hours, your Athena, however, looks a little bit like Dark Magic, doesn't it? The way this wing," She lifted up the wing again, and this time the owl flapped so wildly in your arms that you had to coax her for a while to calm her down, "Refuses any treatment I offer to it. What do you think, (y/n)?"

You looked down pitifully at Athena, wishing that she could just _tell you_ who hurt her, and shook your head in puzzlement too. Minerva, however, stepped forward. "(y/n), my dear, you've only just gotten back from St Mungo's, you would do well with more rest. Leave the owl to Professor Grubbly-Plank and return to your room, would you?"

She attempted to take the owl from you, but Athena, sensing a stranger trying to touch her, activated her fight-or-flight senses, and nearly clamped its beak over Minerva's outstretched hands. You held onto her tighter in response. "No, Minerva, I'm fine, really...Athena, on the other hand, she needs—"

"Oh, that is a _beautiful_ owl you have there, Professor (l/n)!" A familiar, high-pitched voice filled the room before you could finish, and you felt yourself already getting annoyed by Umbridge's footsteps approaching you. "Shame, what happened..."

She tried touching Athena too, but this time, you were the one to glare at her and pulled the owl back safely. "Don't touch her!"

But Athena, at the very sight of her, visibly quivered in your arms, and you knew your owl well. You had spent a good portion of your life with her, and watching as the evil glint in Umbridge's eyes flashed again at the sight of the owl in front of her, it did not take a genius to put two and two together. You had heard the complaints Harry had, that perhaps the Ministry was checking their mail and how they decided to write in code from then on, and you had dismissed him at first on it, but now...

" _You!_ " You said sharply, and the woman only smiled in return. "You did this to her!"

"Awfully bright as you are, Professor (l/n), it is very harmful to be accusing someone of a thing like _this_ , isn't it?" But the way her lips lifted in that menacing smile already told everything, and everyone else in the staffroom visibly hardened their gazes at her. Severus, however, was on a whole different level of rage. _She checked the owls, she checked them before she allowed them into Hogwarts, that would mean that Athena could have gotten to me sooner had she not suffered Umbridge's wrath and gotten injured. I could have saved her sooner._

You barely saw the flash of black robes at the corner of your eye, but it had been enough to tell you that it was _him_. And if you did not stop him, you were sure Severus would have absolutely destroyed Umbridge with his fury. In the spur of the moment, you immediately jumped in his way, and he stopped just in time before his body collided with yours, his eyes seething. Umbridge jumped in response, for the look in the Potions professor's eyes had been murderous, but quickly giggled once more. "I see you have quite the trouble controlling your emotions, Professor Snape. And had it not been for your little _friend_ here, who knows what could have happened to me!" 

She merrily stalked off to the far corner of the staffroom, while Severus considered following her and hexing her until she could not leave the room at all, but your steely gaze was fixed upon him. " _Professor Snape._ "

He faltered, hearing you address him in that manner, and when he turned back to look at you and the figure of Minerva behind you, he knew that she could detect something was amiss once more. So he backed off, ready for the round of questioning he was going to receive from her later on.

26th October 1995

It was a Hogsmeade weekend. The temperature had dropped to freezing by then, and the students were more than eager to get out of the castle and frolic around in the snow for a while at the little village just outside of Hogwarts. You too, wanted a break from everything like they had, but you had no such opportunity to do so. Coincidentally, it was your shift to follow Harry around for his trip down to Hogsmeade. He had not been made aware of it, of course, so when you tailed behind at a safe distance away while him, Ron and Hermione browsed through the shops, you were quite relieved when he did not even spot you once, until Severus joined you, that is. 

You were outside Honeyduke's, watching the three perusing through the shelves while bumping shoulders with almost every other student in there, when the familiar smell of his cologne hit you. It was dizzying, how it still made you want to melt at his feet and do anything for him. You knew no one else that smelled so much like _home_ other than him. 

He approached you, and his heart squeezed when he saw your body tense. _She really hates me._ "(y/n)."

"It's not your shift today, I've got him." You nodded towards Harry, and he took a shaky breath. 

"I'm not...I'm not here for _him._ " 

"Severus, I'm really not ready, and I still cannot possibly get the image of you being with her out of my mind, so please, would you—"

"I never apologised properly. I never got to tell you how sorry I am," He steadied himself, before daring to look at your eyes again. He wanted to crumble under your gaze. "I'm sorry, and I will be sorry for the rest of my life. You never deserved this, any of this, and I miss you, so much, but I know that this is all my fault. I drove you away, when all I ever wanted was to have you by my side for the rest of my life. If any of this still counts, you are still the love of my life, and I will love you until the end of time, (y/n), this I swear. That woman, I...I've completely forgotten about her, but the mistakes I made that night will haunt me for eternity, and I will always, truly, only love you. Nobody else matters. I understand if you never want to speak to me ever again, but I want you to know, that I regret that night so deeply, and I will love you twice as hard, if not harder, if on the off chance that you forgive me. You mean everything to me, _my love._ "

You did not know why it felt like a goodbye, and you did not want it to be one. So looking anywhere else but his eyes (you were afraid the tears would betray you), your gaze settled on the robes he was wearing, and upon a look down the Twilfitt and Tatting's garment, you noticed that a part of it had been torn, almost as if someone had attacked him. 

His gaze met yours, and he shyly put it out of your sight. "Minerva found out, by the way, and you know, she wasn't too pleased with me."

You released a soft smile, realising that the tear looked very much like claw marks, and sniffled your nose. "Looks like something she would do." 

"Yeah," He replied, and as he fiddled with his robes and you continued averting your gaze from his eyes, the both of you noticed how awkward the atmosphere once more. Harry was nearly done with his purchases, and as he walked out of the shop and noticed the two of you standing there and watching him, Severus decided it was time to leave. "I should go, right?"

You quickly wiped away an escaped tear, but he had noticed it. "Yeah, maybe you should."

Severus nodded then, and as he stepped away from you and watched as Harry ran to you to show off his purchases and you ruffling his hair playfully, he could not help feeling that his heart had gotten so much heavier than before he saw the both of you. 

As you followed the trio to The Three Broomsticks, however, they decided to strike up a conversation with you, quite oblivious that you had not actually meant to spend your weekend with them, but you engaged them in one anyway. Harry spoke of Umbridge and Quidditch, and touched briefly on the topic of Sirius, before you shushed him upon realising the proximity to other wizards that you were in. 

"Let me see your hand, your scars should have—" You were interrupted when a hand laid over your shoulder, and you dropped Harry's hand that you had been holding, only to meet face to face with your mother. _What was she doing out here, in broad daylight?_

The trio, too, tensed at the sight that greeted them. The woman looked an awful lot like you, and with the way you sucked in a breath sharply and furrowed your eyebrows, they were sure that you had not been expecting to meet her either. Her eyes flashed over to Harry, and protectively, you stood in front of him to shield him from her view. Your mind was reeling at the fact that she had managed to show up undetected by the million other Aurors around the area, and the fact that she dared meet you at Hogsmeade, of all places, where she knew she was less than welcome by almost every single villager there. _Had she grown too complacent, careless?_

"You three, I want you to head to The Three Broomsticks now. Walk, don't run, and don't look back on your journey there, not even once. Harry, when you've reached, you will find Tonks at the bar near Madam Rosmerta, and tell her that _they_ are around," you said loudly to the three at the back, and Ron could be heard gripping his hold around Hermione's arm tighter. 

"Now, I don't see why—" The woman began, looking over to the boy, when you cut her off.

"Go! Now! How many times do I have to tell you this?!" 

She considered cutting them off, deviating from her purpose of meeting you, as they scurried as fast as they could to the nearby bar, but then as fast as that thought came, her eyes were back on you. She studied you for a moment, before reaching out to touch your shoulder blades, and you slapped her hands away when she tried.

"I wanted to see—"

"I am alright now, mother. But you," You began walking briskly in the other direction, and only this time did you suddenly notice the familiar faces of the Death Eaters around you. Thankfully, they had neither noticed nor recognised you because you always had your mask on in meetings, but even the sight of them sent chills down your spine. _Was Hogsmeade not even safe anymore?_ You led your mother to the stretch of road just shy near the Shrieking Shack, and continued, "You are not supposed to be here." 

"You act awfully haughty for someone who had just had their life saved by their mother a few weeks ago. You delight in wickedness, and then berate yourself for the delight."

"No, you delight. I tolerate. You killed the house-elf, mother." The scarf your mother had on looked very warm and comfortable, and you shivered as you rubbed your arms up and down your body to regain some warmth as the snow piled onto your stationary feet. 

She turned her nose. "I did it to _save you_ , you ungrateful child. Because you told Severus Snape of your status as a Death Eater, you have virtually put your life at risk, and you were going to die that night had Kooby not remembered his use in that household and protected you. You heard The Dark Lord yourself, you died that night when you chose to be brave."

"You didn't have to kill him! I didn't want him to die because of me!" 

"Then you should have thought about that before you _told_ him and rendered the advantage The Dark Lord had over you useless, (y/n). I am incredibly disappointed, though not surprised." She looked away, breathing out a puff of cold air. 

You remembered something, and you clenched your fists upon the memory. "This was your fault. You told Kooby to steal Severus' items, you told him not to give it back to me unless Severus broke up with me."

Her eyebrows lifted at the memory, before a sly smile found its way to her mouth. "Ah, yes. That had been your father's idea, actually. He was always fond of his material possessions, thought that it would bring the man away from you. What he failed to realise was, most of those items were gifts from you as well, weren't they? It had little effect on him. What I proposed was something much more clever, much more effective. Take out the root of the problems altogether, and the solution will present itself. "

"What are you implying?" Up ahead in the shops, you could see a few of the Aurors already combing through the crowds for Death Eaters, and you knew you did not have much time. "What did you do, mother?"

"I think I have _already_ done it, haven't I? I watched you, that night, as Severus brought you up to the castle and tried his best to save your life in there. It was quite cute, how hard he tried, but it only solidified my suspicions that he is _undeserving_ , my girl. You know it, I know it, that with the secret dropped and you having no stake under _him_ anymore, that he cannot do anything else. You have trapped The Dark Lord, and he was quite angry with you that night. You already know what he does to those unfaithful, those lying to him, so why do you stay? Severus is already dead, (y/n), it is only a matter of _when_ now, not _if_ , but you can still leave. You can leave and never look back on this, while I still can protect you from _him_. I am giving you a a chance to leave before he calls upon you again, because you and I know he is going to make you repent for your mistakes in the house that night. Merlin, settling down in one of our houses, near the edge of London, marrying a pure-blood, and living out the rest of your days happy, is that something so unrealistic for you, (y/n)? I only ever wanted to look out for you, you know. "

"You have quite a peculiar way of doing it then. I am sorry to disappoint you once more, but I am not leaving, mother. I owe this to more than just Severus now, and if I die in the process of bringing The Dark Lord down, then at least my death won't be in vain. Now, go, Nymphadora Tonks is coming our way, and you would do well escaping Azkaban for now. I don't need you to look out for me, _mother._ "

She gritted her teeth as sure enough, the purple-haired figure of Tonks began coming into view. Before she left, however she posed, "Are you still with him then? Are you still in love with the half-blood and staying by his side, waiting to _die_ because of him?" 

Tonks was getting closer, and as you stared determinedly at her, not answering her question, she confirmed her own answer as she shook her head in disappointment once more, before disappearing with a loud _CRACK_ in the air, leaving you with the answer you wanted to say out so well, but were afraid to. Saying it out loud would make it more real, it would make it more hurtful.

As you trudged back up to the castle later that day, you could not help thinking that you should really stop leaving it so often.


	20. The Photograph In Blood

30th October 1995

"Professor (l/n), the Headmaster wants to see you!"

"Tell him I'm busy, Professor Sprout!"

"(y/n), Dumbledore wants—"

"Later, Minerva!"

"(y/n), you don't happen to be avoiding Dumbledore, do you?"

"I _said_ , I would visit him later, Professor Flitwick, I am—"

A throat cleared behind you, and you knew that this time, you could not escape. He had come down from his office to see you once and for all. _Great, just great._ You turned around slowly, to see the towering figure of Dumbledore standing right behind Flitwick, his arms behind his back, smiling softly at you. You wished he never smiled at all. 

"You seem to be rather free at the moment, (y/n), so why not join me and Severus upstairs, in my office? It will only take a few minutes, and then you can get back to..." His eyes drifted to the stack of books you had planned on reading for the night, "...Whatever it is you were doing. Come."

He swept off without another word, and sighing and giving Flitwick a hopeless glance, you followed the Headmaster up to his office. You had been dreading this conversation for weeks, but now with Umbridge and the Ministry more vicious than ever, introducing Educational Decrees left and right, she was tethering on the edge of exposing you and Severus soon. Fortunately, or not, the both of you had spent so much time apart for the past few weeks that it became difficult for her to prove that you two were ever together at all, but you knew Dumbledore still wanted to address things, to smooth out the process. You knew the conversation was going to be awkward and very painful, to have the Headmaster acting like sort of a marriage counsellor for you and Severus, so you had been avoiding him as much as possible. Tonight, though, of all nights, he finally caught up to you. 

Severus was already waiting inside when you entered. Drumming his fingers absentmindedly on the armrest of his chair, he nearly dropped his cup of tea when he saw you. Because unlike you, he had not been hesitant to show up when Dumbledore called upon him, and secretly, he was hoping that he could see you, more of you, when Dumbledore mentioned that he was planning on meeting the both of you. So he showed up to every invitation, while you skipped every single one, and all the times he was left waiting outside of Dumbledore's office, told to stay there until you arrived so he could speak to you two together, and all the times he was left to wait for hours before giving up and returning to his room, disheartened. It was clearly quite a surprise when you finally showed. 

He stood up immediately, and you hated how you still found it adorable when he stopped to fix his hair a little, trying to look good in front of you. You fought off the urge to help him then, and sat down on the armchair next to his, while Dumbledore made his way to his desk. 

"As you both know, Umbridge has a certain Educational Decree, about...relationships in this school," He began, and while Severus took a deep breath you fiddled with the bandages on your left arm, wanting to get this over and done with quickly. "I suppose the two of you are the target _beneficiary_ of that one."

Dumbledore could be incredibly funny at times. "Beneficiary."

"For lack of better word, yes. But I am also aware that you have separated...for the time being?" He raised his eyebrows, and Severus looked at you uneasily.

"Yes." Severus did not know why he felt his heart drop when you said it aloud, but his gaze remained on you. 

"Then that makes things...rather complicated, doesn't it?" At Severus' nod, Dumbledore frowned slightly. "I cannot afford to lose more of my staff. Professor Trelawney is on probation, Hagrid is still away, and to risk both of you getting suspended...no, that would be too much. That cannot happen." 

When a long silence settled after Dumbledore made his statement, he then turned to the both of you, who were suddenly looking anywhere but at each other, and asked of your opinions. _He loves shifting responsibilities, doesn't he?_

Severus felt like it was not his place to speak, since he did ruin everything after all. So he spoke softly, almost in an inaudible whisper, "Whatever she wants."

Dumbledore turned his attention towards you, and you knew the answer, really, it was at the tip of your tongue. But it was incredibly difficult to say out loud, especially with the way Severus was looking at you then, him with his sad eyes and sadder gaze, it made you feel so guilty. _I shouldn't feel guilty for this, right? It is the right thing to do._ This was why you had been dreading this so much. 

"We should separate, once and for all. Let Umbridge know that we were never a thing, that we never dated, that we are barely even friends. Only then will she get off our backs," you said, and Severus averted his gaze then, his mouth already turning into a frown. "And we shall act as such, you know, barely friends. Right, Severus?"

He nodded along, but even Dumbledore could tell that _whatever she wants_ translated to _whatever he did not want at all._

31st October 1995

When you headed down for breakfast in the morning, you could not be surprised when you failed to see Severus at the high table. He must have been upset, considering how you told Dumbledore that the both of you should _completely erase_ your whole relationship, the past five years, together, and you knew Severus was not one to take things like that well. _I did the right thing, right?_ Once again, you doubted yourself if what you were doing for him was really what he needed. 

However, when he failed to show at lunch, and then finally at dinner as well, was when you started to grow worried. _Was he gone? To another Death Eater meeting?_ No, you would know if he was, and the fact that he showed up to his classes that day (evident from the scowls on some of the Gryffindors' faces at lunch) was evidence enough that he was still in the castle. You considered visiting him, to see if he was alright, but the threat of Umbridge catching you entering his room and drawing her own conclusions that _barely friends_ did nothing of that sorts stopped you. She had been tailing you for weeks, and it was ridiculous, really, that you felt you had to sneak around like a student around her. But there was nothing you could do, your position at the Ministry was still at stake because of her, and you could not risk it for Dumbledore. He needed the insider information. 

But your answer manifested itself in the form of Minerva McGonagall. As she got up to leave at the end of dinner, you hurriedly rushed to her side, and pulled her just out of earshot of the horrible, pink-loving witch. 

"Could you do me a favour?" You asked. 

"(y/n), when you say these words—"

"Severus hasn't shown up for any meal today. You know him, I know him, he can go days without eating...and...you know, I'm—"

She sighed, shaking her head in disbelief. "You should not still be caring this much for him, (y/n), he treated you like a—"

"Minerva, please!" You put on your best puppy dog eyes, and she glared through her tiny glasses, before hearing you out. "Please, follow me to bring food to his quarters, so that Umbridge doesn't think I'm doing it for _him_ , you know. Think of it as like a...a friend's gathering."

The woman looked around, and as her eyes fell upon the subject of your conversation, her mouth formed to a disgusted sneer. _Jackpot._ You knew of no other teacher that despised that woman as much as you and Severus did, and that was saying a lot, since she was hated by even the _ghosts_ of Hogwarts. Minerva joined you and grabbed a plate for Severus, before making your journey down to the dungeons for the night.

Arriving right outside of his room, you were just about to knock, when your mind screamed at you to stop. _No, it should not be me._ So stepping back for a bit, you steadied yourself, before turning to a wary-looking Minerva once more. "You do it, please. I don't think he would open the door if he knows it's me."

"(y/n), Severus _loves_ you, he wouldn't reject you."

"No, I...I really hurt his feelings last night. Trust me on this, Minerva." 

She rolled her eyes, before knocking on his door. No response. She knocked a second time, but when the both of you waited for a few seconds to complete silence again, was when you started to grow worried. Unconsciously digging your nails into your skin, you hesitated when Minerva began to call out his name. "Severus, I know you're in there, your fireplace is on!"

Then, a soft voice called out. "Go away, Minerva. I know she put you up to this." 

You had never shook your head more vehemently than when Minerva faced you, conveying to her that under no circumstances should she mention your name. "Severus, she's not here, but she will be if you don't open this door right this second! I will call her down here!" 

Still no response. Minerva was growing frustrated, and she was intending to leave, reminding you that he was _just fine_ and he could go to the kitchens and feed himself anytime he wanted to, reminding you that you did not need to take care of him anymore, that he was no longer your responsibility, but you knew better. And if the past five years had taught you anything, it was how well you knew the man behind the door. 

" _Alohomora!_ " You pointed your wand towards the door, and as it clicked open, Minerva was shaking her head again out of the corner of your eye. 

You did not know what you expected, really. You knew Severus was prone to self-destructing, and you had been there for him on every single occasion that he did ever since you got together, and although some of these self-destructive nights were so bad that he sometimes ended up hurting himself, or even on rarer occasions, hurting you, it would all be over within a night when you could coax him to calm down and bring him out of the darkness that he found himself in. But apparently, tonight of all nights, you should have known it would hit him hardest. The past years, Halloween had always been nights where significant events happened between the both of you, and you berated yourself for not guessing it sooner. 

Because as you stared at him slumped over his armchair, a razor by his hands and blood trickling down from his arm, you were absolutely sure that the feeling pressing down like a heavy weight onto your chest was going to be the death of you. He had attempted to carve out the Dark Mark from his arm. 

You gave yourself a split second to notice that his hair was hiding his face, that his skin was unnaturally pale, and that the red in the carpet underneath him was too dark to be from a potion ingredient he had simply spilled, before you dropped whatever you were holding in your hands and rushed to his side. His eyes were glassy and he looked dazed, and from even the distance you were at you could smell the alcohol in his breath. He reeked, and if not for Minerva gasping sharply behind, you would not have realised that you were not alone with him in that room. 

"Severus! Severus!" You tried shaking him awake, but he only let the razor in his hands slip from his fingers and drop to the carpet with a soft thud. It was clear he was in no headspace to speak properly anymore. The carpet was soaked, and you tried to control your uneven breaths as you looked down, before yelling at Minerva to get Madam Pomfrey for blood replenishers. Thankfully, she wasted no time in doing so. 

The skin on his left arm was completely marred, and as you hurriedly took out the handkerchief you had in your pocket to try to stop the bleeding, you let your eyes travel to the photograph of him and you that you always kept in there as well, which had fallen onto the carpet and had begun soaking all the blood on there. Severus looked down upon it too, but as you pressed the piece of fabric harder into his wound, it was as if something snapped within him.

In a second, he had pinned you against the wall forcefully, and your eyes widened in fear when his right hand found itself lodged around your neck, strangling you. He looked deranged then, as he growled and with a sudden strength, began squeezing. "Sev—erus!"

Your hands flew over his own, and you tried pulling them away, pulling him away, but he had a death grip on you, and you knew you were turning purple. But then he spoke, and it was as if nothing mattered anymore, not even death. "You killed our daughter, the daughter we made this night, two years ago. Then you lied to me, about Lupin, about you being a Death Eater, about wanting to _marry me_ , and about everything else! This is all your fault!"

He was drunk, and his words were slurring, but it still hit you all the same. "Severus, let...me...go!"

Minerva was not coming back anytime soon, and dark spots had begun dancing in front of your eyes. "You killed her! You killed Alana, the one thing I had grown to love, and you lie! You lie about everything, and you _broke_ me, now you are saying that _we were nothing_?! How dare you!"

You were left with no choice. He was not seeing reason, and there was no other spell that you could perform perfectly, wordlessly, without a wand. Your wand had rolled out of your reach when you dropped it to tend to him, and a second longer that he spent squeezing your neck, you knew that you would not survive. So silently begging for his forgiveness, you muttered _Crucio_ in your head.

He fell back with a loud scream tearing through the air, filling the room with his cries as he landed on the floor, pain enveloping his whole body. When he dropped you and you slumped onto the floor, then, you immediately lifted the curse, panting loudly. _He lost so much blood, how the hell did he have that much strength?_ But another thought filled your brain then. _Merlin, I used the Cruciatus Curse on him, to get him off of me._ It felt like you were becoming something you could not even recognise yourself. 

You looked to him in fear, as he gripped his arm with your handkerchief tied around it, and looked up at you again. Only this time, his eyes were filled with tears. "You broke me, you know?"

His voice was so soft, so fragile, that your heart ached even though every fibre of your being was telling you to get as far away from him as possible before he tried killing you again. _He is drunk, he doesn't mean any of this._ In the split second that he had been under the curse, he had changed his whole demeanour, and that terrified you more than you could say. 

"Severus..." You began, but the door was opened once more, and as Minerva strolled in with Madam Pomfrey behind, she stopped in her tracks as she saw the scene. You clearly had Severus' hand marks around your neck, while Severus did not appear to have any injuries on him aside from his bleeding arm, so it was natural when her apprehensions rose again and her eyes twisted in fury at him. 

You were quicker than her, however, because as she reached his side and began lifting her foot to kick him, you pulled her away in time before her shoe landed on his face. "Minerva, no!"

"Let me go! Let me go and give him what he deserves! He strangled you, didn't he? What the hell was he—" She struggled against your hold. Minerva was a surprisingly very strong witch for her age and size. 

"Minerva, please! Please, let me handle this!" You opened your hand for the bottles of blood replenishers in Madam Pomfrey's arms, and she reluctantly handed them over to you. "Minerva, Madam Pomfrey, thank you, but _I've got this._ "

"Like hell you do! Severus, what the hell were you doing?!" She screamed in response, and Severus stumbled away from her then, wincing at her loud volume. 

"Minerva, I need you to do me a second favour for tonight," You began walking her and Madam Pomfrey to the door, and while Minerva did not notice it, Madam Pomfrey sure did as she stepped out. "Leave me and Severus alone, I'm begging you."

"And let him _kill you?_ "

"I know him, this isn't him. He is drunk, and angry and having a very, very bad night. Please leave us be."

The woman refused to listen, but you had already reached the door, and muttering another apology to her, you shut it wordlessly, before muttering _Colloportus_ and locking her out for good. She began furiously trying the locks, banging against the door, but if there was anything The Dark Lord had done that was useful for you, was the insane numerous methods and spells of Dark Magic that he taught you, including a modified locking charm that could only be opened by the caster. So even with her _Alohomoras_ , it proved futile. 

"I'm sorry, Minerva. I'll be fine, and I'll see you tomorrow morning, alright?"

Ignoring her protests and then turning around, you heaved a sigh of relief, which was very short-lived because Severus was already crawling hastily to the wand on his coffee table. You set out towards it, and as your hands both enclosed around it together, your standing position gave you an advantage as you pushed him off of you, bringing the wand with you. He hissed in pain as his arm scraped the floor, while you kept the wand safely in your own robes. 

"Severus, look at me, come on, look at me," you said as you grabbed the blood replenishers, debating on whether or not it was safe trying to touch him again. His eyes were unfocused, and he was looking past you to something on the floor. You followed his line of vision, and your heart dropped at the sight of the bloodstained photograph of the both of you. It seemed to be the only thing he was focusing on, so you picked it up gingerly, and offered it to him. He took it from your hands, and a soft smile found its way to his face again. "You look very pretty here."

You dropped down to your knees, and facing his figure that was propped up against the wall, you hesitantly touched his face. To your surprise, he did not attack, still staring at the photograph. Then, you allowed yourself to move closer, and bringing the blood replenisher to his lips, you tipped it carefully to let him drink, all while your other hand held behind his neck to ensure that he would not choke. Severus complied, and for the first time that night, as the colour began returning to his very pale skin, you allowed yourself to breathe again. 

Finishing one bottle, you moved on to the next, taking your opportunity for as long as it lasted while he was distracted with the photograph in his hands, and by the time you were done, he was still smiling fondly at the two of you on it, as if it was the most captivating thing in the world to him. Sighing, you swept up the bottles to the top of the fireplace so that it was out of his reach in case he tried hurting himself, or you, before you took to your knees again. 

"Severus," He ignored you, so you continued, hoping your words got to him anyway. "I'm going to run a hot bath for you, okay? Let's get you cleaned up before I can stitch up your wound."

He said nothing, but as you tried to take the photograph from him to get him to stand, his strength suddenly returned and before you knew it, he was above you once more, glaring menacingly at you as he lifted your head and slammed it down onto the floor with a loud bang. Pain exploded through your head, and although you were quite sure he had literally cracked your skull, this time, you knew better, and instantly held his wrists before he could do it again. The pounding in your head was excruciating, but you managed, "Okay, okay, you can keep the photograph, just...let's go take a bath, okay? You can bring it with you, I won't try to take it from you anymore, but you have to let me go, okay, Severus? I'm here, and I'm going to _take care_ of you." 

Stuffing the photograph back in his hands, he relented, and got off of you. Standing up shakily next to him, you set out to begin preparing the bath, pouring his favourite liquid soap to form the bubbles he loved, and adding the salts you often used that he grew to like too, before returning to him. Severus stared at you as you brought him to the bathroom, and you tentatively unbuttoned one of the buttons on his robes. He allowed you to do so. Nodding encouragingly at him, you began undressing him, until he was stark naked in front of you and a blush had crept onto his cheeks. Pretending not to notice the fresh, new scars that littered his body from his own Death Eater missions, you tested the water temperature in the bathtub, before you smiled assuringly at him to enter. 

The Potions professor sighed in the warmth of the water, and you brought a stool beside the bathtub to help bathe him. "Severus, dip your hair in the water a little for me please."

He looked back at you, before shaking his head. 

"Please, _my love_ , I promise you'll be fine, look," You enclosed your hand around the one which was holding the photograph, prompting him to grip it tighter. "You can still hold on to this, just dip your head in for a few seconds, that's it. I'll still be here when you resurface."

He was unsure, but you were patient. And after a few seconds, he nodded, before submerging himself into the water for a bit, resurfacing with his hair wet. 

"There you go," you said, as you began squeezing the bottle of shampoo onto your hands and lathering them into his hair. "I'm proud of you." 

"Only because you called me _'my love'_ again," he replied, and you ignored the way your heart tugged painfully at his drunk revelation.


	21. Stay

31st October 1995

Severus sighed into the comfort and relief your hands brought as you threaded them in his hair, lathering the shampoo that he loved onto it. He never quite enjoyed baths, something about the long silences it left him with, sitting in tepid water that exposed the gnarly parts of himself he loathed, and the fact that he could not feel more _alone and vulnerable_ in there than anywhere else, it just did not appeal to him. At least, he never enjoyed baths until you came into his life, and with the way you introduced him to warm, bubble baths and he comfort they could actually bring him, baths quickly became one of his favourite things in the world. 

Currently, though, he was still holding onto the photograph of your honeymoon in his hands, while you sat behind him, swallowing your apprehension and just trying to focus on making him feel good. When you were finished with his hair, you moved a sponge down his body, as you began washing his back and then downwards. He said nothing, he did nothing, and you silently thanked him for it as he continued staring at the photograph while you moved the sponge all over his body. As you got to his injured arm, the one holding up the photograph and above the water, you hesitated. 

" _My love_ , could you move the photograph to your other hand, and let me clean this one for you?" He did not seem to think much of it, until he tossed the photograph to his right hand and you gently lowered his left to the water, where he screamed and thrashed around in pain. 

"No, no! It's okay, you're okay, it stings, I know, but we have to clean it first, alright?" You tried holding onto him, but he was thrashing so wildly about that water had started to splash out of the tub and onto your robes. "Severus, _please_."

The man looked so fragile, so vulnerable, that you felt _horrible_ for asking him to lower his hand into the water again. But you had to, or the wound could cause an infection. So casting a spell to alleviate the pain a little, you coaxed him to lower his arm into the water again, and you held it still for a few seconds while he thrashed about, before pulling it straight out. 

"There, all done. We're all done!" You smiled encouragingly at him, and moving to grab a towel from his laundry rack, he allowed you to dry him off as he got out of the bath. Then, as you pulled out his favourite sweater and sleeping pants to dress him, he stepped into them too, before staring at you as you began cleaning up his room. Empty Firewhisky bottles littered the floor, some even with their bodies smashed, and you wordlessly cleaned them up, while disposing of the razor along with the blood-soaked carpet under his armchairs. You reminded yourself to get him a new one the next time you visited Diagon Alley. Then, lighting a candle that always seemed to comfort Severus on his toughest days, you made the final sweep around the room to ensure that it was back to its spick and span appearance once more, before grabbing a first aid kit and heading towards him. 

"Have a seat, _my love._ " He sat down beside you on his bed, as you took his arm in your hands, and began suturing. It reminded you of a familiar scenario, in your first year, before you got together with him, and the nostalgic thought nearly made you cry. He winced as you began threading the needle into his skin, but said nothing, only gripping the photograph tighter and tighter. You wondered if it meant much more to him than it did to you, considering he was the one who dropped his onto the floor of some motel first, on the night where he had forgotten you and slept with someone else. Was it just him trying to hold on to the good parts of you, like he so desperately craved recently?

Sadly, the Dark Mark he tried so hard to get rid of, he tried so hard to erase from his life, did not disappear. He wanted a reminder of his past life, of his present and his future under The Dark Lord no longer, and the scar on his left arm only made him feel worse about everything he had done and everything he had gone through every single time he glanced down at it. It reminded him of you, too, and how much you had sacrificed for him, and that perhaps, was the final straw before he grabbed his shaving razor that night, and tried to carve it out, to get it out of his system and get rid of it for real. Granted, he was under the influence of alcohol and he was no longer thinking clearly, but he still felt so disappointed when you began stitching him back up and seeing the Dark Mark coming together once more. He failed to get rid of it. 

Severus watched while you worked, carefully avoiding his tender skin and constantly reassuring him that _he would be fine_ , that _you were going to be done soon_ , and before he knew it, you were really done, the sutures done perfectly. He stared down at it, and you did not know if it was any consolation, but you grabbed a roll of bandages and wrapped it around his Dark Mark anyway. At least, he would not be able to look at it for a while, to remind himself that he was not _one of them_ for a while, because Merlin knows that was why you had yours wrapped up too.

The food Minerva had left on his desk had gone cold, but as you settled in front of him on his bed and began scooping it into a spoon and feeding it to his lips, Severus could not care less about it. He was hungry, and although he refused to admit it, food always tasted so much better if you were the one feeding it to him. So he took the opportunity to relish in it for a while, as you worriedly checked his temperature while you fed him, ensuring that he was not ill or down with a fever. Luckily, he was fine, and you were more than glad when he agreed to eat a bit before you would convince him to rest for the night. His eyes looked exhausted, and judging from the Severus you knew, it was not hard to assume that he probably had stayed up all night the previous night. 

So when his head hit the pillow and you moved to wash the plate in the sink, he watched you again. Then, when you returned to put an extra blanket over his freezing body, his hand caught yours, and his eyes looked up to you pleadingly. 

"Stay."

"Severus, I can't," you admitted, reaching down to softly run your hands over his face. 

"No, please, stay, I don't...I don't know how to sleep without you." His voice was so heartbreaking, so raw and vulnerable, that you scolded yourself for listening to him, and sat down on the bed anyway. Apparently, it was not enough for him, and he pushed you down until you were laying beside him, your face so close to his that he could feel the comfort of your breathing on his cheeks. 

_This is wrong. This is so wrong, and I need to get away._ But you never could say no to the man, even when your entire being was screaming at you to. So you stayed, and you were planning to leave, really, after he fell asleep, but as his breaths evened and his grip around your waist loosened, you could not find it in your heart to do so. The sight of him waking up alone again, of you leaving him in the night, of you breaking your unspoken promise to sleep beside him, would absolutely _crush_ him, and he had been through a lot for the night already. _And this was all my fault anyway, wasn't it? He said so himself, and a drunk mind speaks a sober heart._

So for the rest of the night, and for the first time in weeks, you slept with him again, in his bed, in his room, and you hated how you slept so soundly and without a single nightmare for the first time in a while that night.

1st November 1995

Warm, pale hands found their way to cold, tanned skin the next morning. As the temperature dropped even lower in the dungeons, Severus nuzzled his face against the pillow when he opened his eyes drearily. _You stayed._ He let his hands roam over the exposed part of your skin, where your shirt had rolled up in the night, and he felt his breath get taken away as he remembered the events that occurred the night before. It came like bits and pieces to him, flashes here and there, but it was enough to remind him that in what was perhaps his darkest night yesterday, you stayed. You stayed to take care of him, you stayed to clean him up, and you stayed to patch him up after his self-destructive episode once again. It made him want to kiss you in gratitude, over and over again. So to distract himself from his very intrusive thoughts then, Severus let his eyes travel to your peaceful sleeping figure, until they landed on your neck, and the sight of fading hand marks on it made his touch falter. 

He gently shook you awake, and you groaned. Attempting to throw his hand off, you wanted to stay like that for just a little longer, in the comfort and warmth of his bed, but he was persistent. And when you finally opened your eyes to see him with you once again, you were reminded what had happened the previous night too. 

The man traced his fingers along your neck, and silently asked you what happened. _He must not remember._ Was it worth it to tell him at all? 

"You...were very drunk last night," you simply stated, but he was unconvinced. "You lost control for a little bit, and..."

"...And what?" _Merlin, he really does not remember._

"And you tried strangling me." At this, though, he instantly jumped back away from you, horrified, but you moved towards him, preventing the hands that flew to his hair from trying to rip his roots out. "Severus! Severus, it's okay, you're okay now, and _I'm okay._ Don't hurt yourself, please." 

"Did I say anything? On top of that?" His voice was laced with worry. 

You cringed, wanting to look away to not have to recount what he said back to him, but you knew he would keep pestering you until you did. When he prompted again, you said softly, "You said it was my fault, everything was my fault. That I killed our daughter, and I lied to you, about Remus, about being a _Death Eater_ , and about wanting to marry you. You said I broke you." 

He gave out a strangled cry, and his hands struggled against yours to free themselves so that he could hurt himself, but you were determined. "Severus, no! Don't do this!" 

"How could I say that! How could you let me say that to you?! And _Merlin_ , how could you stay even after I said all that to you?" He let a stray tear escape his eyes, and you fought off the urge to wipe it away as you held his wrists above him once more. "You know I never meant any of that, right? You know I don't blame you for... _her_ , that I know you mean well and—and that none of this is your fault, right?"

You smiled reassuringly at him, because even if you did not believe it yourself, even if the words had cut so deeply into you the previous night that you were already sure it was ingrained into your brain, you did not want him to feel the way he did for speaking his truth. "Of course."

"You never broke me, my love, you are the one who put me back together."

"I know, I know, Severus," You softly released his hands, trusting him enough that he would not hurt himself then. "It's all over now, isn't it? Come on, let's go for breakfast, you haven't eaten a proper meal at all yesterday."

You attempted to steer the conversation away, and although he noticed, he let you anyway. His own mind was still struggling to process the events of the night before, and it was _killing him_ internally when he thought hard and recounted all that he said to you. The fact that you still stayed by him, that you did not leave him to die or get himself in a worser state, was even more heart-wrenching to him, as he stared at the meticulously bandaged area on his left arm, which was already starting to hurt less and less thanks to you. 

2nd November 1995

"Minerva, you cannot ignore me forever!" You called out to the Gryffindor Head of House, while she briskly walked as far away from you as possible. "Please, Minerva, talk to me!"

She stopped abruptly in the long corridor, and you nearly bumped right into her with how fast your feet were carrying you. Then, as she turned around and glared at you, you suddenly wished you had not spoken at all. Her eyes were pointing daggers. "So _now_ you wish to talk to me?"

"Minerva, please—"

"The fact is, (y/n), you excused all of Severus' toxic behaviours that night and chose to—"

"He was not himself that night! He was bleeding out from his left arm, and had I not stepped in, it would have gotten infected, or worse!" You defended, but she continued her glaring. 

"He could take care of himself perfectly fine. He is one of the most powerful wizards in our world, and that was _not_ an attempted suicide. If he wanted to, he knew how to, and he _would have done it perfectly._ Severus wanted your attention, (y/n), and you fell right into his trap." 

You stepped back, your mouth parting in surprise. "How could you..."

"Remember that I have known him far longer than you have, my girl, and he's been like this before. "

"NO! No, you have no right, no right at all, Minerva, to accuse him of such things!" You clenched your fists in fury, ready to refute her argument because _how could she think of such accusations_ , when a particularly annoying _hem hem_ interrupted you. This time, you and her turned around together, only to see that Umbridge was holding Harry by the collar of his Quidditch robes, while he desperately tried to get her off of him. 

"I believe he was looking for you, _Professor (l/n)?_ " She looked towards you, and the knowing glance in her eyes told you all you needed to know that she had overheard a part of your conversation with Minerva. 

Harry was gripping onto his Firebolt tightly, before he explained, "I wanted to see if she was going to come watch the Gryffindor versus Slytherin match, is all! Get away from me!"

"Harry..." You drawled, warning him of his tone. He glanced towards you, before shutting his mouth momentarily.

Umbridge continued, "And why _her_ in particular, Potter? Is there something between the both of you want to tell me too, Professor (l/n)? Or was your _friendship_ with Professor Snape—"

"I told him to come look for me in my office for his detention, Professor Umbridge. Unfortunately, Professor McGonagall had whisked me away, and I forgot to inform him. Come, Harry." You held out your hand invitingly, and with another sickening smile and look down his way, she roughly let him go, and you knew he was considering stuffing his Firebolt up her face as he stalked away from her. When he got to your side, you immediately put your hand on his shoulder and shoved him out of her view. 

"Detention, is it? I suppose—"

"We better get going, then, Professor (l/n)." This time, Minerva was the one to step in and save you, and you were grateful for the temporary alliance the both of you had decided to form, putting aside your argument for a while. "Get Potter to his match, and to your detentions straight after."

With her hand on his shoulder too, you and Minerva hurriedly walked him away from the woman, who watched as you brought him down to the Quidditch pitch. 

"What the hell were you thinking, looking for me?!" 

"That was ridiculous, Potter, you put both you and Professor (l/n) at risk!"

You and Minerva said at the same time when Umbridge was out of earshot, and Harry winced as his two professors began scolding him for his recklessness. 

"You promised me the other day, that you would be there at my match! And when I went to check the spectator seats, you weren't there at all!" He roared, glaring up at you as if everything was _your fault._ To him, it was. "I went to find you in your office, but Umbridge was snooping around the dungeons, trying both you and Snape's locks for some reason, and she got me!"

You and Minerva exchanged looks. _She's trying to find scraps of our relationship to expose._ "Trying our locks?"

"I was going to ask her what the hell she was doing too, but then Snape came out, and he yelled at her before I could. But that nasty wench dragged me off as an excuse to escape him, and now I've got more detentions with her, for _snooping around_ the dungeons."

Casting a glance towards his hand, you felt your anger rise when the scars there were still prominent. Minerva did not know why you suddenly looked more furious than you were at her previously, but Harry pleaded for you not to tell her. You were reluctant, but you honoured his wishes.

Parting ways with Harry at the Quidditch pitch then, Minerva consciously sat at the other end of the spectators' seats too, which was as far away from you as possible. Sighing, you were left with no choice but to take a seat beside Dumbledore above, watching her from afar. At times, you really did hate the stubbornness of some Gryffindors. 

Halfway through the match, though, and along the second chorus of _Weasley is our King_ , your disdain for the woman shifted towards the Slytherins. Watching Draco Malfoy and Harry zoom around the stadium in search for the Snitch, you could not help but feel that Severus should have taught his House better; for all the good Slytherins were only adults then, never students. But then in the blink of an eye, _Harry_ had caught the Snitch, and even though the events of the day earlier must have been sort of distracting for him, you had no doubt in your heart that he could beat Malfoy any day that he wanted to. 

You made your way down to the pitch, to where Harry was being engulfed by the hugs of his teammates, and prepared to congratulate him for a while before you left again. But apparently, as you looked away from him for a second to reach into your pocket for a packet of sweets from Honeydukes, he had tackled Malfoy to the ground and his fist was hurling towards the blond boy's stomach. George Weasley was not far behind, and in the second you took to register your shock, Madam Hooch had already casted the Impediment Jinx and knocked them backwards. It hit Harry and Draco directly, and you had to cast a second one at George Weasley to prevent him from coming even closer.

Shrieks and yells sounded in the air, along with Madam Hooch screaming at them to go to their Head of Houses. You knew Minerva had the Gryffindors, but Malfoy...you needed to get him to Severus if he was going to stand a chance of not getting himself killed by the Gryffindors because of that running mouth. So hoisting the boy by the robes and forcing him to stand, he gave you a look of surprise and tried to fight you off. 

"What are you doing?!" He cried, and Harry turned from his march off of the field to see the both of you, before his fists clenched once more. But the Gryffindor Captain had dragged him off again, leaving him boiling with rage on why you had sided with _Malfoy_ , and not him. 

"Bringing you to Professor Snape, now let's go."

"Don't use me as an excuse to snog your boyfriend! I know what you are! My father's told me, you are just like him, aren't you? No matter how good of a teacher everyone says you are, you hate everyone here, you are a—" Before he could finish his sentence, you had muffled his mouth and left him speechless as he tried screaming in silence. Your eyes were wide, and although the hallways had cleared, you were pretty sure that the Gryffindors up ahead had heard scraps of your conversation, and you dragged him into a smaller corridor. 

"Your father knows nothing about me, Draco. You need to stop butting your head into things like this, and you especially need to stop running that mouth of yours if you do not want to get killed in this school. Your father cannot save you forever," you scolded, and contrary to Harry, the boy loved standing up to you. He was determined.

"But you are one, aren't you? A Death Eater? Then how come you're not on _my_ side?" He fought back. 

You narrowed your eyes at him, and as his hand moved to expose the mark right underneath your left sleeve, you shoved it back roughly. "You'll never know whose side I'm on. No one will, not even Dumbledore or _him_. Now hurry along, we've wasted too much time already, and you need to see Professor Snape about this, though I expect he would not treat you as harshly as Professor McGonagall is treating her Gryffindors."

When he lingered around after you walked off, a sly smile playing on his face, it took you another _ten points from Slytherin_ before he followed, apparently very satisfied on something.


	22. Pulling Back, Pushing Forward

2nd November 1995

You were walking back to the dungeons that night when a flash of red swept past you, cornering you to the wall. Before you could see who it was, your wand was already in your hands, but you sighed and put it down when you saw that it was just the Gryffindor Head of House. Correction, it was just the _very pissed off_ Gryffindor Head of House. Her eyes carried a rage that you had never seen before, and her shoulders were so tense that you were sure one touch would set her off into her torrent of fury, all while she had her hands cornering you. 

"We need to place a hold on our earlier argument, about Severus." She spoke swiftly, and you lifted your eyebrows in confusion. 

"Okay..."

"Umbridge just placed a lifelong ban on Harry Potter and Fred and George Weasley from playing Quidditch! I don't, I can't..." It was clear that she was so angry that the words that were struggling to come out of her mouth were incredibly difficult to say, and she shrieked. "...I can't believe that woman! Never had I met such a nasty, good for nothing, monstrous pink b—"

"Minerva! Students!" You shushed her, and she shook her head, as if to say _who cares about that right now!_

But she visibly straightened, in an attempt to calm herself down. "Anyway, now I've lost a Seeker and my two Beaters, all in one night! And she introduced a new Educational Decree while at it, too! This...this...!" 

A piece of parchment was stuffed to your face, and as you took it from her to read what was on it, you knew you did not have the heart to tell her that Severus' Slytherins were only sent off with lines, and he himself was not too concerned over what had happened earlier. It would only make things so much worse for the woman. 

"No..." Your heart faltered when you read the words on it. 

"Yes! That is why I need us—"

"No, Minerva, no. I...I need to go." You returned the parchment back to her, and slipped away from her hold, while she gave you a questioning look. "Whatever you want, whatever you want to plan against that woman, I'm on board. And yes, we can stop, put a hold over whatever it was earlier, I don't care, I'll work with you, okay? I need to go now, I'll come back to you later!"

And so she was left standing there, while you ran as fast as you could, up the massive stairs out of the dungeons, and further and further away, until you reached the foot of Gryffindor Tower. Panting, you rushed to the common rooms, but to your surprise, as you reached the door, a certain Potions professor was across the hall from you as well. He stood in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, and you wanted to ask him who he was there for, really, but you had no time yourself, and you needed to get to Harry right away.

Though, it was certainly quite shocking to the Gryffindor students when the both of you stormed into the common rooms in the midst of their celebration, to yell, "POTTER!"

Everyone jumped back in fear, and you and Severus exchanged glances at the same time, silently asking the other what the hell they were looking for the boy for. You had not spoken since _that_ morning, so there was no way you would have known what Severus wanted to look for him for. But he did not stand down, and instead combed his eyes through the crowd for the signature unkempt, head of jet black hair. 

Harry was near the fireplace, and as the crowd cleared to allow you both to have a look at him, it was clear whose side he was going to first. And so he stood, uneasily making his way over to you, and Severus gritted his teeth in response. "This is no time to play favourites, Potter, I need to speak to you _now_. What you did to Draco Malfoy was unacceptable!"

"He provoked me first!" He retorted, and with everyone's attention on the three of you then, you sighed and brought the two of them outside, apologising to the rest for startling them in such a manner. The common room instantly broke out in chatter from its shocked silence earlier, and you knew that three of your names were going to reach the students of the other Houses by the very next morning. 

You let Severus handle whatever it was he wished to speak to Harry about first, since he did sort of start first anyway. And as the two of them butted heads with each other, Severus not giving in even to _a student_ , you were reminded of just how childlike and stubborn he could be too. With his arms crossed over his chest, his teeth bared and glaring towards the boy, he was absolutely not having anything Harry had to say. 

"Immature, irresponsible, reckless, dreadful temper..."

"I could say the same about you!" 

"Two hundred points from—"

"Severus!" You stepped in this time, when it was clear that at no point of their argument were they going to calm down, and the man himself was tethering on the edge of being unreasonable. Shoving him back from where he was so close to hitting the boy, you felt Harry right behind you, ready to swing at him too. "Harry, you too. Back off."

Both of them reluctantly did so, and you realised they were waiting for you to speak, as the mediator between their argument. "Severus, let this go, Draco's fine, Madam Pomfrey let him out of the infirmary in minutes. And he did say some very nasty things about the Weasleys' parents as well, so...you know, work with him on that, will you? But that doesn't mean," you turned towards Harry,"That beating him up was justified, Harry. He just lost a match, so of course he would be bitter about it, and you shouldn't have let it get to you. Please, he's not worth it, and I don't want you getting detentions with Umbridge because of this. You've already been banned from the team, who knows what other nasty punishments she's planning to put you in as much misery as possible? For me, at least, will the both of you _please_ not do this?"

Severus grumbled in agreement, looking away as he stepped back. But it was what Harry said next, a slip of his mouth, that made him freeze alongside you. "Yes, mum."

You heard it the same time the both of them did, and Harry, realising his mistake, immediately slammed his hand against his mouth in horror. "I mean, Professor! Professor (l/n)!"

A coldness settled itself in your head, and the hand that had been on Severus' chest dropped as you took in what he just said. _No, this has gone too far. I cannot, he cannot—_

"What did you just say, Potter?!" It was Severus' harsh tone and him pulling you away from the boy that snapped you out of the daze you were in. He, too, was shocked, but apparently he hid it so much better than you did. 

"I-it's fine, Harry. And uh, I think...I think Professor Snape and I should go now." You whisked the man away from Harry, and red-faced and utterly mortified he was, he stood there too, registering what he just let slip from his mouth. 

But then he stopped you. "W-what was it you were looking for me for though, P-Professor?"

You almost forgot. "I...I wanted to talk to you about the new Educational Decree, but uh...I will find you another day, alright? I-it's late and you need some rest, Harry. Goodnight."

Dragging Severus away from him then, you left the boy right outside the frame of the Fat Lady, slapping his forehead repeatedly for what he just said and what he just possibly ruined. _There is no worse way to end this night,_ he thought. 

Meanwhile, once in the safety of the dungeons, it was Severus who brought you into his office. _Of course, of course he wants to discuss this, of all things._

He leaned against his desk, his arms still crossed protectively over himself. His eyes were fixated on you with a forlorn gaze, and you knew from the way he was looking at you that he expected you to speak first. 

"Look, the boy's had a hell of a day, Severus, it must have slipped his mind, or something. He didn't mean it," you explained. Standing as far away from him as possible, you discovered that amongst the turmoil behind his black eyes, was another emotion he was hiding altogether, and for the life of you, you could not figure out what. 

"But he did. You and I know he did."

"Severus, what are you trying to say...?" You stepped back further into the wall when he came closer. Although you did not believe Minerva's words earlier one bit, you were still wary, given that you had literally zero time to process the past few days. The fear of him trying to kill you again, the vulnerability he had around you, then complicated with Minerva's accusation of him, it was giving you mixed feelings. 

"You are compromising him, putting him at risk, (y/n). He sees Lily in you, and I know that's been clear for yours, it's all becoming too much for him now. If he loses you—"

"Are you saying I'm going to die?" This time, it was you who stepped forward, and Severus hesitated.

"I'm saying, with you being a Death Eater and all..." He drifted off, never quite finishing his sentence. _What was he not telling me?_

"What, Severus, what with me being a Death Eater?"

The man looked away, gulping. There was no easy way to say what Dumbledore had told him. "...There's been a lot of chatter in the Order. Between the Death Eaters, I've discovered some information that only _we_ knew, the Order knew, was leaked. And I know, I know, it is normal, considering they are as equipped as we are, if not even more, but—"

You could not believe what he was implying. "Are you saying I'm leaking information to them? Betraying the Order, Severus?"

He stared back at you, his eyes storming and uncertain. "I don't know...you and I, we are the only Death Eaters Dumbledore has, and...Arthur Weasley said something about you and Lucius being close the other day...I don't know, all the evidence is pointed towards you, (y/n).That night that you came back, he was in the trophy room, because...someone tipped him off. Someone tipped him off that you were going to be there, and that I was going to save you, and that someone proved to be right. Now that someone is tipping him off again that...you are, you know."

It was like someone had just wrenched a knife deep into your gut. "You think I'm betraying you, betraying the Order, betraying Dumbledore."

"I don't think I'm allowed to think of anything in this situation, really."

"I was roped under The Dark Lord, Severus, I never joined them willingly. And I stayed, I stayed to _protect_ you," you said, disbelief in your words.

"I know that, don't you think I know that? That fact...the fact that you did that for me, for someone as undeserving as me, it kills me everyday. And I regret whatever I've done so much, (y/n), I regret whatever I've put you through by being selfish and keeping you mine, when you deserve _so much better,_ but my heart aches and longs for you like no other. I don't know how I can live without you, and the possibility that you...you are..."

"So you believe it then? That I'm working for _him_ now, against you? That we've become enemies, Severus?" Your voice had gone soft, and Severus felt like someone was ripping his heart out. Running his hand over his face, he fought to control his emotions, to control his longing to just pull you into his arms and forget the world, forget the possibility that you were betraying him, that you were against his side, and that you were not his anymore. 

At his silence, was when you nodded, understanding what he meant. "So this is it? Five years, and I meant nothing to you, that you cannot even _trust_ me enough to stand up for me? That you think of me as someone who would betray you, Severus? That you think of me as someone who used you to gather information and _spy for him?_ All that I am to you, all that we've been through, gone for naught."

"(y/n), you know I would never—"

But you were already at the door, sending him one last glare. It felt like your relationship really had fallen apart. "No, save it. Let me get away from you then, as far away from you as possible so that at least _you_ would be the one out of suspicion. Let me take the fall for you, like I always do, and you know what? I'll save you the trouble. I quit the Order. Tell Dumbledore that I betrayed him, I don't care. Because only _you_ mattered, Severus, only for you that I would do everything for, and...and I would bleed myself dry for you, but you would not even defend my name when I was not around, instead selling me out to the Order and believing suspicions that were not even true. You are my _husband_ , but you chose to believe everyone else but _your wife._ You were supposed to be on my side, as I have always been on yours. I lied for you, I nearly died for you, and I would die for you still, but you cannot even try to hear what I have to say out before taking sides against me? I..." You huffed, a stray tear rolling down your cheek, "...I cannot believe that as much as you say you loved me, that you would do anything for me, that it was you that did not deserve me with how much you loved me, it was ultimately me that loved you _more._ And what a mistake that was."

You left the most bitter feeling in Severus' tongue when the door slammed, and he scrunched his eyebrows in frustration for himself. Yelling out and starting to throw his things around the room again, he realised that he not only did not get you to trust him, to forgive him again, he ultimately only drove the wedge between your relationship deeper. There looked like there was no part of the relationship he could salvage.

18th November 1995

Harry never did have you visit him again after that night. He knew that it was mostly his fault, that he was the one that had made things awkward (and worse, have Snape be the only other person to hear it, he was slightly surprised that he had not used it to mock Harry right away), but whenever you ignored him after classes and outright swerved out of the way whenever you saw him approach, it almost felt like you did not wish to speak to him at all. The only thing that brought him temporary relief, was Hagrid's return. 

You, on the other hand, were currently struggling, because for the first time since that faithful night, your mark was burning. It was the most uncomfortable feeling in the world in itself, but when it was burning _in the middle of class,_ with everyone's eyes on you, it was even harder to ignore it, hoping it would go away. It got so bad to the point that as you lifted up your chalk to write on the board, it fell right away as you began to lift your hand. _Damn it! Why now, of all times?_

Leaving meant that you would have to call Umbridge. Leaving meant that you were leaving the students to her, and although that in itself sent a foul taste through your mouth, you knew that it was inevitable, and you had to get going. So hurriedly assigning the class an activity to carry out, you immediately rushed out after packing your things, telling them that Professor Umbridge would take over for the second half of the lesson, and you swore you had never heard louder groans from when you ever left a class before. 

You did not trust that Athena would return in one piece if you sent her to notify Umbridge, so casting your Patronus to do the job for her, you rushed out of the castle as the mark burned hotter than ever.

He was already waiting for you when you arrived. This time, though, you were alone with him again, the situation similar to the Occlumency lessons he had been giving you. 

A coldness encircled you as the man made one round around the room, the room where you had just recently found out was one of your parents' old houses again. Apparently, The Dark Lord and Wormtail had been taking refuge in several of them in the time that he took to rise, and the foul taste it left in your mouth could not have been made worse, knowing that you were indirectly helping him when you were not even aware of it. The basement was incredibly complex and large, which would have made sense if your parents bought all the properties they had curated for nearly half their lives for the sole purpose of providing places for safe Death Eater meetings.

"You are still working for Dumbledore. You are in his army, you are reporting on the Ministry not only for me, but for him. And he trusts you," he snickered, "He trusts that your heart knows which side it belongs to. Blind faith will not get him anywhere, you know. And unfortunately...you are victim of his blind faith. You still believe that you have a chance of thwarting me, thwarting my plans while contributing to his cause, don't you?"

When you did not answer, the wand under your chin forced you to nod.You grimaced. "Alas, I think I ought to teach you a lesson. In any other circumstance, you would be long dead by now for all that you have done, but your parents really have done so much for me, and I think I at least owe the favour of turning over their daughter myself. After all, only I can help you see."


	23. Your Becoming

18th November 1995

There was nothing you could do. The Dark Lord was not restraining you, holding you hostage, but the thought of even stepping one foot forward or moving your arms in any way was sending you terrors through your heart. So all you could do, was watch him, hear him, as he spoke.

But then it felt like all the air in your lungs had been knocked out, when with a wave of his wand, he conjured the scene of your nightmares weeks ago. It was the night Kooby died. 

"What—" You began, but with his glare and the way he was telling you to silently watch, you felt the words die on your tongue then. Memories of Kooby, of Kooby finally growing warmer to Severus as your honeymoon came to an end, of him taking care of you when you were a child, of him putting up with everything your parents did to him and enduring the punishments that he had taken for you so you could get away with things, all rushed back, and you wondered if it always did before you witnessed creatures that would die in your hands. When Cedric died, those memories nearly made you faint with how fast they came rushing to you, and now, watching Kooby meet his end, they seemed to come even faster, even stronger.

With the way the house-elf was looking at you as he died, as if you were his salvation and not his executioner, you longed to look away, to not watch as the house-elf you had grown fondness for and who spent your childhood with lose his life in front of your very eyes, but you could not. It was as if your eyes were entranced, and nothing could peel them away.

"Do you know why you cannot fathom looking away, (y/n)?" He was reading your mind once again. "As much as you try to deny it, as much as you claim you are nothing like your parents, you are their daughter. And you have had their love of darkness passed down to you, it has been within you from the start. You are terrified and disgusted with it, but the Dark Arts has to be embraced, my girl. You indulge in your darkness unconsciously, do you know that? Taking up the Defence Against the Dark Arts post, taking interest in the Dark Arts, joining my ranks while still working for Dumbledore, you are stubbornly and rather hopelessly drawn to darkness, seeking ways to interact with it while remaining on the good side to make yourself feel better. You prefer to allow yourself to get stabbed rather than fight back and kill, because you know that if that door in you opens, it might not close again." 

Under your cloak, your fingernails dug themselves into your skin until it tore. He continued, "I could be speaking to my own reflection. Do I see myself in you, the way that you see yourself in me? Must I denounce myself a monster while you still refuse to see the one growing inside of you?"

"You see me as a cultivation of you," you said, though he only smiled in return. Forcing you to sit, he circled his way behind you. If you were to die tonight, it would be in this room, it would be in his hands. 

"Do you realise what this all means, (y/n)? Earlier in your memories, Dolores Umbridge said that you did not belong anywhere, neither to me nor Dumbledore. But she is wrong, you do belong with me, with us. You just haven't realised your full potential yet, you haven't recognised your value by being with us. Dumbledore did this, Dumbledore did this to you, to the house-elf. He is the one putting you in this much pain, by not allowing you to devote yourself fully to the Dark side. Don't you see that that man is manipulating you, for his own needs? You are nothing, nothing at all to him. He would discard of you once you have served your purpose, as he would with Severus Snape. Severus is nothing but a tool, an instrument for him to use as he pleases, to take advantage of. Do you seriously think that if he won, he would keep someone as damaged, as corrupted as Severus and you with him by his side? How would it look, that two Death Eaters were the ones to help him win a war, absolutely disgusting to him! He would kill Severus the first chance he gets, as he would to you. But with me, (y/n)...you need not worry. I will hold you and Severus in the highest respect, two of my most useful spies, and when this is all over, I promise you that you and him will live to see a happy-ever-after, in a world you and him have helped me cleanse. Do you wish for that, (y/n)?"

You dared not look at him, afraid of your own answer. But he seemed to pick it up anyway. "Then drop Dumbledore. Drop him once and for all, and join me. For serving me will save your Severus Snape, while serving Dumbledore is writing his death sentence for him, as you have written one for your pathetic house-elf. And most importantly, serving me will be saving yourself. You are becoming, let yourself free."

You knew that when you left that house that day, completely unscathed, was when your mind had made up, and so had The Dark Lord's.

17th December 1995

Exactly a month later, and Severus was still trying to get you to attend every Order meeting back at Grimmauld Place, your announcement of quitting the Order apparently not hitting him yet. It was growing frustrating, and you wondered at which point in time had the man you loved so much and would give up everything for had become the man you would be the most snappy, curt with. 

"(y/n), please, you need to think this through. Molly misses you, Tonks misses you, even..." Severus nearly winced saying, "...Remus has been asking about you."

"Then haven't you told them the truth? That I was nothing but a spy planted by The Dark Lord to betray them? That _I_ have been leaking all their information to him? I would think that would get me off their good graces," you replied, turning a sharp corner to the dungeons. 

He caught your wrist, and as much as you would like to deny it, it still sent butterflies to your stomach. "I've told you, I've told them, _it's not you_ , my love. You stopped showing up to the meetings, but the information is still leaking, information that you don't even know of. So we know, they know, you're not betraying us. Why are you doing this?"

In response, you sent him an icy glare. "Don't call me that name. You don't deserve to call me that name. I...I don't know what you want from me, Severus. One minute you're drunk and confessing that you still _love me,_ that I am still the one for you, and in the next, you're accusing me of working against you, lying and deceiving you. This is not you, and if you're going to keep sending me all these mixed signals and make my life infinitely more difficult, then I don't know when—"

"I love you!" He exclaimed, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I love you, and I will always do, nothing changes that, (y/n). I am not sending you mixed signals, and I am so sick and tired of fighting you and fighting the urge not to kiss you, hold you, have you. But I made a mistake, and I am trying to repent for that mistake, but I don't know how, okay? You...you barely talk to me anymore, you say you need time but I don't know how long you are going to need, and...and I just want to be _with you_ , nothing more! You don't tell me how I can better myself, to let you see me in a light that you would forgive me in, and it's killing me. I don't have much experience in this...relationship thing like you do, and I honestly do not have a clue on what I need to do to get you to forgive me, (y/n). I miss you horribly, my heart aches every night at the cold spot where you used to lay beside me on my bed, and I just...I just want to know how I can fix this. I never meant to make you think that I loved you any less."

His grip loosened, and he looked afraid. You knew he had been dying to say that out for so long, from the way his shoulders then relaxed and he breathed out heavily, as if the weight of it had been removed, his burdens gone. But at the same time, he looked absolutely terrified of what you would say next, and in some part of him, he was hopeful. That was the thing about him, as much as anyone could call him a pessimist, someone who gave very little care of anything in the world and in general a person who had given up on everything, he was actually one of the most hopeful men you had ever known. Severus' reputation did not do his kindness, bravery and determination any justice, because you knew for a fact that he had much more hope than you ever had, and he was always the more optimistic one between the both of you. So seeing him then, broken down to his most raw, innermost self, showed you that he really was genuine. 

And you did not know if it was a good or bad thing. "Did you think of that, the night you slept with her? Did you think you loved me any less when you undressed her, when you let your mouth roam over her lips, her skin, pretending it was mine? Or Lily's? Did you think that I loved you so less that you had to seek love from someone else in the same night? Because, Severus, as angry as I got with you, as much as I thought I hated you in moments of our arguments, _I never would have done that to you._ I loved and respected you too much, so perhaps the problem here is not me, it is you. How can you even forgive yourself after that? I can forgive you, but it would mean nothing, like an empty promise. Did you love her, that night?"

"(y/n), I—"

"Would you leave me for her?" It was your turn to try to hide the fragility in your voice.

His answer was sure. "Never." 

When you failed to reply, he sighed and pulled your hands to his. "I've taught you Legilimency. You can look. All my love is for you, and you only." 

Severus did not know if you were looking, if you were reading his mind when you stared back at him. For all he knew you could be simply fuming with how _unbelievable_ he was being, but on the off chance that you were looking, he focused his happiest memories with you, the moments where he felt he truly felt so lucky to be able to love you, the moments where he was sure you were the love of his life, the moment he asked you to _marry him_ , the moments where your relationship could not be defined by words but only actions. He hoped you would see, just how much love for you he would always have, and how much it pained him to see you hurt. 

But you frowned, and stepped back far too quick, which told him you had not even bothered to read his mind. It broke his heart, but he did not dare say that out loud to you. Instead, you said, "One meeting. That is all I am going for."

And you left him standing in the hallway, absolutely crestfallen and only holding on to the air in which you left behind. 

18th December 1995

You were on a walk around the castle. It was to clear your head partly from Umbridge's annoying refusal to accept even one of your lesson plans, and how she had surreptitiously tried to hint to you that you were on thin ice with the Ministry, but mostly you were also on a mission trying to avoid Severus as well. The sight of him, whether it was on the high table, in the hallways when you were in between classes, or even when you both entered your quarters for the night, you were afraid you were going to do something your heart would yearn for, but your head would berate you for. He was looking worser than ever, growing thinner by the day, his eyes often bloodshot and tired, and his hair had grown so long that you resisted the urge to sit him down to chop it off for him once and for all. Then you looked down at your own grey robes (you had grown rather tired of always wearing white), and realised that you had changed quite a fair bit too. You wondered if he noticed at all, and if your change had been a good or bad change.

Lost in your thoughts, you failed to notice that a rather large group of students had just exited a room you had never seen before, and only when they gasped sharply at the sight of you did you take notice. It was Neville that looked the most frightened, and as you checked your wristwatch for the time and realised that they probably thought you were there to rat them out to Umbridge, did you understand why he looked so. It was way past the curfew she had set, and you were confident that most of them had already heard what the woman did for those that had to serve detention under her. 

It was a mix of students from every single house except for Slytherin. Hermione and Ron were at the back of the crowd, and although they all immediately broke out in chatters and considered running when they saw you, the both of them strode in front, Hermione confidently. 

"I see you got my hint," you said, studying the group. "Room of requirement, very smart, Hermione."

"Actually, Harry thought of the room, well, Dobby did, Dobby the house-elf." The mention of a house-elf made your smile falter, but you knew the two would not notice. 

"Well, he's still inside, I presume. Tell him I said hello, and that he is doing a good job. But if anyone asks, Hermione, _I was never here._ I did not see anything, I do not know of anything." Stepping back and away from the crowd, there was an apparent confusion, but only when Hermione and Ron proceeded to tell them that you were fine, that you were not going to snitch on them, did they significantly calm down. 

Turning the corner, you stopped for a moment to study the group, and softly smiled again. It was quite sad that you were part of everything they were against, everything they were afraid of, and your heart pulled at the thought of them actually having to fight against Death Eaters in the war. "Go up to your dormitories in groups of two or three. Don't use the main hallways, Umbridge checks on them quite frequently, alright? Sleep well, all of you."

It was even more heartbreaking when they all grinned and looked genuinely happy to see you. You slipped away before they could see a tear roll down your cheek at the thought of just what The Dark Lord was planning for wizards with their sort of bravery.


	24. Harry's Dream

18th December 1995

It was two in the morning. It was exactly two in the morning and Minerva McGonagall was yelling at you as the both of you made your rounds around Gryffindor tower. A headache was starting to form, and as you rubbed your temples painfully, she took it as a sign to apparently drill the words of how much Severus was using you for your attention even further. The truce to the argument from earlier had very clearly ended. 

"And when he first started teaching, he used to do this too! At a much smaller scale of course, trying to get days off and for me to cover for him, and when he was a student, Merlin, (y/n), Severus Snape was brilliantly bright as a student, but that boy was the very definition of a Slytherin. Cunning, smart, resourceful, and he tricked nearly me and every other teacher at it, too. So believe me when I say that you shouldn't _fall for this_ , my girl," she ranted, waving her hands in the air wildly. 

You wondered since when had she cared so much about you. "But I love him, I...what was I supposed to do other than help him that night?"

"Anything but bathing him, stitching him up, feeding him, or even _sleeping_ with him! He's effectively just brought you back to your relationship from before, by playing the pity card. You treat him too well and you know it, he's perfectly capable—"

"PROFESSORS!" A loud shriek interrupted Minerva, and in return, she jumped as well, with how Neville Longbottom had tumbled down the stairs and hysterically ran over to the both of you. "I-it's Harry! He's not well, he's really pale and he had this dream...of—oh I forgot, but could you help, please?"

It looked like the discussion was to be put off again, as the both of you followed the boy straight up to the common rooms, entering through the portrait hole, and making your way up to the boys' dormitory. Harry was panting on the floor, visibly shaken as Ron and the other Gryffindor boys crowded around him. Minerva pushed her way through, while you hung back a little, still hesitant to approach him after what happened just not too long ago. He took a deep breath, relief flooding his bones at the sight of her, and explained his dream.

It was about Arthur Weasley. At the mention of him telling Minerva about how he had been bitten, by a giant snake, you instantly knew what he meant. _A gift, for the Order._ The Dark Lord mentioned to you a few days ago. This must have been his gift, Nagini's warning. It quite startled you on the accuracy of his dream, and you mentally made a note to remind The Dark Lord of your discovery later on. 

"You're looking at me like I'm mad! I'm not mad, Professor! I know what I saw!" He shifted his anger towards you when Minerva paused to take it all in. He obviously believed you disregarded his dreams as merely dreams. _Little did he know._

But you simply stared back at him, not moving, not saying anything. His eyes quivered in fear then, of what you thought of him, and why he felt that what you thought of him mattered so much. It was as if he had something to prove to you, and he did not know why it was especially biting when you looked unconvinced still. It was only when Minerva said that she believed him and encouraged him to put on his dressing gown, did you sweep away from the room, deciding to wait for him outside. 

On the journey to Dumbledore's office, the boy repeatedly tried to make eye contact with you several times, clearly frustrated, but you stared ahead, looking out for signs of Umbridge and only ensuring a clear path for him and Minerva. The woman rapped three times against the Headmaster's door when you arrived, and as him and Ron walked past the door you opened for them to meet Dumbledore, he sighed, giving up temporarily. You ignored the sickening feeling in your chest and followed. 

Dumbledore was unsurprisingly, calm. It amazed you every single time how no matter the absurdity, the insanity of what people told him, he could still manage to keep a sort of poker face and equally calm temperament. As he listened to Harry explain again, his eyes shot towards you, as if to ask if you had an inkling of what happened, but you averted your gaze. It was only when you refused to look at him for the fourth time that night, was when he stood up, and began addressing the portraits instead. 

"Please sit down, all four of you. Everard and Dilys may not be back for several minutes. Professor McGonagall, if you could draw up extra chairs," he said, after ordering the portraits to find the man. Minerva moved to wave her wand, but your hand held her up. 

"Draw three. I would prefer to stand."

Dumbledore tried to look at you again, but you were determined. "Very well, then."

He turned to the pet phoenix, and upon looking through and observing what it had to show him, you knew that he already had a sense of what you were about to tell him again. Why he had so much faith, so much trust in you, you did not know, but if it meant that you could stick around for longer, you were taking it as an infinitely good sign. Though, the grim conclusion he drew did quite a lot to accentuate the tension in the air. 

When Everard returned with the status of Arthur Weasley, covered in blood and very seriously injured, it reminded you of a similar incident that happened to yourself. _It was inelegant. He would have killed him if he wanted to._ Of course, The Dark Lord was not that bold to outright kill a member of the Order yet, no, not when the Azkaban break had not yet happened. Then Dilys arrived, and upon the confirmation of the man's state, Dumbledore instructed Minerva to fetch the other Weasley children, leaving you with Harry and Ron in the room. You wondered if you should go. 

But then he called out your name. "You know all too well of Arthur's condition. You should go with the children, I will tell Minerva to inform Umbridge to take over for you. Stay there for the break, will you?"

"I don't—"

"Please, (y/n). You were worse off than him _that night_ , and there was only Severus and I," Then, as the man beckoned you closer and leaned down so you were out of the boys' earshot, he whispered, "They need you. Harry needs you."

There it was again. Everyone playing _the Harry card_ in front of you to get you to do things for them. It was frustrating, and as much as you hated it and you wished for nothing more than to sever your relationship with the boy to get rid of him once and for all, it still drove you to say yes anyway. _I never should have gotten so close._ Begrudgingly, though, you nodded, and watched as he set up a Portkey.

When Minerva returned with the rest of the Weasley children and Dumbledore received the tip-off of Umbridge's knowledge that they were out of bed, you felt your head spin with how you suddenly realised that this was all too real. Soon enough, you would be back at Sirius' house, spending Christmas there as well, and having to look out for Harry when you were practically the thing he was working against. Swallowing an unsteady breath, you tried to calm yourself down on the off-chance that Dumbledore was reading your mind. You had gotten so good at Occlumency that if anyone tried to do so, you could feel it, but still, it was an unnerving feeling. 

Offering the Portkey to the children and you, you paused for a moment before they touched it, and Dumbledore sensed your apprehension. "Don't worry, I'll inform Severus."

You looked towards him, and as a hint of a small smile played on his lips, you felt yourself nod in gratitude, before reaching out to touch the Portkey. 

In a fraction of a second, the tugging feeling in your stomach was gone, as you ended up back at number twelve, Grimmauld Place again. The children were coughing and sputtering, still not quite used to the mode of travel, but you immediately stepped back away from them upon spotting Sirius.

He grinned at you, before allowing himself to hug you as tightly as he could for the split second that the children were still disoriented. You gave him a soft smile in return, and helped Ginny up from the dusty floor that she had fallen on.

Kreacher had taken the opportunity to enter then, and with his usual ramblings of blood-traitor brats and filthy half-bloods infiltrating his mistress' house, earned an even louder roar from Sirius to get out. You thought it was quite harsh of him to do that, with the tone and volume of his voice, but said nothing. _It would not change anything, me caring for Kreacher or not. It would not bring Kooby back._

Watching as the house-elf trotted away then, you turned to find that Harry had begun recounting his story again. Fred and George turned rather pale as the boy went on, and Ginny looked like she was about to cry. Ron was standing beside you, and with the grip that he was holding onto your robes for, you were quite sure that his fingernails were going to tear right through them. In response, you held his hand as a replacement for your robes, and he squeezed it gratefully.

To your surprise, it was Harry that suggested tearing off to St Mungo's first. Sirius and you disagreed, but with the support of Fred and George screaming equally as fiercely back to every retort Sirius made, you knew the both of you were at the losing end. 

The man looked to you for help, but when you hesitated, he could only sigh and let his emotions take over. "This is how it is—this is why you're not in the Order—you don't understand—there are things worth dying for!"

He shot a look towards you again, remembering your own incident, and you nodded silently. But Fred came back with an even more scalding remark, on how Sirius was not contributing of any sort to the Order, and this time, you finally stepped in. "Fred, follow me, please." 

Hot-headed and absolutely fuming, the boy allowed you to lead him into a room to talk things through and to calm him down, while letting Sirius cool off too. It was quite difficult to explain to someone like him on how he could not visit his _father_ , of all people, when he knew he was injured, and you knew you felt quite bad that it happened so soon as well. So you did the best you could, comforting him and assuring him that the man would be fine, because the truth was, he was not going to die, you were sure of it, and by the time the both of you made it back to the others, they had significantly calmed down too. Sirius had gotten Butterbeer for the lot, as they all slumped onto the armchairs in front of the fireplace. 

When Fawkes arrived to deliver Molly Weasley's letter, it was you who received it, before handing it for each of the children to read over. Her handwriting looked shaky and the paper was tear-stained, and you could not imagine how fearful the woman must be feeling. _If that happened to Severus, I wouldn't know—No, that could never happen to Severus._ You shook the unsavoury thoughts out of your head, and tried hard not to think about the Potions professor for the rest of the night. 

Nobody really slept that night, though, and even when silence had settled and everyone was left to their own thoughts, there was still a sort of tension hanging in the air. You decided to take the opportunity to whisk Sirius away to speak to him privately. He raised his eyebrows in concern when you did, but followed you anyway. 

"I'm going to be spending Christmas break here, to look out for...you know." You gestured towards Harry, and he nodded. 

"That...that's good, (y/n). I will clean up the extra rooms," Sirius smiled, but upon detecting the hesitance you still had, he prompted, "Is there...something else you want to tell me?"

"I don't know. I usually spend Christmas with Severus, and knowing him, Grimmauld Place is the last place he would want to be at. But we haven't been alright for a while, so I figured..."

"...You would want a break from him," Sirius finished for you. "If I may ask, what is it that happened between the both of you? I mean, you stopped showing up to Order meetings with him, and then you stopped showing up at all. And every single time he comes over, he is more hostile than ever, you know, Tonks accidentally dropped a teacup in front of him the other day, and he hexed her. Took Remus, Kingsley and Bill to hold me back from killing him. And you...you've lost so much weight since I last saw you. And your robes, they're growing to a darker grey by the day, aren't they?" He was poking fun, but you shook your head incredulously. 

"I'm fine, it's just...it's weird to want to be with him so much, but at the same time, being with him hurts too."

"What did he exactly do? You know you can tell me anything," The man drew a chair and sat, inviting you to do so too. "I'm like your brother, (y/n), you know me, lips sealed."

You let your eyes roam towards the tapestry on the wall, one where your name as well as Sirius' was charred out. _Could I trust him?_ Next to Remus, he was probably the one where you felt the most connection to. And he could not beat up Severus, anyway, since the two were always so far apart from each other. You gave in. "He...got involved with somebody else."

Sirius did not quite understand. Cocking his head to the side like a dog, he repeated the words back to you, before saying, "You know I'm not the one good with words, here, (y/n). You Ravenclaws always have a way with words I would never understand. Never dated your kind when I was in school."

Rolling your eyes at him, you steadied yourself before trying again. "...He slept with someone else."

It took a good ten seconds for your words to finally hit Sirius Black. Then, as if in a flurry of movement, he had stood up so fast that the chair behind him actually fell backwards, and his face twisted into one of pure rage. He moved towards the door, but you shut it just as fast, wordlessly.

"Sirius! Sit back down!"

He tried the door, but it did not give in, and his wand was in another room. "Let me out! I'm going to kill him, I'm going to absolutely kill him when I see him! How could he—how could _you_ still forgive him after that?"

"Sirius...I'm telling you this in confidence. If you could please—"

"From the start! I knew it! I knew he was a horrible person, before James, before Lily, I knew what kind of person Severus Snape was! Remus tells me I should apologise to him, for the years of _bullying_ I did to him, but I told him never in a million years! And now, that's very much justified, isn't it? Cheating on someone _like you_ , how dare he!" Sirius retorted, venom in his words. 

You were starting to regret telling him about it already, as you stood and tried to get him to face you. "And then what could you do? You'll kill him? For me?"

His eyes finally met yours, and he swallowed. "Well, no...but—"

"Exactly. And this is sort of my fault as well," you sighed,"I treated him so poorly towards the end of our relationship, made him doubt himself, doubt us, that it...I don't know where the line of where it's my fault ends and where his begins. For all I know, it could be all because of me that he...that he cheated."

Then, you felt Sirius' hands on your arms, his eyes looking fiercely into yours. "It's all his fault, it's always the cheater's fault, (y/n). Why are you blaming yourself for this? He _chose_ to do it, he chose to leave you behind for someone else, _he_ should be the one feeling sorry! I swear to Merlin, the next time I see him, he is going to walk out of this place with a bloody face and all his bones broken! And I'm sure Remus too, he would do it to him too!"

 _Remus._ "Sirius, you cannot tell Remus! Please, he's already so worried about me in his letters, and knowing this, it'll just make things even worse for him!"

"Like hell if he's not going to find out. (y/n), you're feeling bad for a man that cheated on you, why are you still protecting him like this?! If it were me, I would have dropped him the second that I found out! Why are you holding on so hard for someone who obviously loved you so little to break you like this?"

His words hit home, as you let out a small gasp then, and looked away. Sirius and Minerva both had the same reactions, your closest friends did, and you were quite sure that Remus would behave similarly too. And in another world, where you thought more rationally and you were not swept up so much by the Potions professor and all that was him, you would have left him too, but you could not. Especially with how things were, and how much you stood to lose if you lost him too. _No, leaving Severus was not the option._ Because at the end of the day, some small part of you, some optimistic, unrealistic part of you, still believed in him. And that small part often overtook all your other senses in rationalising on what to do. 

19th December 1995

However, things only seemed to go worse for you later in the day. Because as you stepped out into the cold, wintry air that afternoon with the rest of the group to visit Arthur, Sirius was still rather pissed, despite hiding it quite well to the other during breakfast. Albeit disguised and under the Concealment Charm, he was ranting and raving to you all through the journey, drawing looks from Moody and Tonks, and as much as you pretended to listen and hear where he was coming from, you were exhausted from the hell of the day you had too. The last time you slept was exactly forty eight hours ago, and you had caught yourself from dozing off at least three times on the journey to the hospital. 

As you waited outside while Harry and the Weasley family headed into Arthur Weasley's ward at St Mungo's, you found yourself shuffling your feet tiredly. The soft lull of chatter and faint white noise of the hospital was comforting, strange as it was, and the air was very much warmer than the freezing temperature outside. You knew you were going to drop dead asleep if you did not do anything about it, so standing up to walk around for a bit, you heard Sirius following you as well before he caught up to you. 

" _Snuffles_ , I'm tired. Please, please, let me have a moment of silence," you said as he fell into stride, and although he was reluctant, he agreed anyway. The both of you made your rounds around the floor in silence, you enjoying the atmosphere for a while, and him simpering, his thoughts about you, about Harry, and about Arthur running through his mind. 

Ending up on the first floor again, you were quite prepared to head up after a round around the floor and being shoved and pushed by Healers running about and discombobulated wizards looking around confusedly at you and Sirius. But this was not the case, because as you made it past the main entrance, Sirius close behind, you heard his footsteps stop for a minute. Turning around to see what caught his attention, you felt the air in your lungs squeezed so tight that it felt like you were drowning. 

Sirius was glaring at the sight of Severus, his jaw taut and his eyes filled with anger. But that was not what made you weak in the knees, no, it was the fact that Severus was looking right at you, his face a mixture of shock and horror, while the woman he cheated on you with was right beside him.


	25. Making A Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nsfw skip towards the end if u don't wanna see it

19th December 1995

"Snuffles! Snuffles, stop, you're making a scene!" Your hands were under his arms, as he effectively struggled very hard against your hold. "Snuffles, _please._ "

"Let me go. I'll kill him for you, I'll kill him right now!" Onlookers were starting to gather around you both, as Severus still stood there, not saying a word, while the woman gulped at the sight of you again. You knew you had to diffuse the situation fast, for it looked like Sirius was surely going to hurt the man. The Potions professor was still slightly confused on who the man you were holding was, and a strange sensation of jealousy bubbled within him. Though, he had no right to feel that way right then, with how he had incidentally met Rose on the steps of St Mungo's as he was making his way to _you_. 

Instead, Severus stepped forward as he snapped out of his trance, and in one quick motion, hexed the man so fast that his arms immediately turned limp in your hold. His legs gave way, and as he slumped to the ground and dragged you down with his weight, Severus casted another charm to silence him. He was left there seething, wordlessly screaming at the Potions professor, who helped you get him to stand, before he allowed his eyes to meet yours. 

"I didn't—"

"I have no time for this, Severus. _You,_ " You looked towards the woman, who scrambled towards you then, "Help me get this man up. We need to—no, thank you, ma'am, we don't need a Healer. This has a simple counter spell."

As you warded off another Healer, the woman looked you over and let herself take a small breath. Then, as she bent down to help you get Sirius up, Severus cut in. "Actually, you can get him up to Arthur Weasley's room by yourself, can you? Get a Healer to help. You are here for _him,_ right?" 

"Severus..." you warned, but he was adamant. His eyes fixed on hers, she looked so frightened of the both of you that all she could do was nod, before motioning for the Healer that you rejected over. And in one quick stride, Severus was beside you, dragging you off and away from both her and Sirius. 

Only then did the scene you witnessed finally hit you. _He's still seeing her._ Suddenly, it felt like his hand on your wrist was like a snare, entrapping you and making his touch burn through your skin. You tried pulling it away, but he did not let go until he spotted an empty supply closet, and dragging you inside, he locked the door firmly with a spell only he could break. Your heart leapt to your mouth when he did, because a tiny part of you was still _terrified_ of being alone in a room with him again. _What if he hurt you, or...you hurt him?_

He spoke before you could even open your mouth. "I met her at the steps outside of the hospital. No, I did not meet her intentionally, nor was I with her. She...she was crying and worried about something, and when she saw me, she asked if we could go in together. I did not want to, but she insisted, and I—the main point is, (y/n), I was not still seeing her or something! I came here for you, and...and I came to bring you this." 

Severus opened the long travelling cloak he was wearing, and unveiled a small bouquet of flowers he had kept safe in his robes. They were a little crushed from his journey and some of the petals had fallen, but the elegant white ribbon he had bought them with still made your heart flutter, disgusting even yourself. _No, I cannot be won over by flowers._

"Severus—"

"Look, I came here to _fix this_ , fix us. I woke up this morning and you were gone from the castle, and you do not know just how much that _terrified_ me, (y/n). I've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of reflecting, and I've realised that I need you. I don't know how I can live without you. And I want to work things out between us, because I know all of this is my fault and if I just...I just...I just want to right my wrongs with you. I want a second chance, (y/n)." 

You did not know what to say to him. The irrational, small part of you was begging yourself to forgive him again, while the rational, less persuasive part of you still needed time, but time in itself was running out, you knew. You would lose him one way or another, and just seeing him with _her_ today shattered your heart more than he would ever know. _Was it stupid that as much as I say I don't want him anymore, the thought of him with someone else kills me?_

"I will do anything, anything you ask of me. You were afraid of marrying me, that's fine, we can not get married, we can live out the rest of our lives together and not worry about marriage at all. If you want children, or don't want them, it's all fine by me, I would not care less if we had them or not. And if you...if you want to move or go away to somewhere where the both of us can start over, I would gladly do that with you. I promise never to do anything to hurt you again, I would treat you like a princess, _my princess_ for the rest of my life if I could. I would do anything for you, (y/n), I just want you to _be mine_ again. Please."

He offered the flowers to you then, and as you took them from his hands and the spark of electricity shot through him, he sighed and gave in once and for all. With no one in sight, he leaned his forehead against yours and encircled his arms around your body. You let out a sharp inhale, but to his surprise, you did not reject him. He continued, "Please, please, please. You are all that I have, all that I am."

Closing your eyes and allowing yourself to breathe in his scent again, your brain was still muddled with the dilemma you had to face. Forgiving him would be so, so easy, it would put an end to your sleepless nights and painful days, and only prolonging how you would come back to him by denying him of forgiveness was torturous. You knew you would forgive him eventually, right? The sight of him with someone else, the thought of him loving and belonging to someone else after all that he had gone through with you, it was something unimaginable. He was quite positively your soulmate, and even if you did not marry him like he said you would, you were sure that you were incapable of loving anyone else that was not him no longer. Your heart had latched on to his for life. 

"I missed you," you quietly said against his shoulder. The words you wanted to say were _of course, of course I would forgive you because I love you. I love you so much that it's killing me,_ but you could not find it in yourself to say it out loud. 

Severus lifted his head to face you then, and in his eyes was a look of absolute adoration and love, the look you had seen so many years ago on your first night together. It made your heart melt, because even though he had grown finer lines on his face and his hair had gotten longer and he looked even more tired than he could ever look, it was still the same him that you fell in love with all those years ago. 

"Please don't break my heart again," you whispered to him, for the distance between the both of you was so close then that he could hear your heartbeat thumping loudly on his chest as well. He nodded, before you sighed, and allowed yourself to capture his lips in yours again.

Severus felt like he had entered a state of euphoria. The softness, the taste of your lips against his, it brought him immeasurable comfort. You tasted like home, and he had been away from home for so long that to be able to return when he was only expecting you to reject him once more, for him to fight harder, was the best feeling in the world to him. He moved his mouth languidly against yours, and moving his right hand up to thread into your hair, he bit your lip softly and released a moan.

"Sev," Hearing your old nickname for him again only spurred him on, as he pulled you closer to him then, wanting to feel every part of you against him. "Sev, we're in a hospital."

"So? I've locked the supply closet, and Arthur Weasley's in good hands. We're the safest we'll ever be," he replied, already roaming his hands over your robes and beginning to take them off. You paused for a moment as he shrugged it off to the floor, and although he was lust-ridden and desperate for you, he forced himself to look up to you again. "Unless you don't want to?"

"No, no, it's just...we're not moving too fast are we? I'm afraid—"

" _My love_ , I haven't been able to touch you for so long, I hardly think that's an issue for now. And we have the rest of our lives to be able to catch up on the other things, don't we?"

You bit your lip, thinking hard, but in response, he growled as he saw you do it. _Screw it,_ you thought, and allowed his lips to come back down to yours. He hungrily began tearing through your clothes, and when he felt your hands carefully begin taking off his, a stark contrast in methods, he slowed his racing heart for a moment. Stepping back to admire you as you unbuttoned his robes and helped him take off his inner shirt, he was reminded of that night. That night that you dropped everything, all your walls and guards, to _take care_ of him, despite how upset you were, still. It filled his heart with another immense wave of love for you. He realised that in return, he would do anything and everything to keep you safe as well.

There was a loud bang that reverberated off the walls as Severus slammed your body against it. Lifting you up, you wrapped your legs around him as he chuckled against your mouth when he trapped you between him and the surface behind you. "Sev!"

He was hard and heavy as you pulled it out, running your hands through him as the man groaned against your touch. "We have to be quick. Sirius will come looking for me once they've reversed whatever you've done to him."

" _That_ was Sirius Black?" He raised his eyebrows, but you shushed him as you latched your lips against his again, getting him to forget about the man momentarily. 

He guided himself into you, and with the way you whimpered against his skin and whined when he had filled you to the hilt, Severus felt like he could explode right then and there. It was so hot, so tight, that he was sure he would leave the room sweating even in the cold winter air. Severus gave you exactly three seconds to adjust to his size and length, and as you shifted and squirmed through the pain, he only allowed himself to move when you visibly relaxed and the pained expression turned into one of pleasure. 

Thrusting upwards into you then, Severus felt a torrent of curses and swears fall out from his mouth as he watched you, your own eyes shut and your hands gripping onto him for dear life. He let his eyes travel to your chest, and he went even deeper if possible as they pressed against him. His hands were bruising your skin and his teeth biting harshly onto the areas non-exposed by your clothing, but it only added onto the lust you were feeling then. Your mind was only focused on climaxing with him.

And all too soon, his movements turned sloppy and his pace increased as he gave one, two, three, final deep thrusts inside you, before pulling out and coming in thick spurts on your lower stomach. You were not far from him, as your hands then went down and chased your own release. Soon enough, white hot flashes blinded you, and you chanted his name against his shoulder as he brought you down from your high. 

Severus softly let you down when he felt you were stable enough to stand, and as you looked down at your own body, his thick, white pearls rolling down from you to the floor and staining it, you felt yourself releasing another deep breath. He was panting above you, and slowly, he let his hands roam on your skin for a while. At first, he only did it to spread himself around you, something of a sort of claim on your body for him, before his touch actually spread to other areas of your body. When he got to your back and felt the distinct scars from The Dark Lord's attack then, he could feel you freeze.

"I'm ugly now, aren't I?" You chuckled against him, still panting. Though, there was insecurity in your words. "Damaged, no longer unscarred and the person you fell in love with."

He frowned at you, before shaking his head. "Did you think I fell in love with you because of your looks?"

"Well, it was usually what happened with my other lovers. My first boyfriend, told me I had the prettiest eyes, it was what drew him in to me. When I got hit by a Bludger one day and my eyes got really swollen, he decided that I was no longer that pretty anymore. This girl I dated for a few months, in my Quidditch team, thought that I looked good in the field and in my Quidditch robes, but when we finally got together and she saw me outside of the field, she told me that I looked better if I dressed a certain way or acted in a certain manner. Safe to say we did not last. And then—"

"(y/n)," Severus tilted your chin up to look at him then, "I could never think of you as anything less than ethereal. You are the most beautiful thing in the world to me, and I could not care less for how you looked. I love you for _you_ , and these scars do not mean that I would love you any less. You are an angel, _my angel_ , and people never think of angels as ugly, do they?"

Severus had never experienced a longer kiss than when you hurriedly latched your hands behind his neck and pulled him in again. You were crying against his lips, though you were not sure if they were tears of joy or sadness, hearing him say those words to you. It meant more than he would ever know, the only validation and love you had craved so long for, finally came from the one person you cared about. He smiled against your lips, and began stroking your back lovingly, your scars his own reminder of just how much more he had to make up to you for. 

When the both of you got to Arthur Weasley's ward later on, your hair still quite dishevelled and Severus still red on the cheeks, the other members of the Order were in there, along with Dumbledore. You realised, as they all turned to look at you, that it was probably the first time they were seeing you in a while, after you told Severus you were quitting. _But I have. I have quit._ Turning towards the door again, Dumbledore seemed to have sensed of your intentions, and called out to you.

"I refuse to accept your resignation, (y/n). Don't be ridiculous about this."

You sighed. If this was where he was choosing to have this conversation, it was where you were going to end it. "You are making a mistake, Dumbledore, not letting me go."

"On the contrary, I think I would be making the biggest mistake letting you leave." 

"I'm not spilling your secrets, any of your secrets. But I clearly pose a threat here, and I don't want anyone here hurt because of me." Molly and Tonks looked rather uncomfortable with the way your tone rose, but Dumbledore remained still. 

"You are not a threat, you should know that. Severus should have told you that. And we need you, now more than ever, (y/n). Especially with Arthur's attack. The Ministry is bound to be hiding more things, and you are all we've got." 

Looking towards Severus then, he only gave you a sharp nod, his hand going to your arm for support. Sirius growled, but you sent him a warning look. Dumbledore looked at you for a brief moment, before announcing, "If you have nothing to hide, then you would stay. It is the most logical thing to do right now, to show us, show _me_ , that you haven't gone to the other side, have you, (y/n)?"


	26. Unjust

19th December 1995

"Your thoughts are infiltrating Harry Potter's thoughts. He saw Nagini, the night she attacked the member of the Order. It saved his life."

The man in the black robes shifted, his hand running over his smooth face, thinking. Then, it clenched into a fist, and for a second you considered darting out of the way in case he threw anything towards you, but remained still nonetheless. Hands behind your back, you were standing in front of The Dark Lord while he sat on the long conference table in one of your homes. It was the first time you requested to meet him and not the other way around, and needless to say, he was very pleased with the shift in attitude. 

"Very well. Another thing to consider, then. That Potter boy is full of surprises, isn't he?"

When you continued staring at him, he smiled creepily and continued. "Perhaps it shall come to my advantage, sharing thoughts with him. After all, he is unaware of it, and I was too until you drew the connection. Thank you, you have proven to be very useful tonight."

As the night dragged on and you discussed more reports from the Order back to him, he eventually let you go, and you could not be more glad to be able to finally shut your eyes for the night, even if it was in a spare room at Grimmauld Place. You were completely spent. 

Before you left though, he added on a remark that left the hairs on your skin to stand on end. "I expect you and Bellatrix would be very good friends. You could be the calm for her storm." 

You said nothing, and softly shut the door behind you. 

The inhabitants of Grimmauld Place were just cleaning up after dinner when you arrived, and Molly turned towards you with an extra serving she saved when she saw you. You felt bad for rejecting her then, but you were sure if you spent even one more hour with them, you would pass out in front of their very eyes. 

"Oh, (y/n), you look like you haven't eaten in weeks! Has Severus been starving you at Hogwarts?" She worriedly exclaimed as she approached you, running her hands over your sunken face. 

"He's done worse things than that. That should be the least of your concerns, Molly," Sirius cut in, and you sent him a sharp glare. Remus, who was beside him and chugging down another bottle of Butterbeer, looked to him in confusion. 

"Sirius, not now, please," you begged, and he rolled his eyes and looked away. Though, it did look like he was going to tell Remus right after you left, and you realised that there was no avoiding that. You should expect him to know by the morning. "And thank you, Molly, but I better get some rest. Perhaps I will feel better and wake up in the night to eat?"

She was reluctant, but let you head upstairs to the spare room anyway. When you opened the door and sat yourself down on the bed, though, you realised that there was another one across yours. Discarded chocolate wrappers lay messily on it, along with books opened and dog-eared halfway through the pages. You did not need the final clue of a trunk inscribed with the words _Professor R.J. Lupin_ to know who was to be your roommate then. However, you were too tired to care about sleeping in the same room for tonight, attributing the introduction of a roommate to the fact that the Weasley children were occupying more rooms than Sirius had predicted earlier. So you let your head fall onto the pillow after washing up, and before you knew it, you were already fast asleep. 

20th December 1995

It was sound of flipping pages and wrappers crinkling in the bed adjacent to yours that woke you up. Opening your eyes groggily, the sunlight shining in through the room made you instantly shut them back again, before you rolled to the side to see Remus sitting on the edge of his bed, reading his book and tearing through another chocolate bar hungrily. 

He had not noticed that you were awake, so he jumped and nearly tossed his book in the air when you said, "Chocolate for breakfast, Remus?"

"(y/n), you're awake. You were dead asleep when I came here last night. I was going to explain that there were not enough rooms, so we had to share but—"

"I kind of figured that out, _Professor R.J. Lupin_." You smirked gesturing towards his trunk, and he blushed scarlet as he closed it hurriedly, shoving all his strewn clothes and underwear into it. You giggled when he did so, making his ears turn even redder. "Oh relax, I couldn't care less if you changed in front of me right now."

"Well, it's still awkward! And I'm messy, and you're so clean, so it makes me even more messy in your presence." You watched as he waved his wand to clean up more wrappers off of the small desk and on his bed, and tidied up the books that were laying open on the floor. Then, as he inspected the room, his eyes fell on you, and your left arm. "Did Severus...?"

"No, he did not. This was an old Quidditch injury, recently started hurting again." Though, you subconsciously hid your left arm from his view then, shifting uncomfortably. 

You knew Remus was going to want to broach this topic, and sighing as you got out of the bed, you decided to get it over and done with before it became more awkward for the both of you. Going over to his bed, he cleared the mess on it too before you threw yourself on it, while he sat watching you. "I assume Sirius has told you?"

He looked away."He's not the right one for you, (y/n)."

"But he is, Remus. He is all I have, and he is all I love. I didn't get the chance to inform you or Sirius yesterday, but we are...we've sort of gotten back together."

He raised his eyebrows in alarm, and turned towards you again. "What—how—?"

Skipping the details on it, you only explained to him how sincere the Potions professor was in wanting to make the relationship work again, and how much you, in all your entirety, could not find it in your heart to not forgive him. You knew you had done so even before he came to you, but you just needed the confirmation from your mind then that it was really happening. And the previous day was that confirmation. 

"But still! That seemed really irrational! And you just saw him with the woman entering the hospital that day, what if he was lying?! What if he was—" Remus shot up, but before he could continue, the door to the room creaked open, and Tonks' figure peeked in. At the sight of the both of you on the same bed, though, she stood frozen, feeling as if she were an intruder.

"Should I come back another time?" She asked. 

"No, no, please, come in, Tonks," you reassured her, though Remus was weirdly silent. "We were just having a conversation, nothing more."

"O-oh. I just came to tell you that breakfast is ready. Molly's calling for the both of you," she awkwardly said, keeping her eyes on you and avoiding Remus' gaze entirely. You told her that you would be right down, and as if put out of her misery, she sighed in relief and closed the door. 

Looking incredulously at the man before you, you snickered. He frowned at you, before you answered his silent question. "Tonks is awfully pretty, isn't she, Remus?"

His jaw dropped, and getting the pillow behind his back and throwing it squarely at you, you caught it just in time before he yelled, "Stop reading my mind!"

"It's cute, really. And she's a good person, albeit a little clumsy, but—"

"No, no, I can't be with her. She's young, much younger than I am, and I shouldn't be feeling this way towards her." He shook his head, trying to shake the thoughts out from there. 

"Oh come on, Severus and I have an age gap too, and we work out just fine," Though, it did even more to convince Remus otherwise, and you decided to take a different approach. "If I read that situation earlier correctly, Remus, she seemed quite jealous that I was on your bed, and that formed the tension between the both of you, which tells me that...she feels the same about you too."

24th December 1995

"Will you be coming to Grimmauld Place for Christmas?"

"I don't think that I should."

"Oh come on, Severus, spend it with the Order, spend it with _me_. You're going to be all alone at Hogwarts for Christmas if you don't come!" 

The man hid his face in his long hair again, shaking his head. "They wouldn't want me there. I'll only ruin the mood." 

Your heart ached at the thought of him thinking that he was not welcome anywhere else except for Hogwarts. Even in the time he's spent with the Order, he still felt like an outsider. It killed you inside when you thought about just how many Christmases and birthdays and Thanksgivings he had spent all alone before he met you, and with that came a finality in the decision you came to. "Then I'll stay with you here, at Hogwarts."

"No, don't stay here just for me. They like you, they're going to miss you if you don't spend Christmas with them. They won't miss me." He reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind your ear, as you lay on his chest, still breathing heavily from the hungry, intense session that Severus just initiated. 

"Nonsense. _I'll miss you._ " 

"(y/n)," he prompted you to look up at him, and with your pout, he thumbed his finger over your mouth. "Dumbledore needs you there, to look out for the boy. I'll be fine here."

"It's just one day, and all the other members of the Order will be there as well, he's in good hands. And what's so wrong about wanting to spend Christmas with the one I truly care for? I _want_ to spend it here, with you, and nothing you do will stop me."

Severus sighed. He really did not know how he got so lucky. "It'll be boring. We'll only open presents, then celebrate within ourselves here, in the confines of my room so Umbridge doesn't find out. Do you really want that? When you could have the extravagance of spending Christmas with _a family_ , with the Order? It'll be much better than being stuck with me in this cramped, dark space of the dungeons." 

"I do. I do because the only thing that matters is that I'll be spending it with _you_ , Severus. I couldn't care less on the people or the place where I'll be celebrating if it's not with you." You leaned up to press a kiss to his lips then, and as he chuckled happily and let his hands move lower and lower to initiate another round, you smiled brightly at him too. He was all you ever wanted, all you ever needed, and no Christmas present or celebration could replace the feeling of being with him for your favourite holiday of the year.

25th December 1995

When you woke to, the stack of presents that greeted the small Christmas tree in front of you was staggering. Severus was still snoring softly beside you, and carefully removing his arm from around your waist, you got dressed and began inspecting the presents. Though, your heart fell as you combed through them, and out of about twenty or so presents from your friends, members of the Order, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione, only four were addressed for Severus. Two of them were from you, while the other two were from Lucius Malfoy and Minerva. A sudden feeling of disappointment and hatred crept through you at the manner in which _none_ of the members of the Order had even bothered to send him, a long-time member and one who had they known so well, presents, while they sent you, a new, unfamiliar member whose only difference from Severus was that you were significantly _nicer_ to them, huge boxes of items they decided to gift. 

So carefully ripping off the sender's tags from where they came from on your presents, you shifted some of your own towards Severus' side before he woke up. He would not notice, and for all he knew, it would just be that the both of you had the same number of presents each. 

After another hour, Severus finally dragged his feet on the cold floor, towards the figure of you sitting in front of the fireplace, a mug of hot chocolate in your hands. Accepting the extra one you made for him, he studied the stack of presents carefully. 

"They sent you an awful lot this year," he pointed out. 

"They sent _us_ , you mean," you corrected him, before moving towards the front of the tree and offering him one to unwrap. "Look, I could not find a single sender's tag on any of them, so I guess we'll split if fifty-fifty. Come on, let's open them, Sev." 

"(y/n)."

"If you're just going to keep standing there, I would be opening all _your_ presents too, and do you really want to lose out on that?" You tried to ignore the accusatory tone in his voice.

"(y/n). I know those presents aren't for me." 

"Don't be ridiculous, Severus. They don't even have tags on them—"

"Because you ripped them out." 

You shut your eyes, wondering since when had Severus gotten so difficult. _Why couldn't he just lie to himself, lie to me, that he had gotten presents too? Must he always put himself through this?_ He continued, "I never get presents anyway, so I would know. At best, I would get one or two if Lucius remembers, and Minerva's rather kind to remember gifting me something every year, but other than that and your own presents, I've come to expect nothing. You can't fool me." 

It broke your heart hearing him say that. You never meant to make him feel small or anything less of himself, and you thought that he would feel even worse, seeing you unwrap your many presents while he only had the same few from you, Lucius and Minerva, but his words then felt even more cutting than you ever thought it would. Every Christmas had been the same for him, and it was saddening to hear that he had _gotten used to_ the fact that he should expect no more than one or two presents from the people around him. It was as if he was invisible, no matter how much he had done for others. It was unjust, unfair. 

Taking out your wand then, you shoved all the presents to the far corner of the room in one swipe. Severus raised his eyebrows in confusion, but you stood and took his hands in yours before he could ask anything. "Then neither of them shall be for us. Except for my present for you, and your present for me, nothing else matters, Severus. I don't care about presents from anyone else, and let's not think about this right now. Shall we go get breakfast and spend the rest of our day in the snow?" 

He allowed you to lead him out of his quarters and into the Great Hall, where, thankfully, Umbridge had not appeared at. She had gone home for the holidays, which was a stroke of luck for the both of you as you relished in that happy little bubble that you shared once more, without the disturbance of anyone else. And after you were done, he swept you away onto the snowy grounds outside, at one point carrying you bridal style until you were laughing so hard and he was smiling so widely that you were sure anyone who was staying behind at Hogwarts would be notified of the both of you. Severus could not remember when the last time he allowed himself to be happy at the sight of your own beautiful smile, your smile reserved only for him, and the happiness written all over your face as you spent the whole of Christmas with him. It was just the two of you, with no family members, no friends, no one to disturb the bubble, but Severus could not have felt more joy than he did that day.

However, nothing perfect could last that long, and the man cursed so loudly when his Dark Mark started to burn that it startled you. He gave you an apologetic look, but you smiled in response and kissed him softly on the cheek. You understood his struggle, and he could not be more thankful for that. _Be safe,_ you reminded him, before he left the room the both of you were in then, and set out of Hogwarts. 

You, on the other hand, knew that Severus would be gone for several days at least, and with Christmas cut short for you, you knew it was better to return to Grimmauld Place earlier. Perhaps you could still celebrate a little with the members there, though, that did not seem the slightest bit appealing with how your morning went. But all your items were still in the spare room of Sirius' house, so getting onto the train and setting out towards London again, you did not stop until you were informed that the members were at St Mungo's, and headed there instead. 

Though, when you reached the steps of the hospital, you were greeted with the exact same scene Severus had told you about. The woman, the woman who looked like Lily, was once again crying on the steps, only this time, she was clutching a pot plant of some sort, with a bow tied around it. 

"Christmas gift for someone?" You approached her, and she jumped when she heard your voice. You did not know what compelled you to do so, but in the spirit of Christmas and because you felt a slight tinge of pity towards her, you decided to go to her anyway. 

"T-this?" She gestured towards the plant.

"I don't see anything else that could be a gift." You shrugged, and she turned even redder.

"Y-yeah, it's a gift, I guess. One of my...my relatives ended up here," she replied, though her eyes were looking anywhere but yours. 

"I'm sorry. Are you hesitating on gifting it to them?" 

"What? No, no, it's just...I don't know if it's the right thing to do." Her voice was small as you helped her stand, walking alongside her through the entrance of the hospital. 

"Gifting presents is always the right thing to do. It's the nicest thing to do, in the spirit of Christmas. You shouldn't hesitate about these sort of things. I know some people that don't even receive gifts at all, and what a horrible thing it is, isn't it?" You smiled at her before you parted, and although her eyes were still teary and her face was full of anxiousness, she nodded at you anyway, as if trying to convince herself that what you said was true. 

"T-that's right. Right thing to do..." She muttered softly, before she disappeared at the fourth landing of the staircase, approaching double doors that had the signpost _SPELL DAMAGE_ marked onto the corridor.


	27. The Invisible String

2nd January 1996

Starting the new year with a day of meetings at the Ministry was surely not a good way to commence the year. As you sat beside Lucius Malfoy and across from Cornelius Fudge, with Umbridge just a few seats away from you, you could not dream of wanting to be anywhere near these people, but you still had another hour stuck in that stuffy room with the stuffy bookcases and stuffy chairs, and all you could do was imagine the freedom you would enjoy after the meeting to get you through it. Furthermore, thoughts of the looming Azkaban break that you had been in charge of planning was draining your energy more than ever, and you were already very nervous for perhaps what would be the biggest event in your Death Eater career thus far.

"So how is Hogwarts coming along, with the new Defence Against the Dark Arts curriculum? I assume the students are under the influence of Dumbledore and his unorthodox teaching methods no longer?" Fudge turned towards you, and you were about to answer, broken out of your thoughts when Umbridge cleared her throat. 

"It is going—"

"I think, he was asking _me_ , Umbridge," you cut her off, and she smiled at you, but her eyes told a whole different story. It was enough that she bootlicked the hell out of the man at Hogwarts, so to see her performing such acts even at the Ministry was torturous. Not to mention her pink robes and hat were the only things that stood out awkwardly in the room, which was a complete eyesore for everyone there. 

"Very well then, Professor (l/n). But do remember that I am the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts, and only I have the complete information of how things are _really_ going at that wretched school."

You balled your fists under the table, and Lucius hid a snicker behind his smirk, before he felt a sharp kick to his right foot. 

But you almost forgot about the hell of the day you had at the Ministry when you returned to Grimmauld Place that night, and met Severus just as he was about to walk up the steps of the house too. He had been waiting for you, and with him, he brought along a chocolate frog that made you smile shyly at the gesture. 

"You really are trying to fatten me up. I should have known," you said through a mouthful of the candy, and Severus planted a kiss to the crown of your hair as he walked up the steps with you, one arm around your waist. 

"Dumbledore told me you were at the Ministry all day. I couldn't have imagined the kind of day you must have had. I wanted to make it a little better for you." He stopped right outside the door, holding your face in his hands as he, too, softened at the look of you. He smoothened the slight crinkles on your grey robes and took the wrapper from your hands as you continued to take bites out of the chocolate frog. 

"It was already a lot better when I saw you," you replied. Severus' face turned scarlet, and noticing the drop in temperature suddenly, he took off his favourite Slytherin green scarf and wrapped it around your neck. Then, it was your turn to stop chewing momentarily, as you hid your face in the warm fabric so that he could not see just how red you had gotten, for it was not just from the cold. Severus felt like he was falling in love all over again. 

"Are you two going to enter the house, or what?" You broke eye contact when Moody's scratchy voice interrupted the moment, and behind him, hid Remus and Tonks. Tonks was looking away in embarrassment at having caught the both of you in such a intimate moment, while Remus was obviously hiding his disdain for the black-haired man for you, but Moody seemed indifferent. He shoved past the both of you to the house, where a warm welcome and an even warmer atmosphere welcomed him in. It was starkly different when you and Severus entered after, where many avoided Severus' eyes altogether while they greeted you. You tried to include him in a few conversations, but he too, seemed reluctant to participate anyway, and waited in the dining hall until it was time for him to give the report. Everyone, even Molly, who was about the nicest person you knew in the Order, agreed with him on this, and did not try to include him as well.

You had never felt more disappointed with the members of the Order than you did then.

5th January 1996

"Exactly one week to our Azkaban break. I trust everyone is ready, everyone is prepared?" The mask was prohibiting a few of your words to be drawled out clearly, but the flurry of nods all around you was enough reassurance that they had heard what you said. "We have been planning this for as long as we can remember. We will be reunited with our old friends again, some of you, your family members again as well. Do this well, nothing should go wrong." 

Truth be told, you were nervous yourself. As head of the group tasked to break out the prisoners of Azkaban, you felt once more that it was The Dark Lord playing some sick joke on you, manipulating you like Dumbledore was manipulating you, setting you up for failure. But you were determined, you were going to prove yourself to him and establish that you were worthy to be under his wing. 

The group got back to discussing on more details for their individual roles for the next week, and you felt your mother's eyes never leaving yours, even as you leaned back and tried to hide behind Lucius Malfoy. You had been avoiding talking to her for so long, and you could not imagine the disappointment and fear she was feeling then, to see her daughter finally transformed into the monster she so feared she would be. 

"We expect nothing less. Meticulous planning, down to the very grimy details of everything, The Dark Lord was right to have picked his _little Ravenclaw._ " A voice to your left said out loud, and you just knew the woman's skin was crawling at the mention of The Dark Lord's nickname for you.

11th January 1996

On the morning of the very last day of the holidays, Dumbledore had informed you and Severus of the proposed plan to teach Harry Occlumency. You had seen it coming, of course, with how worried he was when he found out the same time you did about the boy's connection with The Dark Lord, so you could not say you were surprised when he enlisted the help of the best Legilimens the Order had. You, on the other hand, you had gotten fairly competent with Occlumency, but you had only practised it for less than a year under The Dark Lord, whereas Severus had been an accomplished practitioner for far longer. _To ensure that the two of them do not kill each other, and for Harry to at least have someone to motivate him to continue should Severus and him have a row,_ the Headmaster mentioned, but you knew it was just him guilt-tripping and relinquishing his hold over you by appealing to your fondness for the boy. 

"It won't be that bad."

"It will be."

"We'll be taking turns. You'll only have him on alternate weeks, Severus."

The man sighed loudly, leaning back into his chair in the kitchen as he ran his hands through his hair. You stopped him from doing so, claiming it would get it messy, but he refused. He was very much not looking forward to it, and he would have straight up refused Dumbledore's request if not for you convincing it was for Harry's own good. Now, though, you knew he was having very strong second thoughts. _Just you watch, he is going to be as horrible as I told you he will be, if not worse,_ he kept saying on your journey to the house. 

Molly could be heard calling out for him upstairs, and you laid your hand over Severus' comfortingly. He gripped it tightly in return, and mentally prepared himself for the terse conversation he was about to have. Sirius, who was sitting on the other side of the table, refused to look anywhere near Severus, as if he were vermin that infiltrated his house. He had not been speaking to you either, after you had just so conveniently forgave the man, and you made another mental note to confront him on it later on. Tapping his fingers impatiently on the table, Sirius looked like he was going to attack the man beside you any minute. 

Harry entered with a very pale face, his hands shaking. But when he saw that you and Sirius were at least there to accompany him, he visibly relaxed, though not a lot, seeing that Severus was still glaring at him fiercely. 

"Sit down, Potter." 

"You know," said Sirius loudly, leaning back on his rear chair legs and speaking to the ceiling, "I think I'd prefer it if you didn't give orders here, Snape. It's my house, you see."

You cleared your throat even louder, smiling at Harry as convincingly as you could. "I think, what Sirius meant to say was, Harry, that we are all here in your best interests. Please, sit down, Professor Snape and I have to leave very soon."

With a _good_ muttered from Sirius at the other end, Harry sat down beside him and looked straight at you. Severus began the meeting off with the offhand mention of how the both of you were supposed to be the only ones to see him, but with Sirius quipping him with the godparent card and Severus biting back with an equally petty remark mentioning Sirius' need to feel a sense of involvement to contributing to the Order, you knew you were getting nowhere if you did not step in. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius got up abruptly, as the chair crashed behind him with a loud bang. You cringed, and wordlessly got it to stand again before shoving it under Sirius so he would sit back down.

"Boys, remember the purpose of this meeting, yes?" Only with your reminder and with a tight squeeze around Severus' hand, did he calm down. Harry shot a look towards your intertwined hands, and you spotted a hint of hatred and jealousy behind those eyes that you tried hard to ignore. The man beside you began explaining, and through sharp remarks thrown in here and there at the boy and an equally disappointing frown growing on his face as Severus spoke, you could not say that he was taking the news too well. 

"Who's going to be teaching me?" He asked, already regretting agreeing to come down at Molly's request.

"We will. Professor Snape and I will alternate on the weeks we will be teaching you, though you should expect to see more of him than me, since I will be gone for some of the weeks as well. Nothing to worry, though, should you ever need help, you can come to me or him anytime. Right, Severus?"

The Potions professor rolled his eyes. "Just her. You are only to meet me at our stipulated time. I do not enjoy spending more time with you than what is required."

"Neither do I," Harry said under his breath, and Sirius chuckled. 

When the both of you got up to leave, however, Sirius _just had_ to end Severus' already very exhausting morning by provoking him. As he pulled the man aside to speak to him, you took the opportunity to usher Harry outside, but he was adamant on staying on Sirius' side. In a split second of their spat, Sirius had pushed his chair roughly aside and started pulling out his wand as he approached Severus. Severus, in return, did not back down, and whipped out his own. _What the hell..._

"Severus! What do you think you're doing?!" You let go of Harry and saw the calculative look in Severus' eyes once more, as if he was already plotting on how to kill the man in front of him. The two exchanged scalding replies, and at the mention of Severus being used as a lapdog for Lucius Malfoy, an insecurity of his, was when you came in between the two, facing Sirius with a fiery gaze. 

"Back off, Sirius," you said, while pushing Severus' own wand down. Severus allowed himself to strike Sirius with another insult again, and the man looked livid.

"At least I don't _cheat_ on my wife and only come begging back to her feet when I've realised that no one else _wants_ me, _Snivellus!_ "

Severus took a moment for the words to settle in, and you knew Sirius had hit a particularly sore spot. "What...did...you...say?"

"Was losing Lily not enough for you, that you had to cheat on your wife with her lookalike? Did you think it would bring her back, by sleeping with that woman? Or do you need to lose the only two women who _felt sorry_ for you in your life to finally make you realise that you are nothing but Dumbledore's toy in the Order? You know nobody here likes you anyway, save for him, and you are only with us because you are useful to Dumbledore! Perhaps you might have also mistaken your wife's sympathy for love, Snivellus? Because who could ever _love_ someone like you!"

"EXPELLIAR—" But you beat Severus to it, as you muttered the words _Crucio_ in your head. The man in front of you immediately screamed out in pain, his wand clattering to the ground beside him as he crumpled. Harry let out a gasp of horror, while Sirius' hands flew to his head, trying to stop the pain tearing through him. You were staring intently at the man, your heart weirdly beating very fast in excitement, knowing The Dark Lord would have been proud to watch this scene unfolding, until you felt Severus back away behind you. Upon feeling him shift, as fast as that dark sensation came over you, it was gone, and suddenly you realised what you had just did. 

_Merlin._ You stopped the Curse, and Sirius continued crying out in agony until the aftershocks of the pain finally faded, and Harry dared touch him again. He ran his hands over Sirius' face to ensure he was fine, while the man panted heavily, beads of perspiration decorating his forehead. 

"What..." But the door to the kitchen suddenly slammed open before the sentence could be finished, and the very happy Weasley family, along with Hermione, strolled in. Arthur Weasley cheered joyfully as he exclaimed about his recovery, but it was cut short when they all finally noticed the scene in front of them. Like a film scene cut abruptly, their expressions drastically changed at the sight of Sirius crumpled on the floor with Harry beside him, and you holding down Severus' wand as the man continued glaring at Sirius with a murderous look in his eyes. 

Arthur Weasley was the first one to break the silence, and upon noticing the crowd, Severus instinctively kept his wand, and with an arm slung around your waist, swept the both of you past the family in quick strides. He chose not to speak to them, not to acknowledge them at all, with only his grip on your waist tightening as a sign that he knew what was going on. Everyone stared at the two of you as Severus practically dragged you along with him, before he stopped abruptly, as if remembering something. 

"Six o'clock, Monday evening, Potter."

Severus only spoke when the both of you had safely disapparated back to Hogsmeade, where you made the long journey up to the castle. You knew the thoughts were storming in his head, and you yearned to read them, but you held yourself back until he chose to speak to you. And you were not very keen on when he chose to do that, either. 

Safe from the villagers of Hogsmeade and students of Hogwarts, Severus turned to you, his expression a mixture of hurt and confusion. "Why did you do that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." You brushed past him to continue walking, still seething from what Sirius said earlier. 

He grabbed your hand, forcing you to face him. "(y/n). You performed the Cruciatus Curse on him."

"I did not."

"DON'T LIE TO ME!" His voice suddenly rose, as he shook you and roared. You stumbled back in fear, and he instantly realised his mistake. "You cannot lie to me, I know what someone being hit with a Cruciatus Curse looks like. And that was exactly it. That's... you’re looking at a life imprisonment in Azkaban, (y/n), if they find out..."

"They won't find out!" You replied as fiercely, not understanding why he was so upset that you defended him earlier. Was he not grateful, that you stood up for him? "And even if they do, the Dementors are not going to be there anyway, The Dark Lord has convinced them to join our side!"

Severus blinked. " _Our_ side?" 

You faltered, your mouth opening and closing. You should not have slipped that out in a moment of anger. Severus let go of you and asked, "(y/n), what do you mean, _our_ side?"

"Severus, have you never thought of..." You swallowed, scrunching your eyes shut and shaking your head. "...Have you never thought of joining _his_ side once and for all? The safer side? The winning side?"

"What are you talking about?" Severus' voice was laced in disbelief. "How could you say such a thing?"

"Dumbledore is using us, you cannot deny this. He is manipulating you to spy for him, he is using your past against you, he forced you to stay in that toxic headspace for so long, he made you think that the worst was _what you deserved_ , Sev. He made you believe that no one loved you, and that he was your only light in the dark. He got you to be reliant on only him, for his own needs. Can't you see that you've been manipulated to serve Dumbledore, Severus?"

The man took a step back, his eyes searching yours. "What's happened to you?! Why are you...(y/n), The Dark Lord is trying to _cleanse_ the world, killing innocent lives so that only the pure-bloods will be in control! How could you stand for something like that!"

"Is that such a bad thing? He told me he would make the world a safe place for us, Severus, he would," You reached out for his hands, and he sharply pulled them away. "He would let us live out the rest of our lives in peace after this war, in a purer world. We could get married, start a family, and grow old together if we go to his side. He said that Dumbledore was going to dispose of us the moment he wins the war, because who would want _Death Eaters_ like us if The Dark Lord loses, Severus? We would be sent to Azkaban, or killed, no matter how much we have done for the man. Is it so wrong to want to live in a clean world, eliminated of _Mudbloods_ and Muggles that make this place a place of suffering for us? You said it yourself, Severus, you want this world to only be for us, then why not make it a reality? Join me, and we can make it real."

He shook his head, gulping loudly. Then, gathering all his courage to embrace you again, he pulled you into his arms and engulfed you tightly, as if that would take back all the words you just said, making them a figment of his imagination. He pressed his lips to your temple, but when you looked up at him, smiling expectantly for him to say yes, to join you once and for all, he only looked down at you sadly. 

"But (y/n), you forgot that _I_ am not of your kind. I am a half-blood, with a Muggle father. I, too, would be wiped out in your cleanse of this world."


	28. Azkaban

13th January 1995

Harry was on his way to find you, for the first day back at school was already exhausting for him, and he wanted nothing more than to tell you all about it and curl up in your comfortable armchairs with a cup of tea in his hand. But then his footsteps faltered when he remembered just how exactly you had left him earlier, and how Sirius' brain had been too muddled from whatever you did to him to remember what happened for a while. He blamed it all on Snape, because had he not provoked Sirius further, you would not have had to step in, had he not forced you to be there with him, you would not have done that to Sirius, had he not been with you...

The boy was walking through the dungeons, shivering slightly. Determined to get to your room with a whole other purpose of visiting you then, he was stopped when he suddenly heard voices, very loud voices from the room across from yours, down the hall. They were coming from Snape's room. 

"You have gotten greedy, too greedy, (y/n)! You cannot keep going on like this!" That was Snape's unmistakeable voice, while a female voice battled him back. It was yours.

"And you have gotten soft! Please, Severus, please see where I am coming from! I am doing this for us!"

"I don't _want_ you to do this for us! You are betraying _him_ , for a promise that may not even be real, (y/n)!" Snape was shouting, and Harry balled his fists in anger at the thought of him doing that to you. 

"Why, why can't you see that all I could ever want is happiness for us? We haven't been happy in so long, Severus, and now with an opportunity like this given to us, it's as if you are refusing happiness altogether! Why—"

"Because this happiness comes at a heavy cost! I...we made a promise, (y/n), we cannot break that! You have much more to gain than I do in this deal he made you, and you know it! I would rather have to break up with you than do this, because what you are asking for is impossible, _my love!_ " 

Harry heard you take a deep breath, and he pressed even closer to the wall. Even he knew Snape had said something very scalding to you. "Nice. Very nice, Severus."

"(y/n), you know what I mean," Snape begged.

"I do." Then, Harry heard your footsteps approach the door, and his heart leapt to his throat as he quickly ducked into the shadows. "I don't have time for this. I'm leaving... _very big night tonight."_

"(y/n) if you walk out the door right now—" But Snape never got to finish that sentence, as with one quick, deafening slam, you had walked right out. Harry had never seen you look more frustrated, and tears were beginning to spill from your eyes. He yearned to just approach you and ask what happened, but he had a sickening feeling you were not going to be willing to tell him. Sighing loudly, you began the journey back to your own room, shutting the door tightly. Harry deemed it safe to come out of his hiding spot, and taking out the Invisibility Cloak that he could not reach in his bag earlier, he put it on and something told him to wait outside of your room. 

Sure enough, after about twenty minutes in there, you were right back out. This time, though, you were wearing your travelling cloak, and a bag thrown over your shoulders. He wondered where you were headed to this early in the evening. Dinner had barely just ended. But then you stepped dangerously close to him, and Harry caught his breath as you suddenly winced, and rubbed a spot on your left arm as you walked. He struggled to catch up with you, and in the second he took to catch his breath and try to see where you were headed to, you were gone. You had slipped into a hidden hallway, or door of some sort, completely invisible to the boy, and escaped him. Groaning, he felt his heart drumming wildly against his chest as he processed what he just saw and heard.

Going to your spot right at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, far from Hagrid's Hut and where any other wizard could see you, you shut your eyes, and apparated. It seemed surreal to think of _Azkaban_ as the destination you were going for when you apparated, but as your stomach tugged and you were brought into that slightly uncomfortable state of travelling in time to the shore nearby, you shook the thoughts out of your head. The group was already waiting for you, all with their masks on and the Muggle-born wizards that were under their Imperius Curses rounded in a daze in front of them. Your mother's distinguishable mask was staring straight at you, and you quickly looked away. 

"Have you got the Thestrals, McNair?" You asked, and the short man behind the cloak chortled in an unnerving manner, before bringing forth the leashed creatures. Previously, when you suggested the use of Thestrals to travel to the island itself, it was because you were positive that you would not have to see them, in their terrifying forms, to ride them. But then, as you stared back into the skeletal bodies of the winged horses, you were reminded once more of the house-elf that you watched die in front of your very eyes. 

Swallowing your doubts, you led the group to each of their respective Thestrals, before kicking off and rising high into the air. The Thestrals flew so fast and with so much agility that you had to hold on even harder than usual to its restraints, because it felt very much more complicated than flying on a broom. And as you turned around to watch several of the other Death Eaters nearly falling off their own Thestrals as well, you were suddenly very glad that you were better than most at flying. It would have been very embarrassing to be inadequate at any task when you were supposed to be the one leading them.

The group shivered when they landed on the island, greeting the Dementors as the first thing they saw when their feet touched the grounds. It was a shiver of fear, not from the cold, you were quite sure. Stepping forward as bravely as you could, you led the first Muggle-born up with you, and as the terrifying creature in front of her appeared, even under the Imperius Curse, she was screaming and begging for you to let her go. But then, as if its lips could curl into a smile, the Dementor opened its mouth widely, and began feeding on her happiness. You sucked in a breath as she struggled, and then as the other Dementors watched the scene unfold, it appeared enough to convince them of the payment you prepared in exchange for the one hour your group had to break out the prisoners inside. 

The rest of the Muggle-borns were then released from their holds, and the Dementors began flying above in large groups, shrieking excitedly at the sight of fresh souls for them to devour. You nodded towards the group, and casting a charm that broke the giant doors down from the main entrance of the prison, you entered. 

Azkaban was even more depressing and soul-sucking than you could have ever expected. As you ran along the dark, musty hallways, past prisoner cells and sidestepping vermin and bones that you did not wish to know where they came from, you realised that you had not even heard one inmate calling out to you. The Dementors must have been particularly hungry upon your arrival, as the sunken, depressed faces of every inmate that you ran past only followed you with their eyes, not having the strength to call out. It sent chills to your heart, but you gripped your wand tighter as you did, trying not to focus on them as you tried finding the one inmate you were tasked to break out first. 

Cells were being opened left and right behind you, as the other Death Eaters reunited with their old friends and family, though some could be heard only dragging out bodies as well. You continued on, past the several dead bodies you witnessed as you got deeper and deeper into the prison, past the human remains, and past the very terrifying splashes of blood on the walls. It seemed the further you went in, the further the state of despair seemed to have settled. 

Finally, you got to the exact location The Dark Lord had instructed you earlier. It was a maximum security cell, and you saw no other than one prisoner there. Her cheeks were hollowed and the traces of familial beauty you knew the Blacks were known for were gone, as you stared back at the long, wiry-haired and skeletally thin woman in front of you. It was unmistakeable that it was Bellatrix Lestrange. 

She was laying on her side, smiling to herself about something. You found it disturbing, considering all the prisoners of Azkaban you knew of lost their capability to smile the moment they stepped foot into the prison, but Bellatrix was no ordinary witch. You should have known that. Still, it felt like you were looking in awe at a person you had yearned to see for so long, in flesh and bone. Not knowing what compelled you to take off your mask then, you were determined to see her with no barriers between the two of you. 

The cell rattled with the creepiest, most horrifying sound as you pulled the gate open with your wand. Even with the aid of magic, it was incredibly heavy, the enchantments and protective charms around it nearly impossible to navigate around. The woman looked up at you when the gates began opening, and as if something else entirely filled her eyes, she began laughing manically at the sight of you. 

" _Hadriana!_ You haven't aged a day." Her voice was sending chills down your spine, but you focused on getting the gate wide enough for her to crawl out before you would speak to her. She grinned at you, and when the opening was there, she accepted your hand gratefully as you helped her stand. Her touch was cold and her hands incredibly thin as they wrapped around your wrist. 

"I knew he would rise again, I have waited for this moment for far too long," she said, as you slung one of her arms around your shoulder, and began helping her walk slowly out of the maximum security area. Sirius had mentioned to you before how she was _crazy_ , erratic and incredibly unpredictable, and you never regarded him as truthful because of his prejudice of her, but right then, as the woman suddenly turned towards you and forcibly pressed her lips to your cheek as a mutter of thanks tumbled out of her mouth, you felt yourself trying to hold back from recoiling. 

"I am not her. I am her daughter," you corrected her, and her eyebrows lifted in a pleasant surprise. 

"Ah, (y/n). I always knew you would come over to our side, I claimed it even before your parents refused to believe it. You had it in your eyes since the first day I met you."

You stared at her, and she smiled at you. She was missing a few teeth, and she looked deranged, but you still managed to see the faint traces of the powerful Bellatrix in the woman before you. She had put so much faith and trust in you, allowing you to break her out of her cell, holding her because she was too weak to stand properly on her own, you felt your heart beating very fast at the thought of just having to work with her in the near future. It was honourable, to be in the company of Bellatrix Lestrange. 

And all too soon, your moment with her was over. A loud blast from the right side of the prison got you to swiftly put on your mask again, as your grip around the woman got tighter. Moving as fast as you could and weaving in and out of the cells and corridors back to the main entrance, it seemed for a little while that all you could hear in the air was the sound of your ragged breathing against your mask. You would have expected screams, sounds of duelling, sounds of the building crumbling by then, but no such signal came. It was making you worried. 

But the moment you stepped one foot out of the door of the prison, your questions as to why it had been so quiet were answered. The duels had been going on _outside_. You made eye contact with your mother, who was currently facing off a very small Auror, and as you studied the scene, you understood why no one had went to get you. The Aurors were clearly unmatched, all due to the fact that of course, Cornelius Fudge refused to admit that the threat of an Azkaban break was real. You trusted the group that they could handle the Aurors, and began on the path where the Thestrals were waiting. 

Bellatrix stiffened as you helped her up the Thestrals, and you were just about to fasten the restraints on the creature when a sharp blast from your side suddenly appeared, and you had no time to react before it knocked you off of your feet and sent you hurtling towards the ground. Your whole face felt like it had just been punched by a giant, as you fixed your mask and looked at your attacker. 

It was a member of the Order. You could not remember his name, or how he came to the Order in itself, but you distinctly remembered him being there for meetings and seeing his face in the crowd whenever you were delivering reports for the Order.

"Dumbledore was right! Dumbledore knew your kind were breaking out the prisoners! If only we had more—" He stared wistfully at his losing comrades behind, all being driven to their deaths, and you used the opportunity to get him to fall backwards with the Knockback Jinx. He got up as quickly as you did, and it was only then that you noticed how good he was at duelling. With every charm you cast at him, he deflected it back as quickly, and soon enough, you were backed into the edge of the island, far away from everyone else.

Bellatrix's voice rang through the air. "Kill him! What are you waiting for? KILL HIM!"

 _How could I kill another wizard? That is insane._ Though, the man was not giving you much choice, as he continued casting attacking charms at you too, with one blasting you in the face so hard again that you knew it was bloody and bruised. Your body was growing tired, and he did not show indication of stopping anytime soon. 

_No, I cannot do it. I cannot do that spell._ Another blast that you did not deflect fast enough, then a swift cut to your side, and then a jinx that knocked you so far away that Bellatrix's yells even seemed distant then. You were on the very edge of falling into the sea, and you knew if you did, you would not be able to make it back up. You were doomed. 

His own face was hidden behind his mop of hair, though beads of perspiration clung to it, while his chest heaved heavily. Standing over you, he cast for coils to wrap around your arms, and you winced as they dug deeper. Finally, he reached out to take out your mask, but the gasp that left his mouth when he saw your face was enough distraction for you to free your left arm. 

"Severus' wife..."

 _Kill him. Save yourself, kill him._ This time, it was a different voice that sounded in your head. It was not yours, it was foreign, raspy, it was _The Dark Lord's_. You knew it was over then. You could not stand up to his commands. 

A flash of green light. A distinct clanging of a metal mask hitting the ground. An incantation of _Avada Kedavra_ that complemented so well with Bellatrix Lestrange's maniacal laughing in the background and the thundering rain that beat heavily upon everyone's backs.

His voice filled your head again. _Finally, my little Ravenclaw._


	29. Occlumency

14th January 1996

In the wee hours of the night, when most of the inhabitants of Hogwarts were asleep and only the ghosts and prefects on duty were out and about in the castle, no one would have expected for you and Severus to still be wide awake. The both of you were in his rooms, after you returned to him, stumbling over your own feet and tripping on your travelling cloak with every few steps that you took. You had casted a charm to hide your bruised and bleeding face from late-night wanderers in the school, and at first Severus thought that you were fine, that you had returned unscathed from whatever it was you were attending to, but his sharp gasp and widened eyes gave away his shock when the charm wore off. 

He wanted to berate you initially, for getting yourself injured in yet another mission, but when he saw your tear-stricken face and when you fell straight into his arms, sobbing, as soon as you stepped into his room, the words died in his throat. You allowed him to carry you carefully across his quarters, right until he settled you down on the armchair in front of his fireplace. 

Severus knew that Death Eater missions and tasks were never easy. Most times he had to really ask himself if what he was doing was really _worth it_ , especially when he witnessed death and torture amongst the innocent. He knew the feeling of despair all too well, so to witness the person he loved most subject to that feeling as well, was even more heartbreaking for him.

All he could do, was softly stroke your hair and mumble words of reassurances in your ear until you calmed down enough to tell him what had happened. He studied the beatings you had taken to your face, and wordlessly summoning healing potions and medications, he carefully poured some onto his hands and rubbed it onto your face. It stung heavily, and you hissed and pulled away from him to try to stand, but he dragged you back down. 

"Shh, it's okay, you're here with me now. You're safe, my love, and let _me_ take care of you." Severus knew it was almost like history was repeating itself. When you let your walls down and succumbed to his coos to patch you up, Severus heaved a sigh of relief as he worked through your wounds and bruises, until all that remained were their faded marks and a small scar under your jaw that he was sure would heal in no time. 

You had stopped crying, though now you were staring straight at the fireplace, refusing to look at him. He laid his head in the crook of your neck, and looked up towards you. "You don't have to, but I promise you will feel a lot better if you tell me what happened."

Severus saw a flicker of guilt and hurt flash in your eyes, and he instantly regretted his words. Had he pushed too far? He knew he had never been one to be able to handle these kinds of things well, so he did not know if he had pushed the boundaries and broke them with you. You were stewing in your own self-hatred and guilt, so to feel Severus' gentle, loving touch on you felt like something you were undeserving of, especially considering the fact that he had just thrown away his frustration regarding the previous argument and chose to take care of you first. Telling him was the least you could do. 

"I did something bad."

"You can still tell me, you know I could never judge you," Severus said, knowing he was not the perfect person himself.

"I set Bellatrix Lestrange free." 

He paused, wondering if you had made a mistake, but nodded still. _She is probably still in shock, doesn't realise she just said that._

"And I killed someone. I used the Killing Curse, Severus." You turned towards him with tears threatening to spill from your eyes again, and you nearly lost it when you felt his hands disappear from around you. _This is it. This is the breaking point for him, where he will finally leave me once and for all._ You mentally prepared yourself for him to scream at you for what you had done, for him to insist that you get out of his room and report you straight to Dumbledore, where he will find out about where your loyalties lie and send you straight into Azkaban for the rest of your life. You would never see anyone you loved ever again, you would never see _him_ again.

Instead, he only moved his hands to pull you closer to him, where you cried out and tried to be released from his strong hold, but he held on tighter. It almost felt like he was trying to suffocate you, to push out the horrible things that had just been said from you and return the you he knew and loved. You had changed so much, into something he could not even recognise, and you were sure that if you had been in his position, you would have left yourself right then and there. 

"I know our relationship is still very much confusing and would be better off unlabelled, my love, but I would like to think that the vows I made when we were getting married last year still hold true in my heart. And you are my wife, and I promised to never leave, no matter how hard things get between us. You stood by me and helped me out of my darkness so many times before, it is only right that I do that for you too now."

"Severus, I don't know if you can help me out of this. I may have fallen too far, I don't see a point of return for me anymore."

"You shouldn't say such things, of course there is a point of return for you. Or have you forgotten that I was just like you in the first Wizarding War, my love? I know all too well what is like for you now...and I know, how much you need my love and support right now. Merlin knows I needed it so badly then, and had someone been there for me, I never would have fallen so deeply into my mess as well."

You pressed yourself against his figure, as he allowed himself to caress your face. "You shouldn't have to do this, for me. You should have let me go the first chance you got, let me die, if not by the Ministry's hands, by _his_ hands. I don't...I cannot keep living like this anymore." 

"You can and you have to. And while you are at it, I will be with you, every step of the way. You will always have me, and I hope with everything I have that I will always have you. I am never leaving you, you know, so if you are going to die, you are going to have to take me with you," Severus corrected, a frown forming into his face at the thought of just how much self-hatred you had for yourself then. It was true, this was not the you he met all those years ago as the new, young, Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. The you then was confident, cocky, and slightly arrogant from your previous success as a professional Quidditch player. The you then would never have hesitated to stand for what was right, disregarding everything that felt remotely evil to you because that was what had estranged your parents from you, and the you then was not fragile, no, you were headstrong and took everything in your stride with no fear in your bones. But as Severus had come to realise, the you then had not faced the horrors of just what Hogwarts had to offer, what The Dark Lord had to offer, what _Severus_ had to offer. Had he unintentionally contributed to your demise, had he broken you, by making you his? Just the thought of that made his soft touches on you falter, but he swallowed his fears as he held you again. You helped put him back together, but he was the one that broke you into pieces instead. If you had never met him, you would never have turned out like this, you would never have been subject to the darkness the world had thrust into you, and you would not be in his arms then, telling him death was a better option than living as your world fell apart in front of your very eyes.

Perhaps, it was Severus who had been the selfish one, to keep holding onto you like this.

Sure enough, in the morning as Severus went to breakfast without you, the owl that you had enlisted to send you the _Daily Prophet_ flew towards him and dropped the newspaper right in front of him. He had not even had the chance to pick up the newspaper when sharp gasps from the students right below him told him that something had definitely gone very, very wrong.

_MASS BREAKOUT FROM AZKABAN MINISTRY FEARS BLACK IS 'RALLYING POINT' FOR OLD DEATH EATERS_

The man nearly dropped the roll of newspaper he had just picked up. _So it was true._ He skimmed through the names of the escaped prisoners, _Antonin Dolohov, Augustus Rookwood,_ and finally, the name he had been dreading most, _Bellatrix Lestrange._

Dumbledore and Minerva were beside him, deep in conversation, but all Severus could do then was grip the paper tighter and tighter as he continued reading through the words in front of him. And then his blood ran cold at the sight of the following article. 

_TRAGIC DEMISE OF MINISTRY OF MAGIC WORKER_

"An Unspeakable, Severus. They're getting bolder and bolder," Minerva said to him, and he nodded disbelievingly. 

"Yes, yes they are." 

When Severus returned to his quarters to bring you breakfast later, he discovered that you too, had your eyes fixed on a copy of the newspaper as you sat up on his bed. He did not know whether he should speak first. 

Thankfully, you saved him the trouble. "It wasn't Bode I killed." 

"I know."

"But still," You rubbed your eyes, "It's all fuzzy now that I try to remember. I remembered killing someone, ending their life, but the details...who it was, what they were doing, it's all become unclear to me. Is it supposed to feel that way?"

When Severus kept silent for longer than was appropriate, you sighed and stood up. Ignoring the plate of breakfast in his hands, you got to the door. The man tried to stop you, but then you rolled up your sleeve and showed the quickly darkening Dark Mark on your arm. "He's calling."

Severus regretted that he did not have the opportunity to tell you just what he had to say. 

15 January 1996

Once again, as Harry approached the dungeons for his second Occlumency lesson that term, he was stopped in his tracks by the sounds of you and Severus arguing inside his office. He shut his eyes as hard as he could, hoping he could block out the noise, but failed to do so.

"Severus, I have to tell him."

"No, you don't! I can help you, I can get you out of this, you just need to trust me. Please, give me a chance to help you."

"I'm endangering you! This...I don't know what I am anymore. The more I try to think, the more I start to realise that I am losing myself. I am no longer doing this for you anymore, I..." You drifted off, suddenly remembering something. Harry prepared himself. 

"Come in, Harry." It was you who opened the door for him, and if you knew that he had overheard part of your conversation earlier, you were not showing any signs of it. He entered, and a very irked expression on Snape's face was the first thing he saw. He wanted nothing more than to back out of the room altogether.

"There has been a change of plans, Potter. Professor (l/n) and I will _both_ be teaching you, at the same time, every week. While it may be somewhat... _good news_ to you, it would also mean that I have to supervise all of your lessons as well. Do tread lightly." It was astounding how his tone changed so drastically from speaking to you to speaking to Harry. 

Harry shot a look towards you, but your face remained expressionless. Then, trying something new, you looked up at Severus, and motioned to him. 

_Can you hear me?_ The words rang in his head as he studied you, and he gave a slow nod. 

_This is a bad idea, Severus. You should be the only one teaching him. I pose a threat._

In response, Severus retreated to his potion bottles for a while, before he replied. _Stop saying that. We are going to be taking turns, no matter what. If I spend too much time with him, I might just accidentally kill him myself. Besides, today is your day. I taught him for his first lesson, and what a nightmare that was._

 _Not funny, Severus._ You moved towards the boy, and invited him to sit across Severus' desk as you conjured up an extra seat for yourself. Severus took the seat beside you, bringing forward a Pensieve for you to store your memories for the time being. You thanked him, before carefully extracting the ones you wished for Harry to not see with your wand, the boy watching you through the whole process. 

Then, you reached out for his hands across the table from yours. "Are you nervous, Harry?"

"A little."

"It's alright, I'm a little nervous too. Luckily, for the lessons I have planned, I bought you this," You brandished a copy of _Guide To Advanced Occlumency_ , "A gift. Hopefully it makes things a little easier for you, and you can consult me on this anytime."

He took the book from you, and flipping open a few pages of it, you could tell he was surprised when he saw scribbles and notes jotted down in your handwriting. "It is quite advanced, so I thought writing down a few notes for you might help you understand better."

Severus cut in. "She spent many nights doing that, when she did not have to, Potter. You better appreciate it."

"I will, Professor." Nodding towards the boy, you waved your wand again, and commenced the lesson.

Contrary to his Patronus lessons with you and Remus, Harry, as it turned out, was not very gifted at the art of Occlumency. No matter how many times you told him to calm down, to clear his head and focus only on the thoughts he wanted to portray, it did not work. He was unfocused and very distracted, and you knew had you been with his incompetency under the training of The Dark Lord, you would not have survived. Still, it felt unfair to compare him to you, and you tried harder. Severus, however, was growing impatient. 

_You should give up for today. The boy is hopeless._

_Nonsense. Let me try, Severus. You can go to bed first, I know you have had a long day today._

Severus groaned under his breath, but said nothing more. He continued watching you and Harry. 

"Okay, let's try once more, Harry," You helped the boy stand from where he had fallen, rubbing his scar. "On my count, one, two, three, _Legilimens."_

This time, though, this time it was different. Usually in response to the painful memories you had brought up in his mind, he would unintentionally hex or jinx you, and you could deflect them very quickly, to the surprise of Severus, and then he would fall onto the floor in agony before you would help him up. But in this case, as you sifted through his memories and waited for any sign of deflecting or at least blocking your spell from him, he suddenly cried out in frustration, and you paused to see which memory you were on. It was the one where he mistakenly addressed you as his mother. 

It must have been horribly embarrassing for him. In the memory, after you and Severus had left that night, Harry immediately ran back to his dormitory, and ignoring Ron and the rest of the boys there, he stuffed his face into his pillow and screamed for what seemed like eternity. The rest of them looked towards him worriedly, but ultimately decided to leave him be. He continued hiding his very red face in the softness of his pillow, and for a while you thought he had fallen asleep in that position until he suddenly got up with a start. Immediately opening his trunk, he began throwing his items out in the open, searching for something.

You faltered when you saw that he finally pulled up the photograph of James and Lily. It was the very same photograph in his room at the Muggle house he stayed in for the holidays. Thumbing over the face of Lily then, you felt yourself take a sharp breath as drops of tears began staining the photograph. You wanted to reach out to him then, to pull him in your arms and hug him until he felt everything was alright again. 

But you had no opportunity to do so, because as soon as the boy realised you were looking at that _exact_ memory of his, he screamed. And then in one swift move, he waved his wand, and you having gotten too absorbed in the memory, were unprepared when he actually flung you across the room with a force so intense that you slammed against Severus' bookcase. The Potions professor's eyes widened, and in an instant, he had Harry up in the air, his feet facing the ceiling.

"How dare you, Potter!" He yelled, ready to fling him across the room too, but then he noticed something. The boy was crying. 

Disgusted, he let him down, before going to you instead. You were wincing from the intensity that you had been thrown with, and as Severus helped you up and you staggered in his hold, Harry fell to his knees once more. "I...I'm sorry, Professor. I didn't know what came over me."

"You lost control, Harry. It's...alright. But I think we can end here for the night, you must be exhausted. Is your scar hurting?" Pain was blasting through you, and you knew the exact source of it, but you chose not to disclose that information to the boy. It would only make him feel worse.

"Yeah, a little." Severus noticed what you were feeling too, and his breath got knocked out of his lungs when he realised. 

"Go to bed immediately after this. You can hand in your Defence Against the Dark Arts and Potions homework anytime within this week, so don't rush to finish it by tomorrow. Get some rest, Harry."

He nodded his head shyly, and turned to leave hurriedly, not wanting to look into your eyes any longer in fear that he would crumble in front of you. 

You sighed, and rubbing your shoulders, you realised that the pain was getting worse and worse. Severus' eyes never left your body, as he shook his head, studying you. 

"He couldn't see, could he?" You asked him, turning around.

"He was facing your front the entire time, so no. But if he just took a look at your back..." Severus drifted off, moving to grab bandages and blood replenishers from his private stores.

When he returned, you were already woozy and leaning against his desk, your vision blurring. The man helped you to sit, and sighed. 

"Your robes are drenched in blood, (y/n), the boy's opened your wounds again."


	30. The Worst Valentine's

29th January 1995

"But why? Why do you let him treat you like that?! He's the worst person in the world, and you are sticking by him instead of leaving him! Professor (l/n), you deserve so much better than Snape!" A stack of papers flew past the boy, onto the mahogany desk he was facing. 

"Is insulting Professor Snape all that you came to me for, Harry? I am very busy, you know." The boy sidestepped as another stack flew by, nearly hitting him squarely in the face. He clenched his fists, glaring at the silhouette of you. 

"You've changed! You've changed so much, it's like I don't even know you anymore! And it's all because of him! He just _had to_ marry you, and now he's poisoned you, made you as horrible as he is. He took you away from me, and changed you into someone I cannot even recognise, Professor (l/n). But you still let him treat you like this, even after—even after...that bloody—"

"Harry! That is enough!" This time, a swiftly directed paper flew within millimetres of the boy's face, before slicing his cheek with a paper cut clean. He hissed, clutching his cheek as he tried to ignore the sting you left him with. "Five points from Gryffindor. Now, we're going to be late for your Occlumency lesson. I expect Professor Snape will not be very pleased if we are. "

"I hate him! You know I do! Why can't I just study Occlumency _under you?_ I'll show up for every lesson, I'll learn quickly! You and Professor Lupin taught me, in my third year, and I learned the Patronus Charm very quickly, didn't I?" Harry blocked you from your path to the door, effectively trying to shut you in in your own office. 

Your eyes narrowed, and you pinched your nose bridge. The room was spinning, the first day back after a week you spent in the company of Death Eaters very much hectic, not to mention that you spent the morning with Bellatrix and her taking over The Dark Lord's Occlumency lessons for you. She was less terrifying than him, and she did show gratitude for you helping break her out of Azkaban, even going so far to extend a hand of friendship to you, but you were still cautious nonetheless. However, this also meant that it made having to catch up on lesson plans from Umbridge that much more enjoyable for you. _Perhaps I have been too short with him. I need to calm down so that he can calm down and start his Occlumency lessons with a clear head._ "There are things I cannot tell you Harry, that Dumbledore cannot tell you, but there are reasons that Professor Snape is the better option than I am, whether you think of it as true or not. Things are changing around here, and you need to prepare yourself as such."

Harry stepped aside for you to open the door, but his expression was wary. "You are speaking as if you are dying soon. You...you are not dying, right?" 

His tone was accusatory, angry, but you detected a layer of insecurity as well in those words. You did not know what to tell him, so turning back to him and offering your hand, you could only say, "Tell you what, if you get through your this lesson with Professor Snape just fine, after which, we can hang out in my quarters for a while. You do your homework, I will help you if you need help, and I will do my marking. How does that sound?"

The boy was not completely satisfied, but accepted your invitation as you walked with him down to the dungeons anyway. Severus was already waiting impatiently inside when you opened the door for Harry, but when he saw you, his features visibly relaxed for a bit. You moved over to him for a moment, as he allowed himself to check up on you. He had not seen you for the entire week, and the dark circles under your eyes were worrying him. Harry stood awkwardly at the end of the room as he proceeded to talk to you.

"You haven't been getting enough sleep, haven't you? Every single night I fall asleep first, and yet, I still wake up later than you do in the mornings," Severus said, ignoring Harry for a moment to fix a potion for you, but you reached out for his hands, shaking your head.

"Please, you haven't got much time with the boy. Focus on him. I'm alright, just a little overwhelmed, is all. Between teaching classes and going headstrong with Umbridge almost every second of every day, and then doing things for _him_ as well as the Order...I just..." You shook your head, "...Never mind. I'm fine, and I'll step aside now."

At the mention of The Dark Lord, Severus hesitated, recalling your the subject of your arguments days ago. You and him had reached a sort of stalemate then, choosing not to speak on it for any longer, pretending it did not happen at all, and Severus was not going to confront you about it then as well too, seeing as Harry was turned against him but listening to every bit of the conversation. 

He kissed your forehead gently, before nodding. Before you settled onto his desk, though, you smiled softly at Harry, as if to wish him good luck, and the boy's heart filled with dread the moment you shut the door and Severus locked it.

Somewhere during the lesson, you left to freshen yourself up because you were practically falling asleep on Severus' desk, and he allowed you to do so. Though, when he had finished the lesson with Harry, he was absolutely sure that had Dumbledore not requested for him to do it and had he not had your support, he would have hexed the boy the first chance he had. Rubbing his wrist wistfully after another Stinging Hex Harry had given him, he was quite taken aback to see you waiting outside for the boy after his class. Your eyes were closed and you appeared to be asleep where you stood, but once you heard Harry's footsteps approach you, you forced a smile to come to your face again and Severus saw that you had sneaked a bottle of Butterbeer for him; a reward, for getting through his first lesson. He did not know why his heart squeezed painfully when you offered it to the boy.

But then Harry rubbed his temples, and appearing to want to engage you in a conversation not to be overheard by Severus, dragged you further away from his office. Severus followed closely, carefully hiding in the shadows once the boy thought the coast was clear. 

"What's in the Department of Mysteries?" He asked you, his voice low.

You raised your eyebrows, wondering where he had gotten that idea from. "Why would you want to know that?" 

"I saw it, the day of my hearing. It was the very same place Mr Weasley got attacked, wasn't it? Voldemort wants to get inside that department, all my dreams have been about that, and nothing else!"

Then, Severus heard your voice turn angry. "You would do good not asking questions like that, Harry. It is not your responsibility to worry about these things for now, it is the Order's. You should keep your head low, and try as best as you can in school and in Occlumency right now."

Harry did not give in. Stubbornly, he retorted, "Snape told you to say that, didn't he? I know he did. Because the _real you_ would've told me what is in there by now, Professor (l/n)."

"Harry, let's not start this again..." 

Severus leaned closer, straining to hear more of the conversation. "But Professor, you and I know he is not making you happy anymore, why, why do you stay with him?"

"Harry, I love you both, and I care about you in different ways. All I ask...is for you not to meddle in my personal relationships with Professor Snape, and let me handle these things myself."

"But I care about you too, Professor (l/n)! And I care about your happiness, so trust me when I say you should leave him and allow yourself to be happy."

Severus choked on his breath, but he forced himself to remain silent. "Please, Harry, don't make me choose between you and him."

"Why? Because you'll choose him?"

When a heavy silence hung in the air, followed by Harry's furious footsteps scurrying away from you, Severus knew you had given him an answer he was displeased about. He did not know whether to feel grateful or sorry for you then.

11th February 1996

On a very warm day in February, with the air stiflingly hot in the room of your summer home, you struggled against the confines of your mask in another Death Eater meeting. The Dark Lord was beside you, still very excited for his future plans and very pleased that the Azkaban break had gone so well. Everything was falling into place for him, while everything was falling out of place for you. 

The meeting went on for another few hours before it ended, and when it did, you could not be more glad to take off your mask with only the presence of your mother around. But then, a hand settled itself on your waist, and you shifted uncomfortably when Bellatrix appeared beside you. _This woman loves physical touch too much for her own good._

Your mother's eyes hardened. Bellatrix seemed to enjoy pissing her off, and in response, held you tighter. "Would I have been a better option for her than Severus Snape, then?"

It was clear from your Occlumency lessons that Bellatrix had picked up on your relationship with Severus, but to see her taunting and dangling it in front of your mother's face like that, it still felt foreign. You admired the woman, but the thought of having to become friendly with her scared you as well. 

"You are ruining her, further than he did," The woman said through gritted teeth, and Bellatrix chuckled dryly. 

"One thing that you failed to see of your own daughter, is that she never needed me or The Dark Lord to ruin her. All she needed was a push, to her becoming. Or have you forgotten that her father's blood ran in her as well? Head of—"

"STOP!" It seemed as if the reminder of your father was painful even for her, and you longed to get away from whatever the two were starting then. "This—this is blasphemy. I will not have my daughter becoming...whatever this is!"

"Ah, _Hadriana_ , always so quick to draw conclusions, very slow to believe. Can't you see that this girl is the biggest weapon we may have against Harry Potter? Would be a waste to her talents if we let her go, wouldn't it? Besides, I am starting to grow to like her, she reminds me of you...before you got caught up in the anguish of your daughter becoming one of us too. Much calmer, much more clever. You brought her up well."

You knew your mother was seething in fury when Bellatrix brought you up to your bedroom then, and locked her out as she prepared herself for another Occlumency lesson with you.

14th February 1996

It was Valentine's Day. Severus had not even remembered that it was Valentine's Day until he glanced to the calendar in his room, all while he was in bed and you were laying on his chest. He blinked, before cursing softly to himself. He had not gotten you a gift, and you loved Valentine's Day. 

Staring down at the peaceful figure of you sleeping, he lost himself in his thoughts for a moment, trying to figure out what sort of last minute gift he could make for you. But then you stirred, and buried yourself deeper in his chest before you actually turned your face towards him. 

"(y/n)."

"Mm very tired, Sev, let me sleep in."

"My love, it's Valentine's Day." At his words, you finally got yourself awake enough, and Severus smiled softly when you cursed loudly at the thought of forgetting about it too. "Did you forget?"

You threw your head back, sighing. "I'm so sorry, Severus, I'll make it up to you. Merlin, I can't believe that I forgot."

"Then would you feel better if I told you that I forgot as well?" He pulled you back to him, and his heart fluttered when you giggled. "But since we're both free today, at least, until something crops up, what do you think of spending the day at Hogsmeade?"

"With all the meandering students? Severus, that is a recipe for disaster for us, and I'm betting Umbridge will have her spies all over there too," you replied, your eyelids already beginning to get more heavy. Severus sucked in a breath when his hands ran over your figure under his nightshirt, and noticed just how much thinner you had gotten. "I am very tired, though, and I think the best Valentine's Day gift you could give me right now is to hold me and let me sleep for a little while longer in your arms."

Severus knew he could never deny you of that request, and he kissed your cheek before nodding. Picking up a book, he quipped teasingly, "You've gotten old, my love, to be wanting that for Valentine's Day." 

But your breaths had already evened against him, and he proceeded to grab the book he had been reading the night before and flipped it open again while you cuddled into his chest to catch a few more winks.

When you finally woke up again in the afternoon, Severus had not moved from his position, still reading his book, though he was close to completing it already. His arm had fallen asleep under your body, but he did not mind. But he had had something stewing in his mind while you were asleep, and he was dying to ask you about it. 

You got up to the bathroom, and when you returned, he was sitting on his desk, studying you. "Minerva spoke to me, the other night."

You did not like where this was going. "And...?"

"She told me, about the night I strangled you," His expression one of insecurity, "Said that I was using you. I used it to get you back to me."

"Did you mean to? Use me?" 

Severus parted his lips, cleared his throat, but no sound came out. He did not know what to reply. "I don't know. Subconsciously, maybe I did."

He saw you shift uncomfortably, before your hand went to your neck, almost as if to guard yourself from him. "What are you implying, Severus?"

"Why do you stay with me despite all my flaws and toxicity? Despite the way I treated you? Have you gone past the point where your love for me transcends into such an unconditional state, that it no longer becomes healthy?"

"And what is so wrong with that? Is that not enough for you, Severus? Shouldn't love be enough?"

He took a while to answer. Holding your hands in his, he sighed and leaned into your comfort. "In this war, I am not sure, (y/n)."

Severus saw flames dancing behind your eyes. "Are you breaking up with me, Sev?"

"What? No, no, why would you think that?" He pulled back, and though his voice was one of disbelief, his face betrayed him. He looked expectant. 

"Then what is it you want from me?" 

Severus sighed, and his eyes begged yours to understand. You knew what he was implying, and the second that it hit you, you recoiled, shaking your head. "No, I am not leaving you. I am not leaving you just so you can feel better for me, Severus!"

"My love, everyone we know is telling you to leave me, I know. Black, Lupin, the Weasleys, Minerva, hell, even _your mother_ , is telling you that you would be better off without me. She was right, you know, when she said I was ruining you. I mean, look what I did to you, I turned you into the thing you feared so much, (y/n), I turned you into _one of them_. You would be so much better off without me and my vices, I would only put you through more pain by loving someone like me."

"How could you possibly believe that? How could you let their words get to you? Wasn't it you who said that we shouldn't care what all the others think of us, when all we would ever need is each other?! Severus, you never ruined me, it was me who changed, and why do all of you say this change is for the worse? Is it so bad now that I finally realised the potential I had all along? You should be proud of me, Severus, like you always said you would be, that I found my calling. Dumbledore never wanted me, and I am only wasting your time and everyone else's time keeping your secrets for you here! I do it because I owed it to you, to Remus and everyone else, but you know I don't belong with the Order, Severus. I stood out painfully from the start. And now that I have found what it is that I could call home, you are saying it's your fault that I had fallen too deep?"

"Because everything I touch, I ruin! Can't you see that? I was never made for love, (y/n), and you have been kind, far too kind to me, and that should stop now. I don't deserve you, or anything good this world has to offer me, and I need to let you go. I've done too much...too much damage to this world to be worthy of all the happiness and love you bring to me. I am only dragging you down further and further if you stay, and I don't think I could ever forgive myself if you died because of me too. Everyone you love hates me, your parents think I am the scum of the earth for trying to marry their daughter, and soon enough, what else would they do to pull us apart even further? If you don't let go now, (y/n), you may never be the same again."

Severus expected you to yell, to reply with an even fiercer argument at him, or to start throwing his things around in your rampage, but you did nothing of the sort. Instead, you swept past him in quick strides, and opening the door as widely as you could, you slammed it just as hard as well when you left, causing some of the potion bottles on his desk to fall over and shatter into pieces by his feet.

For the Potions professor, it was perhaps the worst Valentine's Day he had ever experienced.


	31. Severus' Childhood

8th March 1996

Harry felt a sort of dryness in his throat as he turned the doorknob that led to Snape's office. He knew you would be there, of course, but with the recent lessons being far more painful experiences for you and Snape than they were for him, he would rather be anywhere else than caught between the crossfire of the both of you when you would argue right in front of him, and then following which, the longing stares Snape would throw to you when you were teaching him, almost as if he had words left unsaid even after your arguments. But you would always remind him after his lessons that the both of you were alright, that he need not worry and just focus on improving his Occlumency, which made him worry even more for you. 

This time, when he entered, you were standing at the corner of the office by Snape's bookcases, while the man himself sat on his desk, staring right at him. 

"You are late, Potter. Five points from Gryffindor," Snape immediately said. Harry looked to you for help, to put some sense into the man for punishing him (he had only been a few seconds late, at most), but you kept silent and drew back into the shadows. It seemed like your argument had been very serious tonight. 

The lesson commenced, but proceeded with much difficulty. Harry screamed and yelled and had fallen to the floor so many times that his throat was sore for real and his kneecaps felt like they were broken, and he was not even halfway through the lesson. Snape was much stricter than you were, and somehow, his spells to access Harry's memories were even more scalding than yours, even though he knew it was the very same spell you were using.

After a particularly excruciating memory extracted of Dudley and his gang bullying him in primary school, Snape suddenly pulled out of his thoughts and asked, "That last memory, what was it?"

Harry watched as your attention finally shifted from him to Snape, and you looked towards him curiously. When further clarified that Snape really saw a memory of a man kneeling in a darkened room, the boy saw you finally come out of your corner in the shadows. There was an expression in your eyes he could not place, you looked like you wanted to question him on it too, but decided against it. 

"Remind me why we are here, Potter."

"So I can learn Occlumency." 

"Was his face pock-marked, Harry?" You spoke for the first time that night, and you felt Severus' eyes burn through you. "The man, was he grey-haired, tall?"

The boy rubbed his eyes. "I don't remember, I think so. How...how would you know this?"

You paused, before saying, "Order stuff. Just had to check..."

But with the look Severus shot you, you knew even he knew it was not _Order stuff._ It was _Death Eater stuff._ You prompted again, "And how many more dreams like these have you had, Harry?" 

"Just that one." The boy could tell you knew he was lying, but you said nothing more, and stepped back to allow Snape to continue. Once again, Harry caught a glimpse of a look the Potions professor sent you, when you were looking away, and Harry's skin crawled when he realised it probably was another look of longing for you. But just as quick, that look was gone, and the cold, dark look he always had for Harry returned. 

On the next count of _Legilimens_ , however, you knew Severus had hit a particularly bad memory when Harry raised his wand halfway into the memory, and yelled _Protego!_ Immediately, the man staggered, and you hurried forward instinctively to steady him. The man shook in your arms, and the moment Harry's eyes unfocused to enter Severus' memories, was the moment you took out your own wand to sever the connection. He snapped back, in a daze still, but he suddenly looked towards the man with a strange look in his eyes. _He must have saw Severus' childhood._

"ENOUGH!" Severus roared as he stood properly, sending the boy staggering backwards and hitting the shelves of potion ingredients. _Reparo,_ Severus uttered, and you went over to the other side to help Harry up, cleaning his shirt of the liquid he had crashed against with a drying spell. 

_We should end for today, Severus._

_No, we need to practise a few more times. That was a major improvement._

_You are shaking, Severus. He saw your childhood memories, didn't he? You would only be unfocused from here on out, and that is dangerous for you._

The man spared you a glance, but ignored you anyway. You called out for him a few more times in your head to get his attention, but he did not respond, and instead, prompted the boy to try again. You clucked your tongue, begging Severus to look at you again, but he flat-out refused to do so. 

_"Legilimens!"_

"Severus!" This time, you cried out when the boy immediately flew across the grounds of his office and banged his head against the floor so hard that a lump had started to form. He was panting and huffing, and you stepped in between him and Harry to get him to look at you. "Stop this, I've told you—"

"You don't know anything! Potter, explain yourself!" Severus retorted, and the boy groaned as he rubbed his head painfully. When he claimed of not knowing anything, it only seemed to make Severus even angrier. "You are not working hard enough! You are lazy and sloppy Potter, it is no wonder that The Dark Lord—"

"Can you tell me something, Professors? Why do you two call Voldemort The Dark Lord? I've only ever heard Death Eaters call him that."

He caught your tongue, and you stared at him, speechless. Your anger for Severus' refusal to listen had subsided for the time being, stumped by the boy's unusual question. If you answered, you were putting your position at risk, but if you allowed Severus to be the one to answer, that was a risk in itself as well, considering how absolutely livid he seemed. 

The both of you opened your mouths at the same time, to tell the boy of very different answers to his question, but luckily, or not, there was a scream from outside of the room. You and Severus exchanged glances, before you announced, "Stay here with him, I'll go see what it is."

But he caught your wrist, and shook his head. "Don't be stupid, you stay. If anything happens—"

"You want to die first? Is that what you are saying?" Severus knew you were acting this way because of the argument that had caused the two of you to split into your own bedrooms again for the past month, but he refused to let you be petty about this. 

"We'll go together then," he said, sweeping out of sight with you. Harry hesitated for a moment, then followed.

It was Trelawney. Right at the top of the Entrance Hall, a large ring of students streaming out of the Great Hall from dinner had formed, witnessing the commotion right down the marble staircase. The woman looked insane, with her wand in hand and a sherry bottle in another, as you and Severus pushed through the students to see what was causing the scene. Then you let your eyes travel to not far from her, and discovered that her trunks were laying on the floor beside her, one of them upside down. 

Severus stiffened behind you, when right at the foot of the stairs, stood the stout, pudgy figure of Umbridge. Trelawney shrieked, and in response, Umbridge replied with the question if the woman had not seen this day coming at all; you realised the day she would be sacked from Hogwarts once and for all. Umbridge seemed to find delight in announcing her dismissal from her post, and you felt your mind wander to the very dangerous thought of what she would look like under the Cruciatus Curse itself. _It must feel delightful, wouldn't it? To watch her writhe, scream, cry out for mercy—_

You hissed, and the voice in your head telling you how good it would feel to put the woman under the Curse was gone. Severus looked to you, concerned, but you tried focusing on Trelawney instead, and how pitiful she looked then. _How could I think of that? That wasn't me, was it? I cannot fathom ever delighting myself in wickedness like that, but at the same time, why had it popped up in my head so naturally?_ Your heart was beating wildly against your chest, and had Minerva not stepped in to help Trelawney out and effectively blocked Umbridge from your view, you were confident that you would not be able to control yourself around the woman. 

Umbridge had a stare-off with Minerva, but not long after, the tall, assuring figure of Dumbledore stepped in, and Severus decided that it was enough. The situation would be resolved without the two of you, and he took the opportunity to beckon you back to the safety of the dungeons. Still a little dizzy, you followed him without much question.

Once in the dungeons, the man did not even wait before he brought you to a corner, and checked upon your pale features. "What is going on?"

"I hardly think—"

"Can we put aside this argument for a minute? (y/n), you thought about putting Umbridge under the Cruciatus Curse."

Violated, you glared at him. "Why were you reading my mind?"

"I hadn't meant to, you didn't sever the connection earlier. Why did you...?"

You buried your face in your hands, feeling the room start to spin again. "I don't know, okay? I keep having these thoughts, thoughts of wanting to hurt everyone, and each time it keeps getting worse and worse. There will be moments where I feel it feels just right to do it, that I deserved to do it, but there are times where I would suddenly wake in the middle of the night and think, _what the hell am I doing?_ Severus, I don't know how much longer I can do this anymore, but I know this will stop if you and Dumbledore _just let me leave._ You said it yourself, didn't you? That I should leave?"

He swallowed. In truth, he did not want you to leave, he did not want it at all, and it hurt him more than you knew, having to ask you to do that. But that had been for your benefit, not his, the request of you leaving then would only bring you down further. He intended to still keep you within his sight, because even if you were not together, he still wanted to look out for you and ensure you were safe, even if it cost him his happiness. 

"Not in that way."

"I don't get you, Severus! First you beg me to stay, to forgive you after your infidelity and to take you back because you said you were going to fix whatever this is, and next you are begging me to leave you _for my own good_ so that you can feel better about yourself, and now you are telling me not to go again? Make up your mind, will you?! You hold my hand and tell me all these things that make me fall in love with you all over again, and in the next second, you expect me to leave you because you think what you are doing is bringing me to my downfall? What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"I never meant—"

"Don't you know that you are the only thing keeping me going, keeping me from ending it all here? Has it ever occured to you that _I need you too?_ I hate you so much, Severus, but what I hate most is that my heart still refuses to hate you even after all that you have done to me! I gave up everything for you, I loved you at your worst, and I am loving you now, still, but you are toying with me as if I could abide by your mood swings anytime! I am sick and tired of trying to fix your broken pieces, Severus, because you broke me too, you know?" 

Severus frowned deeply, and he fought off the urge to wipe the tears in your eyes and pull your shaking figure in his arms. "Do you want to know the memory Potter saw earlier? Of my childhood?"

"Severus, I am asking you if I should stay or go, I don't want—"

"And I am giving you an answer now. But I have to ask you first, if you want to see that memory. I am asking you to stay, now, (y/n), and look at my most painful childhood with me. My childhood taught me that I never deserved love, never deserved anything, really, as so Potter clearly saw. And the one person I truly loved then, she died because of me, despite me begging Dumbledore to spare her. I don't want to repeat that mistake again, because I don't know how I would continue living if you died because of me too. I want nothing more than for you to be mine forever, (y/n), but that is difficult when I am so afraid that the more I keep you close to me, the more I am putting you in danger. I need you, more than you would ever know, and I love you so much that it hurts me. If I could, I would ask you to stay with me."

"So let me stay."

"What if it brings you to your death? Staying with me?" His voice was incredibly small. 

"Dying has always been a better option than living without you. Severus, I—" But suddenly, you pulled back, letting out a sharp cry. Your hand against the wall, you were suddenly hit with blasts and blasts of excruciating pain, almost as if you were under a Cruciatus Curse yourself. Every single fibre of your being was screaming, and you could barely hear Severus approach you, trying to see what was wrong. No, you were too busy fighting off the voice inside your head.

"Severus...get away...from me... _now,"_ you managed, through pained breaths. It felt like something was splitting you open from the inside if you did not obey. 

"What are you talking about? What happened?"

" _Sev_ , please."

"I am not doing that! What makes you think—"

But you had looked up at him, and Severus choked on his words when a fresh wave of tears had filled your eyes. "Severus, he's asking me to kill you, right now. He's controlling me, and I don't know how much longer I can fight him off if you don't go, _now."_


	32. Cornelius Fudge's Visit

8th March 1996

"Take my wand away from me, please!" You reached into the pocket of your robes, and threw it towards the Potions professor. He caught it quickly, and although he kept it far away from your reach, he still surged forward to catch you as you fell over in agony, despite you pushing him away. "Sev—erus!" 

"I am not leaving you to suffer, you should know that by now. You're under his Imperius Curse, aren't you?"

 _Kill him. Kill him, and you will be free. You can make it all go away. Put your head back. Close your eyes. Wade into the quiet of the stream._ Your hands were itching to hurt him, to rip, to destroy, to make him writhe in your mercy, and you were struggling very heavily to control them. _How had I not known? When did he cast it onto me?_

"Dumbledore," You huffed, getting Severus' attention from holding you so tight in case you hurt yourself. "Call...Dumbledore!" 

"I can't, not while I am holding you." Severus was right, and you gave out another cry that absolutely shattered his heart when he heard it. You were stuck, in a corner, stuck in this forever torture until you killed the man holding you, or until The Dark Lord suddenly deemed it unworthy to do so, but you were not counting on the latter. 

_Kill him. You've killed before, what's holding you back now? Your mother would be very proud, your father too. This is your becoming._ His voice was growing louder and louder, almost like he intended to explode through your ears. It was hard to think with him wrapping around your brain, even harder to fight the urge to strangle Severus, but you focused. _Think, think, think, what—_

"Severus, I need my wand," you said, and he looked at you warily, your hands still struggling in his hold. "Hurry! Before I lose all control, and you will still need to hold me in the process."

Fishing your wand from his robes, Severus knew the moment he handed it to you and your hands moved with a mind of their own to point it under his chin, that he would be in big trouble. Was he going to die right then? In your hands, under the curse of The Dark Lord? He shut his eyes, and trying to point it away, he sucked in a breath when he no longer felt it under his chin, and expecting it to be pointing right in between his eyes, he was surprised when you slowly moved it towards the hallway. _Kill him now, what are you doing?_

 _"Expecto patronum!"_ You did not know if it would work, if your Patronus would even appear ever since your fall towards the other side, but it was worth a shot. Would the silvery, eagle owl still be there, at the end of your wand? Or would it have gone away for real, leaving you with the sickening realisation that there was no way back?

Thankfully, once that thought formed, a faint but growing shape of the eagle owl began to take form, and your hand lurched to stop it, but luckily, Severus reacted quick enough to get them in his grip. The wand dropped with a clang, and the eagle owl was sent flying up to the Entrance Hall. 

A chorus of _oohs_ and _aahs_ sounded out as the crowd saw the Patronus, and in any other case, you might have thought of it as magical too, especially if you were a first-year, but you were close to passing out from pain then. The voice screamed as you casted the charm, and it was still screaming, fully intending on bursting your eardrums. 

But then something changed when Dumbledore began running down the stairs. Once you made eye contact with him, it was as if all the muscles in your body practically lunged forward, screaming at you with a force of no other to _kill him instead._

_Crucio!_

But Dumbledore had detected this. _Protego._

He approached you, his wand at the ready and Severus standing back in fear, and looked straight at you. You begged him, in your mind, to kill you, to end the suffering and kill you right then and there. You pleaded for death, but the man only shook his head, and raising his wand, muttered, "It is time to sleep for a while, (y/n). Hopefully, this will be gone when you wake."

You wanted to scream at him, to go down on your knees to beg even harder for him to end it all, but you could not. Your eyes were stuck on his, and before you knew it, all you could hear was Severus shout and a flash of light from Dumbledore's wand blind you. After that, it was complete, total darkness, with even the voice that had been forcing you to kill the two men drowned out.

9th March 1996

"But she's been under him, this whole time right? She...she couldn't have—"

"I don't know, Severus, I don't know the extent of the control he has over her, where the real her starts and where Voldemort's control ends. If you just let me use Veritaserum we would know."

"No, you are not using Veritaserum! This was your fault, Dumbledore, you put her up to this! You made her your spy, and you made her like this, you cannot just blame it all on her now. She never meant to turn out like this," Severus voiced, the feel of his hand on yours slowly waking you up from your slumber. You could tell you were not in the Hogwarts infirmary, because the distinct bright white lights and the nauseating smell of healing potions were absent, no, you were in Severus' room. Still, you felt it was necessary to listen to the conversation, and pretended to be asleep for a little while longer. 

Dumbledore sighed. "One of the many things I do regret, Severus, and I must confess...is the way I treated her. She has been under my care ever since she was just a child, and she trusted me with her whole life until...I revealed the truth about her family, and that had been the biggest mistake on my part. I should have informed her sooner, because right then, even as the both of us exited the Pensieve after she had learned of my true intentions following her parents' departure, I knew I was already losing her. I tried to relinquish my hold, but you know _them_ , they only slipped further and further, Severus."

The man's grip on your hand tightened, and he retorted, "But that gives you no excuse, Headmaster."

"You are absolutely right, Severus. And that is why," Dumbledore's robes swished as he shifted, walking closer to the Potions professor and lowering his voice, "You need to be by her side, now of all times. If there is anything that can conquer all, that will be love. You are incredibly lucky, Severus, you and her, to have this, don't waste this beautiful thing you share." 

It was then that the Headmaster left, and Severus looked down to you once more. The voice in your head was gone, thanks to whatever spell or charm Dumbledore did that had knocked you out, and although you knew that The Dark Lord would bring it up in the next meeting and possibly punish you for it, nothing then could have mattered when you looked up towards the man you loved as well. He had an expression of guilt, but at the same time, adoration dawning his features, and as he nodded at you and pressed a kiss to your forehead, he knew you had heard the entire conversation. 

"Does that answer your question? Of whether you should stay or go?" He asked, burying his face in the crook of your neck. 

"You still haven't told me directly," you teased, and Severus chuckled, quite relieved that you had the energy to poke fun at him already. 

"Stay. Stay forever."

1st April 1996

On the very first day of April, on a rather warm, balmy night, you felt yourself almost floating through the castle on your way down to the dungeons, right after your last class of the day. It was your turn with Harry that day, and you had to remind yourself that you had to be wide awake and keep a clear head in case anything happened.

Harry was improving; though not very rapidly, but there was progress shown. The way in which he could quickly deflect certain memories he did not want to be seen, the way in which he produced even more dangerous hexes and jinxes unconsciously, and even in the way he could finally finish a practise round without falling to his knees then, they were all signs of improvement. Though, as you rubbed your knuckles from a particularly painful Stinging Hex from him, you were reminded that he had approached you earlier, about wanting to end class a little early. He was going to teach his little Defence Against the Dark Arts group Patronuses that day. 

Turning towards Severus, you found him quietly marking and scrawling on a few pieces of parchment, while half-observing your sessions still. _Sev._

He looked up, and prompted you to continue. _I'm ending my lesson early today, the boy has something to catch up on after this._

_And what would that something be?_

Glancing at the boy, you noticed he had been staring at the two of you again, and you sighed. Severus would flip out if he knew. 

_He hasn't handed in a single Defence Against the Dark Arts essay for the past two weeks. I'm sitting him down in my office so that he can complete it later._

Severus quirked an eyebrow towards the boy. _Do you need me to be there as well? I can make him complete it in half the time._

You hid a soft laugh from him, and shook your head as you went over to Harry. Informing him that lesson had ended, and he was free to go, he smiled brightly at you before nodding and packing up his things. You considered following him for a moment, to the Room of Requirement, but decided against it. Instead, you headed back to your own office to settle a few reports for the Order while you had a rare pocket of free time.

It was only later that night, when you had finished the last of your marking and were heading to Severus' quarters, did you sense something had gone terribly wrong. Minerva had made a rare trip down to the dungeons, looking very perturbed and slightly annoyed. She stopped you from opening the door with a quick flick of her wand, and beckoned you closer.

"Cornelius Fudge is asking for you, in Dumbledore's office."

When you stepped past the stone gargoyle and proceeded into the luxurious office of the Headmaster, you reminded yourself to stay calm once more as there stood Cornelius Fudge, along with Umbridge smiling sweetly beside him like a loyal pet, while Kingsley Shacklebolt and a few other Ministry workers you recognised stood guard. Dumbledore was seated behind his desk, studying you. 

"(y/n), my dear Hogwarts representative, lovely to have you tonight," Fudge tried his best to sound as genuine as possible, but even you knew he had meant none of it. "Shall we get started?"

Neither Dumbledore nor Minerva informed you what the meeting was for, and at that point, you did not dare to ask. Allowing Fudge to proceed, he began by saying, "Are you aware of what your role is, at the Ministry, dear?"

"Very clearly, Minister."

"Then why is it, that whatever we have discussed, whatever I have planned to implement in this school, has not been implemented? Has Dumbledore been prohibiting you from doing so, my dear?" He leaned forward, and you fought to remain still, to keep your hands behind your back and stare back at him with an expressionless look on your face. You could tell your calmness was disturbing him. 

"Perhaps, as I have told you Minister, she is _not as useful_ as you made her out to be. I, for one—"

"He was asking _me_ , Umbridge. Speak only when you are spoken to," you corrected her, and her eyes turned menacing. When you explained that it had been easier said than done, whatever Fudge suggested, with a lot of improvisation and winging it coming from your mouth, you saw Dumbledore's lips turn into a faint smile as he nodded softly, approving of your ideas. You had defended him, right in front of everyone there, and as much as Fudge could claim that he was a very good Minister for Magic, he was in truth, a very gullible man as well. Even Kingsley Shacklebolt, at the corner of your eye, saw right through your lies to the Minister, but said nothing. He knew what _Hogwarts representative_ actually meant for the Order. 

Fudge thought for a while, before asking, "Then with the many decrees that have been implemented, have you ever gotten a chance to process them? Process what they actually mean?"

"Are you calling me irresponsible, Minister? For failing to keep up on everything you have done for the good of this school?" You lied through your teeth, and Fudge straightened. 

"Then I must presume, since you seem to be aware of everything around here, that you know just what Harry Potter and all his friends are doing right now, in the Room of Requirement, as we speak?"

The question caught you off-guard, and you hesitated. Apparently, it was evidence enough for Umbridge, and as she moved to exit the room, you found yourself suddenly blocking her. She turned towards you, preparing to fight you off, but your eyes were fixed on Fudge. "No idea what that is, Minister. I believe Harry Potter has been with me the whole time, studying for his OWLs." 

"But you are his Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, correct? I would assume you would know if the students in this school are practising, or more like, _plotting_ magic against the Ministry. I heard the boy is very fond of you, (y/n)." Fudge looked towards Umbridge, and nodded when she turned back to him. 

"Wait, just a second, Professor Um—" But you were cut off, when Dumbledore shook his head at you from the corner of your eye. You sighed, and reluctantly let her go. _What are you doing, Dumbledore?_

_Trust the boy, (y/n)._ Fudge smiled wickedly. "Then we shall let the boy speak for himself. See if what he is really doing...is studying." 

Fudge invited you to sit, but you ignored him and instead, stood beside Minerva in an act of defiance. Shooting daggers at him, he seemed to take upon Umbridge's usual stance of fake over-happiness while he waited. _Please, Harry, please don't be in there, tonight._

When Umbridge opened the door for the second time that night, storming in with Harry by her plump fists and practically dragging him towards the group, you could see actual fear in his eyes as he glanced over at his audience. You turned away when Fudge chuckled and tried leaning in to whisper something something to you.

"—Well, Potter...I expect you know why you are here?" This time, though, you looked directly towards the boy, who had his eyes on you as well, and moving your face a fraction of an inch, you hoped he picked up on the clue. 

"Ye—no." _Brilliant boy._

Harry continued rejecting the Minister's questions and accusations, making Fudge angrier and angrier, but you nodded softly each time he did to ensure that it was okay, that he should keep going. By the end of it, the Minister had already balled his fist and he looked like he was going to explode.

"I think, Minister," Umbridge suddenly cut in, "We might make better progress if I fetch our informant." 

Your eyes snapped towards Harry, silently asking him if _he had someone that leaked his information_ , but he, too, seemed surprised. Though, you could hardly hide your own shock when a very disfigured Marietta Edgecomb walked in next, and the moment she made eye contact with you, she bursted into sobs. "P-Professor, am I in trouble?"

She was asking you, but you looked away. "Just answer the questions, Marietta. What I think does not matter anymore."

"(y/n)..." Dumbledore warned, and you threw your hands up in exasperation, before sighing and leaning against the wall while Umbridge and Fudge prompted the girl for the answers they were seeking for. The word _SNEAK_ had been marred onto her face, and rightfully so. You would never have pegged Ravenclaws to be snitches. 

This time, it was Minerva that fought bravely against Umbridge's accusations, taking sharp jabs at the justice system in the Ministry and insulting the woman each chance that she got. Dumbledore had to step in, and Percy Weasley, who had been taking notes at the corner of the room, suddenly looked stumped when the Headmaster managed to disprove all of the woman's accusations. Umbridge had to resort to asking Marietta again, who, at this point, had run to your side seeking comfort and empathy, but received none. 

_You can simply nod or shake your head,_ Umbridge coaxed, and the girl turned towards you for guidance again. You simply stared back at her, an empty expression on your face, and she had apparently taken that as a sign. She shook her head. Umbridge took offence, and as she began to press the girl further, you stepped in. 

"I would have thought her meaning was quite clear. Back off, Umbridge," you said, shielding the girl behind you, who grabbed onto your robes gratefully. Minerva chipped in too, and Dumbledore's lips lifted at the sight of the two of you against the woman. When Umbridge moved to try to shake the girl into submission, Dumbledore and Kingsley jumped, while you grabbed her wrist and wrung it out in the air. 

"Move, you little _Ministry-traitor_ , you're just like your parents, aren't you? Using us—" Umbridge began, but Kingsley cut in, and thankfully so, because you were close to hexing her yourself with her remarks thrown.

When Umbridge shoved the parchment that Pansy Parkinson had found as another piece of evidence, however, you started to lose your cool again. There, written very clearly, were all the members of Harry's group, and what was worse, they had named themselves _Dumbledore's Army._ If he had not put the Headmaster in hot water then, he definitely did now. Fudge turned to you, satisfied, and asked, "Do you still not know what I was talking about, (y/n)?"

"Then there must have been a mistake. I must have instructed for the boy—" But you faltered when you saw Dumbledore, and he spoke softly in your head. _Let me handle this._

_No, they are going to sack you. Better me than you, Dumbledore._

_(y/n)._

Fuming, you let him speak. And just as you had predicted, he took the fall for Harry. The boy screamed out when he realised the same thing you did, and you, Kingsley and Minerva all shot him warning glares to keep his mouth shut, with you placing your hand on his shoulder. To anyone else, it may have looked like a sign of comfort, but you and Harry knew you were doing it as an additional warning. _Don't interfere._

Fudge only got more and more aggressive as Dumbledore taunted, to the point where in the end, when he forcefully took out his wand and yelled for guards to seize the man, Dumbledore had to fight back against his spell and cast a defensive charm so violent that the bang was as loud as a gunshot and the floor trembled beneath you. Instinctively, you grabbed Harry, and shoved him away from the Headmaster's desk as you landed on the floor yourself. Dust and smoke clouded the air as you coughed heavily, wondering _why the hell had Fudge chosen to do that here, of all places._

"FUDGE!" You stood, ready to punch the unconscious figure on the floor. If Dumbledore prohibited you to use magic against the man, then you would use sheer strength. But Dumbledore pulled you back wordlessly, and you struggled against his hold until finally you calmed down enough to not want to kill the man. He then spoke to those remaining, and upon instructing you and Minerva to hurry the two children to bed and pretend as if nothing had happened here, you had no choice but to comply. He was Headmaster, after all, and whether you liked it or not, you had to listen to him, especially when he pulled rank at you. 

When Fudge and the rest woke to, you and Minerva held back your utmost distastes for them while they desperately searched for the now long gone Dumbledore. When it proved unsuccessful, however, was when the Minister finally turned towards you, right before he left once and for all. 

"Fired! You are fired, from your post at the Ministry, (y/n)! Say goodbye to that huge cubicle I allocated for you, all the Ministry privileges I allowed you, the friendship I extended to you, and your best friend _Lucius Malfoy!_ He will hear about this!"

Instead, you let out a dry chuckle, finally feeling your spirits lifted slightly for the night. "Thank Merlin, then, Minister. I will be sure to tell Lucius of this amazing piece of news, too."


	33. Legilimens

2nd April 1996

 _Dolores Jane Umbridge, Head of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._ "What a joke!" You said, ripping out the piece of parchment on the wall as you stared at her moving figure in it, wanting nothing more than to punch her through the photograph. Minerva, who was beside you, also gritted her teeth, and you were sure it was not because she had robbed the title of Headmistress right from under her feet. 

"It should've been you, as Headmistress," you quipped, beginning to walk to lunch. You were not looking forward to see Umbridge's smug face at all.

"I know. Even the stone gargoyle wanted to open for me, gave the woman a very hard time trying to access the office last night."

At your snicker, the mood lightened a little and the both of you walked towards the Great Hall in a considerably more comfortable silence. Though, it all changed when right after, Fred and George ran right out, past you and Minerva, and down the stairs. They were carrying heavy boxes of some sort, but you knew they were definitely not filled with school books. But then you caught sight of just one of the boxes, with the words _Weasley's Wildfire Whizbangs_ scrawled on them, and it confirmed your very suspicions. You would have stopped them, in any under circumstance, and gave them a month's worth of detention for causing disruption to the school and a headache to Dumbledore on how to organise a cleanup after them. But Dumbledore was no longer Headmaster, and you did not care even for a bit if Umbridge was the one tasked to clean all that up. 

Minerva, too, realised the same thing you did, and she shrugged as she parted ways with you and headed to her class. You, on the other hand, decided to stick around. Following the boys just a short distance behind them, you could not say you were surprised when soon enough, a loud explosion rang through the air, followed by the sight of dragons comprised entirely of green and gold sparks soaring up and down the corridors. As you got closer, more mayhem reigned, as Catherine wheels, rockets, sparklers and firecrackers appeared in your view, exploding everywhere too. It looked like Hogwarts had turned into a circus. Filch and Umbridge came into view, horror transfixed in their eyes, and you gave a knowing smirk. The other students that had been with you, also looked at you expectantly, but you did nothing. 

Umbridge saw you, at the top of the stairs, and cried out, "Professor (l/n)! Don't just stand there, do something!"

"I can't, Umbridge. This requires knowledge beyond my classroom, and Educational Decree Number Twenty-Six forbids me to tell you. Besides, I couldn't be bothered to think of a solution for this, have fun!" You grinned at her clenched fists and red face, before walking off. You had seen enough, and you were leaving the boys to it. 

When the bell rang later that day and Umbridge had stumbled out of your classroom, soot-blackened and sweaty, you swore the students caught your satisfied grin as well. In truth, you only had to wave your wand once to rid of the dragons that had entered, but you did nothing of the sort. Even Flitwick, who you caught outside his classroom later on, was teasing her and attributing his attempt to do nothing to not being sure if he _had the authority._ You gave him a high five before you left, not remembering when the last time you had so much fun was.

3rd April 1996

As you walked into Severus' office that night, still beaming from the previous day, he noticed it immediately. "Someone's in a very good mood."

"Oh, I can't remember when the last time I smiled and laughed so much was, Severus. Seeing Umbridge struggling so much in her new role as Headmistress," You snickered, "Is it wrong for me to take pleasure in her demise?"

When Severus shook his head incredulously, checking the clock on the wall to ensure that Harry was not late, you giggled and continued. "Of course not, not for someone like her."

You could tell something was off about him, and he had just returned from another Death Eater meeting, so you did not find it particularly unusual or anything, but his refusal to talk more than a few sentences to you was still a bit strange. "Are you okay, Sev?"

He sighed, and chucked his marking away. "Let's just get started on the boy's lessons. That is, if he arrives on time. It is my shift today, is it not?"

You nodded, and he rolled his eyes. "Perfect."

But Harry seemed to enter the office with the same sour mood Severus had, slamming the door shut so loudly that it made you wince. _Great, two out of three in this room with horrible tempers,_ you thought, before resuming your usual position by Severus' bookcases. But Severus stood, and faced you. "Because Potter has deemed himself too good for this class that he finds himself able to traipse in anytime he wants to, tonight, we shall try with the both of us entering his mind, how does that sound? Test whether he really is as good as his arrogant self allows him to believe."

_Sev, let's not do this again. The boy is not accomplished enough—_

"That settles it then. Professor (l/n) agrees with me." Severus decided, completely ignoring you. A look of horror etched itself onto Harry's face, and you found yourself silently apologising to him. Taking your position beside Severus, you slowly took your wand out and prepared yourself by extracting your memories alongside him in a different Pensieve.

Harry was about to say something, something at all to save himself from two Occlumens trying to invade his mind again, when Draco Malfoy seemed to have saved him. He burst through the door, asking for Severus to save his Slytherin Montague. He gave the two of you a look, before following Draco right out. You, having completed extracting your memories, were about to turn to Harry to commence the lesson anyway, when the door burst open a second time.

It was Cho Chang this time. She was crying, head buried in her hands, and for a second you wondered how did she find out that you were here. But then, it was not difficult to assume where else you could be if you were not in your office. 

"Cho, what is it?" You asked, though Harry shot her a betraying look. _Weren't the two a thing?_

She gave out her answer in hiccoughs. "Marietta...hospital...wing!"

At her words, you had no choice but to put your wand down again, step away from the Pensieve, and follow the Ravenclaw right out. Before you left, though, you distinctly remembered telling Harry _not to touch anything._

When you returned later that night, from a false alarm that you thought the girl had been in trouble (when in reality, she was only freaking out about why her face was still deformed and begged you if you knew an antidote), you discovered that the door to Severus' office was ajar. _Weird, he never left it open._

As a precaution, you took out your wand, heading inside slowly. But the sight that greeted you nearly made you drop it, however. Harry had his whole face in the Pensieve, while Severus was standing beside him, suddenly dragging him out with a force so hard that the boy shook when he resurfaced. Severus had never looked more terrifying, even to you, then. His face was white with anger, his lips shaking in fury and his teeth bared as he glared murderously at the boy. Then, in one quick motion, Severus threw Harry with all his might, and the boy skidded across the dungeon floor before his head hit the ground and landed right under you. 

"Amusing man, your father, wasn't he?" Severus shook with rage, and you found it hard to move. It was as if you were immobilised. _Harry looked into Severus' Pensieve. Harry accessed the memories Severus had wished to keep him from seeing. Harry broke my trust._

"I—didn't—"

"Harry, how much did you see?" You asked, an airiness to your voice. He looked up, terrified, and shook his head. 

"Not much, I only saw Professor Snape's—"

"You will not tell anybody what you saw!" Severus bellowed, "Not even her!"

"No, of course, I—"

"Get out, get out, I don't want to see you in this office ever again!" 

Harry, with fear and guilt in his eyes, hurried onto his feet and hurtled out of the door straightaway, not caring if he bumped into you in the process and nearly knocked you over. He was gone in a second, flying along the corridor and out of sight before you could say one more word to him.

You would have chased after him, to ask him what exactly did he see in there that made Severus react in such a manner, but the man himself was before you then, gripping onto his desk so hard that his knuckles turned white. His whole body was shaking, and his hair hid his face as he turned away from you. 

"Severus..." You started, not knowing how to approach this. 

"Get out, please get out," he begged in response, though his words came out in hitched, wet gasps. He was crying. 

"Severus, come on, it's alright, you're alright." You approached him, and you were just about to reach out to touch him again, lay your hand over his, when he looked up sharply at you and with a wave of his wand, shouted, _"EXPELLIARMUS!"_

Instantly, you were thrown to the other side of the room, crashing upon his potion bottles and knocking your head against a shelf so hard that you instantly felt your vision go blurry. He walked over to you, and made a move to raise his wand one more time when you yelled, _"Impedimenta!"_

He was surprised by how quickly you could react, especially since you had just suffered a massive head injury, so when he finally knocked the spell off, you were already standing and facing him again. "Severus! Stop this! You don't get to push me away, to hide your pain from me by trying to hurt me! I'm not leaving!" 

"GET OUT!" He seemed like he was no longer listening to you, and shouted out another hex that you quickly deflected. He only got angrier and angrier as you blocked off each of his attacks, coming closer and closer to him. "Fight back, then! Fight back if you dare!"

"Severus, please," you pleaded, _"I don't want to hurt you!"_

"I don't care! Fight back! I know what you are, you and Harry have been plotting this, haven't you? You would leave, let the boy have the office to himself, where he can expose me and my worst memories! You have been plotting this from the start, you wench!"

 _He is hurting, he has his walls up. Don't give up._ "Severus, I promise you that that's not what happened! Cho Chang called me out the moment Draco called you, and I told the boy to not touch anything! Look, come here," You paused from duelling him for a moment, and risking it all, you surged forward to hold his face in your hands, while he struggled wildly. _"Look, Severus, look inside."_

His eyes were filled with hurt and he struggled as hard as he could to get you away from him, far enough away so that he could hex you, but you fought to keep him looking at you. Then, with a raise of his wand and a thought that filled your head that he was going to perform an Unforgivable Curse on you, he only closed his eyes, and murmured, _"Legilimens."_

Instantly, the images that filled his head were from your memories. It was memories of the night, of you entering his office that day, to when Harry entered in a considerably bad mood as well, to when he left and you were left alone with Harry. There was a memory in which Harry made a move to ask you about him, to have a chance to insult him once more, but you simply deflected it and continued extracting your memories to your own Pensieve. Then, a memory of Cho calling out to you, and you telling Harry not to touch anything before you left, before you moved away from his office once and for all. _You had been telling the truth._

Severus had thought that was enough, and he almost severed the connection when you shook your head, and implored him to dive deeper. He did, and when he opened his eyes to access even more memories, he found that they were memories of the time you spent with the Death Eaters. You had never allowed yourself to tell him about these experiences, and he understood, they were harrowing and no sane person would have wanted to repeat them for the sake of going through them again. But you allowed him to see. In particular, it was a session in which you and your mother were finally left alone in that summer home. She had recently found out, through The Dark Lord, of the time you had patched Severus up when he tried to carve out his Dark Mark, the night you took care of him despite everything. 

"Taking care of damaged goods like that, you would be better off marrying a useless Muggle, then, wouldn't you?!" The woman shrieked, threatening to throw the mug she was holding at you. 

"Mother, enough! I don't need you lecturing me about this, I have the right on what I want to do with my life, and I want to be with him!"

"Are you stupid, my girl, or just oblivious?! You don't know what Severus Snape was like, I knew him from when he was in school! Your father and I were very involved in Hogwarts, you see, and we saw...what kind of _potential_ that boy had. We swore that you would never enter that school because of people like him! Our daughter, associating with his kind, filthy, disgusting and incredibly poor! Embarrassing, tarnishing the name of Hogwarts, if you ask me! That boy, had one thing going on in his life, that stupid Mudblood Lily Evans, and he ruined even that! It was no wonder that James Potter and Sirius Black picked on him so much! He deserved worse, if you ask me, and if he...if he had not proved _useful_ to our cause, we were sure that he would be among the first we wanted to eliminate in our cleanse of this world! My girl, why can't you see it? You are losing yourself to him, what kind of love potion has he put on you to make you want to stay like this?!"

"STOP! Just...stop, please," You rubbed your temples, her voice blaring through your head. "Severus is kind, and smart and loving and everything you didn't know he was, mother! He was a victim of bullying, and you don't know, and perhaps you never will, but the odds were never in his favour, could you not see? Of course you would see him in that manner, compared to James Potter, a wealthy pure-blood like you, he had everything! He had the looks, the money, the friends, it was no wonder people saw him as the hero and Severus the villain in everything, and so did you! You...you are not a hero by trying to save me, mother. _I don't need you to save me,_ and I especially don't need you to meddle with Severus now! Please, if you ever want to make up for all the years of hurt you inflicted upon me, the years you thought you were saving me, you would leave him alone! I don't care what happens to me, I would do anything for him, and you will never be able to understand that, because you have never experienced anything beyond greed and pride for pure-bloods! I love him, and nothing you do will make me stop loving him. He is everything to me, and it pains me that nobody sees him the way I see him. He is damaged, yes, and he is not perfect, but he can change, mother. You shouldn't keep the impression you had of him when he was young and carry it forward until now. The Severus now, is nothing like the Severus then, his heart overflows with kindness of which this world is not worthy of."

But she only looked at you, the mug then put down and her face clearly sunken. "You are an incurable romantic. You fail to see the big picture, my girl. Do not come to me when you are on your deathbed because of him, and beg me to take you back because of how much he has ripped you apart."

And then she left, but not before slipping something into your robes then. It was a photograph, one of a very handsome young man, much younger than Severus was, with long black hair like he had, and the most piercing blue eyes. His smile was shining even through the image, and as you flipped the photograph behind, you realised that it had his contact details, his name, and his age written elegantly, along with the words, _Marry this man, and you will never have to live a day in hardship again._

Severus knew your mother had intended to slip you that earlier, when she was still holding the mug, but after the argument you just had, even he could tell she had given up, only hoping you would see it yourself how horrible a man like Severus was to you. 

But nothing mattered then, as he severed the connection, and looked towards you again. You had tears in your own eyes, and you noticed that he had suddenly stopped trying to fight you off. He was calmer, more composed, though his breaths were still shaky from the painful memory he endured earlier. 

You spoke first. "You don't have to tell me what that memory was, Severus, and I am perfectly fine with not knowing. But you must know, I must make you know, that I am here for anything and everything, and you don't ever have to go through your worst memories alone again. You have me now, and you should know that you deserve me as much as I deserve you, so don't think of yourself as anything less because of your past. You cannot be reborn again, but you can change as you go. And until then, I will be with you, every step of the way."

The memory had been his worst memory, one that he wanted to forget and never revisit again, and although he yearned to tell you right then and there, something else occupied his mind. It was a feeling of gratitude, of immense appreciation, and most of all, of _love_. 

He leaned down and pressed his lips against yours, almost angrily. They were trembling, and his hands were holding your waist so hard that you were sure it was going to bruise, but you allowed him to hurt you anyway. He held you tighter, until you could not breathe, and captured your lips over and over in his again, before carrying you and throwing you onto the bed. He was hurt, and very much anguished, and with the way he had tied your hands up to the bed post to the way he was tearing your skin and biting so hard that it bled and bruised and you winced in pain, you did not care. You loved him, as much as he loved you, and you would gladly let him hurt you if it meant that he would know just how much love you had for him you had in store.


	34. At My Worst

3rd April 1996

"Severus, lean back a little for me, will you?" You coaxed. The man complied, his body settling on yours. He sighed amidst the suds and bubbles in the water, trying to relax. With the new position, you could lather the shampoo easier, and you carefully and comfortingly let your hands run through his head, giving his scalp a massage while washing his shoulder-length hair. 

The tub shook slightly, water overflowing as Severus turned to face you, and you clucked your tongue in protest because you had not finished washing his hair. Instead, he took a deep breath, and studied you. Your naked form to him, he let his hands roam from your face to your neck to your chest, and then even lower, studying the bruises he left on you. You wondered if he found joy in doing it every time you and him slept together, sort of like prizes, trophies, to add to his collection. He had patched up the areas where his fingernails had tore, though they left faint scars that were still visible to him. You realised not long ago that the bedroom was where he felt the most control, where he for once, could demand the power and feel most _like a man_ than anywhere else, relinquishing the hold over you where he could nowhere else. Severus struggled with the idea of power, an authority complex, you noticed. He sought approval from Dumbledore, preened at Cornelius Fudge's admiration of him, and even wanted Sirius to meet justice through the courts. You would have thought that it stemmed from being powerless in his youth, and part of the reason he became a Death Eater was because he had wanted that power to come to him somehow. He was always so mean to the students, not because he did not want to be their friend, but because he wanted them to revere him in the battle he had fought long and hard for, to gain their respect. It was sort of a catharsis, sex to him, and although you knew it seemed so small in where his trauma lay, if it made him feel better and allowed him to slowly gain confidence through its means, you would happily comply to him hurting you in such a manner. 

"Beautiful, absolutely beautiful," he whispered, his hands still on your skin. Then, he let out the breath he had been holding, and collapsed into your body once more. Nuzzling his head into you, you hummed quietly, the low lighting of the candle that illuminated the room and the contrast of the warm water he was in to the freezing temperature of the dungeons comforting. Carding your fingers through his hair, you grabbed a pail and slowly washed the shampoo away, careful not to let any get into his eyes or ears as he continued resting on you.

"Sev," you finally called out after a while, and he squeezed your arm as a form of acknowledgment. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He was silent for a long while, his breathing even and cold against your heated flesh, until his head lifted and his eyes finally met yours. "Potter saw me, at my worst."

When you nodded, he continued, "It was right after my OWLs. I was sitting near the lake, looking through my paper, when that horrendous _James Potter_ and _Sirius Black_ came up to me, and thought it would be lovely to hex me again. I could have fought them off, of course, but everyone was there, watching, and _Lily_ was there. She...she tried defending me from Potter, stood up for me, but of course Potter only stopped for the sole reason of placating her. I was angry, resentful and I did something I did not mean."

He looked away, sloshing the water in the tub, but when your hands found themselves along his jaw again, you dipping your forehead to meet his, he allowed himself to utter the next words. "Called her a _Mudblood_. That...had been the biggest mistake of my life. She broke off our friendship, I lost her forever then. But Potter just had to make it worse, he...he took off my pants, in front of the whole crowd of students."

Severus shifted uncomfortably, and noticed your frown. Though, it was gone as quickly as it came, and you had reverted back to an expression that showcased none of your feelings. _She feels sympathy, for me._ The man cringed, he never liked others feeling sorry for him, it only made him feel even worse, even weaker than he was. "Whatever. Harry Potter saw all of that, except for the last part. The boy finally saw just what his father was really like."

"Oh, Sev," you cooed, not caring then what Harry saw. It was what James did, that made you feel horrible. He had been assaulted, and obviously it meant so much to him, that when he allowed himself to be vulnerable around you, to let you see him for who he was, see him even in his naked, most vulnerable form, it suddenly hit you with just how much he trusted you. With words left unsaid, you let your lips travel to his temple, and kissed him softly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I just wished...I could have done things differently. That way, maybe things would not have turned out the way they turned out. Even if I could never have Lily, if I had done things differently, I could have saved her from dying."

You only pulled him in closer, and softly, slowly, he began crying again. He felt comfortable, safe enough, to cry in your arms, and you could not be more thankful that you had the opportunity to be there for him right then.

5th April 1996

"No, you don't understand. I made a promise to Dumbledore! I would study Occlumency!" The boy in front of you shouted, and you swiftly put your hands over his mouth, not wanting to be heard right outside his common rooms. It was midnight, after all, and the boy would do better without Umbridge knowing what he was doing with you. 

"Harry, keep your voice down. You must understand, Harry, that I am not even supposed to be talking to you right here, right now. If Professor Snape—"

"I hadn't meant it. I really hadn't meant to stumble upon his memory, and you have to understand, Professor! Even if Snape doesn't want to teach me anymore, you have to teach me! I'll work twice as hard, I'll go for more lessons, I'll read your book religiously—"

"Oh, but Harry, you had meant it," You gave him a sorry look, "You invaded his privacy, and you hurt him deeply, Harry. I made a promise to Professor Snape, and we can't...I can't...the book is all you have left now, though I am not sure it would be much help, without practice." 

The boy grabbed your hands, and pleaded, "Professor, for once, please, forget about Snape, will you? If it weren't for him, you would still be teaching me, right? You wouldn't harbour this hate towards me, for him?"

"I don't hate you, Harry. But I cannot betray Professor Snape, you know this."

"He is going to make you _hate_ me, soon enough. Please, Professor," he begged, but you only held his hands briefly in response, before forcing him to let go. There had been no argument, no fight, in your head. It was clear who had won. 

"I'm sorry, Harry. From this day onwards, Professor Snape and I will no longer be teaching you Occlumency. Enjoy your Easter holidays," you said, giving him one last look, before sweeping away into the darkness of the night. He could be heard slamming the portrait so hard later on, as he entered, that all the other portraits woke up and began a cascade of curses upon him.

23rd April 1996

You had barely stepped foot in number twelve, Grimmauld Place, when Remus and Sirius had immediately come running down the stairs, ganging up on you.

"How could you and Severus give up on him like that?" Sirius exclaimed.

"And now, of all times! Are you crazy?!" Remus yelled. "(y/n), there is nothing—"

"More important than the boy learning Occlumency, yes, I understand. That is why," you sighed, rubbing your temples tiredly. "I handed him a copy of _Guide to Advanced Occlumency_ , complete with my own annotations and notes. It should suffice, for the time being, until..."

"...Until when?!" Sirius retorted angrily. 

"Until Severus forgives him. And Merlin knows when that will be." You set your stuff down, taking off your jacket and hanging up by the coat rack. The Death Eater mask you had just worn in a meeting a few hours prior to this Order meeting weighed heavily in the jacket, and you were relieved to finally be able to take it off. Your shoulders ached. 

"Of course, _Snivellus_ and his grudges," Remus said softly, but you had heard it. 

"Remus, don't start. Did you think he held a grudge when you came into Hogwarts again, years ago, and basically brewed Wolfsbane potion for you every time the full moon drew near? Did you think he _enjoyed_ being your drink slave? You would purposefully wait until the very last possible day in which you could drink your potion, would you, until he had to haul himself and force you to drink? You were reckless, and you enjoyed him being fearful of you, all because of that night that you and _you,_ " You pointed at Sirius, "Nearly killed him! He was being responsible, he did not keep his grudge, you did! You took advantage of his worst fears, and exploited it to the point where he had no choice! _So how dare the two of you say with such confidence, that he was holding grudges?!"_

The two of them were silent, as you breathed heavily, your fists balled by your sides and your expression murderous. Remus had never looked more ashamed, and you wondered if what you had assumed, at least, some part of it was true. He refused to meet your eyes, the thought that you, the person he was closest to at that time, had also been close to Severus at that point in time, and that you could draw conclusions based on what you had seen yourself. He never would have thought you could figure it out, but you did. And that made it all the more worse, because above all, _you were his friend._

But Molly appeared from the dining hall, and noticing the tense atmosphere between the three of you, she retreated for a while to grab Tonks for backup. When they returned, Remus had opened his mouth, wanting to apologise, but Sirius was intending on holding him back. 

"Is there something wrong?" Tonks was the first one to speak, and all three of your gazes snapped towards her. 

You dared the two men to tell them, tell them of what had just happened, but they remained silent. Walking briskly past them to the dining hall where the other members were, you managed, "Nothing out of the ordinary, Tonks."

"She's adopted his temper too, hasn't she?" Sirius could be heard saying from the back.

3rd June 1996

Even the news that Gryffindor had flattened Ravenclaw in Quidditch in the previous day's match could not have bothered you anymore, as you returned, from a two week stay at your summer home under the mercy of The Dark Lord, back to Hogwarts. Severus had welcomed you with open arms, saying he had missed you terribly, but you had been so exhausted that you merely fell asleep as he held you, not bothering to reply him in the process. He knew that you loved him anyway. 

What was worse, The Dark Lord had been in a horrible mood, well, more horrible than usual. Ever since the death of Broderick Bode and the failure to obtain the prophecy he so badly wanted, as well as the Imperius Curse he thought he still had on you unknowingly not working as much as it used to, it all attributed to his horrid temper and mood swings the past few weeks. Already, he had put about seven Death Eaters under the Cruciatus Curse for only slightly pissing him off, and each time you had to watch, it only became worse and worse. But the cherry on top, however, had been the plans he had made to obtain the prophecy. Set out in groups, he had tasked the Death Eaters, including you, to obtain it soon enough, though the details of it were not disclosed fully, and you only knew bits and pieces of his plan, which was quite frustrating for yourself, as well as the Order. Even Severus, as the two of you had a long chat when you returned, barely knew anything about this final mission he had planned out. It seemed like he really wanted to save it all for himself.

But you had a job to carry out, and worrying all about what The Dark Lord was planning was not getting you anywhere. The fifth-years were taking their OWLs very very soon, and even you were getting quite antsy with the amount of revision left to cover. Under Educational Decree Number Twenty Six, you were not permitted to give any student extra lessons or information beyond stipulated class times, but you had always been able to find loopholes around the woman's terrible rules. You and Minerva had. So telling the students in a very low voice after your class for that day, you informed them that should they require extra guidance and help for their upcoming examinations, they would be able to find you and a certain Transfigurations professor at the back of the Hogwarts library after midnight, near the restricted section. Under no circumstance were they to spill to any other cohort, and they seemed to understand. You just hoped that a repeat case of what Marietta Edgecomb had done would not happen, you would hate to be fired then, of all times.

8th June 1996

Severus, it seemed, finally caved in to your pleadings for him to give extra Potions guidance too, and joined you and Minerva on the very last night before the OWLs examiners were to arrive at the library. He was complaining the whole way through, though, as you pulled back a seat for him and he threw his books beside you. The students who had come for consultations and extra lessons were surprised and a little afraid to see him, but with your assurance that he was there to teach as well and that you would scold him if he went out of line since he was right beside you, they warmed up and asked him questions as well. 

At the end of the session, when the sun had begun to rise and the very last student had shuffled out, you found the man beside you laying his head on your shoulder, fast asleep. Minerva had left a few hours ago to catch a few winks before breakfast, and it was just the two of you.

The atmosphere felt serene, with the sunlight slowly shining in, and Severus' soft snores beside you. Carefully, you shut the book in your hands, kept your quill and inkwell, and turned to him. He looked the most peaceful while asleep, his features softened and his skin glowing. Then, you realised, as your eyes looked him over, that he had been wearing his wedding band. He said, not too long ago, that it had given him comfort while you were away, and you presumed that he had just forgotten to take it off when you returned. Though, as it shined brightly in the soft glow of the library, you felt your heart squeeze at the sight of it, and for the first time in a while, you wondered if in a perfect world, without all the obstacles that had prohibited the two of you from getting married for real, if you would be as happy then as you were right now. It suddenly did not matter anymore if you and him were married, only that you knew that you would spend the rest of your life with him. No rings, or pieces of parchment could ever give you the same satisfaction as knowing he would be by your side forever more. 

Pressing a kiss to the crown of his hair, you softly shook him awake. "Sev, it's time to go."

He yawned as he rose, and without anybody else watching, he let out a grin and wrapped his arms around you. "How long had I been asleep?"

"Just for a few hours."

"And you didn't wake me?"

"You looked so peaceful. I figured you needed the rest."

"Mm," he leaned in to you, and pressed his forehead against yours. "I love you."

"And I love you too."


	35. All Coming Together

13th June 1996

It was only after the last student had entered the classroom for where the Defence Against the Dark Arts paper and practical exam was held, did you allow yourself a sigh of relief. _It was over._ The bulk of your worries for the OWLs were over, and you could focus fully on what The Dark Lord was planning then. 

You were outside the room, asking each student who finished their paper what they thought of it, as well as whether they were considering taking Defence Against the Dark Arts to the NEWT level the following year. Most of the ones you recognised as part of Dumbledore's Army said yes, though Neville was a little unsure. 

"Oh, but I would want to see you in my class next year, Neville! Don't give up now!" You said, pulling the boy aside. 

"But Professor Umbridge," he cringed saying her name. "She said I wouldn't be able to manage, and you know, you did say you would not accept anyone with a score of below an 'E'."

"Don't worry about what that woman says. I've seen you improve tremendously, Neville, you have to believe in yourself," you assured, and the boy thanked you before waking away. 

When Harry appeared out of the room, though, you only gave him a quick nod, knowing he did well, and proceeded to leave. He looked like he was about to say something, but stopped when you had turned on your heels and began walking down the hallway. All you needed was to see that he was alright, and to see the prideful smirk on his features, it told you all you needed; he had aced his examination.

19th April 1996

"Professor (l/n)!" You paused from the paperwork you had been reading, and looked up to Umbridge rushing down the stairs to face you. You could already feel a leer forming on your face. The woman's hair was incredibly messy, her usual bright pink robes a little torn and tattered, and her plump face sweating profusely. You took a step down the stairs in disgust. 

She pulled out something hastily from the giant box she had been carrying, and shoved it in front of her. Your eyes tried to focus into what it was, but when it wriggled and threatened to bite her sausage-like fingers off, you realised that it had been a Niffler. 

"How may I help you, Umbridge?" You bit back your annoyance. 

"You know who did this! I know you do! It must be Hagrid, that wretched gamekeeper! Him and his filthy little creatures...!" The Niffler threatened to bite her again, and this time, you rushed forward to take it away from her in case she hurled it down the stairs. It rested more comfortably in your hands, and in contrast to the woman's very violent way of handling it, your kind approach had it relaxing slightly as it allowed you to carry it. 

"You should really wash that mouth out with soap, Umbridge. Hagrid is no longer just a gamekeeper, he is our Care of Magical Creatures teacher now, and you would do good addressing him as such. Besides, though I am not obliged to give you this information, I am very sure he is teaching a class now, and could not have possibly sneaked this Niffler in to your office."

She narrowed her eyes, before pointing a pudgy finger straight at you. _"You!_ You will be next, right after Hagrid! You will be fired, oh yes, I will see to it personally that you do! Your Dumbledore's not here to save you now, Professor!" 

You only smiled back at her, before walking away. She yelled after you, absolutely fuming, but you ignored her and instead focused on the cute little creature in your arms then, who had taken a particular interest in the gold coins you kept in the pockets of your robes. 

Though, as you thought about it again later at night, while the Niffler was ransacking a drawer under your close watch, Umbridge's words suddenly rang in your head again. _Hagrid. Fired._ Was she really serious about firing Hagrid? She could not be, right? Those were empty threats, and she would not—

You stood up suddenly, remembering that she had _Ministry workers_ with her right now, and that they could be used to her disposal in firing the man. _Merlin, she is really doing it._ You hurriedly stuffed the Niffler back to its temporary cage, grabbed your coat, and ran right out to the Hogwarts grounds, hoping to warn Hagrid before she got to him first.

"Hagrid! Hagrid!" You cried out, hoping he could hear from his hut and come out immediately, but as you got closer and closer you realised that Hagrid's hut was already open, and there were six distinct figures right outside his door. Perhaps the most distinguishable one, was the short and stumpy figure of Dolores Umbridge. _How could she?!_

You knew that if you went any further, you would get caught, and you stopped in your tracks for a moment. Heaving, wracking your brain to think of a solution, you watched in horror as suddenly, they all raised their wands upon the very tall figure of Hagrid, and tried to _stun him_. 

"How dare you! _How dare you!_ Leave him alone! _Alone,_ I say! On what grounds are you attacking him? He has done nothing, nothing to warrant such—" You turned, and saw Minerva suddenly running from the side of the castle towards the group. 

"Minerva, no!" You yelled, but it was too late. She had good intentions, really, but the moment the group laid their eyes on her and Umbridge's sickly laugh filled the air, you saw the red beams from no fewer than four Stunners shot at her. She was lifted right off her feet, and landing so hard on her back, it immediately immobilised her before you could stop the force in which she was falling with. Immediately coming out of the shadows, you bolted right towards her. 

The other Ministry wizards saw you, and while they waited for Umbridge's approval to attack you as well, you used the opportunity to stun them right back, knocking down two in the process and petrifying one more. Umbridge's eyes flashed with hatred as she saw you, but Hagrid roared behind her and suddenly her attention was diverted to him again. 

"Minerva, Minerva, can you hear me?" You patted her face, but she was knocked out cold. Your heart drumming very hard against your chest, you hoisted the woman up to your shoulders, and carried her as fast as you could back to the castle. Your footsteps loud amongst the eerily quiet floor of the castle grounds, it felt like forever until you reached the infirmary and Madam Pomfrey helped take the woman off your shoulders. She immediately tended to Minerva's injuries while you waited outside, leaning your head against the cold wall and wishing that you had _just gotten there earlier._ If you had, Minerva would not have been stunned, Hagrid would not have been forced to leave. You should have taken Umbridge's words more seriously.

But as quickly as that thought came, it was gone, when a sudden searing, unbearable pain spread through your arm again. _He's calling me to him,_ you winced, as you rolled up your sleeves and unwrapped your bandage. There, the Dark Mark grew blacker than ever, and you nearly cried out as the fire that had been in your bloodstream spread rapidly through your whole body. Sparing one last glance at the figure of Madam Pomfrey crouched over Minerva, you decided that you could afford to leave then, and clutching your left arm, hurriedly left to the Forbidden Forest once more to apparate to The Dark Lord's side.

20th April 1996

"Everything comes together today. I trust that all of you are ready, all of you are prepared?" The low, cold voice of the man you most feared spoke, and you felt yourself nod slowly. His final part of the plan fell on today, as you had only been informed of, the previous night. Truth be told, you were not sure what to expect, but you remembered your blood going ice cold when he spoke of luring someone from the Order as a bait for the final part, and you yearned to ask him who he had been planning to lure. _Please don't let it be someone I know. Please don't let it be him._

"Today, my followers, today I will finally hear the prophecy that I have waited to hear for far too long. All of you here," He swept past the room, past many faces you had recognised then, but mostly of those who you helped break from Azkaban. "All of you here will lure Harry Potter to the Department of—"

 _"Harry Potter?"_ You let slip, and his red, angry eyes turned to you. 

"Is there a problem, my little Ravenclaw?" He sneered, approaching you then. "Your Harry Potter, obtaining the prophecy for me tonight?"

Your heart in your mouth, you swallowed uneasily. Your fingers were shaking from the absolute _horror_ you felt, finally hearing about his plan, but you hid it as bravely as you could. "N-not at all, my lord. I was simply surprised, that's all. I would've thought...the boy would come later, in your plans."

"Yes, that was what I told you, wasn't it? Well, as I have found out from your own reporting, my girl, is that him and I are more connected than I would have liked. So, I am using this very useful information now, and drawing his favourite _Sirius Black_ to me, to lure him in. Clever, is it not?" He grinned, and your skin crawled. The room was spinning, but you could no longer escape. No, you had to carry out the plan until the very end. 

"Of course, my lord," you shakily replied.

Later that night, as you rounded the other Death Eaters and did a headcount before sneaking them into the Ministry with a secret passageway that you had learnt of from Arthur Weasley, you discovered that there were more of them than you would have preferred. _How am I going to get Harry out of this with so many of them, and only two of us? I cannot count on the boy to duel as well, not with his age and skill._

"Do we really need so many of us here tonight?" You asked, suddenly feeling very certain that you may be meeting your end tonight. Your father's eyes met yours, warning you not to speak any further. _Merlin, what if he died tonight? What if I had to duel him tonight? Would I be able to do it, fight my own father?_

"Scared, _little Ravenclaw?_ " Bellatrix's voice sounded out, and you gulped. Shaking your head vehemently, you played it off coolly as you rounded them up once more. _I have to, don't I? At some point I have to._ You had not seen him for so long, due to him being assigned to other tasks, that to see him only tonight, of all nights, where it seemed like the most dangerous mission you ever had to be a part of yet, it only made you feel even worse about the thought of having to fight him.

Slipping inside the Ministry was easy, seeing that it was nightfall by the time you arrived and most of the workers had left. Though, the security guard did receive quite a shock when a large group of Death Eaters in masks and black cloaks showed up right when his shift started, but you dared not look back as you walked past him, Bellatrix taking care of him while the rest passed into the giant golden doors and down to the Department of Mysteries. 

Lucius Malfoy took care of the Aurors on guard, and once again you hung around the back, with bated breath, for the nightmare to end. Taking small, shallow breaths in hopes to calm yourself down, you were hoping that Harry was not stupid enough to believe that Sirius had been taken, that he was still safe at Grimmauld Place, and that he would stay right where he was at Hogwarts. 

"Bellatrix, wait...!" You found yourself saying when she grabbed an Unspeakable once inside, ready to kill him. She stopped her maniacal cackle for a moment, and looked at you. Having taken off her mask, you just then realised how much she had been nursed back to health, and how much stronger she had gotten since you broke her from Azkaban. It was terrifying, how the horrors of that prison did not seem to phase her right after she broke out. 

She dropped him on the ground, and he tried crawling away when her heels found its way to his neck, and held him still. "Oh, don't tell me you've gotten soft, _Ravenclaw_. What happened to that Auror you killed, the night you broke me out? I must really thank you for that, he was really starting to become a nuisance. If I had had my wand...dead in seconds! Are you backing out now, of all times?"

Everyone else was watching you, as you gripped your wand tightly, your hands cold and clammy. "N-no."

Though, you turned away sharply before you could see the green jet burst through from the end of her wand and killed the man on the spot.

Finally arriving at the Prophecy Room, your hands could not have been more shaky and your head cold. _I have to inform the Order, I have to inform Sirius, I have to inform Severus. I have to slip away._ Though, as you looked around for an opening, a place where you could go and nobody would notice your absence, you found there was none. Panic rose within, and you stepped back from the group for a moment to catch a breath. Nobody seemed to mind, as they settled around their hiding spots while waiting for the boy to come running right into the trap.

But as you leaned your head back against a shelf, something in it shifted, and you jolted away sharply. Turning to face it, you realised that it seemed like sort of a secret passageway, where looming ahead, was the exact same hallway you entered previously, just shy of the exit. Watching cautiously that no one was looking at you, you took the opportunity and slipped inside. 

_This is it. I have to get away._ Taking to your heels, you ran your hand against the wall as you ran, remembering just where the passageway came from in case you needed to return. Your heart was pounding as you approached the exit, and you willed yourself to run faster. _Anytime now, I will burst through those doors and disapparate to Grimmauld Place, where the Order will be, where Sirius will be, and Harry will not be baited into coming here once and for all._

It was so close, and you were nearly touching it already, when suddenly, a loud crack from above and a figure hurtling towards you was all that filled your line of vision, and you jumped back just in time to see two other Death Eaters rushing towards you. 

"I knew it! She has become too loyal to Dumbledore, to the other side! It was right that we disobeyed Lucius and waited here in case anything happened!" The voice was cold and high-pitched, and you brandished your own wand just as quickly as they took theirs out. 

The other one came closer, and slowly, they cornered you right at the edge of the circular room again, before the doors turned and transported the three of you into the room with the suspended brains. "The Dark Lord may trust you, but we _Slytherins_ know that _Ravenclaws_ would never be the same as us!" 

_Petrificus Totalus!_ Luckily, you ducked, and it missed your baby hairs by mere millimetres. Suddenly, a loud crash came from outside the door, followed by voices you recognised so well, voices of the students of _Hogwarts._ It was unmistakably Neville that spoke first, and the horrifying realisation came that Harry had brought members of Dumbledore's Army with him. Tearing your eyes away from your attackers for a moment, you reached out to yank open the door, when the one with the high-pitched voice screamed _COLLOPORTUS!_

 _"Stupefy!"_ You rebutted, and it hit her right across the chest, where she fell onto the ground with a loud thud. In the time you used to tear your eyes away, however, the other one had sneaked up onto you, and using his overweight figure and grubby hands, he had tackled you from behind and sent the both of you crashing onto the floor. 

"Let...me...go!" You fought, your wand still stuck in between yours and his body. 

He only laughed in your ear. "You chose to do the wise thing, trying to save your dear Harry Potter and his friends. See where that bravery gets you, _Ravenclaw_! Now not only will they never hear your warning, those children outside will die tonight, as will you. The only difference is, _no one_ will be able to find your body."


	36. The Veil

20th April 1996

You struggled under the man’s weight, feeling that your shoulders and back were being crushed. Harry and his group had walked past the circular room, entering the doors that led to everywhere else, and you knew that if they were not careful, if not entering the Prophecy Room, they may just accidentally fall prey to the lure of the veil.

 _Merlin, the veil._ The terrifying thought struck you, and the idea that Harry or any of the others with him falling behind it, it instantly gave you a burst of adrenaline, and you dragged your hand out from under the man's body, and screamed _Crucio_ in your head. A scream tore from his throat, the feeling of a thousand knives stabbing him, and he instantly rolled off of you.

"Make it stop! Please! Make it stop!" He cried. You got up, panting, and stared at him for a moment. _Let him suffer. He deserves it._ But as those thoughts filled your head, you quickly shook them away as fast. _This is not me. This is not me, and I shouldn't be feeling this way._

You reversed the Curse, and seeing as he was still too weak to stand and groaning on the floor, you did nothing further, and began running in search of Harry. Dread filled your bones, and as you ran further and further, past every room that they could be in, the aching in your shoulders from where you had landed on the floor dissipated, your body pumped with adrenaline. They were nowhere to be found, no matter how many rooms you opened and shut, and your anxiety was growing. 

Risking it all as you entered the final room aside from the Prophecy Room, you yelled, "Harry! Harry, where are you?"

No answer. 

_He's in the room. He's in the Prophecy Room._ You could cry, as the realisation filled your head and you sprinted out of the room and towards the one where the prophecy was. _Please don't be too late, please don't be too late,_ you repeated in your head over and over again. 

But right as you sprinted past a room and reached your hand out to turn the knob, you were swept away once more by a figure in the familiar black cloaks. This time, though, you were ready, and so were your reflexes, and you came face to face with Antonin Dolohov. 

"Where were you?!" He cursed, before cocking his head to the air, trying to hear something. "The boy's got the prophecy and he's running. Lucius' split us into pairs, you're with me!" 

He did not even give you time to reply, before he began running in the opposite direction. It gave you no choice but to follow, and as he charmed open a door that Hermione had shut, you felt your knees nearly buckle at the thought of having to duel them, or them thinking that you were going to kill them. 

Running into a black hallway, you were halfway through it when the man beside you saw the group. He interrupted Hermione before she could shut the door to another room, and your heart flew to your mouth as you followed him inside. 

_"IMPEDIMENTA!"_ He screamed, knocking Harry, Hermione and Neville off of their feet. Hermione, who was the nearest to you, smashed into a heavy bookcase, and the books cascaded down onto her body as she groaned in pain. Harry had been slammed into the stone wall, and Neville was nowhere to be seen. 

Dolohov was pleased. "WE'VE GOT HIM! IN AN OFFICE OF—"

 _"Silencio!"_ Hermione reacted as quickly, leaving the man gaping with no sound coming out from his mouth. You thrust him aside, and approaching Harry, he screamed _Petrificus Totalus_ , but you deflected it instantly. 

He was facing you then, terrified, and you opened your mouth to say something, anything, telling him to run, or that you were sorry this happened, that you could not get to him in time, but no words came out. You could only stare at him, your body frozen and his eyes searching yours. It seemed like you and him were worlds away in that moment. 

But then Hermione gave out a strangled cry, and you turned around only to find that Dolohov had struck a purple line across her chest, as he rendered her motionless and let her crumple to the ground. 

"NO!" You were jolted back to reality, and instantly waved your wand in response and sent him the Cruciatus Curse. He himself fell onto the ground beside Hermione, though when Neville's head appeared out of the table to try to help her, he reached out, amidst his agony, and snapped his wand in half. It sent you flying onto him, as you wrestled for his wand and him trying to fight you off. 

"Traitor! TRAITOR!" He screamed, as his hand tried reaching up to your mask to take it off. His had fallen off in the process of him falling, and you knew the sharp breaths from Harry was because he had recognised who the man was. "You deserve to die for what you've done! Let the whole world see your face, the face that betrayed The Dark Lord!"

He was growing weaker, as the spell hit him harder and harder, and you turned around to Harry. "GO! What are you waiting for?"

Your eyes pointed towards Neville, and this time, he was the one not frozen in place. He grabbed Hermione, and helped Harry to stand as Dolohov struggled underneath you. Harry turned around right before he left the room, trying to see who you were, despite Neville dragging him away. Then, you realised that his eyes flickered past you, towards the ground beside Dolohov. There, lay Hermione's wand. 

Picking it up swiftly, you threw it over to him and he caught it just as Dolohov's hand lodged itself around your neck and squeezed tightly. You choked, tears filling your eyes as his grip tightened despite him being in so much more pain than you were in, and Harry hesitated. 

"A Death Eater fighting another Death Eater." Neville's nasally voice (from where he had broken his nose) rang clearly in your head. You kept sending the man Curse after Curse, but his strength did not wane. 

"Why would she do it? Who—" Harry began, but you had picked up your wand, and in one quick swipe, shut the door right in front of him. He was not going to watch you die in Antonin Dolohov's hands. _Colloportus,_ you muttered, before turning your full attention to the man once more.

 _"Obliviate!"_ You pointed your wand towards the man's head, wiping him of his memories. Then, hoping it would work, you jammed your wand to the wrist that had been holding your neck, and pointed the Cruciatus Curse there. He gave one final scream in pain, and let you go. 

_I am not killing him. I can't kill him._ You took the Curse off, and as he writhed and shivered in the aftershocks of the pain, you kicked his wand as far as you could away. He will not remember anything that happened in this room, but you sure as hell would remember it for a lifetime.

The only noises were coming from the room with the veil. Pushing Dolohov to the side of the room, you stumbled out, heaving. Your neck was bruised and blue-black, but your day was made even worse when you entered the room. Lucius Malfoy and the remaining Death Eaters had cornered Harry, and as Bellatrix spotted you, she grinned and cackled loudly.

Harry sucked his breath in, still unsure of your motives, but as Bellatrix outstretched her hand for you to take, he watched as you took it and went to her side before he felt his heart fall. Still clutching the prophecy tightly in his hands, he realised that he had just lost the only hope he had of making it out of the place alive. Neville staggered behind him, blood running freely from his nose, and you yearned to reach out to help him fix it. 

Bellatrix's hand was on your shoulder, and she squeezed it, before sending Neville with a wave of the Cruciatus Curse. Your eyes widened beneath the mask, but there was nothing you could do. He cried out in agony, and you watched as he hit the floor after Macnair dropped him from his grip. "Bellatrix..."

She only laughed even louder in response. You clutched your wand, ready to risk everything then, and you considered if casting a curse on her or Macnair would be easier. But then you were stopped; when the doors above burst open again, and your breath caught in your throat as the people you had hoped to see all night long appeared. Though, right then, you were not sure if seeing them would guarantee your own safety, and you might just die in their hands, but one last look at Harry gave you the courage to swallow all your doubts. _If I die, at least he survives._

There, stood Sirius, Remus, Moody, Tonks, Rose and Kingsley Shacklebolt. Lucius turned, and raised his wand, but Tonks had already sent a Stunning Spell right at him. You took the opportunity to rip yourself from Bellatrix's grip, and shot a Stunning Spell at McNair instead. Chaos ensued, with everyone splitting up to meet their match, and flashes of green and red fought each other in the darkness of the room. Blasting another spell at Macnair after he dodged your spell, you hurriedly dragged Neville away from him, and threw him to Kingsley's side. He raised his eyebrows in surprise at you, but you figured he must have thought it was an accident and grabbed him anyway. You shot another spell towards Lucius, and he cursed as he dropped his wand and allowed Harry to slip past to join Neville. You distinctly remembered the boy thanking you with his eyes as he ran past, choosing not to attack you in the process.

You stared at him, and for a moment, just for a moment, you considered running with him. You would go home to Severus, you would be safe, and you did not have to duel anyone else, but that moment was ripped away from you the second Lucius got back his wand, and shot a spell that hit you straight on your back. It hurled you in front, but you got up in time to face him, and he looked absolutely livid. 

"I trusted you, _he_ trusted you. I will make sure you get punished for this!" He sent another spell, but you quickly deflected it. 

"Lucius, I had no choice!"

"You do, you always do! You killed Dolohov, didn't you? That was why you came here alone."

"I did no such thing, and you would know that if you were looking for the boy properly!" 

The man growled, and lunged for you. Sidestepping, you thanked the heavens that you had not lost your touch in speedy reflexes from Quidditch, as burst after burst of green jets bounced off the walls and around the both of you. Lucius was swift, decisive, but you were even quicker than him, and with one particularly hard Stunning spell hitting him on his chest, he practically flew away from you and tumbled onto the ground. 

Your cheek was bleeding, from a cut that he had swiped onto you, and your lungs hurt from the exertion like never before, _but you could not stop fighting._ Everything around you seemed to blur then, your eyes only focused on Lucius and stopping him from not letting Harry escape. He got up, and hatred flashed across his eyes once more as he gave one, two, three spells that sent you spiralling to the ground this time. Your head landed on the floor with a massive blow, and stars began to dance in front of you. 

"Get the boy, get the prophecy, while he still trusts you. Then we can forget this ever happened," Lucius said, his body weighing heavily and very much uncomfortably on top of yours. Your vision was blurry, with how hard your head hit the ground, and with his knee on your chest, it was hard to breathe in fresh gulps of air. 

But you did manage to summon all the saliva in your mouth, and spat on his face. He recoiled. "Never." 

He raised his wand, ready to utter the Killing Curse on you once and for all, when Bellatrix practically _screamed_ at the sight of him on top of you. She flung him off in an instant, and obviously she had not known what just happened or what you had done for Lucius to want to kill you, but she surged forwards and helped you up anyway. The man groaned, and Bellatrix was about to ask you _what the hell had happened_ when you silenced him and turned to her. 

"He was trying to kill the boy. I fought him because he did not deserve that privilege, only _The Dark Lord_ did."

She bared her crooked teeth in a smile. "You really are my favourite, _little Ravenclaw._ "

Bellatrix was _smiling_ at you, and you did not know if the pounding in your chest was from fear or excitement that she had approved of you, but you gave her a firm nod, and began splitting ways again from her, nevertheless. _I should not be thinking about these things now. I have to find him, I have to—_

Harry was with Sirius, and you sprinted down the stone steps as fast as you could to him, ready to pull him away from the action and usher him to safety. But Sirius did not know this, and as soon as he made eye contact with you, he shoved his wand in the air, and yelled attacking spells at you. _I have no time for this._ You deflected his spell, and yelled _Confringo_ in your head, sending him blasted to the other end of the room. 

The boy was frozen in fear, still holding onto the prophecy with his then sweaty hands, and he had not forgotten that you were the Death Eater that helped him escape. Only then, he was not sure what he was supposed to do with you right in front of him. You could not speak, for you were afraid that he would recognise your voice, so all you could do was thrust your wand from him, towards the exit, hoping he would pick up the hint that you were intending to protect him on his journey up. 

He did, and as he began running, the prophecy against his chest, you created a diversion from every single spell sent his way, deflecting it and sending it right back while Harry ran under the rain of jinxes and hexes. You could hear his breathing loudly, and you struggled a little to catch up with him while protecting him at the same time. He was already close, though, by the time you sent a hex back to Macnair, and he was right about to step out, to step into safety again, when he did a very foolish thing, and turned around to thank you. 

"Who are you, by the way?" Harry was breathless, but he bowed and nodded at you anyway. 

You were stunned for a moment, pausing to think, think of any excuse or fake identity to cover yourself up, because _god forbid_ his favourite teacher in school was the Death Eater that protected him, no, it would scar him for life, knowing that. You had to make something up. 

"I—" Before you could say anything more, the boy stepped forward, and that was when you saw it. Lucius had gotten up from where he was, and he was pointing his wand straight at Harry. Your eyes caught him in time, and right as the man yelled _Expelliarmus_ , was when your hand found itself on Harry's shoulder, and pushed him right away from where the jet was supposed to hit. He fell, but you had suffered the brunt of the spell and you were expelled into the air, before landing harshly on your shoulder and tumbling down the steps, one by one. 

It was excruciating, the pain of being flung from so high and landing on the cold, hard ground. And Lucius was about to continue attacking you, really, when he failed to notice that Moody had taken notice of him, and engaged him in a duel then, leaving him no choice but to leave you for later. You groaned, trying desperately for any remedy to ease the pain, and you thrust your shoulder as hard as you could to try to pop it back, but to no avail. You were motionless, and practically down for good. 

Looking around, you realised that the battle was still ongoing, fierce as ever, and your eyes found themselves on Remus. He had Rodolphus, and you found that your friend really was very good in battle, as he did not back down for a second, breathing through his own injuries while attacking the Death Eater in the process. You never liked Rodolphus anyway, so to see him finally meet his match in the form of a half-breed that he despised so much, it was kind of satisfying, despite everything. 

But then you realised just where you were, and suddenly, the world around you stopped moving. Sirius was battling Bellatrix, and although he was laughing and putting up a very good fight, you knew he was going to lose, because _Bellatrix was planning on sending him behind the veil._

It was as if adrenaline coursed through you like never before; you shot to your feet instantly, and the pain in your shoulder was gone as you ran towards the paring duo. _Sirius, get away from there!_ You wanted to scream, but you found that your mouth had gone dry. Bellatrix sent him a second jet across his chest, and this time, his feet were tethering on the edge of falling right through. 

You reached the edge of the veil just in time; and grabbing the man's hand, you physically felt Bellatrix widen her eyes in shock at the sight of you _helping him,_ but you did not care. You were not going to let Sirius die just like that. His hand had found yours, his eyes still not quite sure what he was looking at, but you nodded at him firmly, and tried to pull. 

_I can do it, I know I can. He is not going behind the veil._ You tugged, and it looked like Sirius was regaining his balance, it looked like he was almost able to stand and pull himself out of it again. You tugged harder, and this time, his laughter had stopped, and he was fully aware of what almost happened while he allowed you to pull him back. 

And in a perfect world, two seconds later would be the moment where the both of you would stumble out of the edge of death, where you would prove to the Order once and for all that you were on _their side_ , but no such moment came. Because right then, as you moved past the edge, something, or rather someone behind you appeared, and you only had time to register the ginger hair and green eyes that looked so much like Lily's, before her hand was stretched out, and she had pushed you back into the direction where you were pulling Sirius out from. Your lungs squeezed as her hand made contact, and the push felt like an eternity before you felt her hand release. 

Right then, you felt your body cross right past the edge of the veil.


	37. The Last Death Eater

20th April 1996

It was true, the saying that _your life flashes in front of you right as you are about to die,_ because then, as you felt Sirius' grip loosen and him tumbling into the great beyond without you, you saw every scene and every moment from the short twenty eight years that you were living. Most of them were about Severus, and how happy you had been in all the times with him, but some bad memories, like losing your child with him, and finding out about his infidelity had appeared as well, before flashes of your friendship with Minerva, with Remus, and all the fond memories of the students at Hogwarts, the fond memories of _Harry_ took over. _Harry Potter._ The boy the prophecy was for, the boy you had always treated like a son, the boy who would never know that you loved him before you died trying to save him. 

Bellatrix's laughing had stopped, the sounds of the duels ongoing had stopped, and almost all you could hear, was silence. It was deafening. _This is how I die, this is how I go, and I never got to say goodbye. Severus never got to say goodbye._ Severus. The thought of him hit you like a freight train, and you felt your still-beating heart drop to the pits of your stomach. How would he feel? What would he say? Would he blame it all on himself, the fact that you became a Death Eater for him? Or would he blame Sirius, or even Lucius? No, he could never blame Lucius, Lucius was his friend, and Sirius...Sirius was surely more gone than you were. Your hand was no longer holding his, and you could not feel his presence around you anymore. You wondered if Severus would cry at the news of you being gone, you wondered if he would hurt himself, and you wondered, for a split-second, if he would be happier. He was free of you, and you were no longer dragging him down and causing him guilt, which was about the worst things that you did to him, among other things. You hoped that he would be happier. 

Air was slowly leaving you, and your body felt like it was dissipating. Soon enough, you would crumble, turn into nothingness, and you would be gone, forever. You wondered then that if there was an afterlife, and if you had the pleasure of meeting Sirius there. Would he forgive you, for letting him die? Or would he be angry, saying that his life was unfinished, that he had spent twelve years in Azkaban to live as a free man, only to die in your hands not long later? But then again, you were unfinished too. Your life was unfinished. You still had so many things to say, so many things to do, and as much as it could be a pain at times, life was _beautiful._ Life had taken everything from you, but it had given everything right back, in the form of Severus Snape. He, he added meaning to your life. And it was incredibly heartbreaking, the thought that he had been ripped away from you just like that.

 _I should have known. That girl, that girl has had it out for me from the start._ But then again, the thought of Rose was not giving you much comfort, because whether she had meant to or not, she was your killer, after all. You dared your head to look back for a moment, to see if you could still see life, see living, though you were fully expecting nothingness of course. It was futile, was it not?

It was not. Because right where the veil was, or where it should be, struck out a hand, and from the bony fingers and the chipped black nail polish on it, you realised that it was _Bellatrix's hand._ You studied it for a moment, because _how the hell was she able to do that,_ and moreover, _why was Bellatrix trying to save me?_

The hand had given you no time to think, of course, because suddenly, it had found itself on your robes, and scrunching itself on your shoulder, the hand yanked. It yanked very hard, and you were sure your heart nearly stopped when your body followed. Eyes widening and hands clammy once more, you felt yourself being pulled closer and closer back, the warmth coming back to fill your lungs. Your injuries were starting to hurt again, and your skin was starting to feeling less and less like paper. _Was this really happening? Am I—_

And suddenly, the air that surged through you and intoxicated your body left you sputtering on the floor, while you crumbled onto your knees and tried to control the euphoria of being able to feel the solid, stone floor underneath you. _I am alive._

Bellatrix's voice filled your head. "Hurry up, hurry up, _Ravenclaw!_ I cannot keep this man down forever, and Dumbledore is going to notice soon enough!" 

She instantly placed her arms under yours, and pulled you into a standing position. Though, you were nowhere near ready to run, much less battle again. "Bellatrix...you saved me?"

The woman gave you a weird look. "Did you think I would leave you to die?" 

"W-where's the woman who—"

"She's one of us, has been one of us from the start. Only difference is, she thought you were saving Sirius Black, when you weren't! Nearly killed you, didn't she, that Rose? It seems like I am the only one who trusts you around here, Ravenclaw. It would do good for us to be able to rely on each other, now move your legs and _run._ " Dumbledore had taken notice, and as he whipped around and spotted the both of you, he aimed a spell right at Bellatrix. She deflected it, and with your weight on her shoulders, she struggled to heave you up the stairs, but your legs miraculously awakened, and you began to slowly gain balance without her help. 

Harry cried out when the both of you reached the top of the stairs, and the sight of Remus holding him back reminded you of what had just happened. _Sirius. Sirius is dead. Gone, forever._ Harry was going to kill Bellatrix for killing Sirius, then he was going to kill you next for not saving Sirius. 

You passed the threshold of the room, however, and he was soon out of sight. He gave chase, even as you and Bellatrix ran past the Brain Room, past the unconscious bodies of Hermione, Luna and Ginny. Your heart ached, seeing them in that manner, but if you did not wish to receive Harry's wrath right then and there without the chance to explain to him first, you needed to keep running. Bellatrix deflected and shot him with a few spells, but it only slowed him down. In response, she dragged you to the lift with her as you exited the Department of Mysteries, and jammed the lift door shut right as the last of your cloak swished in. 

The atrium was empty as you stumbled through, ready to approach the telephone box, which, you had informed the woman earlier, was the easiest way out. There, you had the safety of other Death Eaters meeting you, and there, you stood a chance of making it back alive. Harry followed soon after, and as he dodged another spell from Bellatrix, the woman grabbed you by your collar, and dragged you behind a large gold statue. 

"Bellatrix, don't, spare him for—" You tried to reason with her, but your shoulder was hurting terribly and you were starting to taste blood in your mouth. 

"I don't care! He's been nothing but annoying today! Where's the fun if I can't play with him a little?" At your pleading eyes, she softened. "You stay here then, _I_ will do the dirty work."

And she left; taunting him to come out from wherever he was, and challenging him to battle. She used Sirius' name, and you knew instantly that Harry was going to fall for her trap, because even hearing it too, was sending chills down your spine. You still had not fully processed that he was _gone_ yet, and you were not going to process it right then either. Apparently, so was Harry, and as he screamed _Crucio,_ you already felt like he was losing it. 

Spell after spell bounced off each other, as you heard Harry duck from statue to statue, fighting off Bellatrix as best as he could. You reached out for the wand in your robes, but even moving felt incredibly difficult, and you leaned your head back against the statue as you cursed silently. She was taunting him for the prophecy, something that had completely slipped your mind, and understandably so, considering you practically died and came back to life just minutes before. 

Suddenly, Bellatrix addressed the word _Master,_ and your hands froze. _He's here,_ you could feel it, you could sense the presence of death, decay, and coldness. He had come to the Ministry of Magic, to retrieve the prophecy himself. It sent stabs of terror through your heart. 

"He can't hear you from here!" Harry yelled, but he wished he had instantly taken back his words. 

"Can't I, Potter?" Came the cold voice, and you summoned all your strength to move yourself so you could get a look at what was happening. Bellatrix scrambled to her feet, trying to reason with him, trying to give excuses on why his mission _had failed_ , but he was refusing to listen, as he made eye contact with you. He broke it right after, when he saw how useless you were then, and pointed his wand to Harry, 

You screamed as he chanted the Killing Curse, and with everything in you, you lunged forward to try to push him away again, but to no avail. This time, though, this time the Curse was thwarted, as _Dumbledore_ appeared out of the corner of your eye, and deflected the spell from Harry with one of the statues. The Dark Lord cried in anger when he spotted the man, and you felt Bellatrix behind you once more, carrying you to safety. 

"No, no, the boy...!" You said, but she only shook her head. "Bellatrix, the boy!"

"Unless you can figure out how to kill Dumbledore better than Master, you are staying out of the way! He is capable, he can do this! Save the boy for him, didn't you say?" She lashed out. 

Dumbledore and The Dark Lord duelled, jets of green light meeting Dumbledore's end of the wand as he sent back equally powerful blasts of magic. They seemed equally matched, and you could not take your eyes away from the scene, even if your whole body was telling you to help Harry. He, too, had been thrusted to the corner of the atrium, away from the fight, and no matter how much he fought to help Dumbledore, he could not escape as well. You were stuck, unable to do anything as the two strongest wizards you knew, the two wizards you were working for, fought until what looked like the very end. 

Then everything came to halt the moment Dumbledore summoned the heavy blanket of water, and attempted to drown The Dark Lord in it. He struggled under the massive weight, fighting it off, trying to curse Dumbledore again...when suddenly he appeared once more, visibly weakened. You watched in horror as Dumbledore trapped Bellatrix under a witch statue, and you realised then that you were in _very, very deep trouble._

You took a step back as Dumbledore took a step forward, but he was interrupted as Harry suddenly started to escape from where he was. He yelled for the boy to stay where he was, to let him handle you, when in response, a gut-wrenching scream tore from Harry's throat, as he fell to the ground clutching his scar. _Of course, he's using the boy._

He rolled around in agony, begging in that cold voice of The Dark Lord's for Dumbledore to kill him, for Dumbledore to end it for him and the boy once and for all, and you silently withdrew your wand as Dumbledore moved towards him. _He cannot possibly be doing it, can he?_ But then Dumbledore made a move to raise his wand, and you were not sure what in your right mind made you think of it it, but you seriously thought that he was going to kill the boy. 

"NO! DUMBLEDORE!" You cried, and although his ears recognised you, recognised your voice, it was all too late. He saw your figure throw yourself onto him, and his reflexes acted even faster than his mind, as he sent you flying up into the air and then dropping from a height so high that you could clearly see all the other members of the Order of the Phoenix enter the atrium then. All of the members, except Sirius. Remus had suffered an injury to his abdomen, and he was helping Tonks to walk, while Kingsley Shacklebolt shuffled behind them. The woman, the woman who pushed you into the veil was helping him, and a surge of anger flowed through you. _It was her, all along it was her. She had leaked the information from the Order, she had been the double agent, she had been the one to betray Dumbledore._ And yet, everyone had blamed you and Severus for it. How did no one see it coming? You could not remember screaming, you must have had, from a fall that high. The wind roared in your ears, but you could however, remember Bellatrix's screaming, as you made the descent down. If this fall was not going to kill you, the injuries you were going to sustain will.

A loud crash. A metal mask clanging, rolling away from the face of it's owner, a cloak unveiling the head of the very last Death Eater that survived with Bellatrix. A roar of gasps and shouts from the group of wizards behind Harry Potter. 

It was all you could remember before you felt Bellatrix's hand on your face again, which then moved down to your arm. She slung it over her shoulder, and gripped The Dark Lord's white, cold hand. Right then, you felt the familiar squeeze in your stomach of the forces of apparition and saw the horrified faces of the Order realising who the last Death Eater was, before you blacked out completely. 

_They know. They know now._


	38. Revelations

20th April 1996

"You were insane, to have brought her, Bellatrix!"

"You are lucky I bothered to save her at all! She would have died with that blood-traitor cousin of mine had I not reached in to grab her!"

"But it was you who thought of dragging her into this! She was not supposed to have led this mission, it was Lucius! Has she not done enough for you, breaking you and your friends out of Azkaban?!"

A slap rung through the air. The sound of someone's hand making contact with the skin of someone else's face, the air right after it tense and heavy. There was only blackness when you tried opening your eyes, your eyelids refusing to give in to the temptation of opening for you. _Am I safe? Am I in safety, when everyone else is in danger? When the Order is in danger?_

"Bellatrix..." A masculine voice this time. It sounded distant, annoyed, and there was the rustling of robes before the door swung open and slammed shut again. You felt the bed dip as the woman left, leaving you only with the familiar presence of your mother. Your eyes opened groggily this time, your throat incredibly dry. 

The woman stood up as you woke, and grabbing healing potions this time, she sat by the bed again and began rubbing them into your cuts. It stung, but the look in her eyes as she proceeded to then force you to drink a foul-smelling potion made you not dare to speak up about it. Then, with a wave of her wand and some foreign muttering, your shoulder suddenly popped back with a loud popping sound, and you hissed in pained surprise. 

"You were lucky, incredibly, stupidly lucky, do you know that?" She scolded, bringing forward your face again to dab away the dried blood on your forehead. You had cut it wide open as you landed, and this time, the sting literally made you want to scream in pain. "Your father...in Azkaban, everyone else who was there tonight, captured. And all you escaped with is a scar on your face. _Your beautiful face,_ a face I helped make, could have been spared if you had just listened to me."

"I want Severus."

"What am I supposed to do without your father?! He is not a man made for Azkaban, and Merlin knows how long it will take before The Dark Lord can get them out. He will have starved, rendered powerless, all because--all because of that stupid _Order of the Phoenix!_ Had they not been tipped off by some stupid spy on our side, the job would have been done so easily. Harry Potter retrieves the prophecy, Lucius brings him back, Bellatrix—"

"Mother, I want Severus."

"—Will take care of the boy, kill all the others, and the plan will move forward at full-speed. Now what am I supposed to do?! Oh, I am missing him already, and if they had taken you too—"

"MOTHER!" She paused her relentless dabbing on the wound, the blood seeping through the cloth for a minute, and stared straight at you. You were crying. 

"What are you crying for, girl? You survived, you escaped, and Bellatrix is taking the brunt of the punishment for you!" Her arms flew to your sides, and she shook you. "Stop crying! Do you understand? You are not a child anymore, stop crying and move on with this! I lost your father to the Ministry, and do you see me crying? You need to be strong, (y/n), you cannot afford to be weak when you are under _him!_ "

Then, you did something that you had never done before. Your mother's eyebrows shot to the roof when you leaned forward, and _hugged her_. It looked like you were barely holding on, desperately trying to salvage the parts of you that had not been broken at the Department of Mysteries, clearly losing it. You sobbed on her shoulder, gripping onto her for dear life. She gulped, because in all the years that you had been family, you had never hugged. The both of you were never this close, and even she recognised that you thought of the caregivers and house-elves as more family than her and your father ever were. She had deprived of you the touch of a mother since young, so to realise that it was you who hugged her first nearly made her break out in tears as well. She was at a loss; and you knew even as she stiffened, as she tried pushing you away, that she was feeling overwhelmed with this new feeling.

"Please, please, I want Severus," you begged, and this time, she held her tongue.

When the billowing black robes of the Potions professor entered the safety of her home then, long after The Dark Lord and Bellatrix had apparated elsewhere, your mother held back her words of disgust as she opened the door to his anxiety-stricken face. 

"Is she alright?" He asked, distraught. 

"She's upstairs." She replied curtly, before he moved past her and bounded up the stairs to the bedroom. Following him up, your mother once again held her tongue as she entered behind him, only to see that he had immediately wrapped you up in the safety of his arms and was kissing your forehead softly. It filled her with a certain kind of hatred, seeing a man like him with her daughter, but still, she did not say anything.

"If only I had known, if I had picked up the signs he left, that he would be using _you_ to retrieve the prophecy for him..." Severus mumbled against your ear, while you buried yourself in his chest. "...I was so worried. I should have stopped you from going, should have done better. Merlin, you nearly died trying to protect the boy, while I sat in the safety of my office the whole time..."

His voice was filled with regret, as the man thought about every single decision he made ever since the night you left then. _If he had picked up on Harry's hint earlier, if he had informed the Order earlier, none of this would have happened._ "But I cannot say I am not relieved that you escaped, and that you are here with me now."

You turned up to face him, vulnerability written across your face. "Sev, they know. _The Order_ know."

He stared at you for a while, his lips parted. Your mother saw that the gears in his head were turning as he tried to process what you just said. Hell, even she was still trying to process the events of the night.

Severus then held you firmly, his mind made up. "Then we'll just tell them. Right now, if you are strong enough, the sooner we tell them, the better. Say you are a double agent, that Dumbledore knew what you were and employed you in the Order anyway, that you never meant to cause them harm."

But you shook your head. "I can't...I can't go back."

"You have to, and you will. They will understand, my love. They may take a while to take it all in, but they will understand. You had no choice."

"No, they will kill me the moment I step foot in that house." When Severus silently asked you why you thought that way, you dared yourself to look at your mother, and she nodded. Holding back fresh tears and the terribly big lump in your throat, you began to tell him of Sirius, of how you had tried to save him, of how the woman had pushed you in as well, and of how you lost him then. The thought of him gone was starting to settle in, and your poor heart was breaking in pieces at the loss of the brother you never had. How were you going to face the rest of the Order then, knowing that you could have saved Sirius Black, but you had been the one to let go instead? That you survived, thanks to your loyalty and friendship with Bellatrix, but Sirius did not? That you were friends with her, Sirius' killer?

But Severus was strangely persistent. "But there it is. The solution."

"What solution?"

"Rose. She had pushed you in, hadn't she? She almost killed you, almost taken you away from me. If that is not enough reason for the both of us to go to the Order now, I don't know what is. (y/n), if not to let them know that you are on _their_ side, you have to at least inform them of the mole in the Order. You owe them that."

You were about to disagree, saying that he could be the one to do that, he could be the one the Order still favoured, while you lived as the scorned one. He could be the one to deliver the news and he could be the one that still had not lost everything, but with his eyes staring firmly into yours, and his mind deadset on the fact that you still had to visit them one last time, to explain, at the very least, you could not find it in you to do so. 

"But what if they kill me? I killed Sirius Black, didn't I?"

"I will be with you, and they would have to kill the both of us if they are intending to kill you before hearing you out."

22nd April 1996

With Severus informing and convincing every remaining member of the Order that had been at the battle as well as Harry and all the students who had fought to gather at Grimmauld Place for one final time before the headquarters switch, it seemed like it was ages go when you reluctantly agreed to visit them again. You were having serious second thoughts, with you turning back every few steps out of the house as he brought you closer and closer. At one point, Severus had to physically hold you and convince you from apparating back to your house, and you nearly fought him on it. _I cannot do this,_ you repeated over and over again, but he still calmly shook his head, and assured you that everything would be fine. You were confident that everything would not be. 

Right at the steps of Grimmauld Place then, your whole body suddenly froze. _It feels filthy, that I am entering the home of the person I killed. The home of Sirius Black. I don't deserve to be here._ Severus gripped your waist harder, and nodded at you. 

"No, I really cannot do this. Sev, just let me—"

"But would you want to die knowing that you could have told them that you were innocent all along, that you were not a person they thought you were, or would you want them to hate you forever and carry your secrets to the grave all by yourself? My love, you can do this. I know you can." 

You dropped your hand from his. "I killed the owner of this house."

"You did no such thing. You were left with no choice, always remember that. You did everything you could, (y/n)." 

And with that, he pushed open the door. 

Everyone was gathered in the living room, and as you scanned your eyes over all of theirs, you were met with another wave of guilt and remorse. Remus had his torso in bandages, Tonks was so badly injured that she had to be sitting down on the sofa, Moody had fresh scars all over his face, and Kingsley looked like he had been through hell. Molly and Arthur Weasley were there, disbelief still lining their faces, while Dumbledore stood at the back in a rare appearance. 

Before you could speak however, Harry had brandished his wand and pointed it straight at you then. Remus tried to hold him back, but he was too weak to do so. "Professor, how could you?!"

Severus wanted to speak for you, to ask the boy to lower his wand and not do anything foolish, but you softly pushed him away. "Harry, I tried to—"

"YOU KILLED SIRIUS! YOU LET GO OF HIM, AND HE DIED BECAUSE OF YOU!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, as if screaming as loudly as he could would drown out the sorrow and absolute anger he was feeling. The person he had trusted the most, the person he had loved and the only one there for him ever since he entered Hogwarts, turned out to be everything he feared them to be. The hurt, beyond the betrayal and the anger, was overwhelming him, and his voice cracked even as he screamed at you. The boy had tried to convince himself that it was not true, that you had not really been a Death Eater all along, that it was all a bad dream, but staring at your eyes that softened for him then, he knew it was all too real. 

Shoving the wand right at your chest, you were not surprised when nobody tried to stop him. "You...you let Bellatrix..."

"Are you going to kill me, Harry?" The question caught everyone on guard, and even as Severus tried to step in, you uttered a spell that forced him back. "How would you do it? With the Killing Curse?"

"I..." He stared at you, his wand suddenly wavering. The anger that was surging through him had not accounted for the fact that he did not want to kill you. But he needed someone to blame, someone to blame for Sirius' death other than Bellatrix, and that person was standing in front of him then. _But could he do it? Kill you?_

In a sudden flurry of movement, he had lunged, and you crashed right to the ground, him above you, as he held his wand over you once more. Nobody moved. The only sounds in the air were of his heavy breathing as you stared up at him. "If possible, you shouldn't kill me with the Killing Curse, Harry. You wouldn't want that on your record."

"I don't care! Why would I care about that right now?"

"Because I see a future for you, still. Even if you don't see one for me."

He paused, his fiery gaze faltering. You continued, "Would you kill me with your hands? That way, I will die slowly, and you will be able to see the life fade out of my eyes right before I go. It will give you the utmost satisfaction, knowing you killed the person who killed your godfather. An eye for an eye, right?"

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" He cried, still pinning you down. 

"If you plan on strangling me, doing it at the base of my throat would be the best way to do so. It will take longer for me to die, and the longer your satisfaction will last. Here, I should do it for you," you said, throwing your wand to the side and moving to settle your hands over his. Instantly, he withdrew them, and with a strangled sort of yell, he raised his fists and began punching you. Severus immediately fought against the force holding him back, and Molly and Dumbledore were about to step forward, but you were prepared. You set up an invisible barrier, and it enclosed only around you and Harry. No one could penetrate that barrier. 

His fists rained down on your face, and it broke your nose, while opening up the wound on your forehead and cheek again. He threw fist after fist, before lifting your head up from the floor and slamming it down as hard as he could, nearly making you black out from the pain. Still, you did not fight back. You laid there as he cried and continued to attack you, feeling that you deserved it all, at least, for what you had done. 

It must have gone on forever, and the blood in your mouth was choking you as the metallic smell of it infiltrated the air as well. You were very sure that your face would never be the same again, as Harry's own fists started bleeding too. You were close to passing out, to letting him take your life once and for all, waiting for the moment he would gain the courage to strangle you and end it all, but he failed to do so. Instead, he finally leaned back, panting heavily with tears streaming down his face and blood and bruises decorating his hands. He stared down at the face he just ruined, marred and bloody and extremely deformed, but still breathing. Then, that face let out a smile that he had gotten so used to, that he had gotten so happy to see when he was at the receiving end of it. Only this time, it made him sick to the stomach at the realisation of what he had just done. 

Harry looked around. Hermione was banging against the barrier, begging for him to stop, and Ron and Ginny had retreated to their parents' side, hiding their faces as they could not bear to watch their friend beating up their Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Luna was still with shock, and Neville had hidden behind Moody. Snape was still trying every spell he could to break the barrier. 

Then, as if realisation finally dawned on him, he suddenly stood, stepping back in horror. _What have I done?!_ He thought, as he stared down at you. You got up then, rolling around to your stomach to cough up the blood that had pooled in your mouth, and he watched as it dripped down onto the wooden floor of Grimmauld Place and ran down the sides of your face. 

You sat up, leaning your head against the wall. "Are you finished?"

"Professor, I—"

"Did that make you feel better, Harry?" 

"—I swear, I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I deserved that," you said, coughing up more blood as it stained your white robes again. It made Harry's stomach flip. "Are you finally ready to hear what I have to say now, though?"

The barrier had dissolved, and it allowed everyone to come forth, everyone except Severus. You knew he would try to protect you, to instantly distract you from what you had to say and what you had to do, and he cursed loudly as you kept him behind. _I'm sorry, Sev._

Remus looked like death, as he debated approaching to help you. You were not offended when he did not; after all, he had lost his two best friends just the previous night. You breathed shakily, before your eyes settled on a certain woman that had finally taken the liberty to come down the stairs after hearing that Harry had finished beating you up. 

"I should start by saying that," Another blood-filled cough, "There are three Death-Eaters in this room right now. Two of us, Dumbledore knows of, and two of us, are on _your_ side. But _her,_ " Your eyes met the woman's, and so did everyone else's, "She is on The Dark Lord's side."


	39. Control

22nd April 1996

Severus watched you wince, as he carefully soaked his cloth in Murtlap essence once again, before rinsing the blood-stained piece of fabric. He fought off another urge to suddenly hex the boy sitting across from him, on the sofa mirroring his. His head was buried in his hands, as he cried softly with the hand of Molly Weasley rubbing on his back. Not too far away from him, stood Kingsley Shacklebolt and Moody, who were holding onto the arms of the woman you had just accused of being another Death Eater, and he tried controlling his drumming heart from exploding. _How had I not seen it?_

In fact, the man was so lost in his own thoughts, that he had accidentally pressed the cloth too hard onto your wound, and you pulled his hand away sharply. He turned to you in surprise. "S-sorry."

But he was cut off when the woman gave another round of shrieks again. "LET ME GO! I NEVER BETRAYED ANY OF YOU!" 

It was difficult to hold her down, and even harder to summon Veritaserum then to prove who was lying or not, once and for all. Harry buried his head further when he saw you stand and approached her then. She glared at you, her teeth bared, but you calmly then took one arm from Kingsley, who looked like he wanted to warn you against doing it, and pulled back her sleeve sharply. There, faded but still visible, was a Dark Mark on her arm as well, mirroring yours and Severus'.

Then, Severus saw you lean in to her, where her height allowed you to be out of earshot from Kingsley and Moody, and you whispered something that instantly made her stop struggling. She looked at you in horror, but with your face calm and expressionless, it was no surprise that every single person in that room suddenly turned to look at you to figure out what you had just said to make her react in such a manner. 

When Dumbledore had returned, unlucky for his search for Veritaserum in such a short period of time and with the Ministry being in shambles after the battle a few days ago, it was even more shocking that she flat-out refused to speak to anyone, not even the Aurors, even after rounds and rounds of interrogation. Dumbledore himself nearly had to step in, but she took a firm stance before he did, and when she saw you across the room, still trying to convince Severus to stop fussing over you for a minute so you could apologise to everyone, she immediately pointed to you and said, "I wish to only speak to her."

"There is no way in Merlin's beard that that is happening, miss," Moody retorted, still very apprehensive of you, but Dumbledore was stoic. He appeared to consider it for a moment, before opening a private room in the house, and beckoned you over. Severus watched again as he whispered something to you, and you nodded along the whole time, before he passed something to you then. He was getting tired of being kept out of secrets in that house.

But Moody's comment was rebuked, when Dumbledore approved of her request, and personally invited her to the room in which you had just entered moments prior. He nearly threw a fit. 

You were sitting across the fireplace when she pushed open the door, and with one glance towards the other empty armchair in front of you, she hurriedly took a seat there. But in the midst of her scrambling, she had not even heard you utter _Accio wand_ , before her wand had flown from her robes and right into your hands. 

"Why—"

"This will be a proper conversation, and am I right to assume that we can sit here and talk like civilised adults without the use of magic?" You inquired, and she gulped. Nodding slowly, you continued, "I am getting very weary of fights anyway. I think I have suffered more injuries this past year than I have in my entire adult life, I might just die early from a weak heart because of them."

She said nothing, only continuing to stare at you. You hoped Dumbledore had been right, for you to be the one to fish the truth out of her like this, and you knew you had to act cleverly about this. "So tell me, what did he dangle in front of you?"

"W-what?"

"What he taunted you with, The Dark Lord. He taunted me with Severus, blackmailed me, more like, and forced me to join his ranks then. What was on the line for you?"

Rose looked away, ashamed of herself. You waited, watched as the fire flickered in the reflection of her irises, as her hands gripped the armrests, before she spoke again. "Galleons."

"He promised you money? In exchange for your service? How foolish." You scoffed, but her eyes tore back to you, her gaze burning. 

" _She._ She paid me, a thousand galleons at first, for joining the Death Eaters, then she promised a thousand more with each task for her that I had completed," she said sharply. 

"She?" You prompted, but she had gone back to staring at the fire again, not wanting to reply. You leaned forward. "Who is _she_ , Rose?"

The use of her name made her falter. You had never called her by her name before, and until then, she was pretty sure that you did not even know what it was. You had always treated her like a background character, only there to ruin your life, and you had never once bothered to ask for it either. Uneasily, she replied, "Y-your mother."

"My mother? She paid you to become a Death Eater? How come?"

She sucked in a deep breath. "She feared for you, said you were playing games with the devil by remaining by The Dark Lord's side. She found me at my worst, when my father was at his deathbed and I had no more funds to offer to the hospital in America to help him. She paid for his medical bills instantly, and overwhelmed with relief and gratitude, I saw her as my saviour. Perhaps that had been her plan all along, to get me at my weakest. And she said to me, "Life has cunning ways of finding our weakest spots, doesn't it?" And to some extent, it does. Your weakest spot was Severus Snape, wasn't it?"

When you continued staring at her, your hand still holding onto her wand that was pointed right back at her, and your mouth shut, she tried to ignore the chill in her spine. "Anyway, she paid me, then, a thousand Galleons in exchange for the hottest burn I had ever received on my arm. She brought me right under The Dark Lord, promoted me to ranks so high so quickly, all because she claimed she had a secret mission for me. And that had been to get you off of the Death Eaters, and take over your position as spy. I worked with dragons in America, so getting close to Charlie Weasley was easy enough, seeing as he was already looking for International wizards and witches to join the Order then, under Dumbledore's request. I grew close to him, let him bring me here, and I have been planted here ever since, feeding The Dark Lord with information to make sure I am still worthy of my place under him every single day. But then you showed up, one day, with Severus practically all over you like you were the most precious thing in his life, and you looking at him like he put the stars in the sky, and I realised that my mission then had turned out _so easy._ Your mother had been right, to choose me, to hint to me to find your greatest weakness and exploit it. Only then, I had not realised what a kind, genuine person you were, and how much you did not deserve _to have your world ripped away from you like that_ , but my father was dying, (y/n), you understand that, right? I needed the money, and Severus was weak and vulnerable that night. And I had put an Obliviating charm on him the very next morning, so that I would be the one to tell you and rip you away from him, but obviously, love conquers all, doesn't it? You took him right back, even after all that he has done to you." 

"You are in no place to assume things like that." The wand was raised higher. 

"But wait! Wait, hear me out, please. I was paid a thousand galleons that day, and...and then eight hundred galleons for another step in the mission, then six hundred, then four, and...the woman was threatening _me_ , (y/n. I realised too late that I was getting conned into something worth much more than what I was paid for. I argued with her for it, I killed that...that Ministry worker for her, but it's just—"

"Broderick Bode?" You interrupted her, and she nodded. "You killed him, with that devil's snare."

"I needed the money!" She shouted, as if saying it justified her actions. You only gave her a look of disgust. "I needed the money, and I was desperate. So when her payments got smaller and smaller, while the jobs I did for her got more and more dangerous, I thought of a plan, a very messed-up plan to get her to suffer, just like how I was suffering. My father was dying, and she was refusing to pay me so that he could get treatments and live! And I...I wanted her to feel my pain too, so..."

"...So you tried to kill me too. You tried pushing me into the veil just as I was about to help Sirius out of it." You finished the sentence for her, lowering the wand.

"You really do look like her, you know? Your eyes, they are exactly the same shape and colour as hers, it was not difficult to spot you among all the other masked Death Eaters then. And you...you were the only one trying to help the Order, I saw."

Pursing your lips, the woman rubbed her hands nervously as she studied you. You were no longer looking at her, your gaze fixed on the door which she had shut, and the silence in the room was nerve-wracking. The clock on the wall indicated one minute, two minutes, then three, before you sighed. "Now I know, just what lengths my mother would go for me."

"Now you know. Her love for you, it was unconditional."

You scoffed loudly this time, giving the woman an unbelievable smile. "It was not love. She never loved me, that woman. It was insane, unbelievable control. She wanted to control me, wanted every aspect of my life to go her way, as if I was her puppet. As if I was still that little girl she had left in Hogwarts all those years ago, while she escaped the clutches of Azkaban. No, that was not love you saw, unfortunately."

Rose's face fell. She did not know what to say to that. "So...what happens now?" 

"You're looking at a reduced sentence in Azkaban. Five, ten years, perhaps." Her mouth fell open at your words, the thought of being sent to _Azkaban_ had clearly not passed her mind. She immediately stood, and fell to her knees right after, as she grappled onto your robes for dear life while fresh tears sprung to her eyes. 

"No, I cannot go to Azkaban! I—I just...who is going to take care of my father?! Please, (y/n), from one Death Eater to another, you...you can save me, right? You can prevent this from happening, I know you can! I cannot go to Azkaban, I will die there, for what I just told you! And the Dementors, oh, I heard they were—"

"Rose." She caught you looking down at her, in your eyes an expression she could not figure out. Then, your voice lowered to nothing more than a whisper."Remember what I said to you earlier?"

She hugged your leg tighter in response, to show you that she did. You leaned down to her again. "Then I should have you know, that right outside that door, are all the members of the Order listening to our whole conversation, from start to finish. It would do good if you do as I say, and remain in Azkaban for a while."

Her breath shaky and her hands cutting off the blood circulation in your calf, you knew she was hesitating, but your words had been terribly convincing. So, finally, she exhaled and nodded, before following you out of the room then, and letting Kingsley and Moody handcuff her again. They were taken aback when the woman did not try to fight them off, but took it as a good sign and immediately escorted her out of the house. She turned back to you right before she stepped out, however, and she swore she could see a hint of a nod coming from you, as Severus' arms had returned around you once more, and everyone there sent her scornful looks before she left.


	40. Professors Snape

21 May 1996

"There is no other time than now, my love."

"But Severus...you are talking about having a wedding organised in a month! How...how could we do that? To Harry? To the Order?" 

The man frowned. "But we have been discussing this for weeks. I thought we were on the same page?"

"I know, I know. By the time the new school year starts, everything will be different, but... _Sirius died,_ and everyone is devastated, _I_ am devastated, and we are now busy trying to find a new headquarters for the Order, and you are rising to the innermost ranks of The Dark Lord's organisation, and—and—"

But he had cupped your face, and leaned his forehead down on yours. "And I love you. And there is no better time than now, because no matter what, until he is defeated, there will always be war, there will always be death, and the next time it happens, we may not be so lucky to be the ones that survive it. Me and you, (y/n), we are the ones most at risk of dying under him. If we don't take this rare pocket of time we have been given to get married, _properly_ , I don't know when else we would be able to."

You took a moment to stare back at him, gathering your thoughts. Then, you sighed. "No one will come. Everyone will think we are inconsiderate, and terribly rude, to have a wedding at this time. I've just got Harry to start talking to me again, and that had been because Remus had seen just what happened when I tried to pull Sirius back. He knew it was too late, and he's been an amazing friend trying to explain that to the rest of the Order just to try to save me from their scornful looks."

And then you suddenly looked away, tears welling in your eyes. "Remus. Oh, Remus lost his best friend that night, Sev. He lost the last pillar of support, the person who has been with him from the start, and he watched him die. How can I do this to him? Get married so quickly after the loss of his best friend?" 

"You forget that he still has someone. He has _you_ , (y/n). He is not all alone, do you understand? Not while you are still around," Severus said, the new resolve in him kicking in. "The world never stops turning, people never stop dying, and if we wait for the perfect moment—"

"The perfect moment will never come, I know," You finished for him, wiping the stray tears away from your eyes. Then, you took a shaky breath, and nodded, still trying to convince yourself that what you were doing was not the most evil thing in the world to want, to be married to Severus. "It's just...I wished things could have been so much more different. I wished I didn't have to feel guilty about wanting to have a _wedding._ "

The Potions professor held you closer, silently agreeing. Finally, you spoke in his arms. "Exactly one month from now, on the day of the summer solstice. We will be married?"

"We will be married."

21st June 1996

The white dress that lay across the even whiter, king-sized bed suddenly seemed very daunting in your eyes. Its intricate lace patterns, with silk being the main material running through it and the look of it as a whole was very much unfamiliar. Your hand caressed it for a moment, the sounds of the celebrations and busy preparations outside drowning out your thoughts. _Would she have wanted to see me in this?_ Briefly, you thought of your mother, but the thought was quickly shaken away. _No, she would only have ruined this day for me with her disapproval of the man I am marrying._

The door clicked open softly, and a familiar sandy-haired man entered. He leaned against the wall, studying you. "You know, if you want to make a run for it now, there is still time. Harry brought his Firebolt."

You chuckled. "And where else would I go, Remus?"

"You could marry me instead, though now, the idea is sounding less and less ideal when I say it out," he poked, and you turned to him. 

"You didn't have to be here. Nobody did, it should have just been me and him. All of you are still hurting."

In response, he stepped forward, and opened his arms for you. You allowed yourself to be pulled into his hug. "Sirius would have wanted me here, he would have wanted this to happen."

Shakily, you pulled back, and at his suggestion to go outside to have a walk before your nerves took over, you took it. Though, as the both of you stepped out and you began the journey down to clear your head, you were reminded of something. "If he comes looking for me, and made the stupid assumption that I've run, could you slap him as a favour to me? And then call me back." 

The man grinned, his eyes fond of the idea. "With pleasure."

The walk down the side of the courtyard was quite enjoyable. You got to process everything that had happened over the past few months, and having a quiet moment to yourself really had turned into a rare opportunity. Everyone was still busy preparing for the ceremony later on, and you could hear Minerva distinctly shouting over the others on where the chairs were supposed to be conjured and who was to sit where. But outside, outside was serene, peaceful. The air had allowed a moment of reprieve with its soft winds, and the sun was out, where its rays were not too hot, not scalding, but just warm enough to make your skin tingle. In any other circumstance, you would have been overjoyed to get married on such a perfect day. 

But you were stopped in your tracks when the sight of _Harry_ , crouched over a bench far away from the action, greeted you. He was dressed in the dress robes you had seen him wear during the night of the Yule Ball, and his hair had been, in a rare sight, combed down. But his face was turned towards the sun, as his glasses lay on the seat beside him and dried tears made themselves apparent down his cheeks. 

"Harry." He jumped, immediately shoving his glasses back on. When he saw you, he looked away in embarrassment as he hastily got up. 

"I—I'm sorry. I should be inside, Mrs Weasley's given me the task to receive the flowers, and I—I shouldn't be seeing the bride before the wedding, should I?" He said, shielding his eyes as he tried to walk past you. But you smiled softly, and held his hand to stop him.

"That's only for the groom, silly. Come, sit, I have a few minutes to spare and I intend on spending it all with you," you replied, and he warily sat with you on the bench again. For a while, it was quiet again, him not sure what to say to you, and you waiting for him to speak first. When it became clear that he was not intending to do so, you gave in. 

"Do you think my hair looks ugly?" You asked, and he grinned as he looked you up and down. You had hired a stylist to help you prepare for the wedding, because you could not trust yourself enough that you would be able to handle it, but when you looked in the mirror that day, it felt like staring into a completely different person. 

"No. You look beautiful." He shrugged, and leaned back into the bench. You smiled in thanks, and he nodded. It was silent for a while longer, and you took the time to listen to the birds chirping happily in the nearby trees, and wished for nothing more than to be able to be them instead. How idyllic, how happy, life must be for them. Harry watched them too, his thoughts running wild in his head. 

Finally, he spoke again. "Sirius would have wanted to be here."

"He would. He would have loved it here. A very big difference to the gloomy interiors of Grimmauld Place."

Harry looked at you, and you noticed his eyes had filled with tears again. Your lips parted, but no words appeared in your head on what you could say to him to make him feel better then, so you patted your shoulder gently, and he willingly put his head on it while he cried. Your hands rubbed his back softly, but it only made him cry harder as you tried to comfort him. 

"I shouldn't have blamed you, you tried to save him when no one else did. You almost died doing it," he whispered, hiccoughs interrupting him at times. "I...I shouldn't have beat you up that day."

You hushed him. "It's okay, Harry. You were hurting, and you needed someone to blame for something you had no control over. It would make sense that I would be the person to blame, and I am not upset with you for it."

He sobbed, burying his face in your neck. Your robes were getting drenched, but you gave little care for it as you only held him tighter in response. "Sirius is gone, Professor."

"Sirius is gone," you repeated. Some days, it still was harrowing to think that, that the man Harry loved so much, the man that had extended his friendship and kindness to you, the man that had meant so much to the both of you as well as to the Order, was gone. Some days even the thought of it was enough to break you for the rest of the day. But every day, it did get a little easier and easier to accept the fact, no matter how much guilt you still felt over it. "Sirius is gone, but he is still with us, Harry. The ones that love us never really leave us, and you can always find them in your heart."

You did not know why the last sentence only made him pause for a moment, before he gripped onto you for dear life and released the last of his tears for the rest of the hour.

The wedding itself was a small but elegant affair. The attendees mainly comprised of the members of the Order, Dumbledore's Army, as well as some of your closest teammates from your Quidditch career all those years ago. The seats had been divided equally, with no one side being more filled than the other, much to your gratitude and Minerva's pride. You and Severus had no family to attend anyway, and the only family you had then really seemed to be the Order. 

However, the most memorable part had to be you slapping Severus' arm gently when he allowed himself a stray tear as he saw you in the gown for the first time. Everyone had thought it was very sweet, but to the both of you, it meant more than just a tear. 

"You promised not to cry!" You whispered, but a hint of a smile appeared on his lips. He let you wipe it off, and the smile grew wider. "You've seen me almost everyday for the whole time that we were together, Sev."

"If I saw you everyday forever, I would remember this time," he replied, this time wiping the stray tear that you had let run down your cheek in response to his. 

You had not remembered loving him more than in that moment, and in the night, when the festivities had died down and everyone was settling down comfortably in another old home of your parents', you thought of them again for a while. Dumbledore and the Aurors had cast enchantments all around it for the night to allow a suitable place for the reception, but your thoughts had drifted to how your own mother was doing, if she knew that her daughter had officially become a wife today, if your father was doing alright in Azkaban, or if either of them would have bothered. Would it have been another disappointing crime that you had committed in their eyes?

Halfway through, Remus invited you out for some fresh air by the balcony, and you left Severus with a kiss on the temple as he begrudgingly allowed you to follow the man out. The night air was cooler than in the day and it was quite nice to escape the room for a while. 

"Strange, to see all my friends getting married, isn't it?" He began, before taking a swig from his Butterbeer. "Well, all my friends that are still alive, anyway."

"Yeah." You did not know what to say to that. "Strange. But this could be your life too, you know."

"Oh, (y/n), don't bring it up," he warned, already moving away from you. 

"Remus, we cannot keep avoiding this!"

"We can, and we will!" He was so close to opening the door, but you had reached it before he did, blocking his way. 

"Why do you not allow yourself to be happy? _With her?_ " You nodded towards a familiar pink-haired woman, but he shook his head vehemently. "Remus, you deserve to be happy. And you love her, you know you do."

"There are so many reasons why!" He suddenly yelled, and a few guests turned to the both of you for a moment. "I'm dangerous, I could hurt her when I transform, I'm poor, I'm no good for her and I'm _so much_ older—"

"Oh, cut it with the age gap excuse, Remus! The both of you are _adults_ , and she obviously doesn't care about it, so why should you?! And you're not dangerous, you are good for her because you are kind—" Remus started to pace around, trying to block you out, but you were insistent. "—You are kind, and handsome and incredibly brave and clever and—and you have a heart of gold, Remus. Stop putting yourself down and making up excuses for not letting your heart love who it wants! You deserve her, as much as she deserves you. And you are putting her through as much torture as you are putting yourself through by denying her of the chance to love you!" You had not even realised that you were shouting, and Remus had put up a Silencing charm on the balcony. It was incredibly frustrating, hearing him yap on and on about her, but not doing anything because he was just too afraid. 

He threw up his hands in the air, exasperated. Finally, he quipped, "You can be incredibly scary when you want to, you know?"

You rolled your eyes, and threw yourself onto the seat beside him. "You only have this one life, Remus. You could die tomorrow, or worse, _she_ could die tomorrow, and do you really want to waste the chances that you could have taken?"

He lowered his head, slowly letting your words sink in. _You were right._ He nodded, sighing loudly then. Remus pursed his lips, and shook his head incredulously before slinging his arm over your shoulder. "Merlin, I cannot believe that I let you talk me into this. It's crazy, how fast things change, isn't it? Just years ago, we were teaching partners, and now...comrades in a war."

"But we will remain friends, until the end. Do you hear me?"

"Is that a threat?" He raised his eyebrows, mocking you. 

"You dare not listen to me in my own house?" At your words, the man laughed. He then looked around, and studied the beautiful architecture of the building itself for a moment. 

"It's beautiful, this place."

"Yeah, sad that its owners ruined it from being such a place. I don't recall having good memories in any of the homes they owned," You pointed out, leaning back into his arm against the wall. "But let this memory be the last memory I have of this place. The members of the Order, happy for a brief moment, Dumbledore's Army, before they have to face school again in the fall, and all my friends...let this night be the night I remember about this house. Makes me feel a little better about it."

Remus agreed, leaning his head against yours.

When the final guest had left and it was just you and Severus in the house, you could say you were surprised when he moved to the piano, and muttered something softly, before it began to play a soft tune of its own. Then, extending his hand to you, he bowed, and the scene in general made your heart squeeze in the most heartwarming way possible. Severus never liked to dance, he had not even danced with you when there were other people in the house earlier. But then, with just the two of you and the moonlight, he was inviting you to a dance.

 _How could I ever say no to this man?_ You laughed at him softly, before taking his hand as he waltzed with you to the music. He had forgotten a few of the dance moves you taught him for the Yule Ball before, and he had stepped on your toes a few times, but the both of you did not seem to care about it at that point. No one was watching, and time was slowing down perfectly in that moment, just for the both of you. It felt like all your troubles and worries melted away for the few minutes you spent in his arms. All your guilt, your demons, your past haunting, seemed to die off for a while, and there was no better feeling in that escape Severus provided you. 

And when the music finally stopped and your feet and faces hurt from all the laughing and shared smiles, you looked up at him once more, and found that he was already looking down at you. Severus' dark eyes shined brightly in the moonlight, and you swore he had never looked more handsome in that moment, in his wedding suit and his wedding band unmistakeable on the fingers that held your face nimbly. Your own was on the hand that was resting on his back, and this time, Severus had enchanted them to indicate when the other was in mortal peril, something he said was _very practical_ and _very useful_. You just called the idea morbid, but deep down, he knew you agreed with him on it; you were just afraid of the day it would grow warm on your finger and indicate that something had happened to him. 

As the both of you fell into bed beside each other that night, your ears listening to his heartbeat and his arms wrapped around you, you realised that tomorrow, things would no longer be as perfect, as dreamy as this day, and you shut your eyes tightly at the thought of already missing it. But Severus was with you, and you knew you were not going to get many chances of that much longer, with the both of you inevitably getting closer and closer with The Dark Lord, so you held him tighter and snuggled up closer instead. He hummed as he played with your hair, a contented smile on his own features. 

"(y/n)," he said after a while. 

"Yes?"

"Would you consider...you know, changing your last name?" He asked, but as soon as the words rolled out of his tongue, you froze. He paused in his own movement of stroking your hair, a little apprehensive by your reaction. "I mean...you don't have to, and Snape's a much uglier last name from your own, but—"

"I wouldn't mind that," you replied, and he heaved a sigh of relief. Though, then you started shaking your head at the thought of something. "So what, the students would have to start calling me Professor Snape too?"

Severus smiled. "That would be lovely. The _other_ Professor Snape. The female one, the kinder, smarter, more good-looking one."

"Sev..." You drawled, but he hushed you by saying _it's true._

You rolled your eyes, and sat up to face him then. "Then you, as the _original_ Professor Snape, you would be the braver, cooler, and more brilliant one?"

Severus chuckled, not believing that you could come up with those compliments for him just as fast. He pulled you down to his lips again, kissing you deeply. "Sure, if that makes you happy, Professor Snape." 

" _You_ make me happy, Professor Snape."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that concludes the fifth installation of this series. 
> 
> thank you for sticking through all five works, it is quite crazy to think about how far we have come :-)
> 
> in the meantime, i will be taking a little break to sort out the events for the HBP, and the new work should be up and ready around the 21st of february. 
> 
> stay safe, stay healthy, and i will see u very soon!


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